He missed me

I went away for 2 days - and when I returned, my ManFriend told me that he missed me.  I thought that was really cute.  I have not been sure what I am in - is it casual? is it a relationship?

I brought over wine and we had a bottle then we went out to get another - at which he becomes a little chatty and again informs me that he missed me and he'd like to not only see me a little more, but would actually like to have dates (instead of sitting in his apartment).  I did ask him if he was dating someone else - to which he finally said no, which made me happy.

Now let's see if he actually follows through with all his verbalized thoughts or if he will disappoint me.

A Nice Restroom

Who designs public restrooms?  I am so tired of walking into this decent size room that has really small stalls...When I walk into a stall and I have to scoot around the toilet just to close the door, and worry that my leg pant will pick up urine - the stall is too small.  And why is this?  The 'lobby' of the bathroom is usually quite roomy, and it could easily be reduced to make your personal time in the stall more enjoyable.

There have been a few public restrooms that I have really liked - They usually are a bit roomier and have full length doors.  Here is an example from the bathroom at the Inn at the Biltmore Estate.



The only thing that needed improvement in the restroom was since the doors are full length you can't check underneath to see if it is taken, nor do you want to knock on the door - and bother the lady inside.  What needs to be done is similar to the airplane - when you lock the door, it says 'occupied'.

My restroom experience was much more pleasant and I was able to take my time and do what needed to be done, in such a nice environment.  Why can't more bathrooms look like this?

Bunny Cupcakes

The Food Network featured these cupcakes - and we thought they were so cute we wanted to make something similar.

Food Network

These are mine -- my local CVS didn't have the chick peeps, just the regular, and I didn't have the need to make the egg, since I didn't have a chick.

Kiefer Sutherland

I really enjoyed the TV show 24.  I didn't actually watch it when it was on TV, but I rented them from my local library last year and watched them all very quickly.   I am talking about a whole season in one weekend - obsessed.  I loved the action, the drama and the small twists - even though it was so unrealistic (all the chases, shootings in public, and rarely getting injured).

While the show became highly predictable, I kept watching Kiefer Sutherland run around saving the world, sounding like he was out of breath from all the activity.  It fit his character; he was very stressed for those 24 hours at a time.

Recently I started to watch Touch.  I really loved the pilot episode and looked forward to the regular season.  This too is somewhat similar every week - with Kiefer Sutherland's character trying to figure out what his son is communicating to him and how he interprets it and follows the clues.  Decent enough.

But what I don't understand is that Kiefer's voice still sounds so out of breath.  It must just be his speech pattern or he needs to start exercising so he can say more words in a sentence. It is starting to bother me.


2016 Update:  Kiefer is now the Designated Survivor...and since I've only seen the first episode, which is filled with drama - I am giving this Kiefer show a go.  I didn't notice with his voice that would deter me from watching; I hope it is great.

Wrapping Up

Wrapping up work was time consuming.  I was putting in an extra hour or two the last week I was there - trying to do things months away plus all the regular work in order to make the transition a little easier for whomever was going to take my place.

Since I didn't give a lot of notice, they were still in the interviewing process, which means I had to show a co-worker what I did and then she'd show my replacement. I was writing down all my procedures for my day to day activities, showing her, explaining things, and still cramming in as much as I could.  I was stressing myself out more than I should have, and all my work was going unnoticed - making me question why I was helping them out so much, when clearly they didn't care much for me.

I told my clients a bit late of my departure, but they were all very supportive, knowing I was destined for something better.

Hopefully I can start to think about my future employment soon - and start to become excited about it.

More waiting, the call and the offer

As the human resource person contacted my references, I continued to wait and wait.  I knew it wouldn't be an issue, because they all agreed to be a reference, and with that I was 99% sure they would say something great about me.

But, I messed up.  I had one wrong digit of a phone number of a reference - and when the HR lady called about it, I went into panic.  How bad was that mistake going to affect me?  I responded with
"How embarrassing, the phone number is xxx-xxx-xxxx". 

I am not sure which references the HR lady spoke to, but I do know that one of my references was about to go away, and emailed her a letter and that she spoke to at least one other person.

After about 3 days, she called to let me know I made it to step 4 - the education verification.  I was confused, I don't know anyone that has verified education.  It was a Thursday...so I knew not to expect to hear back for a few days, but I was running into the time-crunch issue where I had a meeting with a client approaching, and I knew that my future company was having a meeting - and when they got back to me, was I going to be able to make it to the new job in time for that meeting? 

As I was preparing for my work trip, I received a call Tuesday afternoon offering me the position.   I double checked the dates and if I wanted to start working to be there for that meeting at the new place, I had to give my notice at my job that same day.  I typed up something really fast - and headed into the owner's office to tell her I was resigning.  I have dreaded that moment for 4 years - but it was surprisingly quick - I think she was more annoyed that I only gave two weeks for my position and that I didn't warn them I was looking.

Anyway, back to the offer - I was stressed out at work, and while I was super happy they finally called and I had a definitive answer, I wouldn't really even think about negotiating the salary.  The salary they offered me was my minimum on my cover letter - so it was something that I knew I could work with, and it is $20,000 more than I made last January (2011), and $10,000 more than I make now.  I would have liked a little bit more, like if they offered me another 2,000 over my minimum stated price, but it is what it is, my fault for not being assertive enough.

But I also looked at the benefits package, and it seemed just as good/better than I do now. I was most concerned with not loosing my 3 weeks vacation that I have accumulated over the last 6 years - and this new job offers 18 starting after 3 full months, not a big deal, and the medical coverage is equivalent. 

The Thank You

I struggled with the idea that I should send via email a thank you letter.  I would rather send a nice letter on nice paper that matches my resume and references.  However, if I were to do that, then I would loose those valuable days when my person would have received it and I could not guarantee that person would actually receive the mail. This was not an option.

On my train ride home, the first thing I did was take out paper and wrote everything I could remember about what I talked about with each person. Were they curious about something? Were they worried about something? Did they stress something? Did you get a weird feeling when something came up and you wanted to clarify it? I didn't use a very basic thank you...I spent about an hour writing the thank you letters - and each was different but somewhat similar. I was very happy with the result, and I felt like it was very easy to write because I had a good understanding of the job and I know my skills...I just needed to finish selling myself.

Out of the people I interviewed with, I received business cards from all but one. That one person was important and needed a thank you too - so I looked it up online to be sure they knew just how interested I was.

The call back & references

After waiting a week or more, I finally gave in and called the Human Resources lady.  She didn't answer so I left a voicemail which was just following up and to please contact me so I knew the next steps.

She returned my call 2 1/2 days later on a Monday.  Of course I was jumping every single time the phone rang, and my hands started shaking.  Her return call was to inform me that they were still making decisions.  She didn't give me a time frame.

So I was shocked when she called me the next morning telling me I made it to phase 3 - the reference check.  I provided 5 references at the first interview, but she was hoping for some more supervisors.  My current place of employment is not set up like that...so I had a huge decision to make.  Only two people at work knew I was applying - and I didn't want the rest of the company to find out.  So I took a huge risk - and decided to contact three of my board of directors to ask if they would be my reference.  I knew they really liked me and the work that I did for them over the last 6 years - but if I told them about this - I was also risking my clients knowing I was leaving before my company.  But, I figured it was worth it. 

I reached out to the three people by phone, and left voice mails for each, then I sent them an email from my personal email (not work one).  They all responded to me within hours saying yes - absolutely.  They understand that I need more of a challenge and people move on. It was a risk, but worth it if I got an offer.

The Interview

I am wearing my brand new well fitting suit (I splurged...worth it if I got the job..and if not then I'd wear it on every interview I hoped to have), I spend a little extra time on my hair, had my eyebrow waxed a few days before, I know about me and why I want to work for the company...I am more or less ready.

I get to the interview about 10 minutes early - it is important not to be late! Or too early for that matter.

The interview last summer was very informal. She barely asked me any questions and she said she liked me a few times...I knew at that point, I had the job. But then she threw the ringer at me - there was no job. It was decided the day before that it would not be filled. She didn't want to cancel on me, because she knew I had the skills and wanted to meet me, so if things should change she'd keep me in mind. I was very disappointed.

However I left that interview with more confidence. I realized that my current position has in fact given me some skills that could be beneficial to other organizations. I didn't jump back on looking for jobs for a few months because I was hoping that job would have panned out in a month or two, then it was soon the end of the year.
The New Year came and so did my new list of goals, which included the new job...but this time I needed to really work on it. No more of this occasionally looking and reading but no applying. Sure enough, I found another fantastic job, and I applied for it the same day I found it. I got a call for the interview just two working days later. I went through the same motions...I re-read through my index cards, I started to try on clothes and I bought a new skirt suit.

This interview was much more formal, and I can even say I was not as prepared for it as I should have been. First I met with the Human Resource department and discussed my overall work experience as related to the position and her take on the role. Right after that I met with the person I would be reporting to. He asked some similar questions and of course more from his point of view of the job. I thought the interviews were going well, I knew MY work history well, I knew how what I did on a regular basis correlated with this position, but what I did not do well was the questions to them and my career goals. I wasn't sure if I conveyed to them just as qualified I really was. Before I left they told me they were interviewing someone else the following week and then there would be phase two.

I went home to work on my thank you.

Preparing for the Interview

So, I applied to jobs, and I was finally called in for an interview.  This would have been my first interview in five years, I was nervous because it has been so long and I have heard stories about how interviews have changed and crazy questions people have asked.

I wanted to be sure I did well, I needed that kind of encouragement and confidence.  Even if this one didn't work out, I could feel better about the next one.  I researched books and the Internet for typical interview questions that I should know the responses to.  I copied them into a word document and then typed in how I would respond.  I then took those questions and answers and put them on index cards. (repetition helps me remember)  I flipped through these index cards every chance I got until I knew the answers. (some of my questions are listed below).

I knew I wasn't in the industry where they'd ask me those insane questions - like what kind of animal would you be or how many people in the US would be eligible for a phone upgrade next year - and you have to approximate age of people, how often their contracts expire, the percentage of people that upgrade, etc.  So I just stuck to the basics.

Then since I knew I'd have an interview soon, I started trying on some of my suits.  Did I have shoes that coordinated? Could I walk in the shoes?  Did the suit still fit? What about the shirt underneath the jacket?  Was my suit appropriate for the time of year?  If I had to buy something, was there enough time to shop around - for the positions I wanted, I needed a nice suit not just something that fit or was just OK. 

Once I got all that figured out, I thought I was as ready as I could be.

• Tell me about yourself.
• What interests you about this job? Why dud you apply?
• Why do you want to work HERE?
• What applicable attributes/experience do you have?
• What can you do for the company?
• What do you like about association management?
• What can you offer me that another person can’t?
• What are your 5 year goals?  10?
• Describe your work ethic
• When were you most satisfied in a job?
• What was the last project you headed up? What was the outcome?
• Can you give me an example of your work being criticized?
• What are your strengths?
• What are your weaknesses?
• What was the most difficult decision made in the last 2 years?  How did you come to that decision?
• What was a creative idea/change you’ve successfully put into recent assignment?
• Do you have experience training others?
• Give me an example of a recent conflict situation with a co-worker that you were involved in.
• How did you change a system/procedure you worked on?
• Have you had to ‘speak up’ recently to your boss or others who gave you work when it wasn’t comfortable to do so?
• Have you had people who you gave assignments with out completing instructions? How did you handle it?
• Provide an example of when you found a mistake in someone’s work
• How do you handle stress under pressure?
• What do you find are the most difficult decisions to make?
• Tell me about a suggestion you have made.
• What are/were your responsibilities?
• What don’t you do well?
• What are your accomplishments?
• Why are you leaving?
• Why should we hire YOU?
• What is your greatest failure?
• What did you like least in last job?
• What did you wish to accomplish at job but were unable to?
• How do you recognize incompetence/excellence?
• Define success in problem solving.
• What is #1 achievement of your career?
• What did you fail at?  How did you remedy the situation?
• Have you worked under pressure? Explain.
• What did you like/dislike about current/past job?
• What is the most difficult decision you have had to face?
• What was your most favorite job?
• Did you and a former/current boss every disagree?
• How would subordinates describe me?
• What do you like best about managing people?
• What do you dislike about managing people?
• Are you a manager or leader?
• What have you learned from your mistakes?
• Describe yourself
• Techniques for organization
• What is your biggest regret?
• What qualities make you a leader?
• How do you feel about working for someone who knows less than you?
• What do coworkers say about you?
• Tell me about a time when you had to communicate information to a group
• What would a previous supervisor say is your strongest point?
• What motivates you do your best on the job?
• Describe your management style.
• How would you compensate for lack of experience.
• Why aren’t you certified?
• What quality do you look for in a boss?
• What approach would you take when faced with a challenge?
• What is a significant achievement in my life?
• Describe a time you had to work with others to achieve a common goal.
• 5 words that best describe you
• What skills & qualities can you bring to this position?
• How do you establish a working relationship with new people?
• What have you done during ‘down time’ at work?
• Experience with strategic planning?
• How would you establish credibility quickly with a team?
• What do you see yourself doing in the first 30 days?

To ask them:

• Why is this position open?
• Who would I be reporting to?
• What kind of back up is in place for vacation/travel/sick time?
• What would you like done differently by the next person who fills the position?
• What is the biggest challenge this position will face?
• Approximately how much traveling will be involved?
• What staff training and development opportunities are available?
• What is the culture of the office?

Job Searching

As part of my goals this year, a new job topped the list.  I've been saying I wanted a new job for the last four years, and I have applied to jobs, but nothing.

I started out my searching wrong, especially when the economy started to slow down. I was lucky to have a somewhat secure job, but I stopped enjoying it and wanted something new.  When I looked for jobs, I was looking for things that I thought I might want to do...and with that came very little experience in that particular area.  Makes perfect sense that I wasn't getting call backs.  I also applied to a few government jobs, and with that came very long applications and turn around times of about the Earth's rotation.  For the most part I scored very well, but yet apparently not enough.  My job searching was making me so annoyed that I went through phases of not even applying because I knew it was pointless.

Then one day last year someone I knew sent me a job description, and I was perfect for this job.  I wrote a cover letter and emailed it over that same day.  I got an email back within fifteen minutes for an interview.  When I got to that interview I found out that position was being pulled back and a temp was hired for three months, but they have kept in touch with me over the last six months because they know I have the skills for that particular job, should it ever open up.  For a while, I stopped applying to anything else, hoping they'd call me when that position finally opened up.  But work started to get really bad again, and I didn't want to be stuck there indefinitely.

One day I was off from work, and briefly looked around. I found another job that was similar but different to what I do now.  I am picky when it comes to the jobs I want to apply to because I know IF I get called, there might be a chance I could work there, and I don't want to work just anywhere. I read the job description a few times and I looked at the website to see if I believed in their work. I liked what I saw so I figured - why not? 

Turns out when you apply for a job and your skills match their requirements...they actually call you.

It is harder to change careers of course, so read other blogs about how people transition...because I figured I'd just stick with what I know.

The decision to find a new job

Finding a new job is time consuming and difficult especially in this economy.  I have thought about leaving my current job for about 4 - 5 years.  There have been periods during that time where I spent hours looking through job boards and reading jobs sent to me from my college listserv.  I applied to some but never was called for an interview, although sometimes I received a very general reply back about not being qualified for the position...which at times was incorrect since I was over qualified.  I would then remain content at work for a few months and then decide again to start looking and start this process over again.

My life remained so un-fulfilled since I no longer found my job challenging and I did not have this amazing personal/home life that I was happy to leave work for.  I started becoming depressed which makes it more difficult to search for a job because it is hard to sell yourself when you feel like crap. 
Cover letters were basic and didn't stand out and if I did get called for an interview I have no doubt I would have bombed it because I was not happy with myself.

Over the past two years I started working on my overall happiness with Laura my life coach.  I think around March or April 2011 I started to feel a lot better.  I started to convince myself that I was going to meet my husband soon and that a new job awaited me.

Work started to become unbearable for several reasons and I started to apply for more jobs.  I was more open minded, applying to jobs in DC or Chicago as well as NYC.  Some of them were a bit of a stretch but I figured I needed to reach. I wanted not only a new job but one with a higher salary...and how do I convince others that I am deserving of that?

The next few posts will be about my experience of job searching.

Workitis

The weather has been unseasonably nice, and with that, I feel like I have senioritis - or maybe workitis - the feeling of doing anything but going to work.

I looked through my calendar, and realized that I have not been in the office, for a full week since November...and even November I had 2 work trips and really only was in the office maybe 10 days for the whole month.  Since November, I either used one vacation, sick or comp days and then of course there are all the winter work holidays oh and there were three days I left early.

So this week, I started to panic...working in the office for five full days?  Could I do it?  Monday I was swamped, Tuesday was dreadful, Wednesday was even worse, Thursday was so nice out and work was constant...but I felt like the week was over. 

On top of workitis, March Madness is also going on.  I was doing really well until the last 6 days, and Thursday night just got worse and worse.  I was disappointed yes, but that is NOT the reason I decided not to go to work today.

I had also hoped after talking with ManFriend that we would have a little midday rendezvous....but I didn't hear from him until 4pm and then we made plans for 9pm. yikes, I am getting old because that sounds horrible.

So aside from my errands, I also decided to go see the Hunger Games.  Midday during the week was great because there were maybe 35 people in the theater.  I really enjoyed the first two books of the series and the third was OK, I read them sometime last year before I knew how popular they were.  The movie was decent, it was nice to see how they represented the Capital, the people, and the arena and the technicalities.

I have to say, I am really enjoying not working in the office for a full week.  Next week I travel again and the following week is another holiday...so after Easter is when the full weeks begin again, I hope I can survive it.

Days off like today remind me a little bit from the short period of time when I was done with grad school but before my job, where I considered myself a stay-at-home girlfriend.  I loved it.  It gave me a nice taste of the life of a housewife...errands, cooking, cleaning, housework, snooty volunteer ladies, trying to please my man throughout the day, etc.  I long for the day when I will be in that position again.  But until that happens...I will be taking work a bit more seriously with hopes of success

No to a 90% expense free trip

I have a business meeting coming up and so I asked my man-friend if he'd like to go with me.  A 90% expense free short trip.  All my guest would be responsible for was airfare, breakfast & lunch.  What is included? Well, sharing my room, transportation to/from airport, cocktail hour, all dinners, and the two group activities - a house tour and winery tour. 

Now, I am broke.  My expenses are more than my income.  I know about debt, saving money and prioritizing.  However, if I heard of a deal that would cost me maybe $325, I would jump on it.

Mr. man-friend was recently laid off.  I understand the stress of that alone - but he is interviewing like crazy and a few things seem like possible future jobs.  Add to that he previously made more than double what I make AND that he is older...and one would guess have a little more of a financial cushion.  The past month, I paid for 80% of our dates; which we've cut back on while he's out of work.   Since I thought it would be fun to get away - mostly with work paying for it - I invited him, was willing to go to a farther airport and told him I would pay out of my own pocket HALF of his expenses which would have been about $250 - $325.

However he declined. 

I am not going to lie, I was a little annoyed by this.  About $250 to go away for 3 1/2 days to a really nice place, and you are passing? Why not just cut down on eating out and drinks and less dates?  Didn't he spend more than that when we went to Mohegan?

Do I want be with someone who won't risk $250 for a weekend away with me (and my clients).  I would have responded better if he was like, 'I am uncomfortable meeting your clients' or 'wow, Denise, that is really generous of you to pay for half of my expenses - but I wouldn't feel comfortable with that'.  

I think I went above & beyond for someone who is not even my boyfriend.  I guess this just reconfirms that I need some other new man in my life.

Oh fh, where are you?  We are missing out on some decent trips.

a potential killer

So, on the news this morning, they reported a double homicide in the town that I lived in with SI.  I thought they said a lady and her daughter.  I didn't catch the full story...but the first thing that went though my mind was that SI killed the mistress and their child. 

How wrong is that?

*Turns out it was a lady and a man. 

You would be the lucky one

I think it is hilarious that after not seeing my man friend for a week - we had plans for Friday but I never heard from him - he sends me a text saying "And maybe something if you're a good girl".  My response?  "Haha.  that is a little funny.  Should we have sex, I think you would be the lucky one."

Seriously? What is wrong with men?  I get we aren't dating, that it is casual, but aren't there still rules?  What makes him think I would be the one that benefits from this encounter? I have not been satisfied yet - he doesn't even try.  The whole thing is getting old real fast.  I figured he felt the same way and things would just fizzle out.   Maybe not. 

I'll have to add that to my list of things to do in March/April - figure out how to tell him that our (now) once a week encounter isn't enough to keep me coming back and it needs to end.  I am still amazed how quickly this whole thing nosedived.  Two months ago, it had potential.  I won't lie, it was decent and I'll miss the way he kisses and some other stuff - and I have no other people waiting...so that means I go from unsatisfying to nothing.  Maybe I should wait till I meet someone who does have potential. I don't want to loose the sexual confidence I've built back up.  And who knows how long it will take for me to find the next guy.

But I go over and as we are kissing he says that he wants to take me away again, that this doesn't just have to be me coming over, having sex and leaving...I could stay over sometimes.  I figured now was time to bring up some things, but we are still kissing, so I get a little in..."I don't think we sleep over well - you look at me in the morning like I have ten eyes and that you want to get as far away from me as possible"  His response - 'I am not a morning person.'  Hmm, really?  could have fooled me.  So I was like, well I am just following your lead - and trying to read you.  The conversation ends because the kissing is heating up.  Then in bed he actually put more effort in and tried tonight...I was shocked.  And in the  middle of it all he says "why don't we do this more?"  My goodness...I am so tired of that - I have no idea...maybe because he doesn't reach out...I always did, and I stopped and then so did the sex.   I figured he was getting laid more often with someone else.

Guys seriously confuse me. They think they are simple - they think they require just 'food, sex and the remote control'.  But here I am, offering all three, and it isn't enough for him to want it act on it more frequently.

30 things to do and not do for yourself

I came across these two articles and I just had to share them.  I see a life coach once a month to work on my goals, and I really enjoy it.  However I feel like I have been on a standstill forever.  I want change but I have not done anything to get there.  When I read the article it helped remind me of the much needed change I am craving and other reminders about living a better life.

The first article is 30 Things to Stop Doing to Yourself.  I am just going to highlight some of his 'things' and how it relates to me.

1. Stop spending time with the wrong people. - This is actually part of my 30 goals for my 30s.  Get rid of toxic relationships.  The wrong people bring you down and add un-needed stress.
2. Stop running from your problems. – That is all I have been doing for the last 5 years.  The good thing is I am not in denial anymore. Now is the time to start fixing them.
3. Stop lying to yourself. – Again, I pretend to be in denial, I hope things will get better...but until I stop lying to myself, I won't be happy.
4. Stop putting your own needs on the back burner. – I don't have a family of my own yet, so I know this isn't out of control, but I do have instances where I put others above me and I need to remember that I deserve to be happy and fulfilled too. 
5. Stop trying to be someone you’re not. – I am happy to report I think I have this under control :)
6. Stop trying to hold onto the past. – You can’t start the next chapter of your life if you keep re-reading your last one.  I was finally able to let go of my past with SI and I really hope that soon things will start falling into place.
7. Stop being scared to make a mistake. –  I am very scared of leaping into what I want to do for fear it is the wrong choice, or that it won't work out.  I have to just trust my gut and hope that it does...and what is the worst thing that will happen if it doesn't? I'll figure it out. 
8. Stop berating yourself for old mistakes. – Yes, I hold on to things I've done wrong...I want to learn from them so maybe I won't make them again, but instead I tend to beat myself up over them. 
9. Stop trying to buy happiness. – I think my credit card company will attest that I spend more than I should.  The good news is that this was my goal for this year. 
10. Stop exclusively looking to others for happiness. – Funny, I just posted about this.  I do look to others for happiness since I am having trouble finding it on my own.  However, I know logically that I am responsible for my own happiness.  The author of the article tells us that we have to create stability in your own life first before you can share it with someone else - I need stability, I haven't had that in years.
11. Stop being idle. – I over think. It is what I do because I have way too much free time.  I also can't get to where I want to be if I only dream about it and not take action.  I need to work on this quick!
12.  Stop thinking you’re not ready. –  More reiteration here.  I am not ready for the changes I want, but I am not happy with where I am.  I have to take that leap out of my comfort zone.
13. Stop getting involved in relationships for the wrong reasons. – I think I am mostly OK here, see I was too scared to jump into a relationship after SI, so I haven't. Not one in the last 5+ years.  It is sad, but I know I needed time to heal, and I did.  I am probably going to be very hesitant with any new relationship because I will NEVER go through something so horrible again.  It isn't worth it.
14. Stop rejecting new relationships just because old ones didn’t work. – I am guilty of this.  I don't let guys get to far; I rule them out too soon.  
15. Stop trying to compete against everyone else. – Not regularly, but on occasion I look at someone and want what they have. I am certainly not trying to compete with them. 
16. Stop being jealous of others. – I do get jealous of what other people have.  My 'friends' who are married, have children, travel a lot, etc.  I wonder how they got so lucky to succeed in all the areas I fail at.  But once in a while, I try to think of what they think of me...I am the non-attached one. I am getting sleep at night and not fighting with a husband or dealing with contractors.  I am more 'carefree' in their eyes.  And while I don't think it is anything to be jealous of, they do.  The grass is always greener on the other side right?
17. Stop complaining and feeling sorry for yourself. – I need to do this.  I do feel sorry for myself and my life is being wasted.  I need to remember that things happen for a reason and someday I will look back and laugh.  
18. Stop holding grudges. – This is important and I want to say that I tackled this last year.  Once I forgave SI, I was able to be a little happier.  I met up with an old friend and we had a small pointless talk, but I did it. I accepted her invitation instead of holding my grudge out.  It didn't affect anything, but it made me less stressful.  I wrote two blogs on forgiveness - it really is so important.
19. Stop letting others bring you down to their level. – I need to refuse to lower my standards to accommodate those who refuse to raise theirs.  I tend to do this at work, and it really bothers me.
20. Stop wasting time explaining yourself to others. – This is something I have really started to hate in the last few years, why should I have to explain myself?  So I don't say anything to anyone. 
21. Stop doing the same things over and over without taking a break. – good advice.
22. Stop overlooking the beauty of small moments. – My life coach and I tried to focus on this last year, I can't say I've mastered it yet.
23. Stop trying to make things perfect. – I gave up on perfect 5+ years ago.
24. Stop following the path of least resistance. –  All I have been doing for the last 5 years is taking the easy way out and doing what I am comfortable with...I need to change that.
25. Stop acting like everything is fine if it isn’t. – On the outside sometimes I appear more put together than I am.  Inside and with those that know me very well, it is obvious I am not OK.  I cry a bit still, I am a little moody, and quiet.  It is what it is.  I'll be happy eventually, maybe. 
26. Stop blaming others for your troubles. – I need to take responsibility for my life.  I used to blame people, but I realized they were there for me to learn from.  Sure because of them my life didn't go as I had hoped, but I am the one that needs to fix it.  I can't rely on other people and I can't expect the person who wronged me to even know how badly they hurt me.
27. Stop trying to be everything to everyone. – good advice. I don't seem to have a problem in this area yet. I like to help people when I can.
28. Stop worrying so much. – Worrying runs in my family.  I hope I don't become a worrier.
29. Stop focusing on what you don’t want to happen. – I am a bit of a pessimist. I think about the wrong side of things.  For instance, moving...I am more consumed with location, meeting people, job, salary, missing my family, etc.  I don't focus on how wonderful it might be.
30. Stop being ungrateful. – Even though I am miserable, I know I have it better than other people. 

And then he followed up that blog post with 30 Things to Start Doing for Yourself which is a more positive spin on life, but a bit repetitive from the list above.  Again, I'll list the 30 things and relate them to me.

1. Start spending time with the right people. – I need to find the right people first, but I will cherish them once I have them.
2. Start facing your problems head on. – Time to stop procrastinating. 
3. Start being honest with yourself about everything. – I can't improve my life if I am lying with what would make me happy.
4. Start making your own happiness a priority. – I got a life coach, I know I need to do this. I am not doing enough, but I am working on it.
5. Start being yourself, genuinely and proudly. – On my goals for my 30s.  To accept myself for who I am.
6. Start noticing and living in the present. – All I think about is how I am wasting my life.  I am looking towards the future when I might be happy and I am missing out on the right now.  
7. Start valuing the lessons your mistakes teach you. – It is hard to value the lessons until they are not fresh anymore.
8. Start being more polite to yourself.
9. Start enjoying the things you already have. – I find this hard, I am miserable with so many aspects of my life, that I can't enjoy what I have.  
10. Start creating your own happiness. – This I find to be extraordinarily hard.  How do I find happiness?  I usually think that once I have the life I want (husband, child/ren, etc) that I will be happy, but I can't rely on them for that.  I don't know how to achieve this, goodness knows I've been working on it for two years. 
11. Start giving your ideas and dreams a chance. – It's about taking a chance...I know this needs to be done, I've been pushing it away for too long.  I took my first gamble end of last year with renting my apartment...but now it is time for the next one.
12. Start believing that you’re ready for the next step. – I haven't been doing this.  But I need to take Thomas the Tank Engine's advice, 'I think I can, I think I can'. 
13. Start entering new relationships for the right reasons. –
14. Start giving new people you meet a chance. – I am trying. I am.
15. Start competing against an earlier version of yourself. – Oh the 22 year old me was pretty awesome.  I had a lot of things going for me, but I lost my way.  I need to get back to that state of mind where I can get anything I want and go after it.
16. Start cheering for other people’s victories. – I do this all the time. 
17. Start looking for the silver lining in tough situations. – Lately I have been trying to find the reason behind bad things.
18. Start forgiving yourself and others. – Again, very very important.  Forgiveness doesn’t mean you’re erasing the past, or forgetting what happened. It means you’re letting go of the resentment and pain, and instead choosing to learn from the incident and move on with your life.
19. Start helping those around you. – Way too much, in my opinion.
20. Start listening to your own inner voice. – Eh, I am not sure if I trust myself, which is why I haven't made changes.
21. Start being attentive to your stress level and take short breaks. – 
22. Start noticing the beauty of small moments. – Yes small things are good for overall happiness.
23. Start accepting things when they are less than perfect. –  I am definitely not as type A about certain things anymore. I've learned to take things with a grain of salt and deal with it.
24. Start working toward your goals every single day. – My goals are big and I can't work on it everyday (which is why I haven't made progress), but I need to take smaller steps at a time and tackle it little by litte.  
25. Start being more open about how you feel. – It is hard to talk about sadness with other people.
26. Start taking full accountability for your own life.
27. Start actively nurturing your most important relationships. 
28. Start concentrating on the things you can control. – 
29. Start focusing on the possibility of positive outcomes. – Think positive.  
30. Start noticing how wealthy you are right now. 

So that is how those things relate to me.  When you read the article or the synopsis above, was your mind turning and realizing things that you need to do also?

I hope to check out Marc's blog.  I do not know him, but after stumbling upon it with these articles, I read a few more and there is some great advice out there about bettering ourselves. I hope you find it a little helpful.

99 days arguement free

So 100 days into my new living arrangement, my mother finally yells at me. Apparently I forgot to ask them something when I ran to the grocery store to get a few items for my dinner and that was inconsiderate. I'll be honest, I didn't 'forget' to ask them, they were watching a movie and I know they don't eat salmon or asparagus, and that was what I was making (I also re-started the 17 day diet which is more restricted then what they'd be eating). I didn't see the big deal, in the last 100 days I have always asked (if they were home) if they needed something or I'd pick up some basics for them without asking them. When I buy food it isn't just for me, they are always entitled to it.

I was very annoyed by this outburst, which also included her not knowing where I disappear to when I go out. Sure I am living rent free to pay off my debt but I've helped cook, clean up, grocery shop, etc. I know I am not doing as much as I should nor am I doing as much as I would if I lived alone, but I am depressed and depressed people get a little leeway no?  I had to remind her that I was 32, I shouldn't have to tell them where I go (they don't know I am sort of seeing that guy).

While my mom did apologize to me after speaking with my father (I feel like I am 7 and they were discussing a punishment for me) who stuck up for me, it just helps to reinforce that I need to spend less time home. I know living here for another 10 months is going to be practically impossible so I was thinking about looking into renting a room/apartment on a month to month basis - I don't want to lock anything in.

What I really need to do is figure out where I want to move and suck it up and do it. I can't keep stalling. I hate my job and I think about quitting every day. Instead of finding a job around here until I move, I should just quit, move and find a job at my new place and continue to pay down my debt but at a much slower rate.

Readers, please send me some courage to make these huge changes.  It is really scary and risky, and I am so worried I am going to make a wrong choice.  Starting over somewhere new won't be easy, but I just have to remind myself I don't have a lot of friends here, so it won't be too different someplace else.  

No morning nookie may lead to an end

Me and my man-friend took a trip up to Mohegan Sun Sunday night. While we've had [only] three sleepovers, this was a little different, we'd be spending about 18 hours together. The almost two hour drive was a little awkward; we did a lot of our talking the first half, and while I was 100% comfortable with some silence, he did ask a few times if I was OK. But I ran out of things to say. We check into the hotel, and I was a little disappointed he didn't want to have a quickie before we headed to the casino, but the suspense I suppose made it something to look forward to later. We had dinner and drinks first I have to say, I like the guy, we have some very interesting conversations at dinner. He makes me laugh and I think he is nice looking with clothes on. Unfortunately we didn't have very much luck in the gambling area - but it was kinda fun but kinda not quite what I thought this date outing would be.

Unfortunately I remembered this morning why this man-friend continues to disappoint me. He isn't too aggressive like Bank Boy, which is nice, but I like a man who walks the talk and persues me. He says a lot of shit about how beautiful I am, things he wants to do to/with me, suggests a higher frequency, but then he doesn't do most of it and I am left disappointed. Not once from our sleep overs did we have sex in the morning...and that is a problem for me.  I have mentioned morning sex and he always claims he is up for it, but he is all weird in the morning like he woke up and there is a stranger in the bed that he needs to rush out. It makes no sense. For instance last night I told him that we better get it on in the morning and he adamantly agreed...isn't that why people go away together and stay the night?  But even sleeping sans clothes and rubbing his belly when he wakes up, he gets up and starts getting ready. After his shower, I walk over to him naked and kiss him, and he looks at me like I have 10 eyes and practically pushes me away. Is this normal male behavior? Did SI give me all these wrong ideas and expectations?  We had 40 minutes to check out of the hotel, plenty of time for a little action and if not surely when we got back 'home'?  But nope. Not even close.  Maybe he realized he didn't want this type of arrangement anymore.

Even though I barely feel any kind of emotional connection there is something about him that intrigues me. And I do get annoyed when he disappoints me. Maybe I do like him a little, but I am just so not ready to actually admit that...since that would mean he'd be the first person I'd like since SI?  But no, I don't think I do...if I did wouldn't I get butterflies and be excited to hang out? I know he isn't husband material and I don't feel any of that. 

This can't go on much longer because I am way too horny and I want someone who spends way more time with me. His words are pointless because in reality he can't met my most basic needs.  But is it worth it to end this arrangementnow? Or should I just suck it up and deal with it until I meet someone better? What if I don't?

I need to take control of my time

Sometimes I wonder if I am so miserable that I have to rely on other people to help me attain happiness.  In my head it makes perfect sense, but in reality I am always disappointed.

An example is when I take a day off from work, and I ask someone who I know has off, if they'd like to do something mid-day.  They agree.  However the night before they warn me that they now have lunch plans.  Hmm, I am not happy about that, but I go along with it, I can be flexible (remember I am a great friend).  So stupid me waits.  I am not even sure if we are still hanging out. I don't make other plans because really what would I do and I was set on doing that.  So I have a lazy day of not doing anything and then becoming sad that I have nothing to do and how I let this person screw up my day off. 

What can I say, I am a little type A.  I like to know what time I am meeting someone BEFORE that time arrives.  I like to PLAN my day.  Sure, I can be spontaneous when I am sitting around doing nothing and something comes up - I go for it, but it is different when I plan on something and the other person makes it spontaneous and a side thing if they get around to finding time. 

Back to my example, so here I am thinking I am doing something during the day with this friend.  I get a text at 4:00 that they just got home.  I get out of work at four, that means, our plans are now evening or night, voiding the whole purpose of me asking them to hang out in the first place.  After a little texting it was decided our original plans were obviously not going to work and we'd have dinner instead at 8:30pm. 

8:30.  What about from 4 - 8:30? That is four and a half hours.  That is not quite how I wanted my day to go.  In the late afternoon I came close to going to a movie but didn't thinking that lunch would have to be over soon.  I know it is all my fault, because I am not supposed to wait around for other people, isn't that one of the cardinal rules?  If anything that lesson was taught to me very well by SI...how I'd wait for him to get home, and he'd never show up.  Thinking you have that one person you can rely on all the time, and he doesn't pull through for you...so what does that say about all these so-called 'friends' who are way less important than a live in boyfriend?  If I knew the day before that I wasn't going to see this person until 8:30pm, my day would have been at least 70% different. 

I know this is something I need to change about myself because it drives me crazy and has for years.  I can't leave my need for doing things in other people's hands and I can't allow them to be responsible for my 'good/fun' days.

I need to make a list for my nights/weekends of things I can do by myself.  Like this weekend I am thinking I know I have zero plans on Saturday...what will I do?  I am tired of either doing nothing and feeling like I wasted yet another day or I am tired of people taking my time for granted, stringing me along when I could be making better use of my time.

I know you will say, "but Denise, you have a bucket list and you have goals...just work on them".  Well, the problem with that dear readers, is that those are mostly 'larger' items that require money (which I don't have) and time (most of the traveling stuff I'd want to do for more than a few hours and some places I'd like to experience with other people).  Sure there are a few easy things on there, but the timing might not be right...like I can host a back yard talent show whenever I wanted, but I'd like to do it with my children, which I don't yet have.

So, I know people read this aside from my 22 followers - so I ask you just to spend a few moments and write me a comment about things you do during your free time, or things you wish you had time to do.  It doesn't have to be anything crazy., just things that will help me pass the time and not be so depressed that I am single and alone and miserable.  Maybe I can even credit you when I meet my future husband from one of your suggestions.

a small talk for a small change

Well, it was time for 'the talk' with my male friend.  After a weekend alone again I drank a little and all these random thoughts started to go through my head.  Drinking and thinking rationally do not go together, but then again, the thoughts have been in my head for a while anyway.

Last week there was an impromptu date that ended back at his place...and what do I see in the sink?  2 wine glasses.  **FLASHING LIGHTS** go off in my head because why would there be two?  I have been around enough cheating that this was a sure fire sign to me that my friend had company the night before.

Then there are the times that he claims to not have plans but yet is unavailable to see me.  Really? Why wouldn't the man want to get laid?  **FLASHING LIGHTS** sign he is getting it somewhere else.

Now let's add in the fact that in the last two weeks I've noticed a difference.  He used to text me first, but then it was always me.  I was asking what he was doing and making the plans..I didn't like this.  **FLASHING LIGHTS** was I becoming a backup/midweek only kind of girl?  I don't want to be second. And why were we seeing less of each other now than we did a month ago?

So in the midst of drinking, I decide that if I was going to continue to pass time and hang out with him, then things need to change.  But how do you approach these topics with someone new?  As we are kissing, I am resisting doing anything else.  Then I realize now was the time.  I needed to have this small 'talk'.  But how do you tell someone after two months you want them to start using a condom? Isn't it a little late for that? 

I fumble and I sound incoherent even though in my head I practiced it several times throughout the day.  "Hmm.  Well...Look, I....If you are sleeping with other people, then we need to start using condoms.  I am having a hard enough time finding a husband now, let alone after I contract some sort of STD from you".  Yes folks, that is what I said.  He starts laughing and tells me I am crazy.  And I continue "well, you are always telling me that you are a bachelor and that one is never enough for you and I don't expect..." He cuts me off essentially not answering my questions or reassuring me but avoids it all together (typical man) and confirms that bachelor is just another word for single and I am over thinking the wrong things. 

So I wasn't able to get my examples in nor did I get a "I am not dating/sleeping with anyone else".  And I am sad to report that my little talk had zero effect. 

If you learn anything from me...I hope that you will stick to your guns more than I do. 

A friend like me

I am a great friend; the best.  I would love to have a friend like me, but I don't. 

Examples of how I've been a great friend in the last twelve months:

• Bought a housewarming party for an old friend because I knew he didn't have family support and I wanted him to know that people in this world care for him and want to help him. I spent about $120 on this. 
• I helped a friend clean an apartment that needed to be sold.  It was tough work, and sure I got paid for it, but that is not my thing and I wouldn't have done it but I knew if I was in that situation I'd want help too.
• A friend was laid off and I bought some very basic necessities while I grocery shopped and delivered them ($40).  I also got in touch with several leads for him for new employment.
• I babysit my friend's kids for the first time because she was in a bind and I knew she needed to get out.
• I baked cookies for my co-workers and a few other people
• I drove an hour so my sister could have a two drinks (I hoped she'd have more)
• I donated money to any cause when anyone asked me
• I helped a friend box up all her stuff so she could move out of her apartment after a breakup
• Took my tenant out to dinner after he moved in to make sure his move went smoothly and addressed any questions he had
• Attended events that sometimes didn't interest me so friends wouldn't have to go alone
• Bought lots of baby gifts - even for people I rarely see
• Attended a few boring showers/weddings
• Rearrange my schedule so I can do something with someone who asked for help
• Gave a few small gifts to people throughout the year when I was thinking of them or knew they'd like something
• Went out of my way to drop something off to someone
• Ate according to their diet
• I waited way to long for way too many people and pretended it didn't bother me

That is just a few.  By nature I am a very sweet, caring, helpful, and understanding person.  I want to do what I can to help other people in whatever ways they need it.  The problem usually arises when I help someone my way, when they don't understand me.  Someone called me crazy just this past weekend...but I am not crazy, I just wanted to help.  I am not rich and I would love to do more, but I do what I can.  Sometimes I get a 'Thank you" sometimes I do not.  I am not doing it to get something back each time - but I'll be honest, I wish I had more friends like me. 

Sometimes I feel like when I need help no one is around.  When I ask questions, people ignore me.  When I want something, no one is there for me.  Or they agree but at the last minute cancel.  Sure I have my family...but it is obvious I have very few friends.  I don't care that my friends are minimal, but I'd like them to be better - or I need new ones.  There is only so much I can take before I feel like I give and give and give and get nothing in return.

I'd love to be bitchier. I swear those women get farther in life and somehow manage to get what they want.  But instead I got these qualities from my mother.  After a while people just assume you'd do this or that for them because that is the type of person you are...and they are using me.  How is that fulfilling to me?  The sad part is I let it continue long enough because I genuinely care about my 'close' friends and hope I am wrong about them.  But I am not, and I've seen more friendships end in the last 10 years they I'd have liked.

I wish I had a friend like me.

Why my past men are important to me

I feel like I need to recount my sexual past and share with you what I've learned from them and why they were important in my life and helped me develop into who I am today and who I will become in the future.

1. Kevin - losing virginity is never fun. Glad I did it with someone I knew. One night stands are not the best.
2. Cop #1 - intense sexual attraction.  Sex all the time. 'cyber sex'. videos.  First sexual relationship and what I base most of my other encounters around.
3. Cop #2 - anal sex hurts way too much to be enjoyed without lube.
4. SI - simultaneous self masturbation. toy.  sex multiple times a day.  squirting. living with someone.  love. heartache. signs of cheating. 
5. Greasy - I don't like sex when it is suffocating. I need to breathe.
6. Bank Boy - some men won't stop until your needs are met...it was a strange feeling to have someone so attentive
7. Doofy - rough.  big penis isn't necessarily a good thing.
8. HSK - how amazing a small penis could be.  Orgasm during sex.
9. ManFriend - slow passionate (without the passion) sex.

Without all these completely different experiences I wouldn't know how to change things up a little.  Sex is truly so different with different people but there is no reason why you can't take what you learned one place and tried it with someone else.  It also helps you realize what you like and what you don't. I am thankful for all these experiences so far, and I look forward for more to come.

My sex list

Sometimes I scare myself.  In my head I am wholesome and naive. But I've done some very questionable things...and I want to do more. I need a little corruption.

Is it bad that I wanted to add to my bucket list something like - sleep with a married man? or have sex with someone older?  Granted I accomplished both, but I didn't add them to my published list because my family reads this...and what would they think of me?  I don't care if you think I am crazy or skanky...but them I did care a little bit...until now.

I am left to making a sex list of things to try.  But I need your help.  Surprisingly when I googled Sexual Bucket List I actually had more things crossed off than I thought I would; thanks numbers 1-9.

Other things on my list will be:

• have a true one night stand with a stranger
• role play (I have 3/4 of an outfit)
• have sex in a public place
• have sex in a car
• have sex with two men within hours of each other (I think my closest has been 24 hours)
• anal beads? or plug?
• have an orgasm in 5 minutes or less with sex alone
• have my hair pulled during sex
• have lingerie ripped because of the sexual intensity
• have sex on a balcony at night
• have sex standing up
• have sex with most of my clothes on
• have extremely quiet sex
• have sex in an 'advanced' position
• have sex at work (I may have done this...does it count if it was his work?)
• buy sexy/stripper shoes and have sex wearing them
• have erotic pictures taken of me

What am I missing?

The school girl

So many guys fantasize about the school girl in their plaid skirt and white top with knee socks uniform. Only a few weeks into talking to a new guy, did he ask me to dress up for him.  Unfortunately I had to disappoint him, I mean, I am kind of wholesome and I don't stock those kinds of clothes in my closet.  Wouldn't he be more worried if I did and had some variety?  Catholic? Private School? etc.

On my day off today, I made some extra stops in my errand running to find such clothes.  I tried Joyce Leslie.  Wow, they had quite a selection of skanky clothes, but not the kind of skirts I have in my mind.  I did pick up a tight white button up and several knee socks.  Then off to Marshalls...but no skirts of any kind.

I don't want to spend a fortune, and I have no idea where to go to find this.  Suggestions?

Dating an older person

Back in the day it was commonplace for the man in a relationship to be quite older than the woman - think of all the princes and kings who sought a very young and beautiful brides and all the old rich men that sought out their future young wives.  Sometimes I read these historical fiction books and am somewhat disgusted that a 30 year old man is with a 15 year old woman.  Is it the 15 year old age difference that bothers me or is it that the woman are just generally very young?

Age differences when we are younger seems like a bigger deal.  I couldn't have imagined dating someone more than 3 years older than me when I was in high school or more than 5 years older than me when I was in my 20s.   After the breakup with SI one of my sisters who is ten years older than me could have set me up with her friends but I declined thinking he was too old.  I turned down a few older fellas because being 27 with a 40 year old seemed too much for me...where was my 35 year old man?  As we get older, I think a ten year difference is acceptable, but what about 15 or 20? What do you think of Michael Douglas and Catherine Zeta Jones? The former Demi & Ashton? Is their age difference workable or are they just too different because they want different things because they are at different points in their lives? I know they are not the best examples since they are all rich and that makes life a little easier to get through.


Yet I have been exposed to some age differences from my great aunts and uncles...at least a ten year difference and I wondered as a kid...wow, when he was 10 she was just born and then I have some really gross thoughts.  Now however, I am in my thirties and my age range to date someone has expanded.  I am currently 32 and I am willing to date someone between 30 and 42.  [There is that magical 10 year age difference again]  While I was still hesitant to date someone at the top of my age range, I figured better be older than younger right? I don't want someone immature and I want someone with life experience and that can help show me the way.

Now, here I am sort of dating someone who is 42 1/2 and I do get a little freaked out. First, he was 10 (in grade 5th grade) when I was born.  He had sex for the first time when I was only 7, graduated college when I was only in the 6th grade.  He has ten extra years of life experience...that is a lot more relationships, traveling, experimenting, working, etc.  If I were to have children with an older man - will he be able to keep up? See his children graduate from college? Will I have to take care of him when he can't take care of himself anymore?  He will be ready for retirement when I would still have to work [although my dream is to be a stay at home wife/mother] and more than likely will die before me leaving me alone yet again.

Is this something I can really handle? I am not saying specific to this particular person because who knows about that...but age differences in general.  What are your thoughts?

Night Clubs aren't my friend

I went to my first night club, I even got my hand stamped.  I didn't really plan for it, but it was a friend's birthday and my sister wanted to escape her family and indulge in an adult beverage.  I head up her way still wearing my jeans and a thin sweater to be her driver.  We get there 'early' at 10:30pm - was no cover charge.  The place started filling up quickly. 

Next thing I know the lights are so dim I can barely see and the music, if you can even call those noises without words or repeating words over and over music, was really loud.  The lights were flashing and spinning.

I look around me at the other people. I was surprised to see such a mix of ages but then I looked at what the women were wearing and I realized that there really is use for those left over bridesmaids dresses, fishnet stockings and when did the mini skirt come back?  One girls skirt was so small she went up one step and I saw her panties...thank goodness she had something on underneath.  I felt very out of place, and some people were looking at me because Oh My Goodness I was wearing jeans and not showing boob; it was like I was from Mars. 

I go to the restroom and right away I notice at all 8 sinks, there were 8 women lined up at each sink/mirror in their tight little skirts applying lipstick and fixing their hair.  I felt like I was watching strippers get ready before their show.

All I kept thinking was does that really work?  Does dressing in the tight small clothes actually get men to talk to you?  What if the place was flooded with the same type of women...how do men choose between them?  I understand that I am not the skanky type, and I could never imagine dressing like that to find a man to have a one night stand with...because there would be no way I could imagine meeting a man to start a relationship with at a place like that.

After being there for two hours my sister & I were ready to leave - actually I was ready to leave after 20 minutes but of course we weren't there for us.  As we were saying our goodbyes, I realized how hot I was and how much water I drank.  I wondered if that is why all the women had such little clothing on.

I am satisfied being a homebody and hanging out at the local neighborhood bar.

Love lessons from Ernest Hemingway

I just finished The Paris Wife by Paula McLain.  As I neared the end of this historical fiction book about Ernest Hemingway and Hadley Richardson, I found it hit so close to home.

If you wanted to read this book and don't know about Ernest Hemingway, then stop reading because I am going to reveal the jist of the book.

Essentially Ernest married Hadley, who was about 7 years older than him. They fall in love and get married. They move to Paris and start a wonderful life of sex, drinking, traveling and some writing. People think they are the perfect couple, and from the wife's point of view, it does seem wonderful. They have a child and things are still OK. On a side topic, I would like to point out that during this time, it seems wonderful - they are broke, but yet they find ways to vacation for weeks or months at a time. They have a nanny for the child and they continue to party and travel without the child. I want that. Anyway, at some point, Ernest falls in love with Hadley's very good friend and begins an affair. Of course the wife doesn't realize this for months, but after it is revealed, and she confronts him...he basically blames her. Wow, talk about hitting home, didn't SI do the same exact thing to me? What is it with men who cheat who displace the fault and blame the 'victim' because she exposed the truth.

 I copied the picture on the left for the following excerpt "His silence was as much as an admission that he was in love with her, but somehow he'd turned it all back on me so the affair wasn't the worst thing, but that I'd had the ...bad taste to mention it".  This sentence captures such an unspoken commonality between women that get cheated on, cheaters have this amazing ability to twist things around and blame the other person for their behaviors.  When I found out about SI and I confronted him and his family, it was way 'worse' that I told the truth about what he did and he could never forgive me or trust me again...but that cheating on me for 3 years was just a speckle of something that happened. What I did, he claimed was worse and unforgivable.  Reading this really hit home. 

On top of that, Ernest thinks he is allowed to have everything he wants (sound familiar SI?) and wants to establish a relationship with both women and have the mistress vacation with them and they eat their meals together, and it is just way to strange. How can a relationship like that really work out? It can't. The pain Hadley goes through because she loves Ernest and doesn't want to let go of him, what she is willing to endure, the pain she feels, to me, it is so familiar. Her eventual decision takes courage but will lead to happiness.

The next picture continues from above and basically just says the same thing "play the victim if you want, but no one's a victim here. You should have kept your goddammed mouth shut. Now it's all shot to hell." Here Ernest is telling Hadley that she is just as much to blame because now he can't have both women, and something needed to change. He couldn't think of letting his mistress go and he didn't want to give up his wife, but Hadley wasn't going to go along with the 'let's all live together and be happy' idea.   This also is familiar from my relationship with SI.  At the time of the breakup I was so devastated that I couldn't think about loosing him to someone else, I did wonder if we all could live together, just so I wouldn't be alone, but that would never have worked for me because I am jealous and I would not have liked it when he was having his 'visits' with her in the next room.  Who would be able to tolerate that? I do not know how the polygamist wives do it, I give them credit.  I don't want to share my man.

Ernest gets what he wants, but it is temporary...he ends up marring I think they said 4 times and then commits suicide. He calls Hadley many years later to talk about their time together and he finally admits that he made a mistake, that it was among the best time of his life.

So, SI wherever you are, you behaved the same way as Ernest Hemingway. I haven't found a love to replace you yet, but I will, eventually. And I really hope that your relationships are not fulfilling, that you are missing something and that you occasionally look back at what you did to me as a regret.  I hope I hear from you in the future when you are near your breaking point, and honestly and truly apologize to me. 

Invisible to men

Once in a while, I think we all need a good pick me up with areas we struggle the most with.  For me that is if I am attractive and the desire to have men talk to me and maybe if I am lucky date them and marry them.

I walk by mirrors and I always look at what I look like.  I am looking a bit more weathered and old, but for the most part, I do not think I am unattractive. It mystifies me that I am invisible to men.

Every time I work a trade show men flock to the booth to talk to my co-worker. When I go out with a single friend, men don't generally talk to us at all, but she gets way more attention than I do. When I am in line at the grocery store, the men hit on the women with children.  If I was at the library it seems that the strangers talking are older, if I go to the gas station people tend to talk to people with nicer cars, and if I go to a bar people look at me, but they don't smile or approach me, sometimes it is the blonds, sometimes it is the 'fake' girls, sometimes it is the 'party' girls.  No competition for me there, those are things I don't want to be and that isn't the kind of guy I want if they are attracted to those type of people.

For a while I really TRIED to seem more open and available, but it didn't change anything from the 'normal' more serious me.  I did my hair different, put more effort into wearing makeup regularly, wearing boots/heels, etc.  Sure I do smile, but I don't walk around with a fake smile plastered on my face. If I laugh or smile, it is genuine.

Last weekend I was talking to my booth-neighbor at a trade show; I met him at another conference.  He essentially told me I was so beautiful and that he found me more attractive than my co-worker, and that I seem more mature and confident. I thanked him, as it was nice of him and came as quite a surprise for me. But I was baffled. I told his man that I appreciated his comments and that one would think if i did in fact possess those qualities, isn't it shocking I am single with ZERO interested parties out there, that no one even approaches me let alone shows desire to talk to me over drinks?  He was shocked of course and I wondered if he thought I mentioned that because I have low self esteem because I didn't necessarily need reassurance but answers.  No, I need both.

It is really nice to hear people compliment you.  But it isn't enough. I want to be visible. I want some competition from men, I want to have a small selection to chose from so I am not left wondering if I am settling for the ONE person who actually had courage to talk to me.  Does anyone have a serum for visibility??

January 2012 goal rundown

Well it is February, so I have been on my 'new' lifestyle 2 full months.  It has been quite an adjustment to say the least.

As far as the money is concerned...in December there was Christmas and not all of my allocations were changed properly at work.  I didn't save any money and I didn't pay off anything, but I did buy most of my holiday gifts via debit card.

In January I paid a bit more towards my credit card and my allocations were changed properly.  Unfortunately my spending habits have not disappeared and I am still buying stuff.  The great stuff I bought in January? 

• a waterproof video/camera  $85
• 6 more sessions for 'full bikini' laser hair removal $129
• $16 for a new restaurant in my town
• $49 for two people for archery lessons
• $99 for two people to go zip lining
• $29 for a healthy cooking class
• $3 for 2 nook books
• $70 worth of birthday presents for friend & her kids
• $70 for jewelry cleaning
• $22 for a movie
• $130 for family cooking week
• $300 on clothes
• about $100+ on drinks over the weekend
• and of course gas for the car, groceries, prescriptions, and my life coach

Clearly I have a problem.  I am hoping it is just because I have this extra comfort level now? But that is wrong...because the whole point of this is to save money and pay off my debt.

As for my living situation, it has been an adjustment. It is OK, my parents are wonderful unfortunately I am ultra moody these days one could say depressed even.  Crazy how I was on top of the world just days ago.  I have wondered a few times in the past and now again if I have slight bi-polar disorder. 

As for my love life...well, I never really thought that living with my parents would provide me the opportunity to date.  There is someone, but if I learned anything over the last two weeks is that I'll keep him around until I find someone better.

My job searching is very inconsistent. I have applied to maybe only 4 jobs in January.  Finding time to actually LOOK for jobs takes so long.  The cover letter is time consuming and sometimes I don't have that much free time.  Work is sometimes busy sometimes not, and after work goes back and forth with being around and not.  On my days off the last thing I want to do is sit in front of my computer (as you probably have noticed from my lack of posting).

So that was my January.  I'll keep you posted with my financial and 2012 goals each month.