I'm my family's slut

I have become the family slut.  Normally I would gasp at such an accusation - me a slut? Hardly.

But the truth is all facts.  I got a late start at sex compared to friends and family, I was 19.  I was proud that when SI and I were together I was only at #4, very respectable, and I thought #4 would be it for me.  But not dating anyone in 5 years all while on my quest to find my fh made that nice & low number increase a bit.  Oh and I am the only still single person in my family and most of my friends...so naturally my number would be higher, right?

I am not convinced my number is final there may still be one or two more. And even that final number I would be OK with...because it is still low compared to all 'normal' standards for a single female in her 30's.

So what do I do? I Google the 'average number of sexual partners for women in their 30s' and I find this entertainment calculator...I mean how can it really know?  So I answer the three questions and I get this:

Wow, I am above average in not just math...but in sexual partners?  Can that be true?....so I continue to look through the Google results and read what other people claim in articles and in blogs....women average 4 sexual partners and men 7.   Read an article here - this article and the others I found make sense if you think you are in love and will stay with your man from your 20s.  But when life doesn't work out and you find yourself single again...there is only so much non-sex you can have on dates...at some point you need to go a little further.  Couple that with the fact that women hit their prime in their 30s...we are horny and we like sex and there is only so much masturbation one can handle without craving sex with someone else.  In the past I would not let many guys get that far because I didn't want a high number, and I wanted to be sure that I actually liked the person, so 3 out of my first 4 were relationships.   Then when I became single and older, I needed to have sex with a few people to get past my fears of being with someone new, to figure out how to have meaningless sex.  While I am still a little picky about the guys I select, I don't make the guys wait a month before getting naked. 

Unfortunately half of my sexual partners resulted in sex less than 5 occurrences each.  My goal going forward it to ensure that my future sexual partners are more long lasting. 

So what is my number at age 32? I am at 9 right now...with a few more to go.   I think I have more total now than all of my sisters combinded...so I am MY family's slut.

The power of the Magic 8 Ball

This year I am happy to report for the first time that all my little kiddies liked the gifts I picked out for them.  But the winning gift was the Magic 8 Ball.  I think everyone got a chance to ask the Magic 8 Ball about their hopes & dreams. 

I practically ripped the ball out of my nephew's hand...I mean, was his questions about getting Legos more important than my quest for love?  I think not.

Ohhh, Magic 8 Ball....I asked you quite a few questions about my future love life and I was very happy with all the responses.  I even tried to trick you by asking the negative version of the question before, but you didn't get fooled!

So what does the Magic 8 Ball predict for me?  That I will meet my future husband (fh) in 2012, that I will marry into money, that the guy I am talking to now is not my fh, I will have children, and that I will be super happy.  Sounds great, I'll take it.

Holiday gift confusion

With the holidays upon us, it is no surprise that I have wondered who it is appropriate to buy a gift for.  Of course I have my usual: parents, grandmother, 2 aunts, nieces & nephews, 1 work gift, and 1 cousin gift, but what about the few extra people that you think about this time of year.

I have this fantastic co-worker and we have become good friends this year.  Buying her a gift seems like a really nice thing to do, but I don't want her to feel obligated or continue down a gift path.  I'll probably give it to her anyway because I know she will appreciate and use it.  Maybe I won't wrap it and give it to her in January just because.

What about someone you just started dating?  You don't know very much about the person although you have some great ideas but if you started dating at any other time of the year you would not get them a gift so quickly, it is just bad timing.  Should you be prepared just in case?  How much money should you spend?  Can it be something homemade or simple - like a knitted scarf - or something they casually mentioned one night even if it is over $150? 

Then there is always the tips for the mail person and garbage men but what about the other service people?  I don't get a ton of packages and I couldn't tell you who my FedEx/UPS person is.  What about the aesthetician that are removing my hair - am I supposed to give them a little extra or go out of my way to see them before my next appointment?  I bake cookies for my building concierges and my coworkers, but is that enough?  What about my clients - aside from sending them a holiday card, am I supposed to do more?

Of course there is always the people you completely forget about.

And what happens when you receive a gift from someone unexpected, and you are not prepared? Or worse, what if someone gives you this amazing gift and you only spent $20.

I try to put a lot of thought into my gifts these days, and I get a great deal of joy from someone who actually likes their gift. I try not to get gift cards unless I am completely lost on an idea. 

Stay the night

If someone asks you to spend the night with them, how do you know if you are ready for that? It seems like a big step, and I wonder if in a new relationship where staying the night is too premature?  How do you know when you've moved to that level?

Of course in the moment it seems like a fantastic idea, but after things settle down and you are left wide awake when the other person is sleeping....you can't help but wonder why you are still there.  Not only are you in a new environment, different bed but you have to contend with the new noises and breathing and wonder when it is an appropriate time to use the bathroom and hope to not wake the person up.   Are you allowed to sneak out and leave a note?  Can you move into the living room and watch TV?  Do you lay there all night waiting for the morning to see what would happen....will he kiss you with morning breath? will he make you breakfast? will you end up staying part of the day relaxing and doing the crossword puzzle? Or will it be completely disappointing?

Taking it slow

We've all heard the phrase "let's take it slow", but what does that mean? 

A.  In the past when I've heard that phrase used I assumed it meant that they wanted to get to know each other before having sex.  Sure, it is important to build that foundation for a good relationship but it is really hard to spend a lot of time with someone and not kiss or want to fool around.  So how long is 'slow'?  Are you supposed to wait X number of dates or so many weeks?  Previous posts I have asked about waiting or not because if you enjoy sex, it is important to know that you are compatible in that department and why waste all that time if it isn't going to work out in the end.

B.   So let's say the line is crossed, you had sex - is slow now thrown out the window entirely because you couldn't wait and subsequent encounters most likely will result in sex (especially in the beginning).  Does 'let's take it slow' now mean I don't want anything serious?

C.   Do guys say "let's take it slow" make it seem like they have good intentions, but it is supposed to be some sort of reverse psychology where because they said it the woman is now ready to jump ahead?

D.    Does he truly like you and not want you to feel pressured into anything and even though he knows he wants a relationship since it is hard to adjust to all of a sudden spending so much time with someone.

E.    Or all of the above.

Day 30 - Write a letter to yourself, tell yourself EVERYTHING you love about yourself

Dear Me,

I am so proud of you - you have really come a long way this year.  You were faced with what seemed to be an impossible challenge, and you finally overcame it.  While it wasn't easy, you thought of some great small steps to get to where you need to go.  Sometimes thinking outside the box works really well.  You intentionally put yourself in situations where you were uncomfortable; and yet you survived and was able to learn and grow from those experiences.

The friends thing is still a struggle right now, but I don't doubt that you have built a foundation for eventually finding friends.  You are more cheerful and smiley and just all around happy and people are attracted to those qualities. Just give it a little more time.

You are such a caring person - the love you show with your family and the few friends you care about is amazing.  Going out of your way to help others or finding ways to make those you love happy are fantastic qualities.  Keep it up.

I give you credit for watching what you've been eating.  Sure you aren't loosing that much weight since you still refuse to exercise, but you are looking fantastic.  Changing up your hair and makeup, laser hair removal, buying some new clothes, shoes and purses have helped boost your self-esteem.  Having a few men tell you how attractive you are helps too even if it is still hard for you to believe since you are a bit modest.

Just as importantly, I am happy to see that your confidence level at work, traveling and other such times has affected the way you see yourself and the realization of what you want versus what you don't is more apparent.

I love that you are still so easy-going and level headed.

Remember that you will never experience the kind of pain and trouble you did a few years back; it can only get better...so keep up the good work! 

Day 29 - Something you hope to change about yourself. And why

Day 29 - Something I hope to change about myself

Two things I hope to change about myself would be my comfort level with sex and being courageous enough to do more things by myself.

I am in my thirties and I am not a virgin, so why is my comfort level with sex so low?  I mostly blame SI for that one...I mean, getting cheated on puts things in perspective.  Was it because the sex was horrible?  But if that was the case, why did he keep me around for another two years or so?  After SI, I had sex with a few other people that I didn't like...and well, because of that - I didn't put effort in to trying to have good sex and I didn't think those people deserved me knocking their socks off...then they'd just want it more and I didn't.  Then came HSK and the sex was amazing but it didn't last long. He definitely helped reboost the self esteem in that area, but not enough.  To find a guy you can openly talk to about your areas of improvement and willingness to help you could be hard. I am not the kind of girl that will settle for OK sex...I want good. I want to keep coming back for more. I want them to keep me interested and change things up not the same old boring thing all the time.  I will get there, I know I will.

The second thing I keep hoping that I won't have to face:  doing more things by myself.  I want someone in my life to SHARE so many things with me.  Vacations, new restaurants/foods, a Saturday afternoon, chores, etc.  For the last 5 years I have done a lot of things alone, and have tried to make it a goal to do things out of my comfort zone.  Sometimes I reached my quotas sometimes I didn't.  Even if I do find myself in a relationship then this is still a good skill to have because I don't want my man to be stuck on me - I'd want him to go out with his friends once in a while and I do the same.  Alone time is important.

Love at first sight?

Do you believe in love at first sight?  I was not really sure if I did; I mean, who is to say that that love will even last?  If that is the case, can we call it LOVE?  I am not 100% convinced.  My past "love" experiences haven't worked out and I have struggled with the idea of mutual love.  How would this love appear, will it last and can your body know it before your head? 

The one time I found love, it was not at first sight, not even close.

Then there are times where I had other feelings - not love at first sight, but attraction that I knew instantly that nothing would happen, I did get THOSE feelings a few times (I think you know what I mean).

But can you meet someone and know instantly that you'd have some sort of relationship in the future? You always hear stories about this, but you figure they are the exceptions, I mean WHO does that really happen to? I never knew anyone personally, until now.

So I am here to let you know that mutual intense attraction can be had by both parties at the same first moment.  Of course you don't know the other party feels the exact same way, although you know that something intense is there, so you figure how can they not?  When you discover the truth it seems so....normal, but yet, I don't think many people could even understand.

So is that intense attraction really love at first sight?  I still can't say with certainty. 

A look in my closet

Look at the picture below...what do you see (aside from the slight blurriness)?

Not only are my clothes organized by color (I used to arrange each color by sleeveless, short sleeve than long sleeve....but who can keep up with that?) but all my hangers are the same color.  I have to say that I think any closet looks a lot better that way.

When I went off to college in 1997, I needed hangers.  I decided on a color and bought a bunch.  But then they discontinued my hanger and so I really have a mix of two very similar colors and design.  I think my closet seems 'cleaner' and I am not so distracted by all the other hanger colors.  My pants hangers are a mix of three different kinds, but I do not use the cheap ones from the store (unless I have to until I buy more hangers).

My closet is very large - and I have more clothes in drawers and in bins...I need a serious clean out of stuff I don't wear and some replacements of cuter & stylish-but simple clothes.  This could be due to all the COLOR I have now, I used to be a brown/black/grey shirt person, but little by little in the last 5 years as I've tried to be a little more attractive, I've added color.  It is sad I still have so many clothes because I do get rid of a few bags twice a year, but it is never enough. 

How do you arrange your closet?

Card Reading

I went back to Katie's Cottage for the card readings with Vickie.  I was hoping to compare the card reading and the tea leaf reading.  Vickie also does 1 hour tea leaf readings for $80 out of her house.

But before we even get that far, I'd like to take a moment and talk about Katie's Cottage.  This was now my third time there and I became very unhappy with the staff.  I booked our reading when I was there the last time. I am 100% sure that the night was completely empty since I saw the book they write in.  When I was in Arizona I received two phone calls on the same day to confirm my appointment and the number of people.  When we got there, apparently a table of three also had a reservation and since they were a smaller party, they went first, which now delayed our reading by one hour.  This is unfortunate because 1) I had people that traveled an hour or more to come  2) now we'd be stuck at this restaurant for 4 hours and 3) a long day was ahead for the people I went with.  The waitress was absolutely horrible.  I don't remember her name. She was not familiar with the menu, I had to tell her that my dish came with a potato and soup/salad (which she confirmed after speaking to someone else or looked at a menu), we asked her for bread twice in the first hour we were there because she never took our order, she was so overwhelmed and the place was not even half full.  In the end they comped us about $70 but she never even told us, I saw it on the itemized receipt. Whether that was an accident (not knowing how to ring up the readings) or intentional I don't know.

OK, so on with the reading:
M - do something fun in a few weeks
C - complaining of elbow/wrist pain
New lover in 4-5 months. Probably divorced. Name beginning with A or N.  I'd meet him alone and near the end of the month.
A - will ask me to do a favor or I'll ask to do A a favor
Ro - will show me direction
A female will come to me with a problem in 3 months and ask for help
J - is a great person (coworker)
I am on the phone a lot at work
March 15th I'll have a crisis
JP/PJ - impact at job
In June there will be a family party
Money is OK
I will have one child
A couple will be in crisis.  Don't say anything negative because they will stay together
Someone at work has a heath problem
Family change in May
In 12 months my whole life will be different
A - losing a friend that has drained me (I know exactly who this is!)
I'll go to F or P for a work trip
Peter or Paul has a big impact on me
no change of job in 2012, maybe in 2013.
I'll move away from my family

Also, she was able to see that I've had a huge break in my love line.  She said that my ex (SI) completely destroyed me but that I will eventually be very happy.

So let's compare:
Tea leaf:  Meet fh in February, have 2 children, new job in 2012   (see first reading here and second here)
Card reading: Meet fh end of May, have 1 child, new job in 2013

I shouldn't be so picky since either way I'll meet my fh in 2012! I can't wait.  I'd prefer it to be in February since I've waited so long...but even if it is the end of May, I'll survive. I can't lose hope.  I'd prefer not to have an only child, but that doesn't mean that I can't adopt or foster another child.  I'd also prefer a new job sooner rather than later and with that an increase in salary.

As far as the other readings are concerned...so far one HUGE thing did happen to one of the other people I was with.  The other things we won't know for a few more weeks/months.  Will keep you updated.

365 days and counting of being SI free

Yeah for me. It has been one year since I saw or spoke to SI.  December 3, 2010 we went to see a show. I bought a dress for the occasion, knowing I'd never see him again.

That night was really hard for me. Just a week before that we did the Thanksgiving balloons and had a really horrible conversation at dinner.  I knew that night when I had tears in my eyes while he was texting his friends and told me things he shouldn't have, that I couldn't do it anymore.  I was completely emotionally drained.  So in the car ride and at the show, we sat in a weird silence for a while, not knowing what to say to each other.  I knew he only invited me because whatever female he originally purchased the tickets to take was no longer going...I was now the backup; a really hard transition.  I didn't want to share too much with someone that I once loved more than words can describe - knowing that it wouldn't make a difference one way or another.  We weren't part of each other's lives anymore - and I really didn't care to hear about things that I no longer was involved with, it made me sad.

The decision was really hard even though I thought about it a lot over the 4 and a half years.   Saying it and doing it are completely different.  I was proud of myself, even if it was temporary because if SI still talked to me, I would have responded and I would have seen him because that is who I am.  But blocking IM helped - I didn't stare at his name and wonder if he'd ever reach out.  And you know what? He didn't reach out. He moved on when we were still together and apparently was able to see/talk to me as friends when I still hoped for more. 

So, how have I felt over the past 365 days?  Well, I've actually felt a lot better.  My stress level has significantly decreased, in February - April I had a short fling that really boosted my self esteem and my personality finally is back to where it should be.  I also felt better because I hate to lie, and lying to my family was really hard. In the beginning they knew I was seeing him and I told them a few times I was moving back in with him and getting back together -- but he always made excuses when it came down to it.  I felt like the little boy who cried wolf.  I couldn't keep telling them SI and I were getting back together because then they got upset when I didn't; they felt really bad for me.  Even the years after that, I'd still see him but I felt like I couldn't tell anyone...and when you can't tell anyone, it is wrong and it has disaster written all over it. 

I can't coherently describe my thoughts & feelings regarding SI.  I loved him and was then heartbroken beyond belief.  Some people have stated that my emotions were overreacted, but I don't think they were. They were honest & true & I never wanted us to be not together.  What he did to me was horrible, but I didn't hate him for it - sometimes people just make a few wrong choices; and I was willing to forgive him.  However, the emotional abuse I suffered as a consequence made this breakup far worse than most of you readers could even understand. 

Sure, I still think about SI a lot, but the thoughts I have now are faded memories or nightmares, they aren't hopes for my future.  If anything I've learned a lot about what I will be able to tolerate and what I can not in my future husband as well as the type of family life I want.