365 days and counting of being SI free

Yeah for me. It has been one year since I saw or spoke to SI.  December 3, 2010 we went to see a show. I bought a dress for the occasion, knowing I'd never see him again.

That night was really hard for me. Just a week before that we did the Thanksgiving balloons and had a really horrible conversation at dinner.  I knew that night when I had tears in my eyes while he was texting his friends and told me things he shouldn't have, that I couldn't do it anymore.  I was completely emotionally drained.  So in the car ride and at the show, we sat in a weird silence for a while, not knowing what to say to each other.  I knew he only invited me because whatever female he originally purchased the tickets to take was no longer going...I was now the backup; a really hard transition.  I didn't want to share too much with someone that I once loved more than words can describe - knowing that it wouldn't make a difference one way or another.  We weren't part of each other's lives anymore - and I really didn't care to hear about things that I no longer was involved with, it made me sad.

The decision was really hard even though I thought about it a lot over the 4 and a half years.   Saying it and doing it are completely different.  I was proud of myself, even if it was temporary because if SI still talked to me, I would have responded and I would have seen him because that is who I am.  But blocking IM helped - I didn't stare at his name and wonder if he'd ever reach out.  And you know what? He didn't reach out. He moved on when we were still together and apparently was able to see/talk to me as friends when I still hoped for more. 

So, how have I felt over the past 365 days?  Well, I've actually felt a lot better.  My stress level has significantly decreased, in February - April I had a short fling that really boosted my self esteem and my personality finally is back to where it should be.  I also felt better because I hate to lie, and lying to my family was really hard. In the beginning they knew I was seeing him and I told them a few times I was moving back in with him and getting back together -- but he always made excuses when it came down to it.  I felt like the little boy who cried wolf.  I couldn't keep telling them SI and I were getting back together because then they got upset when I didn't; they felt really bad for me.  Even the years after that, I'd still see him but I felt like I couldn't tell anyone...and when you can't tell anyone, it is wrong and it has disaster written all over it. 

I can't coherently describe my thoughts & feelings regarding SI.  I loved him and was then heartbroken beyond belief.  Some people have stated that my emotions were overreacted, but I don't think they were. They were honest & true & I never wanted us to be not together.  What he did to me was horrible, but I didn't hate him for it - sometimes people just make a few wrong choices; and I was willing to forgive him.  However, the emotional abuse I suffered as a consequence made this breakup far worse than most of you readers could even understand. 

Sure, I still think about SI a lot, but the thoughts I have now are faded memories or nightmares, they aren't hopes for my future.  If anything I've learned a lot about what I will be able to tolerate and what I can not in my future husband as well as the type of family life I want.