Miss Awesomeness

Imagine my reaction when I see a comment like this:


from this post

 I mean, Yeah, I know that I am a fairly cool/great person...but I didn't think other people saw that in me...and what is even better? This person doesn't even know me.  Thank you Anonymous you really made my day and boosted my self esteem just when I needed it!!

Again, readers, thank you for reading & commenting!   Most of the time your email is disabled or you post anonymously (which is totally fine, and I still appriciate it) but I can't write you back, but please know that I read EVERYTHING I get and thank you for all your feedback  - both positive and negitive.

Interruptions & Apologies

Did you catch How I Met Your Mother on Monday? (Ducky Tie)  I don't think I need to remind you that I love that show - perhaps because they touch on subjects that are all too familiar to me.

This past week, two things caught my attention.  The first is a horrible thing my family has gotten into since the arrival of all the kids...that it takes hours to finish one conversation.  The story Ted was telling the gang about Victoria was spread out over three different locations...and was constantly being interrupted but then they went back to it.   My family does this a lot...and unfortunately, it has been rubbing off on me even without them.  I can be talking about one thing, need to stop to say something, and then go back to what I was saying before; if I remember.  I know this has become annoying -especially to me, so I have been trying to work on that.

The second thing was the reconnection of Ted & Victoria.  They see each other after 6 years and they have that connection still...and then she says she is engaged...to the guy from Germany, who she started seeing only 1.5 days after Ted & her broke up.  Granted Ted cheated on her with Robin, but he never stopped feeling guilty about it.  Ted says "I spent the last 6 years feeling like I betrayed you...but you know what?  ....  I would never forget it or never stop regretting it because what we had meant that much to me, I wish it meant that much to you too."  Victoria claims that she loved Ted but that she had to see Ted again to know that the other guy was the right thing. 

I want that.  I want SI to reach out just when I am finally happy...and to tell me, seriously - with meaning...that he loved me and regretted his decisions.  That not a day goes by that he doesn't think of me for just a moment and/or to think about how his decisions affected a lot more people than just himself.  I doubt that will ever happen because I am not sure if he has or is capable of feelings, and I doubt that he would ever go out of his way to reconnect with me (more importantly when the time mattered to me - when I am happier than he is.  He'll know when that is; fate is funny like that). 

My favorite male celebrities

People are always asking what actors I think are good-looking, and I have a hard time with this, because I can't seem to ever remember, aside from George Clooney that is.  But there are other people that at times catch my eye.  The guys listed below are consistently good-looking in my eyes - in NO particular order whatsoever.  I didn't include the guys that are good looking in one movie but then not in the next...that just gets too confusing.

George Clooney
Ah, George Clooney has been on my list since I saw One Fine Day in 1997.  He has gotten even better looking as he is aging. I really love the way a guy looks around this time of their life.


source

Nathan Fillion
I started to watch Castle last year, and I think he can be quite adorable and charming. An 'average' guy.


source

Josh Radner
I've been watching How I Met Your Mother since it started, and I think Josh Radner is cute and has a witty personality...or maybe I like Ted; I don't really know much about Josh.


source

Mark Walburgh
Remember Marky Mark?  I don't so much.  Mark Walburgh first stood out to me in Rockstar, but I've seen him in other movies or even a 60 minutes episode about him and - as like George - the older he gets, the better looking he gets.

Matthew McConaughey
I'm not sure what I like about Matthew...maybe it is those piercing blue eyes? The smile? I normally think of him with medium length hair (with blond in it) but when I was searching for pictures to post - I found a few pictures with short hair..and at first I didn't even recognize him, he looks way more serious...but still good looking.


long hair

short hair

Richard Gere
Another 'classic'.  Richard Gere has a great smile and squinty eyes.

Hugh Grant

An unlikely choice...but when you see a good picture of Hugh, can you really say that he isn't somewhat cute?  Maybe in a class clown kind of way, but sometimes his looks combined with that accent is enough to make me say aahh.

Harrison Ford
When I think of Harrison, I think of a stereotypical American Man.  Man is the key word there - he seems like the kind of guy that would do all that hard house/yard work, have great sex, and hug you until you popped.  I think Harrison is very good looking, he has nice skin color, nice eyebrows, a good nose.  Good features and strong  name.

Michael Weatherly
NCIS is more fun after this guy grows on you.  He has a great smile, nice eyes, and seems so easy-going and relaxed.

John Stamos

Had a crush on him watching Full House - and he hasn't changed much since!  Great dark hair, nice eyebrows.

Matthew Fox

First time I saw him was on Party of Five.  Then there were a few other things - but LOST made it more clear that Matthew Fox is a hottie.  Love either his rugged look or his clean cut look.

Chris Noth

Big brown hair, thick eyebrows, dark eyes, sexy sly smile.

(star sighting:  2/19/2014...he looked much older in person, but still attractive)
(star sighting:  2/25/2014...he looked a little younger this week, still attractive)

Dennis Quaid
I kept going back and forth adding him.  But he is a cute everyday man. 

So what do all these guys have in common?   Who are some of your celebrity favorites?

...and yes, Brad Pitt is missing. I've never had a thing for him.

Saugerties Garlic Festival 2011

My first food festival was all the way back in September 2005 when I went to the Buffalo Wing Festival...which I loved. 

Buffalo Wing Festival September 2005

Since then I've had a desire to go to other festivals...but money and travel seem to be a bit of a problem for me these days.  Last October I found out about the Saugerties Garlic Festival, and as luck would have it...it had past.  Since I've been trying to do new things, I made sure I put this on my calendar a year ago so I wouldn't forget...and I didn't.  I convinced my sister to take the short trip up there with me.

Over the last few years, I've added more garlic to my cooking and decided I liked garlic now.  But I was not prepared for a festival-level of garlic.  I mean, I use the white ones in the grocery store; I never heard of the 67 or so varieties they had there! 

To be honest some of the smell at times was a little overwhelming.  My first sample was a garlic pickle  -which my sister & I loved. Yum, I love pickles. 

Next we browsed the booths trying to decide what Denise would try or buy.  Sister really doesn't like garlic.  I sampled a salsa that was good but it was still early and I wasn't ready to buy anything.  A while later there were a lot of people in one booth so I go in and buy a jar of recommended mango-tomato salsa and two garlic donuts - one sugar one not.  My sister and I split both donuts to try each.  She practically vomits, and I manage to eat 1/4 of each one - I liked the sugar one better, it helped deflect the garlic.  OK, so not the smartest choice.  I wasn't ready to try garlic ice cream; although if my brother-in-law went, we may have tried it.  Next I tried a few garlic-butter popcorn pieces, it was a little too much for me.  That sauce would have been amazing on pasta...but on pop-corn, I had a hard time and threw about my almost full container.  The garlic festival wasn't really working for me.

We continued to walk around and looked at all the vendors - we were surprised to see some garlic fudge or garlic smores among a few other rarities.  We picked up some of Gary's Pickles (these are a favorite from our Stormville Flea Market days) and headed out after being there about 90 minutes.

Oh, I forgot to mention that it was unbelievably humid and I had to take off my sweater, so I was walking around wearing a tight bright orange tank-top...not the best...but what choice did I have other than passing out?  Also, it rained a bunch the day/s before, so the place was very muddy.  On my way out driving through the mud I was sliding all over the place, and was really happy that I didn't get stuck!

garlic popcorn (the humidity was horrible)

salsa :)



the mud was crazy

Love is a two way street

Saturday evening I ended up helping a friend pack her stuff up out of her and her boyfriend's apartment - never an easy thing to do.  I needed to help her with this because I know how difficult it is, even though the circumstances are different and she was the one to decide it was over...it is still never easy to know that the last Xmonths will be a (bad) memory.

While she needed the support and someone to help not with the packing, but to keep her on track and to hug her when she broke down I needed to keep her focused on the future and take control...since I did it all wrong 5 years ago, and I didn't have someone to help guide me.  I needed to be that guide, that person to explain what feelings were coming, and to confirm what she was currently feeling and to cry with her (since these things always make my memories feel like they were yesterday) because I knew exactly what she was feeling and going through. 

She was very admirable during packing, refolding his clothes and putting his shoes on the shelf, vacuuming the floors, etc. I think she was still more or less in shock until we were all done and the boxes were piled and she was left alone to think.

She of course feels like she didn't try enough - but she did, everyone knows that except for her.  Well, really, except for anyone that is going through this. Even I thought I didn't try enough...but I did.  It is the other person who is a coward that either wants to have 'that talk' via text message, cheats but strings you along because they are too much of a wimp to breakup with you, would rather pet sit then come home knowing you were packing up but say that it is a mistake, etc.  It's never like someone packs up their stuff and breaks up over one little instance.  When you are in love and when you live with someone, the decision is really hard to stay or to leave; a lot of thought was put in, and you tried to convey to the other person how unhappy you are...that you want to be happier...can you work it out? Can you spend some alone time together? It isn't asking a lot.  It isn't that you are asking for big changes.  You are willing to forgive and forget - provided you see that he understands why you are upset and explains why you shouldn't be insecure/upset about it.  You just need to know that they want what you want too and you want to be happy with them, more than anything.  You might get on their nerves because they aren't on the same page as you, but they don't say anything...and you turn out to be a  'psycho' when it all could have been avoided.  You may have already given an ultimatum which you didn't follow through with because you are hopeful that the one threat would make them realize how great the two of  you are together...and work it out.  Unfortunately, a lot of people would rather give up than try...it is sad & I am glad I am not one of them.

So then why is he in 'shock' that you are leaving?  You told him, there were signs, and he eventually took you for granted.  He didn't think you'd be courageous enough to leave; because he wasn't.  So maybe it did shock him a little...that you were more courageous than he gave you credit for.  So why then, when it is essentially your decision, are you the one that hurts more?  Because he kept ignoring you that there was an issue and that could be because he was already checked out. 

I thought it was a good thing on Saturday that my friends boyfriend (or ex) was not there. It was just the two of us.  We were able to concentrate and were efficient in getting what we needed done.  When I packed up some of my stuff day #2 (I made a rash decision one day, in shock really when I discovered what I did - and didn't really think the whole moving out.breakup thing) and SI was there...he'd keep saying things like he loved me, we went out to dinner, we had sex but yet...he HELPED me pack.  What kind of mixed message is that?  I love you so  much baby...but you can't get out of here fast enough [so my mistress can move in].  I am really glad that my friend didn't have to deal with that; but she was already beating herself up because their last words were via text and he didn't fight for her to stay. 

I am not really sure what the point of this post is.  So, I guess...if you are going to break up with someone and if you live together, when you move out it is best that your other is not there.  Also, don't continue to talk to them for Xmonths/years buying their lies that they want you to move back home after you leave.  Sure, this does work out for some people...and if you are both good people and BOTH parties are willing to do what it takes, then go for it.  If there is nothing I believe more it is that love is huge and important and you don't give up on it easily when you know someone is that special to you.  But if you feel that you aren't being treated right (physically or emotionally) then you probably aren't.  If the person can't do a few easy little things to reassure to you that you  have nothing to worry about, then that person is still lying to you. You can love someone unconditionally, but if they don't love you back, the relationship can not work.  Love is a two way street - and it really sucks when you are stuck on a one-way love street.

Beef Barley Soup & Sesame Ginger Slow-Cooker Chicken

Beef Barley Soup
I had beef barley soup once a few years ago, so I decided to make it this week's soup. I had a bag of barley in my cabinet for about a year because I wanted to try new things...I just never got around to it.  Since I didn't have a lot of experience with this soup, I had a hard time finding one to try, since I can't really compare it.

I found this recipe here. I liked that it was a testimonial from a regular person - as opposed to a chef, what I didn't like, is that it says approximately, about, 4-5, etc. I like exact; but I decided to try it anyway.

It was simple to prepare - browning the beef, cutting the veggies and measuring the liquids.  I liked that the recipe had time in between to prepare for the next step (like cutting the vegetables when the wine was reducing).  The only downfall I found was that my barely did not become tender in the 45 minutes, I had to put it back on for about 20 more minutes.

2 LB Stew Beef   $7.91
4 ribs Celery        $0.60
1 med. Onion       $0.16
5 Carrots             $1.20       
4 cloves Garlic     $?   from a jar
1/3 cup Parsley    $0.65
1 Tb Rosemary    $ 0.83
1 cup Red Wine  $2.74
2 (14.5oz) cans Beef broth   $2.00
1 cup Pearled Barley           $1.10  (mine wasn't pearled)
3 TB Vegetable Oil             $0.30
Salt/Pepper

Total $17.49 so that would be about $3.50 per serving, assuming 5 servings.

Essentially, all you do is cut up the beef in bite sized pieces, throw that into a pot with oil.  Add salt & pepper to it.  Brown.  Then add the onion, garlic, rosemary and parsley. Stir.  Add red wine and stir, scraping the bottom of pot.  Reduce wine by half (I am not sure I think I waited about 15 minutes or so - I forgot to look to see how high it was).  Add carrots and celery. Add beef stock - I used 1 1/2 cans (used the other half later - so I guess 2+ cans would have been fine now, I guess it depends on how many/big your vegetables are - you need enough to cover the top).   Bring to a boil and then a low simmer for 55 minutes. 
Add barley to pot, and more broth if needed.  Simmer additional 45 minutes or until barley is tender.
Because I had to low boil the barley an additional 20 minutes (and my barley was still a little crunchy) more of the broth evaporated, so I added water to the pot.  The beef was as tender as could be (I also used top round London broil) and the carrots/celery had a good taste.  Like all grains - I had to add more water before I heat it up for lunch because the broth got absorbed.  Overall I liked it, and would make again.

Sesame Ginger Slow-Cooker Chicken


When I found this recipe (click link above from where I found it) I was drawn to it immediately because it isn't your 'typical' slow-cooker food.  Also, since I used boneless chicken thighs last week - I thought it was easy - my problem was this week they weren't on sale and they were filled with fat...I don't mind cutting up chicken, but there is only so much fat cutting/pulling I could handle-It would have been easier to use boneless breasts but that might now be my own personal preference for non-boned chicken.

2 LBs boneless, skinless chicken thighs   $8.20

1 bag (16 oz) ready-to-eat baby carrots $1.89
2 Tbsp grated fresh ginger root               $0.32           
1/2 cup chicken broth                             $0.50
1/4 cup honey                                        $0.73
2 tsp sesame oil                                      $0.60
1 tsp dried minced garlic                        I didn't have this.
1/4 cup soy sauce                                  $0.53
3 Tbsp cold water                                 free from tap
3 Tbsp corn starch                                $0.12
1 Tbsp sesame seed, toasted                 $0.23
2 green onions, sliced with tops             I didn't use

Total $13.12 so that is about $3.28 per serving, assuming 4 servings

After a ton of fat cutting from my chicken, I think I ended up with maybe only a little over 1 pound of chicken.  Anyway, add the chicken to the slow cooker that is sprayed with cooking spray.  Top the chicken with carrots and ginger.  In a separate bowl, combine the broth, honey, sesame oil and garlic; mix then pour on top of chicken.  Slow cook for 7 hours on low. 

When the chicken is ready, use a slotted spoon to remove chicken and carrots and put in covered serving dish while you are preparing the next part.  Strain the cooking liquid and and to pot.  In small bowl combine water, corn starch, and soy sauce; pour this liquid into the pot and cook on high until it starts to bubble.  Pour liquid over chicken and carrots and put the sesame seeds on top.  Serve with rice.

My thoughts? Making the sauce at the end was neat so see how thick and dark it got...with a good taste.  I heated up some rice (since I made it hours before) and put a few carrots and chicken on top.  My first bite tasted a bit, I don't know, burnt? I think it was from my toasted seasame seeds (I never toasted them before, I may have over done it) BUT the chicken and carrots were as tender as could be.   I am going to say this recipe will make it into my collection - I would make it again.  HOWEVER...it is best when 'fresh' as in eat it when it's ready.  It heated OK on the stove, but it just wasn't as good.

Hey guys...so yeah, lesson learned about not blogging when you are drunk (second to last paragraph from this morning's post - the other part was written earlier in the day yesterday).

Also, I need to remember that I should eat when I drink.  I normally don't because I don't want to have to drink 10 drinks to get drunk.  Saves money with not buying food & not buying extra drinks.

I'm calling it quits...

....No, not with my job yet...but thank you for thinking of that right away! 

I am calling it quits with Cop#1.  This should have been done three years and nine months ago, after my first mistake.  I was still talking to SI and I had hoped he would have been furious about this and won me back; he did not.  Instead, on rare occasion, I have been a very bad person and allowed this to continue.  The good news is that I have zero emotional feelings towards Cop#1...I just found him sexy and I liked his penis a lot.  He turned me on in a matter of seconds and he is the only person I have sent inappropraite photos to aside from the at-the-time-boyfriend.  It was always just a very physical 'relationship' (I use that term very lightly) and it never had any chance of going anywhere.

While we were chatting, he told me that I could replace him so quickly...and that got me thinking - how do you replace a casual sex participant?  Do I go into a bar, get a little tipsy and just announce that I am looking for someone to semi-regularly boink me?  I don't even want to know the creeps I'd get.  Or for that matter any kind of diseases.  I like to 'play it safe' and not sleep around.  So I guess I'll be taking another long sex-sabbatical.  Have pity & say a prayer for me.

In August I was at this picnic with my family - and I was getting a bit tipsy and was talking to Doofy about the possibility of getting laid that night...my sisters stormed off like I embarrassed them.  Somehow I became my family's slut...and the best part is - my number is crazy low for my age AND I don't sleep around.  The problem of course is that all the coupled people don't understand that a single person still needs sex - if I had someone to regularly do it with (a boyfriend) then I wouldn't need to find these other placeholders (well, they aren't people I like - on the off chance that I met someone I do, it is easy to end it with them) that I don't date, just sleep with when the need arises.

Seriously, what the f*uck has happened to my life?  I have such a hard time imagining that 7-9 years ago I was on top of the world.  I don't know why I haven't been able to have a 'normal' life since then - everyone else seems to have one - even the a*sholes that screwed me over.  Sure, I've traveled a little, I have my own place, etc but that isn't enough for me.  I AM open to it, I am not still waiting on a miracle that won't come, all I need is a decent single person to come around and say "hi" and be a little persistent when I have a hard time making conversation because I am new at it. That is all it would take...a "Hello" and then a decent conversation and next thing I know I'll be married running after my little boy & girl.

So I got a little drunk tonight...9 drinks or so...and Doofy wouldn't even have sex with me, instead he made me cry.   What is wrong with me?  I want to have sex without feelings and one guy comes along and argues with me that I need to have feelings...and on top of that Bank Boy was all up my butt tonight about why I never gave him a chance to date me...that he would LOVE to get dinner or drinks or see a movie with me.  obviously I can't date bank boy.  Even Doofy seemed like a guy I could get laid to take out my work frustrations, but that failed miserably, instead, I am left alone with with tears in my eyes thinking what I did wrong.   Don't guys want casual sex?  If  I can't succeed in that ... what kind of hope do I have for the future? Damn you SI...you are ruining everything - you were supposed to be the last person I had sex with. even the guy I pegged to just want to have sex isn't willing to do it.  Am I not willing to open up and have feeling because deep down I am afraid that I will never have a connection like that? I am afraid to fall for the wrong guy?  I don't know what is wrong with me and now I feel worse about myself than I did 12 hours ago.  The good thing is that Doofy says it like it is and he brought up some great points...but after a year, we still can't have sex...that isn't a good sign.  Why do I need to be drunk - HSK was the last guy I was able to do it sober with...and it was quite amazing and I did it with Cop#1 sober or with 2 drinks...nothing drunk crazy...so what IS my problem?  Is it me? is it him? is it the whole circumstances? I don't know.

I just want love..and in the mean time...this pursuing other options isn't really working for me- I might just have to give up until I meet my fh.

:( crazily frustrated

@noreply

Hey, do any of my readers with their own blogs know why when people leave a comment - it is now shown in my email as @noreply?  This makes it impossible for me to acknowledge my readers. I really liked it when I was able to email them back...so please help!

And until then...for those that do leave comments...I see them, I just can't reply - not because I don't want to.

Thanks!

hot pink

In the sea of commuter neutrals, I am walking to work in a hot pink fleece.

Funny thing about that?  I was never a pink person.  One of the first times I wore pink was when I participated in a breast cancer walk 4 years ago.  The realization that morning when I was trying to select something pink was astonishment that I only had ONE pink item...a short sleeve polo shirt that SI's parents gave to me one Christmas (with a bunch of other stuff). 

In the last two years I decided I wanted to expand my wardrobe colors...so it wasn't all black, purple, maroon and brown.   Little by little I started to add colors.  Green, blue, gold, red, white and a little pink.  I have about 5 tops that are bright pink...and I have to say, I actually like them.  Maybe not so much the color itself, but I like the way my dark hair goes with it; I feel like it looks a little more eye-popping than a basic color.

Over the summer Underarmour was having a sale and since I hope my fh is a little 'active' in the outdoors, I picked up two tank tops, one leggings, and three fleeces.  The half zip fleece is a nice purple, and the full zip fleece is hot pink (they call it something else).  It is great for this time of year when it is a little chilly and you are still wearing short sleeves.  In fact, it works so well, I get a little hot with it on.

So on my third day of walking to work wearing this fleece, I am stuck wondering...why am I so different from all the other commuters?  Do I want to stand out?  After all, I am a Leo...so standing out could be a possibility.  People notice different - and maybe deep down in my subconscious, I want to be seen and even approached by a decent looking guy.   I am not saying this hot pink fleece will lead me to my fh...but one can dream right?

The hiccup cure

I have it - the hiccup cure.  I have been debating whether or not to share it for the last few months since it is great to hear someone who can't get rid of those annoying little noises while sitting there silently laughing that they can't stop it & you can.  I was once there, annoyed and shocked with how long the hiccups could go on for.

Hiccups are caused by a brief, involuntary twitter of the diaphragm that repeats several times per minute - which causes the air that gets quickly sucked in to the lungs to make the vocal cords close - creating the 'hic' sound (wikipedia). [usually from stretching of the stomach after eating/drinking, sudden emotional excitement, sudden change of air temperature, very hot/cold food or beverage, alcohol or excess smoking, heartburn]

Eventually the hiccups will go away...but just how long are you willing to wait with out getting annoyed?

Which of the following home remedies have you tried?

• quickly drinking water in short bursts
• lean the head down and take sips of water
• sitting down taking slow deep breaths
• sucking on a spoonful of sugar
• hold your breath until the next hiccup
• drinking a quarter cup of pickle juice
• chew up and swallow one marshmallow
• have someone stare into your eyes for 15-30 seconds while their hands are on both of your cheeks
• pinch the upper part of your lip with two fingers for 20 seconds
• sit in a chair with your head in your lap breathing slowly
• breathe into a paper bag
• have someone scare you

Many of those do not work for me, but since everyone is a bit different -- they can work for some people.  What does work for me......is......eating a spoonful of peanut butter.  

I swear this works for me.  I've had the hiccups about 4 times in the last 3 months - and once I started trying this - the hiccups went away.   Of course I thought it was coincidence at first, so I tried it again and again and again.  All with the same result.  I couldn't be happier because I love peanut butter.

If you try this - and it works for you - please post below and let me know!

Chicken Tomatillo Chili & Crockpot Chicken

I've been in such a food rut lately.  Since February I've more or less eaten either egg whites or oatmeal for breakfast, am snack is usually yogurt or a Cliff bar, lunch 2 cups lettuce/spinach with grilled chicken with cheese and/or some other toppings and dinner has been really bad - whatever I have in the house - which is sometimes nothing (cereal or pasta) or leftovers or more grilled chicken.

Part of my goals was to get back into cooking, but it is really hard to want to cook for one.  I usually go shopping on Sunday (if I go at all...that's have bad I've been) and then spend the next few hours cooking the chicken, cleaning and chopping the fruits and vegetables and making whatever I will be eating for the week.  I like this arrangement because when I am busy during the week, everything is made - it just needs to be heated up or pulled out of the fridge. 

So I've decided to make at least one NEW thing every week...so I am not always making things I normally make...this should help me get back into cooking and it will help with my food rut.

Today I decided to make Chicken Tomatillo Chili and Scrumptious Slow Cooker Chicken both I found on the Internet.  They were both very easy to make.  I went to ShopRite for most of my ingredients but stopped at Stop & Shop for the chicken and then I had to run to A/P when I realized I bought the wrong canned peppers. I included my prices for the ingredients.

The Chicken Tomatillo Chili

1 can(s) (11-ounce) tomatillos (or 7 or 8 fresh tomatillos husks removed), quartered  $3.99 (I used half - so really it was about $2)
1 jalapeno pepper, halved and seeded   $0.16
2 tablespoon(s) vegetable oil - I forgot to use this
2 pound(s) boneless, skinless chicken thighs, cut into 1-inch pieces. I used three chicken breasts - $7.34
1 medium (about 1 cup) onion, chopped   $0.16 (bag of onions on sale at 0.98 and there were 6 onions in the bag)
3 clove(s) garlic, minced - I used from the jar I had - but it would be just a few cents
2 can(s) (4 1/2-ounce) diced green chilies   $2.46
2 teaspoon(s) ground cumin      - i used what I had, but it would be a few cents
1 teaspoon(s) ground coriander  - i used what I had, but it would be a few cents

2 can(s) (14 1/2-ounce) low-sodium chicken broth    $3.99 (but I had 2 cups left over - so really it was about $2)
1/2 cup(s) chopped fresh cilantro - I didn't use this
1 teaspoon(s) salt  - I didn't use this
Tortilla chips or strips (optional) - I made this. I cut 2 flour tortillas up and baked them for a few minutes. I had the tortillas already, I am guessing this would be $0.50

This was about $15 for 5 servings is $2.924 each.  I had this after is was made and I liked it. It had a nice little kick to it.  I think next time I'd leave the seeds in the jalapenos because I think that makes it a little spicier? 

Scrumptious Slow Cooker Chicken
2.5 lbs boneless, skinless chicken thighs   $6.49

3 parsnips (I only used one because I never had a parsnip before and was unsure what it would be like) $1.32
3 carrots  $0.72
4 celery stalks    $0.75
1 red onion  $0.82
10-12 whole garlic cloves   $0.52
¼ cup coconut oil - i used a little olive instead not sure how much maybe $0.35 worth?
1 cup chicken broth  $1  
1 tablespoon dried thyme  - used what I had, so a few cents
1 tablespoon rubbed sage - I didn't use this, forgot I didn't have sage in the cabinet
Sea salt and black pepper to taste

This came to about $12 for maybe 4-6 servings.  I haven't tried it yet, but it smelled really good.

Then of course I have my cut lettuce all ready and I made blueberry muffins also.

Mad love within Cutting for Stone

I believe in fate...but I've always worried that when fate kicks in somehow I'd get screwed.  Kind of like Alanis Morissette's "Ironic" lyrics.  I worry that when I finally find love something will go wrong & I'll only experience it for a short amount of time.  A tease.

I just finished reading Cutting for Stone by Abraham Verghese.  I enjoyed this 600+ page book.  SPOILER ALERT for anyone planning on reading it.  It took me a while to get past page 10, but once I did, the book was well written and kept me going with new things happening over the course of some one's life.  While there are many things that I can talk about, the story has so many layers of interesting things - I am choosing to write about the main character's love for a girl - since that is something I can relate to.

Growing up, Marion loves Genet - a neighbor who at times is more like a sister - and expected to marry her and love her forever.  As they reach adolescence, Genet becomes more curious about sex and wants to loose her virginity but Marion says not until they are married (what a gentleman!).  So what does Genet do?  She sleeps with Marion's twin brother!  A few other things happen...Genet screws Marion over again.  All this while Marion has a love-hate feelings for Genet (and his brother).  When she shows up at his door much later on - what happens? He takes her in - he finally has sex with her - in a demeaning kind of way at first (also looses his virginity to her - as he always promised). She stays for 3 days I think and leaves.  Six weeks later Marion is close to death from Hepatitis B that he contracted from Genet.  On his death bed, his twin who he still had ill feelings towards decides to help save Marion by offering part of his liver - it works, it saves Marion, but a week later his twin died.

Marion was a stand-up man and had a lot going for him.  He feel in love with the wrong girl that ultimately affected the rest of his life.  Just as something good happened, something bad also happened.  You sit there reading wondering if Marion can overcome these hurdles.  Why is fate so crazy?  

I was able to relate to having the love of your life show up and not knowing what to do (not that it has happened, but it is one of those things you always think about).  After so much time has past - do you forgive them or continue to harbour ill feelings?  Marion handled it close to what I would have done, no doubt about that.  When someone you once loved comes to you in need - you help them regardless.  Towards the end of the book Marion said "I wasn't angry with Genet.  She was consistent, if nothing else.  I was angry with myself because I always loved her, or at least I loved that dream of our togetherness.  My feelings were unreasonable, irrational and I couldn't change them. That hurt."

How perfect is that statement? That summarizes everything I have thought about SI.  I have felt that people don't understand my way of thinking or understand the kind of hurt.  While this is a work of fiction - I feel that Abraham Verghese was able to capture that emotion that I can relate to while so many others have not.  To me SI wasn't just some chap I dated; but to find the words, if any exist, to convey my feelings is difficult. 

what comes first - a job or a move?

I am having my own version of which came first the chicken or the egg?  But instead of poultry, I am wondering about moving and jobs. 

No secret I am unhappy in my place of employment.  I look at jobs but am I being too picky? Can you be too picky about something you spend so much of your time at?  You have to enjoy it a little or at least be content otherwise that unhappiness drips into your personal life...which is happening to me now. That feeling is not good and needs to change.

So I keep wondering...do I find a new job and then move...or do I take a huge risk and move without something lined up and then look for a job?  That is not only risky...but I wouldn't know anyone.  Not that I have very many friends here - I seem to be busy a lot...and I don't really know with what.  What should I do first?

Within that question also comes my love life.  Sure it is still non-existent now, but I don't know what fate has in store for me.  What if I decide to move and then I change my fate of meeting someone here?  What if I move and then I don't meet my fh for another 10 years or so?  What if I stay here and then I miss my fh?  I know it is fate-and that it will happen, but I am still not convinced...I feel like I am the only single-decent looking-nice-not a lot of baggage anymore-who wants love & a family- person...I don't know why people are repelled by me.  I really wish that I had my fh now so then we can move together and start our family somewhere more wonderful (affordable) than the suburbs of NYC - unless he is rich.

My sister sent me a link to find your best place to live over at Sperling's.  Check out the link to take their quiz.  They also have links to articles about best places to live...like CNN Money's - which this year my town made it on.

So I took the test last night and San Francisco came up as my #1, Boston was #3, NYC was my #4, Newark NJ was #6...like I'd ever want to live there!....I guess I like things close by.   But the thing is, in reality, while I am living in it...I don't. I can't stand crowds or tourists.  So I retook the quiz and adjusted a few small answers....what did I get this time?

1 . San Francisco , CA (see San Francisco, CA)

Econ.: C, Housing: C, Educ.: A-, Health: A Crime: C+, Recr.: A+, Culture: A+, Trans.: A+

2 . Boston , MA-NH-ME (see Boston, MA)
Econ.: C+, Housing: C, Educ.: A, Health: A Crime: B, Recr.: A+, Culture: A+, Trans.: A+

3 . Washington , DC-MD-VA-WV (see Washington, DC)
Econ.: C, Housing: C+, Educ.: A, Health: A Crime: C+, Recr.: A+, Culture: A+, Trans.: A+

4 . Los Angeles-Long Beach , CA (see Los Angeles, CA)
Econ.: C, Housing: C+, Educ.: B, Health: B Crime: C+, Recr.: A+, Culture: A+, Trans.: A+

5 . Seattle-Bellevue-Everett , WA (see Seattle, WA)
Econ.: B, Housing: C+, Educ.: B-, Health: B+ Crime: C, Recr.: A+, Culture: A+, Trans.: A+

6 . New York , NY (see New York, NY)
Econ.: C-, Housing: C, Educ.: B+, Health: B+ Crime: C+, Recr.: A+, Culture: A+, Trans.: A+

7 . Long Island , NY (see Long Island, NY)
Econ.: C, Housing: C, Educ.: A, Health: A- Crime: A+, Recr.: A+, Culture: A+, Trans.: B+

8 . San Jose , CA (see San Jose, CA) 
Econ.: C, Housing: C, Educ.: B+, Health: B Crime: B, Recr.: A+, Culture: A+, Trans.: B+

9 . Minneapolis-St. Paul , MN-WI (see Minneapolis, MN)
Econ.: B, Housing: C+, Educ.: A-, Health: A- Crime: C+, Recr.: A+, Culture: A+, Trans.: A

10 . Denver , CO (see Denver, CO)
Econ.: B-, Housing: B-, Educ.: B-, Health: B+ Crime: B-, Recr.: A+, Culture: A+, Trans.: A+

#11 - 25:   Oakland CA, Chicago IL, Newark NJ, San Diego CA, Stamford-Norwalk CT, Bergen-Passaic NJ, Pittsburgh PA, Monmouth-Ocean NJ, Middlesex-Somerset-Hunterdon NJ, Baltimore MD, Philadelphia PA, Trenton NJ, Dallas TX, Danbury CT, Boulder-Longmont CO,


Not much different...the only thing that changed was the order of the cities.  A bit frustrating.  Maybe I am a city girl after all?  NO--> As it turns out the very LAST question asked about population.  Get rid of the over one million and the results do change a bit...instead of large cities (like above) they have smaller cities/towns.   It was funny to read that #8 on my list was Dutchess County (where I grew up)!  

Anyway...I am just so confused and I don't know what to do.  Maybe I want to change too much at once so then I don't change anything at all and I am stuck in the horrible rut.  Figures, I finally feel more confident in me as a person...but yet everything else just sucks.

Random Thoughts #1

Random Thoughts

• I attempted to donate blood again today.  Unfortunately once they got the needle in, my fingers went numb, so they had to move the needle around and then I guess they punctured the vein because they wouldn't let me donate since blood already touched the bag. Instead of them dotting on me from passing out, they sent me away with an ice bag and a bruise. Oh well, I tried.  But I did sign up for organ donation through the new NYS Donate Life program.  This registry gives your consent to donate organs...and you even get a chance to state which you want to donate and which you don't want to. 
• I watched The Bachelor Pad finale last night parts of it definitely annoyed me.  I didn't get to bed until about midnight, and then I barely slept, having nightmares of boyfriend past.  ugh.
• I have been speaking out at work about some 'issues' and today...well, today they decided to 'fix' some things and it wasn't quite what I thought they'd do - it is amazing how different people think & the work flow does not seem logical; I don't get it.  I think a few people will definitely not like me - but whatever, I am not there to be liked anyway.
• I really need to up my job search (but yet, here I am blogging instead).  I am thinking a school crossing guard might work out for a while!  Well, no, seriously that isn't enough money for me to get by on.  I've thought about quitting and selling my apartment and living with my parents...but who wants to live with parents twice in their adulthood?  What kind of guy would date me if I lived with my parents? 
• I love sweet potatoes that cook in the oven. 
• I am returning that phone that I posted about the other day. Hated it.
• I can't wait until the new TV shows start next week
• I want a guy to hang out with. I am really starting to miss kissing.
• I am not sure I am liking my bangs this time around
• I've adjusted quite nicely to reading on the Nook, but I still read 'regular' books when I can't get one for free
• I tried unsweetened vanilla almond milk; I am quite surprised with how good it was.  I haven't had cereal since February, but in the last 7 days, I have had cereal for dinner 4 times. 
• I haven't slept through the night in months.   
• I feel like sometimes I have a ton to say, and when I log in, I draw a huge blank or hate what I write...so I am really sorry if this is becoming boring.
• I feel like I am falling back into a funk.  My mood from 2 months ago is so different from now.  I am constantly annoyed.  I hate this feeling; I want to be happy again.  Please tell me there is an end to some of the crazy madness I've been involved in.
• I think I need to go back to the tea leaf reader just to be sure my fate didn't change or that it is consistent with the last reading.
• Why isn't my spell check working? 

Bike Vermont...Reminiscing from 2004

Yesterday I went for another 14 mile bike ride on the Bronx River Parkway.  I finally got around to changing my mountain bike tires for street tires, and biking on the pavement was a bit easier.  As I was riding, I was remembering back to when I first bought my bike, almost 9 years ago...and how this was probably the 10th time I've used it outdoors. 

My first bike excursion as an adult was to participate in a Bike Vermont weekend that included two days of riding through the local towns.  It was amazing: the vastness, animals, farms, fresh air...all of it.  It was so beautiful and it should have been relaxing if you were in bike shape (which I was not.)  There were big hills so I had to really push myself or walk my bike up...but I didn't give up and catch a ride back, we were just the last to arrive anywhere.

before I left...I was so excited...not realizing how challenging it would be

notice the matching his/hers matching bikes? Yeah, I was in that kind of a relationship

exhausted...but I still have a smile on my face

While riding along the beautiful landscape we stopped in towns for lunch, or to sample/buy cheese and maple syrup.  We went through some covered bridges, one of which was the Bartonsville Bridge that collapsed during Hurricane Irene a few weeks ago.

So that was Vermont back in 2004ish.  Now in 2011, I only rode the bike a few times, so even though it was relatively flat, it was still a bit challenging for me up two small hills.  Additionally, while I can tolerate a little butt soreness...my knees really ache after a while.  But I felt great afterwards and hope I continue to ride once in a while.  My issue is while biking is a solitary sport, it is more fun do go with someone...but then I have trouble keeping up with them.

I hope my fh will push me to do these fun kinds of outdoor activities with him.

Ten Year Anniversary of September 11, 2001

Everyone will remember where they were on Tuesday September 11, 2001 around 8:45 am.   Me? I took a summer real estate class at the local community college and was going into NYC to sit for my Realtor exam which was downtown near the trade center.  When I got out of the subway, I heard people running into the Fulton Street subway station yelling "FUEGO". I knew my elementary Spanish well enough to know that meant "FIRE".  I didn't see a fire - so I kept going, I exited and looked around.  There were a lot of people, but then again it was almost rush hour.  I located my building and was surprised to see there was no line - the instructor told us to get there early since the tests fill up quickly.  Not only was there no line, but no one was in the lobby.  Determined to take the test, I proceeded up to the 5th floor and took a seat in the virtually empty room.  One or two people arrived after I did...again I realized it was strange, where was everyone?  There were about 4 other people in there with me when someone came in and announced that the building was evacuated and that we had to leave...and that there would be no testing that day.  Disappointed, I left the building and headed back to the subway.  On my way, I noticed a lot of people standing around looking up, so I look up also.  I see one of the trade centers was on fire...Oh, that must have been what the guy in the subway was talking about.  I stood there and watched about 5 floors glow red/orange as the smoke was coming out of the building.  I remembered to a time I worked on the 93rd floor doing temp work just 3 years before.  I thought "that will be a tough fire to extinguish...I wonder how they will do that when fire truck ladders don't go up that high".  Then I see something I will never forget - a person jumping from a window.   Knowing they are jumping to their death, I had to consider what is worse - jumping out of a window or being inside suffocating from the smoke and maybe catching on fire.  My heart ached for that person, knowing that they knew they were going to die either way.  I tried to call cop#1 who was a recent NYC policeman to tell him he was going to have a pretty shitty & long day.  The phone lines were crazy busy so it took a while before I was able to leave him that message.  I couldn't keep watching, so I go down the subway and get on the next train to my college.  On the subway ride, people are talking - there was an engineer who helped build the twin towers that was telling us that the building was going to collapse, that it wasn't built to withstand that kind of internal stress.  I didn't realize it at the time, but they ended up closing the subways right after I got on one.



source



I went to school and sat through my first class of the day.  Right before the class was dismissed the PA system informed us of terrorist activity and that the school would be closing and everyone needed to leave.  I didn't know what to do...the trains stopped running, I was stuck in Manhattan.  My sister worked in Herald Square so I walked 25 blocks and 3 avenues to get to her job.  The streets were eerie...there were no cars and people were walking the streets.  I still had no idea what was going on, but knew something terrible happened.  On my walk downtown, I passed through Times Square where the big TVs were filled with the morning news...planes crashed into the Twin Towers, the pentagon and in Pennsylvania. I couldn't believe it. 



When I arrived at my sister's job everyone was scared. Some of their offices had views of the trade center and a few saw it collapse. You were still able to see the dust rising.  It was the most unreal feeling I have ever felt.  The phone lines continued to be next to impossible to get through with all people calling everyone else to see if they were OK.  We stayed at the office for a few hours waiting for the trains to resume, no one getting any work done, everyone talking about what was happening, people wondering if that building would be evacuated since they were close to the Empire State Building and if other attacks would happen.  The trains would resume and then be suspended again for bomb threats.  We finally left and was able to get on a train out of Manhattan - the trains were packed, as to be expected with more people getting on at  125th street that there wasn't enough room for everyone.  Of course we heard stories of all the people that walked home and we would have too just to get off of Manhattan.



When I made it home, I was stuck to the television.  I needed to know more. I was there and I felt like I didn't know anything because before all this technology - when you are right there you really had no clue unless you saw it happen.  I was traumatized and in a trace for a few days. 

There are so many stories like mine and of course there are all the other worse stories out there.  I can't imagine how hard that day was for all the families that were directly involved and all our public servants that worked their asses off during the rescue, recovery and cleanup.

My heart goes out to all the families and friends of those whose lives were lost that day and my gratitude for all those who helped (worked or volunteered) during that long and agonizing process. 

UPDATE Day 09 - someone you didn't want to let go, but just drifted

I was very nervous about meeting up with T.  I haven't seen her in about 4 years and not much about me has changed.  Isn't that always the worst? Seeing someone after so long and you can't really say a lot of amazing things about what you've been up to? How does that phrase go? Same thing different day?  I am stuck on this cycle.  Not a great re-first impression; although I wasn't planning on saying much about me anyway.

I tend to hold a grudge (well, with everyone except SI) and I am stubborn.  I knew going into this 'meeting' that I would be uncomfortable, but I have this thing I am working on...doing things out of my comfort zone...and this, well, it met my quota for the  month.  I was also a bit nervous about what I'd look like to someone after so much time has lapsed.  I was putting some thought into my outfit so I'd look thinner & professional (maybe just as much effort as a date) and worry that my hair will be unruly in the rain.

What if T ran over and gave me a huge hug?  What if she asks me about all the dating I've done (I can count my dates on my two hands), What if there is nothing to talk about?

I get to the bar about 45 minutes before her and down a beer to help unnerve me. She walks in and I don't stand up to greet her, but we hug very slightly.  One of the first things we talk about is my lack of enthusiasm to seeing her...so I was very honest with her about my hesitations.  Our catching up was slow.  She filled me on her divorce - that it was because (and she claims no one really knows the truth) that she fell in love with someone else when she was married and has been dating him for a year and are thinking about moving in together. She asked me a little about SI, since that is the last she knew...and unfortunately I teared up a little explaining things - I was unprepared for that. Oh, and her friend was going to meet us at the bar at 7pm.

So I have problems with two things.  First, I was shocked she invited someone else she was friends with when she hasn't seen me in so long.  I'd have preferred if she was like, 'I gotta go at 7'.  Turns out the friend was really nice and I talked with her a lot, but that also meant that I wasn't speaking to T, defeating the whole purpose of trying to decide if we were supposed to be friends or not.

Second, and this wasn't about her so much, but I don't understand why these kinds of people find love so easily.  She has never really been that single, maybe when we were 21.  But she kept bouncing around with guys.  So then she gets 'lucky' and gets married then while married finds love with a co-worker best friend?  So not only is she like SI where she doesn't understand how hard a breakup could be for someone that is madly in love with someone else, she is also happy.  I lost years of my life because I was sad and depressed...and she was over her husband before he moved out.  So now she'll probably have a second wedding...and I haven't even come close to finding someone to date me (and it is not like I am ugly or deformed).

Why I am so different?  Is it because I am no longer needy?  I am a somewhat self-sufficient, independent woman that isn't unattractive, so people just pass me by.  I want love too. 

Will I see T again? I am not opposed to it.

Denise vs a new phone

It isn't a secret that I am not tech savvy.  I used to rely on past bf to take care of my computer issues, cell phone, printers, camera, TVs, etc.  I always appreciated his help in those areas because it is something I don't tend to grasp - but then I can't be good at everything right?  And what better thing to rely on a guy for? Guys need to feel needed.

Now that I don't have a guy in my life...I am stuck doing all this by myself and it isn't easy.  I have three printers at home that I can't seem to get to connect to my laptop...well 2, I haven't actually tried the third one yet.  I take pictures with my camera on auto - and don't know how to photoshop them to make them better (maybe one day I'll learn), add to that that my microwave's been dead 18 months and my ice maker still has a leak in it...I am quite helpless in those areas.   I recently got a new phone; it still isn't fancy - I haven't converted to a smart phone yet - I mean, do I need to waste my money and time playing with those apps when I could be reading or studying photoshop?  But they don't really make nice simple phones anymore, so I got a half touch screen with a slide out keyboard.  I've only been playing with it for a little while, but it's hard.  The touch screen is weird, I can't figure out how get into my voicemail (with a password - so I want to get in and get rid of the password, not like I get steamy messages anyway or have something to hide), and sending a text seems difficult. Time will make me a pro...I know.

When I get home later, I will read the manual.  I tend to do that. Call me a geek if you must, but I think it is important to read those things so you know how to use it and what it is capable of.  When I am asking for help later, I don't want to look like a complete idiot so that general information will come in handy.

Can you be friends with someone that de-friended you?

A few weeks ago I posted a quick question on this...but here is why:

In October I posted about my friend T here.

It took me four months to respond to T regarding her email in October.  Not maliciously waiting so long, but honestly I didn't know what to say as it caught me off guard.  Was I ready to see or talk to someone again? I wasn't and until I decided, I couldn't respond.  When I did, it was short and told her I couldn't commit to catching up within the next four months since I was busy; I didn't hear back from her until two week ago.

Part of not wanting to hear from someone after so much time is that you worry that they will tell you things you don't want to hear...such as gotten married, had children, traveled the world, etc...when your life has been on hold for 5 years.  Also they were not supportive of you when you went through something so traumatic so what kind of friend were they really?

But you also have to wonder...after all this time why are they reaching out NOW? 

I dreaded opening the email.  But when I did, I smiled and laughed.  Turns out T recently got divorced. 

Now it makes sense...she might be sad and lonely and confused...and either is trying to get a life back...or maybe I am the only person she knows that would understand what she is going through.

I have been waiting for this for 5 years.  Sure, I wasn't married...but when you are with someone for 4 years and live together - we didn't have a legal document, but it wasn't just a small breakup either.  For me it was very traumatic.  After the breakup it was the worst 4 years of my life...and actually 2 of those years were a complete blurr of nothing. When I think of my age, I tend to think I am two years younger; 2 years I was in a fog and didn't do anything. I barely remember it. I think my mind just fogged up so it could protect me.  Anyway, no one understood what I went through. I didn't know anyone that got a divorce, I didn't know anyone that was in something similar to me when it didn't work out.  Sure, I was 'young' at 27 but people didn't get it and told me my emotions were over reacting. 

Well, now my time has come.  People are starting to separate/divorce and they are miserable.  I don't like to see people unhappy...and I am not glad for their sad stories...but I am happy people will now understand what I went through and maybe regret things they did or said to me.

It took me a long time to get to where I am now and I can't let people that are no longer my friends bring me down.  I will try to be as supportive as possible for my few current friends and I give my perspective when people ask it.

Last year I met up with this other girl who defriended me three years ago.  I met her at Starbucks and I listened to her for 2 1/2 hours talk about herself.  At no point did she apologize to me for what happened.  I am not saying I wasn't at fault at all...I was miserable and it was hard to be around...but she was an adult and could have handled it better.  She wasn't the person that reached out either, she had this other girl do it.  When we met, she told me that she thought of me daily in the year we weren't friends and often wondered about me.  She also got married to someone that was a 'forbidden' boyfriend that she rarely saw.  Hmm, I know if I was getting married and I missed someone - I'd let them know about that kind of news before it happened.  Not really permanent friend material in my book.  I walked away no different; we wouldn't be friends again and I didn't miss her.  With that experience behind me, I can't think that this meeting with T will be any different. I am so torn if it is worth it or not to see her; I don't want to mislead her thinking we'll be BFFs or even just friends again.

I will make this T girl happy and meet up with her one day after work - on my schedule - but I am not looking to be friends with her again nor am I delusional that we would ever be friends like we were when we were 18 - 25.  I will go and listen to her, she probably just needs to talk about what she is going through and then we'll go our separate ways.

I think its funny that so many people have reached out to me in the last few years by realizing what a great person I am after the fact they de-friended me. 

Why do I have such bad luck when it comes to friends & guys?  All I want is some decent/good friends and a fantastic fh.

I'll post about our meeting very soon.

'S' bangs

I had my hair cut again on Sunday.  It is short and I have long bangs again.  The problem is that I decide to get it cut the week it is non-stop raining.  I have naturally curly/wavy hair and even though I have the Keratin done, having bangs is becoming a huge problem or the problem is that I am becoming a little vain.  My short hairstyles require work - not wash and go like when I have it long.  I have to blow it dry and then flat iron it, adding about 30 minutes to my morning routine.  Today I spent five minutes alone just on my bangs.  I wore a raincoat and used an umbrella and when I got to work my bangs were an S - a long S...it could be a lot worse but still, how friggin annoying.  This was the reason I didn't get bangs way back in my school days.  I don't think I am going to meet Mr. FH today - but I do go out in public and I am seeing 'friends' after work today and tomorrow. 

Maybe I should look into getting a small traveler flat iron to keep at work.

Should friends speak up about an affair?

If your other is cheating on you, and all their friends know...do you think it is their responsibility to tell you or to warn you?

Looking back, I remember this time that SI's friend Keith came to our new house.  We were sitting outside drinking a beer.  We, or rather Keith & SI, were talking about the bartender at the bar they go to and how she lets them go behind the bar and make drinks and serve people.  This is not the first time I heard about this person - I heard a little about her over the course of the last year or two.  When we were talking outside on our porch, I remember this moment where the two guys realized they said something they shouldn't have...and I thought that Keith liked this girl.  Turns out she was SI's mistress.  I believe the three of them even went to Boston one weekend before I moved into this house with SI.  So I wonder:  If SI's few good friends knew he was carying on an affair, should they have warned me that it might not be the smartest thing for me to give up the life I knew...my FREE crappy basement apartment, my town, etc to move to an area that was farther away from my family to where I knew no one, to live with the man I loved? Only to sit in our house, alone most of the time while he was gallivanting with his other lady?  They knew about this for a while, yet no one said anything to me.  Sure, it might not be the easiest thing to say outright; but what about dropping a hint?  Could Keith or his other friends said something like 'Denise you should really double think this' or 'Denise, are you sure you know where he goes when he isn't with you?'  When I didn't hear from SI and became concerned, I'd message SIs best friend asking if he heard from SI because I knew that there was an accident on a highway.  I was always worried about him; and yet this other friend said absolutely nothing to me that SI was safe - in bed with some other woman. 

I wonder if one of these two guys did tell me...what would have happened? I wouldn't have moved to NJ, I would have saved money living in that free apartment a bit longer...which means I would have paid down my graduate school loans, I would have less credit card debt & I'd be able to afford cable TV.   I like my apartment now (not LOVE, it still isn't ideal & I am more broke than ever), and I wouldn't be here if all those things didn't happen; fate is funny. 

Sure, the confession of his friends would have caught me so off guard and would have made me so angry...but I had those feelings when I found out on my own anyway. If they could have prevented all that extra hurt, the 12 months I was so sad, confused and alone I would definitely have rathered someone to tell me. I would have wanted to hear it to prevent all that useless time spent with someone - so either he would have made the choice to call the affair off or to break it off with me.  And what did they care? We weren't friends, they weren't risking a friendship so it would have been a lot more emotionless on their part.  Also, did his friends tell him he shouldn't be doing that? Did they think about what he was doing to me at all? Did they warn him that he wouldn't get away with it forever? Or were they 'guys' in the fact they admired that he was able to carry on this double life for 2+ years?

I suggest, if you are ever in this situation, that you do speak up.  What is the worst thing that will happen?  The person you tell will get very upset with you.  You may be risking a friendship - but if that friend can't understand why you spoke up, then they aren't the kind of friend you'd want anyway.  They may not speak to you for a while, but it has nothing to do with YOU...they will be more hurt by the situation and I am sure when things settle down, will reach out to you and thank you.