I'm calling it quits...

....No, not with my job yet...but thank you for thinking of that right away! 

I am calling it quits with Cop#1.  This should have been done three years and nine months ago, after my first mistake.  I was still talking to SI and I had hoped he would have been furious about this and won me back; he did not.  Instead, on rare occasion, I have been a very bad person and allowed this to continue.  The good news is that I have zero emotional feelings towards Cop#1...I just found him sexy and I liked his penis a lot.  He turned me on in a matter of seconds and he is the only person I have sent inappropraite photos to aside from the at-the-time-boyfriend.  It was always just a very physical 'relationship' (I use that term very lightly) and it never had any chance of going anywhere.

While we were chatting, he told me that I could replace him so quickly...and that got me thinking - how do you replace a casual sex participant?  Do I go into a bar, get a little tipsy and just announce that I am looking for someone to semi-regularly boink me?  I don't even want to know the creeps I'd get.  Or for that matter any kind of diseases.  I like to 'play it safe' and not sleep around.  So I guess I'll be taking another long sex-sabbatical.  Have pity & say a prayer for me.

In August I was at this picnic with my family - and I was getting a bit tipsy and was talking to Doofy about the possibility of getting laid that night...my sisters stormed off like I embarrassed them.  Somehow I became my family's slut...and the best part is - my number is crazy low for my age AND I don't sleep around.  The problem of course is that all the coupled people don't understand that a single person still needs sex - if I had someone to regularly do it with (a boyfriend) then I wouldn't need to find these other placeholders (well, they aren't people I like - on the off chance that I met someone I do, it is easy to end it with them) that I don't date, just sleep with when the need arises.

Seriously, what the f*uck has happened to my life?  I have such a hard time imagining that 7-9 years ago I was on top of the world.  I don't know why I haven't been able to have a 'normal' life since then - everyone else seems to have one - even the a*sholes that screwed me over.  Sure, I've traveled a little, I have my own place, etc but that isn't enough for me.  I AM open to it, I am not still waiting on a miracle that won't come, all I need is a decent single person to come around and say "hi" and be a little persistent when I have a hard time making conversation because I am new at it. That is all it would take...a "Hello" and then a decent conversation and next thing I know I'll be married running after my little boy & girl.

So I got a little drunk tonight...9 drinks or so...and Doofy wouldn't even have sex with me, instead he made me cry.   What is wrong with me?  I want to have sex without feelings and one guy comes along and argues with me that I need to have feelings...and on top of that Bank Boy was all up my butt tonight about why I never gave him a chance to date me...that he would LOVE to get dinner or drinks or see a movie with me.  obviously I can't date bank boy.  Even Doofy seemed like a guy I could get laid to take out my work frustrations, but that failed miserably, instead, I am left alone with with tears in my eyes thinking what I did wrong.   Don't guys want casual sex?  If  I can't succeed in that ... what kind of hope do I have for the future? Damn you SI...you are ruining everything - you were supposed to be the last person I had sex with. even the guy I pegged to just want to have sex isn't willing to do it.  Am I not willing to open up and have feeling because deep down I am afraid that I will never have a connection like that? I am afraid to fall for the wrong guy?  I don't know what is wrong with me and now I feel worse about myself than I did 12 hours ago.  The good thing is that Doofy says it like it is and he brought up some great points...but after a year, we still can't have sex...that isn't a good sign.  Why do I need to be drunk - HSK was the last guy I was able to do it sober with...and it was quite amazing and I did it with Cop#1 sober or with 2 drinks...nothing drunk crazy...so what IS my problem?  Is it me? is it him? is it the whole circumstances? I don't know.

I just want love..and in the mean time...this pursuing other options isn't really working for me- I might just have to give up until I meet my fh.

:( crazily frustrated