no happier

I moved because I wasn't happy in New York.  It was very stressful living alone, working with a lower salary, paying student loans, the commute, the lack of good friends, the dark dreariness of fall & winter.  I hoped that Colorado would bring some happiness back into my life.

But I am the same person.  I didn't change just because I moved.  I still have a hard time meeting people, so I don't really have friends, I am still living this extremely solo independent life.  I am still at a job that pays less than it should, so my financial situation hasn't really improved.  I am still paying off my student loans, but now I also have a car payment.  My current commute sucks, I wonder how did I complain about taking a train to work when I sit in traffic in the car which is worse in my opinion. I have a roommate.  The sun...the sun is an area of improvement.  I love it.  And when it is cloudy or overcast for the whole day, I feel it.

Was this all worth it?? I am at the same happiness level I think.  But it has been good for me because I don't have anyone I can rely on here and that is a bit of a test.  I had space to think. I had space to mourn. I had time to cry.  I have so much free time that I am wasting because I am either tired of doing things alone or don't have the finances to do it, or don't know where to go.

I've met a few people who also moved out here, and they adjusted much better than I have.  They made friends, they keep busier, they met guys or are dating.

Maybe that just isn't the life I am destined to have.

someone I used to know

I've been needing a sign, or rather, I need to figure out how to identify and interpret the signs.  I feel so confused, more so this month than in the last 4 months.  A friend gave me this stone to rub for clarification.   I tried it; I thought about the areas I want clarification in while gently rubbing the stone, then I put it down on got on with my to-do.

Someone LinkedIn requested me, so I go on to accept that, and under People You May Know is SI.  This is within 2 minutes of rubbing the stone.  I haven't thought about SI in any kind of way in ages.  I miss that period of my life when I had a somewhat reliable person to have feelings for and thought I had a future involved with a man...but other than that....nothing.  Was this a sign?  And if so, what the fuck does it mean???  It's bad enough his mistress and best friend occasionally view me and he popped into my feed one day 2 years ago, but I had his email blocked, he shouldn't appear on my screen.  Hmm, maybe he has a different email.

I stared at his picture for probably 4 minutes.  Thoughts came to me.

I clearly remember a conversation he had with me about 3 years into our relationship about him feeling less attracted to me because I gained about 5-10 pounds.  He told me I needed to take care of myself and go to the gym.  I ended up buying a treadmill and spent a bit of time on that...but of course it wasn't enough.  Mind you at the time he gained probably the same amount of weight but that was fine with him.

As I stare at his picture, I can't help but think of what time does.  I haven't seen him in person since 2010 and just those two times his photo appeared in my email/linkedin.   He looks a good 50 pounds heavier than he did ten years ago.  Add 5-10 years too because of all the facial hair.  If I didn't know who he was and he approached me...I highly doubt I would have been interested, as desperate as I think I might be...I am not.   But that tiny smile, it might have eventually got me again and he somewhat resembles my father with that full beard and they say you go for people who look like your parents/siblings.   It's a fine look, but when you know what someone looked like, it is a bit drastic.

I'm not saying I look as good now as I did ten

2001 or 2002 (few months in).  2006 (end of relationship).  2015

years ago.  It is clear I am aging and gained weight.  I have grey hair, bags under my eyes and a huge crease under my cheek that is evident when I smile.  In all my 'professional' pictures l look exhausted.  Probably because they were all taken during or after a long day/conference and I have little makeup left and can't fake a good smile.  Maybe I should look into a portrait studio or something cause I don't want to be seen by people who haven't seen me in years to look old and weathered.

Does attraction lesson when you haven't seen someone?  When I see a picture of Cop#1, I am still so attracted to him, if I stare long enough, I might get a little wet.  He sees me the same way.  That kind of attraction is incredible. I had it with ManFriend too, but with him it wasn't just the attraction, it was more of a magnetic pull.  I felt nothing looking at SI, but maybe it also has something to do with me not being attracted to him when we first met over 13 years ago but he grew on me the longer we were together and I soon found him cute.  If I ended up with SI, would he look how he does now? Would he have taken into consideration what I find attractive with his style?  It doesn't matter because the reality is if we were still together, I'd love him no matter what he looked like because of love, the emotional connection and well, just because it is who I chose to be with.

I was very happy to see he is doing well salary-wise, making a salary 2-4 times what I make (not counting the benefits, bonuses and all those extras that I don't get) based on his title and place of employment.  I am not surprised; when we were together he was doing well, but then I guess you'd have to be if you were in two relationship and had all those expenses of dates and guilt gifts.  Did he look happy?  I don't know, it was hard to tell, but I am sure he's met most of his goals both professionally and personally.

The good thing is when I look at his picture, I feel nothing.  And if that is who I am associating my past with...it is easier to not feel than think about what I am missing out on.  If he looked more-or-less the same as when we were together, maybe I would have wondered.  But at this point, it was so long ago and the damage was too devastating to even want to think of what might have been.  He is just someone I used to know.  Talk about progress and how far I've come.  So, really, what does he have to do with my seeking clarification in my life???

If he is out there and going through a hard time, I wish him well. If he was diagnosed with some terminal disease...karma's a bitch and I hope he thinks about what he did to me and the lasting effects/damage on my life.  But that would also mean the death of 3 of 4 special men in my life (preceded by Kevin & ManFriend) what would be the odds of that?  So, SI wherever you are....you've consumed my energy for the last few days...I hope that you received all that energy/focus and used it however you needed.

18 months without ManFriend

ManFriend,
It's been 18 months since you passed, and your unbirthday is near.  I have your blurry picture hanging up in my room, so I am greeted with your flirty smile everyday.  I cry less than I did last year, but every once in a while I will think of something or see something that brings back a memory and I tear up.  I have debated sending your family a thinking of you card again, but they never met me and knew virtually nothing about me...so does that seem weird, crazy or stalker like? Or is it a comfort knowing that someone loved you and misses you?  Or are other women doing the same thing - and I just look like a fool?

I've reread some of my posts from when we were involved and we were so stupid.  There were so many ups and downs.  I thought I was ready for a relationship but I didn't find what I was looking for with you.  You weren't ready.  Did the cancer hold you back from doing the fun companionship things I needed? Was it me? Or you?  Why was I so stubborn and refused to tell you I loved you until you almost moved to NJ, when I felt it many months before, even before you did?

It's done. I can't change the past.  And I don't think you knew how deeply I felt about you.  And that is what saddens me.  I came so close to telling you the last time I saw you...that I (still) loved you and I wanted to hug and kiss you so badly.  I didn't think it would be the last time I saw you.

So, I asked you to watch over me for two years.  I guess there is only 6 months left of the angel watching over me thing I requested.  It's been a busy 18 months.  The depression, the sale of the apartment, moving twice, quitting a job, finding a job, finding a temporary place to live.  I guess all that turned out OK.   All that is left of my list is finding a more permanent place to live - am I supposed to be in Colorado? or somewhere else?  Will I rent or buy? and finding a man.  I'd like to give love a third try.  Maybe this time I'll stop messing it up and actually find a guy that loves me just as much as I love him.  I learned a lot from my first relationship and with our nonrelationship and I think I am ready this time around.  Also, I am still debating the fostering/adopting a child(ren) thing.  Colorado isn't as cheap as I had hoped it would be...so it would be financially challenging as well as the regular challenges of doing it solo....but so many conquer one or both of those....so I shouldn't let those fears hold me back.

I miss our friendship.  I miss how comfortable I was with you.  I miss watching and learning about sports with you. I miss cooking and baking for you.  I miss kissing you.  And as much as I hated it at the time, I miss knowing exactly what you wanted and how to please you....no variety but just knowing how much I turned you on....that is hot in and of itself.

A ladybug flew into my car the other day when I was sitting in traffic for over an hour.  I hadn't seen a lady bug since I moved out here and one other day when kids were playing in my backyard and found one.  Somehow now, I associate a ladybug with you.  I like to think you are nearby.

love,
me

I did it again....camping

Well, I did it again. I camped.  My first attempt was in September 2012 and after that, I figured, sure, I could sleep in a tent.

So, when I started looking into Moab, the hotels were selling out fast and I didn't want to spend $200 a night for hotels when I wanted to be there for at least 4 days.  It seemed I either had to wait or suck it up and try sleeping in a tent.

I remembered my last experience when I was freezing.  This time I researched sleeping bags and ended up buying one of those mummy 0 degree ones and a sleeping pad.  I borrowed a tent and lantern from my room mate.

Site.  See how close the neighbors are.

I had full days planned, so really, this was just a place to sleep and I chose this RV resort because it had a bathroom/shower and other people close by, since I'd be alone, this seemed safe.  (And I didn't want to chance the non reservations at the parks...but also that is real camping, I am not ready for that).

yea, finally, a mallet.  Now we can get this up

My friend ended up joining me.  She never did this before, so it was the blind leading the blind with me some how being the 'expert' since I booked the trip.  When we arrived at the campsite, we attempted to put up the tent.  Tent assembly is relatively easy, however the ground was as hard as a rock, and a mallet was not included in my roommates tent bag.  We struggled trying to get our posts into the ground.  I asked a neighbor if they had a mallet I could borrow, but he said they also didn't bring one and he struggled to get his in.  We continued for about 20 minutes trying to swirl and push and pound the pegs.  My friend didn't stop complaining and kept saying we needed a mallet, but yet was unwilling to ask anyone.  I finally got up and asked the other neighbor if they had one and they graciously let us borrow it.  Then it was fairly easy.  Note to self, buy a mallet, maybe keep it in the car.

The reservation at the campsite was for three nights, so once the hard part of putting it up was done, it was little work.  The following day my friend said she wanted to BBQ.  Yikes, this was not on my to-do because I didn't bring any of this equipment.  I hadn't started a fire except for in a fireplace at Mountain Man's house a few years ago.   I was dreading it, but it was something she really wanted to do, so we'd figure it out.    After the day at Arches, we were worn out and knew it would be an 'early' night, perfect for grilling.  We went to the store.  Spent like $25 on food.  Another $5 on wood and $5 on matches and Vaseline, oh and $1 for ice.  As I was dicing up the veggies and chicken, she begins the fire.  But it started to downpour; hard.  she runs into the car and I am left to clean up and get things in the cooler.  I sat in the car too and after 15 minutes we decide to go to the brewery to wait it out.  Along the way is when we got the ice so we wouldn't give ourselves food poisoning.  I ask Mountain Man how to start a fire when our wood was drenched.  He suggested the Vaseline.  Once the rain stopped and we headed back, friend needed to use bathroom and make calls.  Instead of just waiting around twiddling my thumbs, I figured I'd start on the fire, it was already 7.  It was slow, but I started to get it going, but let it die out when friend looked extremely upset that I started the fire when she wanted to.  So, after about 45 minutes, our fire was up and going.  We cooked our foil packets of chicken with vegetables and by 8:30 or 9:00 pm we were eating.  Since the fire was still going, we decided to make smores, because what kind of camping didn't involve smores?


All in all, I really enjoyed the 'camping' thing.  I can totally handle more than just sleeping in a tent at this point, but not ready enough to camp in an area that had no facilities.

My sleeping bag was so hot and restricting for someone who sleeps flamingo; I couldn't sleep in it this time but used it for padding and when the occasional chill happened.  I know it will be a good bag for the future.  The sleeping pad was good, and considering I got it at Costco for $36 instead of a place like REI for $120....because I wasn't sure if I'd do it again, it worked out perfectly and I didn't feel the rocks and uneven ground under me, which is kinda the point.

I left those few days thinking that if only I was willing to try this sooner, my moving trip from NY to CO could have been a lot different, longer and even more enjoyable.  I could have really taken my time, visited places and stayed in places longer than I could have by renting a hotel room, I could have seen more.   But, I try not to believe in regrets and what could have been, I just need to remember this for the future.

Tower Arch Trail and overviews at Arches NP

I originally signed up for a hike at Fiery Furnace at Arches National Park.  The park service offers this hike for $10 (in addition to park entry fees) but books up months in advance.  Since I planned my trip only a month out, taking the tour with the park rangers was not an option, but several tour companies offer this tour for about $85-90 with a smaller group of people and have more availability on shorter notice.  I struggled with paying $85 for a hike, but all the reviews I read sounded incredible and thought since I was going alone, it would be great to see part of the park I normally wouldn't.

When my friend decided to come along, I called the tour company and they said no problem getting an extra permit, but alas, when we arrived the day of for the hike, they did not have permits for us.  I was pissed, naturally, and part of my "new york" came out, fine, I couldn't go on the hike, but what happened to contacting me prior to my arrival?  Anyway, so the guy who turned me away told me about Tower Arch trail, which is 7 miles off the main paved street that goes through the park.  He said I'd like the trail because it was terrain unlike I've ever seen.  

We stop at several overlooks (courthouse towers, balanced rock, and one other) before arriving at Salt Valley (dirt) road leading to the trail.  There was only one other car there that pulled in right after us, and that group soon passed us.

Tower Arch

The trail was a good one; but certainly not terrain I've never hiked before, as the guide implied.  It starts with some stairs and inclines, then goes through a valley, a view of the Marching Men then up and through sand and soon after you reach the arch.  It isn't shady, so it gets hot, I drank 2.5 liters of water round trip.  While the elevation gain is only about 100 feet, it is up, down, up, down, up. 

Tower Arch is a 92 foot span arch, which I believe was the arch used for publicity when the park first opened.  We stopped here for a small picnic lunch and then headed back the way we came, just as the thunder started to roll in.  On our way out, we passed two other small groups on their way to the arch, so this trail is definitely off the beaten path.

After we finished our trail, we figured we'd check out some of the arches and headed north to Devils Garden trail head.  I didn't look at the map or factor being there so long, so we didn't carry our water, but I wish we had.  The day grew very hot and I started dragging from exhaustion and thirst.  The paved path to Pine Tree Arch and Tunnel Arch was easy enough and we continued on to Landscape Arch, which has the longest span of any arch in North America at 306 feet.  We stopped for a quick view at Lower Delicate Arch viewing area so my friend can see one of the most famous arches and we left the park, exhausted.

Canyoneering Morning Glory / Ephedra's Grotto

I was in Moab for a day back in 2008 and with this trip, I wanted to be sure that I experienced something different, especially if I was taking a solo trip.  I signed up with Red River Adventures to canyoneering/hiking Morning Glory / Ephedra's Grotto, the thought of rappelling kinda scared me, I did indoor rock climbing once about five years ago, and the first climb and rappel were scary, but I got used to it by the end, I was hoping that little bit of experience would help me with this, since instead of climbing up a wall, you are going down it, a lot less work.   But, naturally, I still panicked.

The first rappel - 85 feet

We start the hike by going over petrified sand dunes to get to our first of the two rappels was.  The first was a 90 foot drop through a classic water carved chamber that was quite narrow towards the top before opening up at the bottom.  Our tour guide set up all the ropes and attached himself so he could belay us from above.  He went over how to 'brake' by the position of our hands and the rope and ideally how to go down smoothly.   Walking backwards over the cliff is slightly terrifying at first.  I didn't look down, just straight ahead at my feet against the wall.  I kept taking deep breaths while slowly moving the rope through my hands to slowly decent and next thing I knew, I was on the ground.  Hands shaking a bit, but I was so proud of myself and was really glad I signed up for this excursion.

We exit this area through a small slot and need to scramble through rocks to get to a more open area.  Here our guide went to set up for rappel number two and we had a moment to explore a grotto.

Second rappel, 120 feet mostly free hanging

The second rappel was next to Morning Glory Bridge (243 feet span) and was a 120 foot drop down, with about 20 feet at the top to walk down and the rest was a free hanging drop.  Our ropes were attached to a stone pile and a tree, not anchored into the wall like the first.  Going over the side, I slipped and dangled until I was able to readjust my feet against the wall.  This area was more open and having just did the first one, I was slightly more comfortable, but yet a little worried what the free hanging part was going to be like.  Within moments the wall slipped back and very slowly I maneuvered down.  Sadly, I didn't really take the time to enjoy the view behind me, which many say is pretty, but focused on the fear and adrenaline and my accomplishment of having done this.  Since I was the first one down, I played photographer for the rest of our group and helped them release their ropes when they got to the bottom.

The hike out was on the Negro Bills Trail, which was about 2 miles crossing over, several times, a small stream with cottonwoods and willow trees and next to sandstone cliffs. Our guide pointed out where the poison ivy was, rock formations, soils, erosion, and other interesting information along the way.

I am so glad I tried this.  Would I do it again?  Yeah, I would...but I would want to go indoor rock climbing prior to get 'ready' so I could enjoy the views more next time around.

Canyonlands

I was in Moab in 2008 but didn't get to Canyonlands National Park so it was a must see this time around.  Canyonlands is divided into three sections, Island in the Sky which is the most popular, the Needles about 60 miles south of Moab and the Maze which has no paved roads.  You can't pass through any of the districts within the park by car, you have to drive all the way around, which could take 2 to 6 hours.

Enjoying the view

My first stop was to the Needles District because it is less frequented by visitors and from what I heard, the hikes were better there than in the Island of the Sky.  I didn't really plan anything in particular, so I looked at the suggested short hikes in the newspaper I got at the pay station and selected the Slickrock Trail which is 2.4 miles and they claim 2 hours; I'd say we did the trail in 3.5 hours.  This was the first 'real' hike my friend ever did, so we went at a very slow leisurely pace.  My friend saw her first cactus, and had many other firsts.
The trail is an easy walk over sandstone and offers four 'view points' with each being more beautiful than the next, if that is possible.

Needles

The first over look offers views of six shooter peak, Elaterite Butte, Cathedral Butte, Ekker Butte, the Needles, La Sal Mountains and the Abajo Range.  Although this was within minutes of starting the trail, this is where we had a small picnic lunch.  The second view point looks over Upper Little Spring Canyon, where they claim you have a good chance of seeing big horn sheep; we didn't see any.  At the third viewpoint you see Lower Little Spring Canyon.  And the fourth viewpoint, is the most spectacular and there is a short path off this that requires a little more climbing, but it is well worth it.

Island in the Sky view

The following day we headed to Island of the Sky mesa, which is the northern part of the park, we were only here about 2-3 hours because of other plans, but we still were able to see magnificent views due to all the pullouts and over looks.  The mesa is over 1,000 feet above the surrounding terrain.

A quick visit to Colorado National Monument

I stopped at Colorado National Monument on my way to Utah.  I honestly wasn't sure what Colorado National Monument was going to be like but I love national parks and monuments that, why not see it if I was going right by it?

Colorado National Monument rises more than 2,000 feet above the Grand Valley of the Colorado River and is part of the Colorado Plateau.  The colorful walled canyons, rock sculptures and mesa top mountain were well worth the drive through the park.

We entered from the East side and drove North through the park. We stopped at all the overlooks and took in the scenery.  We drove through sun, rain, and when we were at on overlook, it started to hail quite hard.

I was a little disappointed that the visitor center closed at 4:30 PM, I got there minutes before 5 PM to get my stamp and bypassed the last few stops....ultimately for no reason.  

the Royal Arch

The Royal Arch is located in the Flatirons.  I drove to Chatauqua Park and met a meetup group by the ranger station.  I was a little nervous going into this hike, being rated moderate to strenuous and I knew there were lots of stairs.  Before I moved to Colorado, I never had any breathing problems, but now, I think I have asthma so the hikes and snowshoeing turn out to be less fun as I struggle to catch my breath.  But, with an upcoming trip, I figured I needed the warm up.

I went from being in the front of the pack at the beginning to the last one within 20 minutes of our hike, and last I stayed all the way. I was essentially hiking alone, which is fine when you can't maintain conversations anyway.  I stopped for a lot of breaks and sips of water.  The elevation gain was 1,205 feet with a lot of 'stairs'.

It took me 80 minutes to get to the arch.  It was pretty, but crowded, not just with the meetup group (who apparently had a long lunch up there) but also with lots of other hikers who passed me along the way.  I ate a bar, took a few photos, rested about 10 minutes and then the group headed back down.   I was able to talk to a handful of people on the way down, and down only took about 20-25 minutes.  I am glad I went, and for the first hike of the season, it will only get better.

The trail is 3.2 miles round trip, very popular, and a good hike.  I suggest you give it a try!

Info

the clouds of Colorado

The sky in Colorado is amazing and looks different so often.  At times the weather changes fast, clear blue skys in the morning and then thunderstorms for a while in the afternoon.  Sometimes you can't even seen the foothills and mountains.

first day in Colorado

conceding

I had an epiphany.

I realize I get into certain situations where I say "no" a few times because it is something I don't want to do, but after being asked a few times, I concede.  Then I feel worse about myself because I am doing what I don't want to do.  Not only may the action be bad/uncomfortable, but it is the internal feeling that I feel during and after - it is hard to describe but it is similar to a roller coaster of emotions.

I feel I stuck up for myself a lot more before age 24.  Then it happened; the emotional abuse started.  I would concede on things I didn't want or believe in because agreeing was better than the repercussions of what may have happened.

Apparently, this has been my coping mechanism for the last ten years.  When I am in situations where I say no more than 5 times, I go into protective mode and just give in and agree.

Clearly this is not good, but at least I realized this pattern and now I can be more cognizant and stand up for myself and be more firm.

People, no means no.  Not just in sex, but in anything.  Stop pushing people, you don't know their backgrounds and the reasons they say no. Sometimes going out of your comfort zone is a good thing, but it should be on my terms, not yours.  All that pushing is being disrespectful, and you end up on the shit list.

Masturdating

photo from Twitter

My roommate just showed me this photo that appeared in her twitter feed.  I frowned; this is something I do all the time.

Just like masterbating, this has such a negative cogitation to go along with it.  Maybe it is because I was raised catholic,but masterbating was a sin through lust. And is selfish because you are fulfilling your own desires...when I guess you are supposed to have someone else do it for you?   So, does that translate to masturdating?  Should I feel ashamed that I don't have someone to eat or go to a movie with?  No.  Absolutely not.

Sure, I occasionally go out to eat alone and I frequent the movies by myself. Sometime I take classes alone, or see a show solo.  It's called life.  I wasn't lucky enough (yet) to find a partner or good friends and I am not going to hold back on doing what I want just because I don't have someone to share it with.  Why do we need to make these 'fancy trendy' words?

A good number of our population is made up of singles, just because we don't have someone to share our free time with doesn't mean we need to sit at home and twiddle our thumbs.  Make the most out of it.

a visit home

Visiting home was just as hard as I thought it was going to be.  There was so much to cram into a 3 day trip, that I didn't really tell anyone I was going to be in town because I wanted to spend it all with my family.

So, I left work a little early, flew in.  and waited at the airport for 90 minutes because a truck got stuck under one of those low clearance bridges bringing traffic to a halt.  While I waited outside from 11:00 to 12:30 am, I watched the chaos of NYC airports.   I've always felt the traffic patterns dropping off and picking up is horrible...other big airports can do it so much more efficiently, that it is dreadful being picked up from anything other than a taxi or shuttle.  But I got a kick out of ladies who are prancing around in 5+ inch heels walking across the pickup area when cars are coming - knowing they will be holding up traffic but not that they will get hit.  The noise, the lights...I can't say I missed it.

I spent the first day having breakfast with a friend, her mother and my mother.  Then I spent time with one sister and her family, saw my grandmother who teared up because she misses me and having ethnic food, then seeing another sister and her family.  We even got in some Apples to Apples and Pictionary.  It was such an amazing day.  I was whipped out.

The following day my mother got us ticket to see "It Should Have Been You" a hysterical musical about a wedding...common stereotypes of Catholics, Jewish, homosexual all mixed together.   But before we did that, we took my mother to Ellen's Stardust Diner where the waitstaff sing songs.  It was fun.  Supposedly last year they lost 16 of their serves to Broadway.  Quite impressive.  And after listening to all them....I am not surprised, they had fantastic voices.  After we got back to the area, I had dinner with the family....pizza.  Even though the pizza out in Colorado kinda sucks, I can't say I missed the NY pizza anymore.  

 My last day was breakfast with a friend and then a picnic at the 'beach' with some sister's and parts of their families.  We played monkey in the middle, tried to skip shells, had lunch, and caught up.  The sand, the water....that is definitely something I miss.  Dinner was a big to do with most of the family.  We ordered Chinese from two different places because everyone is picky.  We had great conversation and when it came to opening our fortune cookies, we went around to guess, or rather, say what we thought our fortunes should be.  Shockingly my 9 year old nephew turns out to be a philosopher, he was dishing out proverbs and his own says left and right.  And for his turn, I was extremely close about his fortune, which turned out to be about courage.  When my turned rolled around, I got lots of great fortunes from my family, that made me tear up.  And then I open my cookie...and it was empty.  No fortune.  In the past I would have thought it was because I didn't have a future, but this time, it was because no fortunes could beat all the wonderful things that was predicted for me - what they said was perfect.  Everyone left and as I was packing, there was a knock on the door and it was my oldest nephew who couldn't make dinner and wanted to stop by and hang for a bit.  I can't believe how sweet he still is.

And then next thing I knew, it was time to leave and say good bye.

I kept thinking on the plane how I felt about New York and Colorado.  Where I think I belong.  The sacrifice of leaving my family for the potential for more happiness.  While I hated the airport, 'home' was fantastic and pretty.  I can see myself in both places.

homesick

A few weeks ago I started to feel homesick.  I happened to look on Kayak for flights home and shockingly I found really fantastic priced airfare.  I couldn't pass that up.  I last saw my parents in January, one sister & her family in March, and everyone else in November around Thanksgiving.  It's been so long and way overdue.  The three days won't be enough but hey, it is something.

Maybe I'll get a feel of NY again....and realize that yeah, I don't belong there, in that environment.  It would be so much easier if my family moved to me, but that is wishful thinking.

I need a sign

It's been a little over nine months since I moved.  In a way, the time went so slow but yet so fast.  I guess, I've been trying to think if it was worth it.  Six months without a job and draining my savings account, a job that seems kinda perfect for me but yet, I am underpaid and makes it a bit difficult to have the life I want. I miss my family.  I haven't made connections with guys or girls.  I have a few friends...but they aren't good friends I could count on, well, except for my roommate - she's been a blessing.

So I've been trying to look for signs.  Did I do the right thing for me by moving here?  Or was it not worth it?  Am I supposed to see the signs along the way, or after the fact? And if it is after the fact, am I not just connecting the signs with the way it turned out?

Looking back, I am wondering where the signs were.

Of course it worked out perfectly that my roommate needed a place to stay at the same time I did....and it's worked out really well.   The job I accepted I had that feeling during writing my resume and cover letter and the interview - like I did at my last job, that it was mine before they even offered it to me.  Is that it for the good things/timings?

Some of the struggles, which of course I am not opposed to because when you eventually get there....you appreciate it even more, is the low salary, the commute, not having friends I could count on, not having friends that want to travel with me, super high health insurance deductible, not having family around, and just not feeling like I assimilated as I should have.

I am tired a lot.  I've been more emotional in the last month than I have been in the last three.  I am starting to doubt myself.  Wondering if I will ever meet my goals of this better life and maybe raising a kid. I still feel like I could be happy here...but there are a lot of 'ifs' that ago with the rest of that statement.  And those 'ifs' are more important than location, as long as they are there....I can be anywhere.

So, universe, please, throw me an obvious sign.  I am not picking up on your subtle hints and signs.

getting my geek on

One of the meet up groups I recently joined was a euro board game group.  I loved playing board or card games growing up, but I did not know this genre of games even existed.  I was so excited to not only find these types of games where I get to think, but also that other adults like to play these games too.

But, it is like the Big Bang Theory.  The group is predominantly men.  Smart men with very little social skills.

I really enjoyed it.  I am looking forward to going back.

+1

I haven't been anyone's plus one since SI....oh wait, no, once I went to a wedding with a girl friend.  But that all changed this past weekend.  I joined a meetup group, was subsequently invited to another but the RSVPs were closed.  This guy called the event host and I became his plus one.

He picked me up before the meetup, we had lunch then went to the person's house for the event.  He returned me back home twelve and a half hours later.

My roommate said it was a date.  I didn't think so.   But then I was thinking about it.  He did open the car door for me multiple times, he did pay for lunch (I attempted to pay), and he informed me that another guy from the event would no doubt be contacting him to ask about my relationship status but that was about it.

The next morning I get a text saying "I am a bit aloof with dating because I have the cold sore virus, hsv1.  Some are okay with it and some aren't.  I accept all reasons someone doesn't want to date me.  I'm asymptomatic"

What?  Where did that come from? Was that intended for me?  Why would someone say that when 60-90% of the population has hsv1 - but more so because it came out of left field?

It took me two days to respond because I kept thinking about how to reply.  I kept typing and deleting.  Would I want to date this guy? I don't know.   He talks a lot.  A LOT.  Was it his normal or was it nerves?  Aside from that he seems OK in the vaguest sense...but I know nothing about him except for the two topics we've talked about.  Surely not enough to make a decision about dating.

My response, "Sorry for the delay getting back to you.  I have enjoyed chatting with you the last two meetups, but we've only really talked about event ideas and games.  I really don't know anything about you to know where my interest is."  Yes, kinda lame and not really an answer.  I guess if I wanted to date, it would be a yes.  Maybe I am a wuss and couldn't say no?  But on what grounds?  Like I said, he seemed OK.  Maybe a (real) date wouldn't be a bad idea.

octopus

I know where some of my skills are.  I can manage, plan, execute, followthrough.  Those are great skills in my line of work, which is perhaps why I am in this line of work; it suits me.  Because it is natural for me to do this, I forget other people are clueless.  Sometimes some of it seems like knowledge other people should have, especially when it comes to small events....hasn't everyone at least planned a birthday party or holiday? Shouldn't some basic event tasks be thought about if one were to actually take a moment and think?

We had a conference at my job, and when the committee reached out to me a month prior, I was shocked at how little was done.  I offered suggestions.  Gradually I took on most of the responsibility.  They decided they wanted new brochures the week of the event...they don't realize how much time it takes to create a nice looking brochure, or the fact that they were too cheap to purchase a copy machine that staples or folds...so I had to do it all by hand. The day of the event, I had to be the first one there as I was the only one with access to the building.  Since I am not in the field, when the event started, they all left me.  I knew this was goign to be a problem, and asked if I could bring in outside help for day; but they didn't want to spend the $100, when I could do everything.

As the event continued, I was summoned, the microphone is echoing, fix it.  The speaker's laptop is going to die, can you find an outlet?  Can you look to see if her stool can be raised?   Ummm, why can't you look at the stool, by the time it took you to come out of the auditorium, you would have realized that the stool couldn't be raised.   But while I am fixing one area, another committee member tells me how she wants the break arranged...why am I not doing that now?

Last time I checked, I was one person with two arms, not an octopus.  I can only do so much.  I did 85% of the conference on my own.  The other 15% was the committee....and if truth be told, just got in the way most of the time anyway.  They didn't help in areas they needed to help in.  I felt more like a low paid employee than the true purpose of why I was hired.  It was too late.  Even if I wanted to stick up more for myself...there was no one there to do the work.  It was a real eye opener for me what my employer thinks they want from me versus actual expectations.  Or really, they want it all, and they want it for almost nothing.

I grew agitated, and it showed.  The New York in me started to stand out.  I started to wonder if I was going to have to start looking for a job again...because I am not sure I want to work for a group of people that are extremely impressed with my knowledge and skills...but yet, aren't willing to change, only consider my ideas for just a few seconds, are nice enough but somewhat inconsiderate, and expect me to do it all....but then again, aren't most jobs like that?   There are a few things I really like about my job.  I love that I have zero coworkers....well, except in times like the conference when I needed 'real' help, that I hope I can put some of the theories and studies into practice, and having mostly flexible hours.  If I can just find ways to make them understand a little bit better, this could have a happy ending.

first time in a pot shop

So many people assumed when I moved to Colorado that I either love to ski or came for the marijuana.  But it is neither.  I am not a fan of skiing and don't have a desire to try it unless my future husband insists and I've never tried marijuana before.  Recently I've thought about maybe trying it...but what it comes down to is money.  Why start something now?  I'd probably like it...and where would all that money come from to purchase it?  Better not to start at this point.

But just because I don't use it, doesn't mean I am not curious about the pot shops.  I knew that the red stores were medicinal and the green were recreational, but other than that...I had no clue.  I had the opportunity recently to go into one and I jumped on the chance.

When we first entered they checked our IDs and once verified, we were allowed through the locked door to the store.  The small room we entered was divided by the cash register.  On the left was the 'raw' stuff and on the right was the edibles.  The raw stuff, or whatever it is called, had a decent variety and had all the supplies you would need to use it, papers, bongs, etc.  They sell it by weight of course.  I was more intrigued by the edibles; they had everything from gummies to beer to lip balm.  The purchases must be placed in this fancy zipped plastic pouch that is child resistant.

The tax on the product is a large percentage, 28%!

After selections were purchased by my party, they realized they forgot to get a lighter.  I purchased it....so there we have it, I purchased something in a pot shop.  

feeling like a genius

Sometimes I feel like a genius but really my accomplishment is so minimal.  Being proud of something you've never done or figured out on your own and with the help of Google is a great feeling.

Just last week I had one of these moments.  My organization didn't have a good email address.  Add that I hated that all the promotional email I was sending out had MY name on it.  No thank you! I spent time calling (40 minutes on hold before I hung up) and emailing our hosting company to ask how many email addresses we were allowed to have. I had to reset two passwords to access the site because I was clueless what the password was.  Unlimited??? And yet, we only used one?  I know I am a one-woman shop so as many emails as I make, they would still get filtered through me...but wouldn't it be nice to have events@____ or info@____ denise@_____?  I created 4 accounts to start.  Then I spent time in Outlook trying to figure out how to get these emails into my outlook where I can respond instead of going through a webmail system, which would be less convenient.  After I while, I figured it out.  A huge smile on my face.   It wasn't until today that I went back in and made one of those new emails my default email, but I felt so much better.   Finally, email addresses more representative of the company; a few generic email addresses for those times when you email 300 people and it isn't really from you and for our brochures and flyers.  Way better.  More professional.

After 20 years of the company doing it that one way....it only took me 2 months to get around to fixing it.  I doubt any of the people I email will even notice the change of email senders.

It's these little accomplishments.  I did it.

beer on the slopes

My sister and her family came out to Colorado to go skiing at Winter Park.  Not being a skier, I didn't want to miss out on some of the activities they were having after looking at day #1's pictures, so the following day my sister and I snowshoed up to Snowasis; met our skiers, and sat on beach chairs in the snow, drinking a beer, and enjoying the 55 degree day.  It was so great....keep the beer in the snow to stay cold, roll up the sleeves to absorb the sun, and watching skiiers coming down a slope.  I haven't felt this relaxed in months!

one car away

Fate has this way of working, making you just a few seconds late to avoid an accident.  That happened to me this week.  On my drive to work there was a tracker trailer switching lanes.  He started to cross the line, apparently unaware that there was a car next to him.  That car was fast; when he realized the truck was crossing the lane and was just inches from him, he swirved right to avoid being struck by the truck....but in turn, hit the car that was in the farther right lane.  Apparently he didn't look to see where he was going, just knew that hitting  a car would be better than being hit by a big truck.  They pulled over to the side...but the truck didn't stop.  He didn't hit the car that was in the middle lane, but because of him, the accident happened.  I don't even know if the driver of the truck realized what happened, I know because I was directly behind and I saw the whole thing.  I debated if I should have pulled over too, an eye witness.  I was just a few feet away, saw it all happen.  I didn't think fast enough to pull out  my phone and video what was about to happen, even though, you see it happening in slow motion. I knew there would be a chain of events, and I started to plan my swerve route, if I needed one (I didn't).

But then I remember what happened to my father, he was a witness to a car accident, and had to give several interviews, was subpoenaed to court, testified and this carried on for almost a year.  He said he thought he was doing the right thing, but the way the law worked, it caused him a lot more trouble and time than it should have.  

I didn't stop.  I was a little shaky, thinking it could have been me that was either hit by the truck or hit a car to avoid the truck.  I was thankful that I didn't want to get up that morning and stayed in bed an extra few minutes, I am glad that I drove mostly in the right lane that day and other other event that landed me just one car away from the accident.

TiMER

Netflix recommended TiMER to me.  A movie where people have the option of wearing this timer that counts down the time until they find true love.

Oona, who is only 29, has a blank timer, not counting because her mate does not yet have a timer or because she doesn't have a soul mate.  Her stepsister's timer says she'll meet her true love around 45 while younger brother who is in the 9th grade finds his within days.

A question to consider, if your timer began to count down, do you still continue to date or see other people when you know they aren't the one?  Instead of having meaningful relationships, will people just having fun, will they fall for people before or have their timer removed?

I've felt like Oona for the last few years.  When will I meet my man?  Reassurance is something we crave and wouldn't it be kind of wonderful to know that the possibility is there and have that to look forward to?

homebody

I was laying on my beach towel in my back yard, soaking up the sun and the 75 degree day.  The twenty minutes I laid there, I was very content but my mind wandered to that I enjoyed my routine morning.  Preparing my food/lunch for the week, looking forward to a friend stopping over for a beer outside, and a call with some family members to end the day.  I want to share my life with someone but I am struggling with the location issue of where to meet someone.  I am a bit of a homebody.  I love cooking and baking and don't mind housework.  I run errands and get outside for walks, hikes, etc...I generally don't stop and take a lunch break at work...so I am alone most of my time.  I know I am not going to meet someone in my back yard or in my car.

Hopefully this re-revelation will help me do more with my hours now that the days are longer, and maybe I'll meet new friends/future husband.

loss

Loss is hard.  I've experienced a heartbreak loss only three times, but each was difficult in their own way.  I don't fall in love easily, so when I did, I was all in.  The first loss was hard because it was the first time I ever felt that way; a first real heartache, one that made me realize I probably did love the guy but didn't realize it until it was over.  The second was paralyzing and devastating causing me to barely remember two years of my life because I was in this blur of sadness, shock and denial.  The third was a loss of what could have been, death and guilt.

The common thread of all three has to do with being rejected.

Rejection is something everyone will feel at some point, or many points throughout their lives, not just with dating, but in the career, friendships, financial, education, etc.  When there is not as much at stake, that rejection is easier to handle...like when I applied to 80 jobs a few months ago, I expect a certain percentage of rejection, especially for the long shot applications, but ones that I truly felt I could excel at and they didn't even call me for an interview, that was a little harder because I wanted it more.  Same goes for relationships.  A few dates in and it ends...not a big deal; I am not losing sleep.  But when you spend years with someone and they are embedded in your everyday life, that rejection is much more difficult to handle.  You start to question everything about yourself, because if this person who once loved you so much just stopped...it is hard to understand why.

Time goes by, and yes, the loss and rejection is faded but it never really goes away.  A part of it stays with you and at certain times in your life....it reminds you it is still there.  The important thing is to learn how to not let it bog you down.  You can't obsess over it and let it take over your life; you need to learn, grown and be slightly cautious but not fault others because of how one person treated you.

Turn a bad experience into a self teaching moment.  You will be surprised of what can happen.

optimism towards potential not being alone feelings

I went on a few dates over the last three months and that really helped me and distracted me from my thoughts of ManFriend.  While I think about him a lot, these 90 days were more optimistic towards potential not being alone feelings.  But, I was also trying too hard to feel things I wasn't feeling; that didn't feel right or natural.  I was never sure about the guys, and while I wasn't the one to initiate the end, I am glad they ended quickly - within 3 weeks.  I rushed into things, I wanted to feel wanted and needed. It really didn't matter by who.  But it turns out it did matter, which is why I wasn't feeling it. I am glad to have had this learning experience.  It came later in life for me than I think most people experience it, but nevertheless...I think I got it.

sharing

I attended an inspiring women's event the other day, and I was reminded of why I started this blog - to work through issues, figure life out, forgive, overcome obstacles, etc.  And while I have posted a lot about that, and the many things in between, the last few months I've posted nothing of substance, maybe that is why I have struggled to find the time to want to write something.

So this event had two speakers.  I listened to their stories and they too overcame issues and were simply sharing their stories, one of abuse, the other of being diagnosed with MS and of course both mixed in the 'normal' life event issues that could happen to anyone.  I couldn't help but think, why can't I do that?  Perhaps in future posts I will revisit and share some stories.

tire warning light needs improvement

I have a new car, but I am wondering why the low tire pressure light does not indicate what tire is in need of looking at.

My light came on, I went to put in air.  In NY there were quite a lot of free air tanks, here in Colorado they all seem to be $1.00 for 4 minutes.  So I take off all the caps and start to put in some air in each tire.  The light goes off, but not for long.  My ride home, the light comes back on.  I search my car for my air pressure checker thing and finally found it.  I take off all the caps and check all the tires.  I can't figure out of the gauge is broken because every time I check the tire, I get a different reading.  I get the air hose, and check the pressure that way and fill up where I think it belongs.   The light goes off.

The next morning it goes on again.  I refill a few tires, not using all of the 4 minutes.  The next morning, when the snow finally is gone, I see a screw in my tire.  Ahh.  Well that explains that.

I go to Costco and tell them I need a plug.  They charged me $3.24!  For the piece and for them to do the work.  Holy cow, what a bargain!  Costco suggests I come back after 25 miles for a lug nut tightening/check, which I had done two days later for free.

But all of those trips to the air stations could have been avoided if my car told me what tire was having the issue.

do it yourself car wash

There are so many do it yourself car washes out here.  In my NY past, I went to the kind of car wash you either drove your car through, or got out and they put the car through the wash for a smart washing - based on what level car wash.  Sure, there are a few of those kinds of car washes out here...but they are harder to find.  The manual car washes seem to be on like every other block.

After the really snowy February, my car was a disaster, so a wash has been on my to-do list for weeks.  Then when things finally quieted down, the weather became 50-65 degrees and EVERYONE wanted a car wash so both the drive through and the manual ones had really long lines.  Ugh.

I attempted a wash-your-own car wash.  The sign said only $2.  I didn't know for how long.  I was number 3 in line so I was trying to watch the people in front of me to see what they did.  I should have gotten out and just asked the person who looked like he knew exactly what he was doing. The person in front of me washed his car for like 8 minutes.

When it was my turn, I pulled up, grabbed some quarters and read the sign.  Yeah, still confused.  So I just put quarters in, the water started and I gave it a quick hard wash.  Then I quickly grabbed the soap brush and did a super fast scrub because my water still had time.  Then I ran back over to the water stick and sprayed the car from the top down.  And I ran out of time.  I threw in another quarter got 25 seconds, and finished the back of the car.

For $2.25 I have a much cleaner car.  But it wasn't dirt free, which is fine. No doubt it is going to get dirty when it rains or snows next week.

This is an area I need to experiement more, or find someone whose done this before and explain what all the options meant and how to best utilize the water time vs soap scrubbing.

I like that I get to have different experiences out here.  That something 'normal' back home is a different 'normal' here.  For me to feel like I am here...I need to do these 'normal' local things.

realigning financial priorities

A few years ago I created a financial plan and I paid off a lot of credit card debit.  This year, I have other financial concerns/goals.  I moved and used $12,000 - $18,000 of my savings, practically draining that account while I didn't work. I still have my retirement plan, which is quite minimal considering my age, my Roth IRA which I haven't contributed to in 3 years, and the money from the sale of my condo/money that was gifted to me, borrowed or inherited. It is not a lot, but it will cover a down payment on the next thing I purchase.

Since I will be making less money at this job, I am a little concerned with how I can meet my financial needs.  My goals:

• save to purchase a place, while the down payment is covered, I need money to pay the mortgage, furnish it, pay taxes, any common charges, etc
• re-save the money I spent while I was out of work plus grow that account
• save into my Roth IRA
• have money for 'fun'
• think about having a family
• put money towards vacation/weekend getaways
• get better health insurance and have money for dentist, eye doctor and prescription
• pay down the student loan
• put money into a HSA account
• more money for 'fun' like dates, meetups, entrance fees, etc.

I drained my savings account....but the good news is, I did not rack up credit card debt.  January was the first month I had a balance/used the card, and that was for a flight to Florida, some work clothes and member dues at an association I belong to.  I also just closed one credit card I haven't used in four years and opened a new card with 0% interest for 15 months with cash back...but I hope not to use this card frequently and maybe close it within 3 years.

I think I am going to aim for a 50% essential expenses (place to live, health insurance, utilities, groceries, etc), 25% financial priorities (savings, student loan and eventually retirement savings) and 25% lifestyle (going out, clothes, beauty, gifts) to start and see how that goes.  My essential expenses will change in a few months when I move out of the place I am currently residing.  25% for lifestyle seems like it might be high, but I came out here for a more balanced life and I want to experience things.  I am hoping that this will be less than 25% and eventually save more or put towards essentials.

My new company is not adding anything into my retirement account, so I am not sure I should put money into a new account to be opened for this purpose, even if it is before taxes.  So perhaps instead, I'll max out the IRA at $5,500, if possible. That is probably wishful thinking.

I need to wait until I see a paycheck to see how much my take-away income is and that will really help to figure some of this stuff out.  Oh, I also have to minus health insurance, my company isn't paying for that.

(wrote in January, before paycheck)