conceding

I had an epiphany.

I realize I get into certain situations where I say "no" a few times because it is something I don't want to do, but after being asked a few times, I concede.  Then I feel worse about myself because I am doing what I don't want to do.  Not only may the action be bad/uncomfortable, but it is the internal feeling that I feel during and after - it is hard to describe but it is similar to a roller coaster of emotions.

I feel I stuck up for myself a lot more before age 24.  Then it happened; the emotional abuse started.  I would concede on things I didn't want or believe in because agreeing was better than the repercussions of what may have happened.

Apparently, this has been my coping mechanism for the last ten years.  When I am in situations where I say no more than 5 times, I go into protective mode and just give in and agree.

Clearly this is not good, but at least I realized this pattern and now I can be more cognizant and stand up for myself and be more firm.

People, no means no.  Not just in sex, but in anything.  Stop pushing people, you don't know their backgrounds and the reasons they say no. Sometimes going out of your comfort zone is a good thing, but it should be on my terms, not yours.  All that pushing is being disrespectful, and you end up on the shit list.