Blind date #1

My sister set me up on a blind date, so of course I went, after all, man friend still hasn't wanted more. I wasn't nervous or optimistic about the date, but I know I need dating experience, which was very evident when I couldn't answer his very basic questions: what do you do in your free time, what is your favorite food, etc? My problem is I don't do favorites...so my responses were questions and then rambling. It was sad and I smiled as I was laughing at myself. That aside I think I make a good first impression. Not to toot my own horn, but I am a great catch, and guys realize that, it is just a matter of time where I feel that way in return. So, while I had zero attraction for this fella, I am happy I got out of the house, did something outside of my comfort zone, and realized I need to learn more about me.

50 Shades of Crap

A few months ago, a bookclub friend told us about this steamy book she was reading - 50 Shades of Grey.  While we decided not to read it as a bookclub book, we all were going to read it anyway.  Soon after she mentioned the book, I started to hear about it everywhere - the news, other people, store windows, facebook. I read the trilogy last month (not having a computer is making blogging more slow - so my review will not be as comprehensive as it could have been right after I read the books). 

After reading the series, I began to talk about it because I had issues with it.  I was the only one out of the few friends I know that had negative things to say.  People were shocked that I didn't love it.  I'll tell you why.  Here are my top three reasons:

1.  The writing was atrocious.  It read like an 8th grade paper, which is great for all those people who stopped reading after school, and finally picked up a book again because of all the hype.  On top of the lousy writing, it was way to repetitive.  I understand the writer wanted to highlight certain terms or whatever - but reading it over and over and over and over and over was really annoying and distracting.  Am I being too harsh? No, just because I read close to a book a week - I want MORE out of my book.  There are other books out there about sex, love, overcoming issues, etc.  So why was this one so popular? I am struggling to understand. 

2.  The sexiness.  I found that many young people and very naive people enjoyed this part immensely.  I am not saying I am very experienced - but I have experimented a little bit and I have about 14 years of sexual experience.  I found it to be a bit unrealistic in (many) parts and the WOW factor of the toys was not that shocking to me.  I found that I was skimming through the sex scenes because they were not that enjoyable for me. 

However, as I was reading it, I could understand why so many people would want more out of their relationships...desire is important (I wrote a post about that months ago).  I have no doubt that this will put into people's heads they are not happy in their relationship and start cheating or getting divorced, only to not find what they imagine could happen (remember, this is a fictional book).  Sure, there are a few lucky few that have that passion and steam, but a majority of our population will not have that indefinitely.  And for goodness sake - don't wait until you read a book to create steam in your relationship...do that for yourself anytime.  I struggle to wonder how I am single, when I seem to be the only person who understands what it takes to want/have a very healthy sex life on top of a great relationship  (it is not impossible).

3.  The story, while not the best, I kept reading. I wanted to finish the series, I wanted to know if it got better and I wanted to be able to talk about the book to other people.  After all, I read all the Harry Potters, Twilight & Hunger Games. It is hard not to read a full series, I need closure.  I enjoyed book 3 the most because they had a that little bit of action in there.

So there it is.  I did not enjoy the books that much.

Cherries

I have been eating a lot of cherries lately. They remind me of my childhood; we had a cherry tree in our back yard.  While it was great to indulge in this snack, most of the time the squirrels for to them before us.

Anyway, today while eating cherries, I realized what they look like - the head of a penis.  Why have I never noticed that before?

Germs go away

Want to hear a funny story?

My sister came down to visit for a few days last week; she also went to the doctor and found out she had strep throat and was taking a high dose amoxicillian.  I barely saw her because I was so busy, but one evening we were eating and filled the dishwasher. We were going to run it the next day.

A few days later I realize we are out of cups and plates so I empty the dishwasher.  A few items were still dirty so I hand washed them, but we've been having some problems with it.  I use the forks, cups, and plates.  Then the next day, I find out the dishwasher was not run - how could I not know? Well, they really prerinse everything anyway.

Last night I made out with manfriend with a little scratchy throat, but he was willing to get that because 'I am worth it'.  But this morning I woke up so sick.  I don't get sick days/vacation yet. I had plans with my family friends for the fourth, and was bummed to not go.  I went to the urgent care and he said it looked liked strep, and put me on amoxicillian.

What a fun day off from work.

And ok, the story isn't really funny - lesson to everyone...germs stay around a while.  Clean those dishes well when someone is sick!

Today was the day

Today was the day I thought I was going to meet my future husband.  I convinced myself this last night and even showered at night to make sure my hair looked great today. I put on a pretty green dress, brought shoes to work and sprayed a sprinkle of perfume.  Yes. Today was the day. 

Two of my coworkers and I went out to lunch, surely I'd meet him there? Work closed at 2pm in honor of the July 4th holiday, maybe I'd meet him on my walk to the train.

And it is supposed to happen when I don't care right?  So cop#1 and I have been flirting intensely and ManFriend has been very attentive and told me lots of interesting things the last two days.  If that isn't screaming I shouldn't meet my fh now, I don't know what is.

But so far today, no future husband. And I find I am quite disappointed.   

A little deeper

It is interesting how the body adapts.  Once a long time ago, I was with a man who was above average in penis size.  My body took it in in all ways, and it was not a big deal.  But then over the course of the last nine years ago or so, I was with penises average and below average.  My body adjusted accordingly.

But what happens when you surprise your body with big again?  You had the same one before, my body should take it all in.  But sadly, it does not right away; it takes a little work, some miscomfort, and a little break.  And of course multiple occasions to get back up to par.  But what is there to not like about all that practice?

Mount Royal

I summited my first mountain.  I would be very proud of myself, except this mountain was really a hill:   Mount Royal peaks at 764 feet.

I walked from my hotel to the mountain, walking the last two blocks up before getting to the 'mountain' was the most strenuous incline.  Once getting into the park, you have two ways to get to the top - taking the stairs or walking the pathway.  I decided on taking the pathway up so I can see parts of the park and the stairs on my way back down.  Frommers was correct in estimating it would take about 45 minutes to get to the top. 

The park was designed by Fredrick Law Olmstead, the guy that designed among other things - Central Park and property at the Biltmore Estate.  Although I have to say, the park was a little more 'boring' than other parks.  The gradual dirt path brought me around to beaver lake, a nice green area, a lake and a restaurant.  This was a very nice area where people would gather; it was very relaxing.

A short walk from beaver lake, you reach the lookout.  Truly a wonderful view of the city.

And about a 15 minute walk further is the cross.  There was a little construction in that area so I couldn't get much further than getting the picture below.  

I took the stairs down the hill; they were quite steep, and I can understand why people go there just to walk to the top. 

http://www.montreal.com/parks/mtroyal.html

My turn as Vanna

Part of my job description is to manage Board operations and with that comes several things I find amusing. 

During our Board meetings, I sit off to the side next to the podium where am in charge of the slide show.  Yes, you read that correctly, I hit the button to move to the next slide - and take notes for the minutes of the meeting.  I suppose one could find that difficult to keep up with the speaker, but 90% of my speakers read off the slides, so it is quite apparent when the slide needs to be changed.

Another of my duties is to stand on a stage during our optional black tie awards ceremony.  I was not sure what to expect my first time, but I wasn't nervous.  My boss sent me up on stage at the very beginning - and I positioned myself in the far back corner because I was not the main person to look at, I was trying to blend in.  So, I stand there during a 10 minute speech - the only other person in the room standing.  I had no idea if everyone was looking at me wondering who I was and why I was on stage.  I smiled, I fake smiled, I stopped smiling because I thought maybe I looked fake. I tried not to move because I didn't want to appear shifty.  I led the audience in applause after the speech.  There was a very brief award given out, where I presented the gift to the person who handed it to the recipient, and then it was time for an eight minute speech, where I again positioned myself in the corner, my feet/legs starting to shake in my heels.  At last my time came.  I felt like Vanna White except I wasn't elegantly walking back and forth across the stage, but was handing the gifts to the presenter to present to the award recipient and scooting backwards so I was not in the picture.  Luckily they stopped allowing the recipients to say anything, they just posed for a picture.

Flaunt those legs

I have been wearing a lot more dresses and skirts at the new job, but I am still not comfortable sharing so much skin.  I think my lower legs are my best feature but I do not have much experience wearing something shorter than my knees. 

When I sat down, the skirt was half way up my thigh, and all day I was distracted by pulling my skirt down.

What are you self conscious about at work? Where do you draw the line on how much skin you show?

squatting over toilets

Whenever I move, the first thing I do is replace my toilet seat. I want it to be mine...not have been used by so many people.


When you travel, do you sit on your hotel toilet?
I am not all that consistent.  If I am at a seedy place or a public restroom, I definitely do not; I squat or lay toilet paper on the toilet.  It isn't super comfortable to squat and poop, but I have done that before too when I am just so disgusted or know it will be quick.  I have good intentions to squatting or placing toilet paper on a toilet everywhere, but sometimes after a flight and a cab or shuttle ride I get to my hotel room, the first thing I would do would be to use the bathroom - then I think 'oh crap, I forgot I didn't want to sit on the toilet' but at that point, I already did it once, so the harm is already done. 

Is the harm done?  Or should I start laying down the paper when I remember to protect my butt from the butt germs before me?

So if your answer was a NO, then what about when you go to a friend's house?  There have been many times I have squatted over my friends toilets.  Should I wonder if I should be friends with these people if I can't sit on their toilets? Of course, I also have a few friends who are cleaner or who I feel more comfortable with and I have never thought about squatting.

Why is this such a thing for me?  Whenever I move, the first thing I do is replace my toilet seat. I want it to be mine...not have been used by so many people.  So why is it that I am

Poutine

I was sitting at the hotel bar, waiting for my french onion soup, minding my own business (since I have a hard time socializing with strangers), when a guy comes and sits near me.  We start chatting because the odds of us both being staff was 98% and it is always 'safe' to talk to colleagues.  So he drank his beer, I ate my soup and then we both finished around the same time, he and his other friends invited me to go for poutine with them.

I had no idea what poutine was, and I just had soup for dinner, but I thought - it would be good to go out and get to know some colleagues.  I was proud of myself for going out of my comfort zone.

We get to the restaurant, Frite Alors! on St. Catherine and the atmosphere was super laid back.  The place was only had 4 other people in there at 9pm on a Saturday night, but it was recommended by the hotel concierge.

Poutine La Boucane

I enjoy trying the local flavors of places I travel to, but I was a little cautious with the fries.  It turns out that poutine is french fries smothered in gravy with cheese curds.  Then you can get other varieties that also include onions, peppers, smoked meat, peppercorns, etc AND they have several varieties of mayonnaise based dipping sauce.  I do not like mayonnaise, so I did not order this - but they did have a nice variety that if you did like mayonnaise, I am sure you would enjoy the sauces. 

So they bring out my 'petite' bowl of fries.  There is no way I was going to eat the whole thing (although I was the only one at my table to not eat the whole thing and they also got small sandwiches with theirs and a slightly smaller version of the basic poutine). 

It was interesting. I liked the gravy on the fries, and I love cheese - and this was my first time having cheese curds.  My variety was extra cheese and there was also peppercorns , which I was not expecting.  I did try the variety with the smoked meat on top - it was not a lot of smoked meat in proportion to the amount of fries, but the meat had an excellent flavor.

I say give poutine a try if you are in Montreal or other areas where it is a common food, even if it is only a small taste.

The mini size was about $7, the petite ranged from $8 - $12, and the larges were a little more but I don't remember and can't find the menu.

L'Original

L'Original in Montreal has a limited menu, but the items were quiet delicious and the presentation of everything was nice.

I started off with the mixed salad with buffalo mozzarella, walnuts and red grapes with a delicious truffle dressing.  The salad was really good, I normally put red grapes in my salad, but what I thought really made it was the candied walnuts and the dressing. 

For my entree I ordered the bison osso bucco.  I never had bison before, so I was not sure what the meat was going to be like; I was pleasantly surprised.  The meat fell apart with the fork, the quinoa was good, and the brussel sprouts were decent. It was a nice size, I had three pieces plus the bone marrow (which I did not eat).   I gave half of one part away so my co-workers could try it and I still had a little bit left in my plate when the waiter took it away.

One colleague ordered the grilled elk steak with wild mushroom and bacon salsa.  I tried a tiny piece of the elk, and although it was a little more rare than I would choose (he explained why they cooked it that way), I still found it pretty good; although I enjoyed mine more.

I also tried the octopus special, but I can say that I am not a big fan of octopus. I ate a smidgen of the small piece she gave me.

The restaurant smelled like vanilla (my favorite smell), and the atmosphere was a little dark & rustic but nice.

wishing to share work trips with a special someone

It was about the time I started blogging that my ex told me he was going to go on a work trip with me.  He even bought a ticket (he emailed me his confirmation) but then a day before departure, he changed his mind.  I was pissed, I mean, I could have asked someone else. 

This time around ManFriend told me he was 'seriously' considering coming to Montreal with me for a few days of my trip.He loved this city since he spent so much time here in college.  After our incident a week or two ago, I assumed he wasn't going to come & asked a few other people if they'd like to come, but to my surprise he said he most likely was - and he was my first choice.  Up until the day before I left he was still a maybe.  I arrived in Montreal I sent him an email asking if I was going to be alone or not, he responded - but not to my question.

How do I attract these people? I mean sure, I don't need him here, and either way it would not really affect me - since my schedule is quite busy, but it still would have been nice to know if I'd have someone to have dinner with one night or someone who could drive back some of my stuff.  Surprises is nice, and it would have been wonderful if he just showed up, but just not saying anything isn't nice either.  But instead, I will get to sleep well since I don't have to worry about his sleep apnea noises.

Oh FH, where are you? I am hoping I meet you this week!

Zippadie do da

Last weekend I tried Ziplining...you know, in case I ever go on the Amazing Race, I need to have this skill.  No, in all seriousness, I purchased a LivingSocial deal in October thinking it would be fun, and since it is on my list of things to do if I ever go to Costa Rica, I wanted to know what I was getting myself in to.

So the place was in Hyde Park, and is very much a beginner course.  There were I think 8 lines.  The group was small (ours was 6, but the max is 8) and two staff.  The staff were wonderful, for first timers, they did ALL the work, they attached us to the line, caught us, removed the thing from the line, attached us to our holding spots...everything except the ride.

I was much happier that our group was all newbies, so we all respected the time it took to build up courage that first time when we left the platform.

We also had 2 Tarzan ropes to get down to the ground with...that was a bit scarier than the zipling.

Two of the platforms we reached by climbing up a firetruck ladder, so we weren't really too high up (ie - if we fell, we probably would have survived in 98% of the course)

Little by little, after each segment, we all started to relax and enjoy ourselves a little more.  On the 7th ride I went off the ledge backwards, and from 6-8 I used one hand to steer myself.  I don't think I every let go completely, I should have...but it just gives me a reason to go back.

Problems packing

Why does it take me so long to pack? I started preparing for my trip days ago, I got out a suitcase, I tried on some clothes, I threw some charges, papers and other things I needed in a pile...and it has been sitting on my living room floor for at least 4 days.

But I can't pack too early because I don't want wrinkles, I need makeup and other things; this process is too long!

I wish I had the ability to just throw things in a bag without trying them on or wondering if they go together. And of course the shoes are perfect for whatever is inside the bag.  I envy those people.

What about the weather...umbrella, light jacket, gym clothes?, realistically how much 'free time' and how does that translate into # of outfits.  Do I really need to pack two black suits,  and a blazer (and skirts and 1 pair pants), but then again I need four work outfits and a dress.

I love traveling.  My last job was easier because the trip duration was different, but after over packing this trip, I will have a better understanding for my future trips. 

Tea leaf reading: take three

I headed down to Katie's Cottage for another tea lead reading; I am averaging every six months.

This time I wasn't thrilled with it, but it could be that 70% of my reading was about Man Friend - how we met, where we hang out, the type of 'relationship' we have & why, that he is an honest and genuine guy, his job, etc.  Then she said "don't get mad at what I am going to tell you", doesn't that get you curious?  She continues "he is not the man you will marry" so I smile and laugh and say I know that!  And she continues that I need someone more intellectually stimulating, and that my intelligence far exceeds his (which I have been noticing this past month and became another red flag). 

She told me I will have a great summer, and will meet the future husband soon.

I will sell my condo and buy a two bedroom place much faster than I think.

As for the job, she reassured me this was a great move, that I am really good at what I do, I have ambition and want to climb the ladder. I will gain the respect of coworkers and clients and make $125,000 in next few years (quite a large difference from now, in case you were wondering).

She said my mental and physical health are fantastic, and that the mental part improved drastically in the last year or two.

I will enjoy my free time in Montreal (I am not sure if she was alluding to me meeting fh there), and something about going to a beach and buying a red bikini.

The others in my group had good readings, everyone was very happy.  Now it is time to wait then look back to see how much was true.

Even though this was my third time, the husband thing has been very consistent as has been that I will be financially stable.  There was no mention of a future wedding, family, or relocation this time, but I am OK with that since other parts are starting to fall into place.

For past posts on the tea leaf readings, click on 'fun' on the tags

A constant headache

I used to be a headache sufferer. It was bad; headaches almost daily for weeks at a time. Then I was in the rebound headache cycle where my body was reliant on pain medication and if I didn't take anything my headache would come back.  This went on for years. 

About 3 years ago I broke this cycle. I started suffering through the headaches refusing to take anything.  Soon enough the daily headaches started to go away.  I was shocked with how much better I felt, and was saddened when I realized that I allowed the headaches to take over my life and cause me to stay in bed.

Sure, I still had a few migraines and other headaches but they were less frequent. And when they went away my life got back on track.

Unfortunately the last two weeks I am experiencing the headaches again.  I haven't taken anything but I lost a whole day today because of the pain.

So why did they come back now?
Is it allergy related? I've been wondering that for a while. Many people get watery eyes or sneeze, I think I get headaches.
Is it man related?  Sure the last three weeks have been more up and down then I'd have liked. But I really hope a 'friend' doesn't cause me that much stress as the last man.
Is it dietary? I have been so busy the last three weeks that my do.need have been filled with carbs or sugar.
Is it hormonal?

What I need to remember is to not let them take over my life again and maybe next year I'll get a brain scan.

My BMI

My company had a health fair, it was very lame, but I did wait in line to get my BMI.  There was a guy in front of me who appeared trim, and his score came pack high, so I started getting nervous. I have been battling my weight since my mid 20s. I have been trying to eat better, but I don't exercise.  My weight has fluctuated +/- 6 pounds each month this past year. And I have massive breasts.

I provide the lady my height and weight and then I hold this device with both hands and a few moments later a number appears. (I am very curious how this works)

My number was 27.3% body fat. The healthy range for my age is 21-33%. And I have 23.5 pounds of fat in me - half of which I hope is boob. 

Lifestyle Board

Back in October my book club decided we were going to make lifestyle boards.  The first quadrant (top right) is career and ambition, the second is family and entertainment, the third is travel & leisure and the fourth quadrant is nostalgia.

Essentially you are selecting pictures that represent items in the categories (example: I might have a skyline of NYC but it might represent a large city or certain games - but it represents any board games, not necessarily one or two of them).

When we started out I thought the hardest quadrant would have been nostalgia, but I was wrong, the hardest part for me was my career & ambition.  I really don't know what I want to do, sure I want to volunteer more, but what else? I struggled with this for months.  The easiest quadrant for me was travel & leisure, and I still didn't have enough room.

This exercise was fun and really made me think.  I recommend that you make one too.

Bad electronics week

I think my Roomba is dead. Well, he turns on, but be does not move. I am not sure how to fix him, and I am sad that soon I'll have to push a vacuum around my room.

Then on Monday as I was two sentences into a blog post, my computer clicks at me, freezes and then does something similar to electronic death, only two and a half years young.  The laptop was in great shape, for the most part I was the only one to use it, I didn't abuse it or drag it with me everywhere I went.
At least my phone & iPad still work so I will be able to post something short once in a while.
But isn't it always the worst timing? Here I am trying to pay off my credit cards, the last thing I needed was to make these purchases, so I probably won't for now.

Then tonight, I took my work computer home, so I can do some work and become familiar with remote access for an upcoming meeting, and it took me an hour before I was able to get the thing on/working. I was stressing out that I broke a work computer too. 

I really need someone in my life to help me troubleshoot.  Sorta ManFriend is a little help, but he likes Apple, and my brother in law is awesome, but very busy (he gets my personal laptop this weekend).  I hope my fh has some knowledge in these areas.

Of course, train

I snuck out of work early and caught an earlier train, but as a lesson, fate had the train loose power not once but twice.  We were told to get off the train and wait for the next train.  I will probably get home only 5 minutes early instead of the 60 minutes.  Of course.

free babysitting still requires courtesy

When you ask me to do a favor, babysitting from 5:30 - midnight on a Saturday...the least you can do is either have some dinner there for me to eat or leave the takeout menus and at least a $10 bill so I can order dinner when the kids go to bed, and supplement the cost.  I sacrificed an evening and I don't eat dinner at 4:30 on a weekend.

I'm just saying.

What doesn't kill you

I don't listen to the radio very often, but today while I was getting ready I did, and I heard a Kelly Clarkson song about being stronger and I started to sing along.

It is a little poppy - but the message is clear and simple: what doesn't kill you makes you stronger.  We all have life experiences that are difficult, and some how we make it through.  When we do, we are a little stronger and we have new knowledge so when something happens in the future, we can be a little more prepared.

I think everyone can relate to this.

Kelly Clarkson - What Doesn't Kill You

You know the bed feels warmer
Sleeping here alone
You know I dream in color
And do the things I want

You think you got the best of me
Think you've had the last laugh
Bet you think that everything good is gone
Think you left me broken down
Think that I'd come running back
Baby you don't know me, cause you're dead wrong

What doesn't kill you makes you stronger
Stand a little taller
Doesn't mean I'm lonely when I'm alone
What doesn't kill you makes a fighter
Footsteps even lighter
Doesn't mean I'm over cause you're gone

What doesn't kill you makes you stronger, stronger
Just me, myself and I
What doesn't kill you makes you stronger
Stand a little taller
Doesn't mean I'm lonely when I'm alone

You heard that I was starting over with someone new
They told you I was moving on, over you

You didn't think that I'd come back
I'd come back swinging
You try to break me, but you see

What doesn't kill you makes you stronger
Stand a little taller
Doesn't mean I'm lonely when I'm alone
What doesn't kill you makes a fighter
Footsteps even lighter
Doesn't mean I'm over cause you're gone

What doesn't kill you makes you stronger, stronger
Just me, myself and I
What doesn't kill you makes you stronger
Stand a little taller
Doesn't mean I'm lonely when I'm alone

Thanks to you I got a new thing started
Thanks to you I'm not the broken-hearted
Thanks to you I'm finally thinking about me
You know in the end the day you left was just my beginning
In the end...

What doesn't kill you makes you stronger
Stand a little taller
Doesn't mean I'm lonely when I'm alone
What doesn't kill you makes a fighter
Footsteps even lighter
Doesn't mean I'm over cause you're gone

[2x]
What doesn't kill you makes you stronger, stronger
Just me, myself and I
What doesn't kill you makes you stronger
Stand a little taller
Doesn't mean I'm lonely when I'm alone

(When I'm alone)

Taken from AZLyrics.com

Yankee Stadium not e-reader friendly

I can't say I am a huge baseball fan, but my ManFriend is, so I bought some Yankee tickets.

Unfortunately I got to the game about an hour late (yikes) because I ended up on a local B, that didn't go all the way up, and it took 15 minutes so for the D train.  Then on top of that, at bag search, my Nook was rejected...so I had to pay $10 to keep it in a store across the street.  I think it is insane that other things are allowed inside the stadium (Camera, sealed bottle of water, personal snacks) but a nook/kindle is not - I have the first edition that doesn't even have Apps on the device.  I read with it on my commute everyday, what a hassle, but at least I know for the next games - and will read a paperback that week.

I was told that taking the 'train to the game' was easy...but turns out it does not start until May 17th.  So it took about 90minutes - 2 hours to get home.

Oh, and bottled beers are $9 and draughts are $12.

the other path

I saw the 5 Year Engagement with Jason Seigel.  It was decent enough, but what I wanted to relate it to was my relationship with SI.  There were two people that seemed perfect for each other but life's turns made a relationship difficult and they split up.  They dated other people.  And when life's turns started changing, they sought each other out again.  That is what I thought SI and I were supposed to do four years ago.  I wanted to give him time to do what he had to do, but instead, he never came back to me.  I think it was more of a pride thing and facing reality of my family and me and what he put us through.  It would have been worth it, if it worked.  However, please note that that is NOT the life I would want now.  I liked our relationship...but him...I would never put myself in that position again.

SI stopped reading my blog a month or two ago...or he stopped working where I knew he used to work, one or other other.  It upset me a little knowing that his time is better spent on someone more important than to keep up with my life.  But I can't blame him - I wouldn't be able to hear about his life with out getting upset because I have no doubt that the last 5 years of his life has been drastically better than mine.

It is sad after all this time, he still pops into my thoughts.

this blur of life

I fear another dap of depression is kicking in.  You'd think that things have been going OK with me the last few months - that I'd be happy - but I am not.  Is it hormonal? Is it stress?  Is it chemical?  Is it disappointment?

I have my 'tool box' of things I've learned over the last year of life coaching - and while it is good stuff, it is stuff that when I am laying on the couch doing nothing, it not motivation for me wanting to be happy. 

I am tried of living in this blur of life, constantly waiting for the next chapter or the next thing to look forward to.  I am not content here - and keep wishing my life away with things that may or may not come. 

I am still not ready for medication - although my primary care phsyican recommended it - because I don't want it to be a band-aid, a temporary fix.  I want to kick the depression completly without medication.

All I can hope for is that each round of depression I will have will get shorter and shorter and that the time between get longer and longer.

falling down

Reader, I am sorry to say that I did it again.  Even with all my past experience, and lessons I thought I'd learned, I still did it.  Shame on me.

Things with ManFriend were going well.  I mean, I actually at times, thought that maybe I could like him.  I know things are missing - but for the most part, I was tolerating the stuff that was lacking.  And some days I felt more connected than others.  Part of me wanted to like him more, but I was scared...I mean, I haven't liked anyone since SI and that was so long ago.  I have tried really hard in the last six years to not get hurt like that again, and how do I do that? Well, I shut people out and I didn't date.  This sorta dating thing was a big deal for me - it was time to get back into the groove and build my confidence and hopefully at some point, be in a full-fledged relationship.

My problem arose from my bad past relationships. I've been hurt more than anyone should have been - not once but twice with the second time being so unnecessarily brutal, that I was not sure if I could ever recover.  A lot was riding on this sorta-relationship.

So it really upset me that just two weeks ago, ManFriend told me he missed me when we didn't see each other for a week, and now we've let almost two weeks pass without seeing each other AND there was a huge lack of talking in between.  When he came back from his trip, he barely reached out to me. I had to ask if he wanted to get together, and he was a little wishy-washy about a date.  I knew from the past that I shouldn't have to chase a man, if he wants to see me then...he'll ask to see me. My problems in the past, I wonder if it was because I was up their butts all the time that maybe I was overbearing, so this time around, I am trying to play it cool - but don't forget this sorta relationship is cool too. 

Where did I go wrong?  Well, I believed him when he told me he missed me a few weeks ago and wanted to hang out more, even take a trip somewhere.  I thought maybe this sorta-relationship might actually become more than a secret.  But it must have just been him being horny.  And unfortunately once I had it in my head I wanted a relationship - I wanted a relationship. 

So, my advice to all the guys out there is -- do not tell girls things in the moment that you don't really believe. Because we think about what you said, and we become hopeful and look forward to it, and then you crush us.  BUT, it could all have been avoided if you didn't say anything. I was FINE when you didn't say anything, I was content.  I wasn't looking for more than you were offering - but once you offered it I wanted it. I can't go back.

It got me thinking - I WANT a relationship.  A real one.  I am not fine with seeing someone once a week. I am not fine with just hanging out at their apartment. I am not fine with no cuddling. I am not fine with no sleep overs. I am not fine with doing it once.  I am not fine with paying for the dinners.  I am not fine with not following through.  I am not fine with lies. I am not fine with saying things and filling my head with ideas when you don't mean it. 

That last one is the biggest for me.  SI did that to me all the time - talk about emotionally damaging (after 5 years).  I can't deal with it anymore.

This week when I didn't hear from him, it upset me and I tried a different approach to get his attention and then he got pissed.  When we saw each other it was awkward - he was mad at my immature attitude and I was mad that I was neglected.  So we had a very brief discussion - but because our issues were on different things - I don't think it will help.  So then we tried to kiss and make up...but that was a disaster. I asked afterwards if our time has ended - and he didn't reassure me not, but also didn't reassure me that things will be fine.

I am torn between ending it and just waiting it out.  I am not sure I can get over this.  And, on top of it - when I was there, he got a text message from a woman that said something like "call me soon, I miss your sexy voice" and something else I don't remember.  So even though just two weeks ago he told me he wasn't dating anyone else - that fits more in line with all the 'evidence' I have seen in the last few months (2 wine glasses, seeing each other once a week, etc).

I want to cry - not because this is over. not because I am sad about it. I am just so frustrated with everything.  I don't know how I am the unluckiest person in love.  My time is coming though, I know it is. I just have to make it there.

In the mean time, I know I have to stick to my gut - take no BS from any guy, don't accept vague answers, and be brave enough end things when the time is right.

Cinema Suites

Living in New York could be expensive - rent, groceries, paying to park everywhere, etc. How else can you compare cost of living across the country?  Let's look at movie prices.

A price of a movie is generally $12, $19 for 3D, and $6-$9.50 for a matinee. We are talking about a regular movie theater or maybe, if the theater is newer - stadium seating.  Sometimes you can find 'director's seating' where you have an assigned larger seat, but that is about the only difference - and is it worth the extra few dollars?

When I was visiting a friend in the Midwest, the weather was crappy so we decided to go to a movie.  While it was an AMC theater (one I frequent regularly at home), they had this other type of theater called the Cinema Suites.  Check it out:

Talk about cozy!  The seats had a foot rest that comes out so you can stretch out, and from all the seats you are able to see the screen really well.  The seating is limited and assigned when you purchase the tickets - so with popular movies you should definitely purchase the tickets before you leave the house to help prevent the movie from selling out.

You didn't have to worry one bit about the person's head in front of you, or getting up if someone needed to visit the restroom or concession stand.  The seats were comfortable.  You get all this for $12 or $9 for an early showing.  So I was curious, how much was a regular theater in the same city in the Midwest (something more typical of where I live) and the ticket was $6 or only $4 for a matinee.

Now let's talk about movie theater food - the nicer places by me offer a variety of food & drinks.  No more just popcorn, candy and soda.  Now they offer nachos, hot dogs, coffee and a few other things.   Everything comes in different sizes and prices could range from a small popcorn at $5 to a large at $10, drinks averaging about $5.50 and honestly I am not sure how much candy, coffee or food goes for...but I figured why would I want to eat a hot dog or subpar food at the movies?

The Cinema Suites has a menu by your seat - and a call button to call over a server to take your order.  They had aside from the popcorn, candy and soda - specialty alcoholic drinks, beer (buckets, pitchers or bottles), appetizers, meals and desserts.  Apparently the food is actually really good too.

I had an iced tea and split the veggie hummus platter.  The drink was $4.50 and the hummus platter was about $9. 

What a fantastic experience.  I really enjoy going to the movies and there is no doubt that I'd go to more movies with all these luxuries.

Important enough

So my first day of work, I am talking with my supervisor, and he hands me some papers and then a box.  I was shocked that he handed me my own business cards.  He not only pre-ordered them so I'd have them on my first day, but thought I was going to be important enough to need business cards.  I've never had personalized business cards.

I also received a work laptop.  The laptop hooks up to the monitor/keyboard while in the office, and then should I need to travel or work from home, I have the tiny laptop with access to all the work stuff without having to go through a site like logmein.

AND, on top of all of that, on my third day of work, I was informed my Blackberry was ready...what? A work phone? I don't want one of those...constant contact with clients and coworkers? They didn't mention that in the interview, hopefully it won't be all that often because I need to focus on my personal life and this whole 'my family' thing, and while work is important, so is my after-work life. 

My new space

It is hard to adjust to a new space.  My old office - yes, that is right -- office, was small but with a window and a door.  I was not sure what kind of new work space my new job would provide me.

I was not shocked that I didn't have my own office, but a cube instead.  Although, a cube suggests four work areas...where I don't quite have that.  This work area was actually a little bigger than some of the other ones on the floor.
Although this is a bit temporary...our offices are actually moving in a few months.