falling down

Reader, I am sorry to say that I did it again.  Even with all my past experience, and lessons I thought I'd learned, I still did it.  Shame on me.

Things with ManFriend were going well.  I mean, I actually at times, thought that maybe I could like him.  I know things are missing - but for the most part, I was tolerating the stuff that was lacking.  And some days I felt more connected than others.  Part of me wanted to like him more, but I was scared...I mean, I haven't liked anyone since SI and that was so long ago.  I have tried really hard in the last six years to not get hurt like that again, and how do I do that? Well, I shut people out and I didn't date.  This sorta dating thing was a big deal for me - it was time to get back into the groove and build my confidence and hopefully at some point, be in a full-fledged relationship.

My problem arose from my bad past relationships. I've been hurt more than anyone should have been - not once but twice with the second time being so unnecessarily brutal, that I was not sure if I could ever recover.  A lot was riding on this sorta-relationship.

So it really upset me that just two weeks ago, ManFriend told me he missed me when we didn't see each other for a week, and now we've let almost two weeks pass without seeing each other AND there was a huge lack of talking in between.  When he came back from his trip, he barely reached out to me. I had to ask if he wanted to get together, and he was a little wishy-washy about a date.  I knew from the past that I shouldn't have to chase a man, if he wants to see me then...he'll ask to see me. My problems in the past, I wonder if it was because I was up their butts all the time that maybe I was overbearing, so this time around, I am trying to play it cool - but don't forget this sorta relationship is cool too. 

Where did I go wrong?  Well, I believed him when he told me he missed me a few weeks ago and wanted to hang out more, even take a trip somewhere.  I thought maybe this sorta-relationship might actually become more than a secret.  But it must have just been him being horny.  And unfortunately once I had it in my head I wanted a relationship - I wanted a relationship. 

So, my advice to all the guys out there is -- do not tell girls things in the moment that you don't really believe. Because we think about what you said, and we become hopeful and look forward to it, and then you crush us.  BUT, it could all have been avoided if you didn't say anything. I was FINE when you didn't say anything, I was content.  I wasn't looking for more than you were offering - but once you offered it I wanted it. I can't go back.

It got me thinking - I WANT a relationship.  A real one.  I am not fine with seeing someone once a week. I am not fine with just hanging out at their apartment. I am not fine with no cuddling. I am not fine with no sleep overs. I am not fine with doing it once.  I am not fine with paying for the dinners.  I am not fine with not following through.  I am not fine with lies. I am not fine with saying things and filling my head with ideas when you don't mean it. 

That last one is the biggest for me.  SI did that to me all the time - talk about emotionally damaging (after 5 years).  I can't deal with it anymore.

This week when I didn't hear from him, it upset me and I tried a different approach to get his attention and then he got pissed.  When we saw each other it was awkward - he was mad at my immature attitude and I was mad that I was neglected.  So we had a very brief discussion - but because our issues were on different things - I don't think it will help.  So then we tried to kiss and make up...but that was a disaster. I asked afterwards if our time has ended - and he didn't reassure me not, but also didn't reassure me that things will be fine.

I am torn between ending it and just waiting it out.  I am not sure I can get over this.  And, on top of it - when I was there, he got a text message from a woman that said something like "call me soon, I miss your sexy voice" and something else I don't remember.  So even though just two weeks ago he told me he wasn't dating anyone else - that fits more in line with all the 'evidence' I have seen in the last few months (2 wine glasses, seeing each other once a week, etc).

I want to cry - not because this is over. not because I am sad about it. I am just so frustrated with everything.  I don't know how I am the unluckiest person in love.  My time is coming though, I know it is. I just have to make it there.

In the mean time, I know I have to stick to my gut - take no BS from any guy, don't accept vague answers, and be brave enough end things when the time is right.