cycle

The last two weeks have been difficult, but now, now I am a little depressed. Not surprising of course.  All the thinking I've been doing, I am not shocked about this.  But the good thing is, I know it is happening so I won't get as depressed as I have been in the past.  I just have to remember all those 'tools in my toolbox' to help me through this time.  And as much as I need to pull out of it, I feel like I need a little time to wallow a little.

The depression isn't from ManFriend anymore, it is about me.

I have lots of baby showers coming up, a wedding, and of course all the other people out there that have life events...and I still don't.  I keep saying that I am OK if I end up alone, but that isn't the truth.  I was excited getting to know Mountain Man and I was hoping for this whirlwind romance and was disappointed when I realized it wasn't remotely close to that.  I read books and watch movies and they all have these romantic happy endings; is it so bad to want that?  Is it bad that I want to love again, even though I barely remember how wonderful it was.  Of course it isn't, which is why I am sad...because I don't know if that is possible.  Maybe I had my one chance and blew it. Maybe that was it for me.

I was cleaning out a junk drawer today and I found a picture of SI that I used to keep in my wallet, one of my favorite photos of him.  I start to wonder what my life would have been like if it wasn't like this.  What would it have been like if I ended up with Cop#1 or SI?  Would I have children? Would I be happy?  Would I have been more fulfilled?  No point thinking about it.  don't want to make myself crazier than I am.

This is what I got, and I just need to figure out how to make the most of it.   I feel like it is a cycle, I do well, time passes by, I am somewhat content, get a little hopeful, and then a new round of depression.  So I know I'll be ok again.  I just need a bit of time.