insecurities and endings

Mountain Man asked me a simple question "Do you pay your life coach money, or is sort of a friendly advice kind of thing?"

I responded:

Yes, my life coach gets paid, not a lot because I am kinda broke…but she does it on the side.  What I like about her is that she is educated (MBA) and she is single in her 50s.  I can relate to her.  She does know most of my family….but remains objective when I talk about them.  My mom introduced me to her in my early 20s when I was lost about a career.  I saw her a few months and that was it.  But two years after my breakup, I needed someone else to talk to so I reached out to her and have spent two hours once a month for the last 5 years or so chatting with her.  It started as getting over depression, working on myself, regaining some self-esteem, finding ways to get out of the fog, etc.  It was slow, but I benefited a lot from it.  I’d go through cycles, so last year after the end of my manfriend, I was better equipped to handle my feelings/issues.  Most recently I haven’t had a lot to talk about, there is only so much I can say about waiting to move, my job, my lack of friends, applying for jobs, my family, etc.  I am probably beyond stressed out because I noticed I am shutting people out, but with my 5 years with her, I know what needs to be done on my end.  The reality is, while I think I’ve kind of figured me out, in the areas of my path, things I want for my future, how to grow from my past…I probably need to talk to a shrink about my intimacy issues since that is a problem I am not really sure how to fix.  How sad is it that sex with someone scares me and then I under perform because I am so nervous. It has been eight years, you’d think I’d have gotten over it by now, but I haven’t.  And unfortunately most guys won’t wait around more than 10 attempts before I become comfortable enough with them to enjoy it (and with that comes better performance).  The last guy told me I was in his top 2 ever and he was with a lot of women (sure it took a while to adjust to the way he liked it and it did suck at the beginning, but I figured it out and then it was great, even if it was for under 5 minutes)….shouldn't that be enough to make my confidence soar?  But no, because with you I totally bombed again.  Hence why I don’t have sex with many people, or just keep going with people I am familiar with. It is sad that someone can mess you up in such a way that it messes with you years and years and years afterwards.  Ah the joy of emotional abuse.  Even that guy, after everything he did to me to get me where I am now, he still continued to sleep with me for a while afterwards so again, that should say something…but it doesn't seem to help me.  And I shouldn't need to have a drink or four to be with man in that way the first time, but sadly I do.  I find it interesting that after relationships end, people go crazy and sleep around – maybe in a way that could be helpful, but it was never something I did.  Now I just am very uncomfortable with the whole thing, and therefore in the last month I've struggled more with the fear of being alone for the remainder of my life – and anyway, part of that is life-coach help related, but part of it probably isn't.  While I probably don’t need her anymore, I keep thinking I am moving soon so like everything else, it would come to its natural end but that is taking a little longer than I had planned for/expected.  Why should I be surprised? Very rarely do things go as planned.

Well, now you know way more about me than you ever wanted to.  I guess I’d like to say that I don’t want you to feel like you have to continue to talk to me.  Unlike you, I do believe in fate, and I've wondered why we met; for what purpose.  And I think I for me, it was so I’d get wrapped up in this moment that when my manfriend told me about the cancer I didn't drop everything to help him (how sad) or that I wouldn't have slept with a co-worker in San Diego and/or to experience a part of the country I wouldn't have otherwise to realize there are some decent men out by the mountains.  It was a lot of fun in the summer through the fall. I really looked forward to our chats and everything, they brought a smile to my face daily and was something I looked forward to.  But with what you said about your commitment issues and my desire for a whirlwind romance that I might be incapable of but desperately need to escape my current reality, I know it wouldn't go further than this.  And I think I was latching on because of my desire to escape.  I am not even sure if there was physical attraction on either end.  it was very obvious in January that you weren't interested and your emails or texts have seemed forced since then.  And the last thing I want is to be a chore you feel like you need to get over with.  You are a really interesting guy, I can honestly say I haven’t known too many like you, which I guess was my big draw, you were so completely different. And I need different.  Thank you again for all your help over the last few months, I really appreciated it.  And true to our word, I have no regrets ;) well, maybe just one, but that is a totally me needing to be better about enforcing condom use.

If you ever want to check in, please don't hesitate to send a message.  And if I am completely off base and you actually do enjoy chatting with me still, then by all means, continue.  And if not, well, I wish you the absolute best and good wishes for your future.  

Clearly I have a lot going on.  All I needed to say was "yes, I pay her". But instead I found myself typing away.  More to myself than for him, which is why I have a blog. I know I can't send this email to him and because of that I haven't responded to him in a few days.

be my angel

ManFriend,

This past month has been harder on me than I thought it would be.  A day hasn't gone by where I didn't think about you and teared up or cried.  The hardest part is my guilt for not doing enough for you, but how could I because I had no idea how sick you were.  I've struggled with the fact that I didn't even make the list of those to be notified, and then wondered if I ever meant anything to you.

But then I keep getting flashbacks from when we were at the bar and you looked me in the eye and you told me I was your angel, that I was always there for you when you needed someone.  

And I always felt it wasn't enough or that you didn't appreciate me.  And because of that, I resisted telling you I loved you, because I wanted to feel that.  But of course I loved you....which is why I was so upset about you giving my earring to another woman...because you apparently took no time to be with someone else and I still loved you.  What if I didn't resist,  what if f that didn't happen, maybe i would have been by your side to help you when you were sick.  Or maybe that is why you didn't tell me, because you knew I would have done everything I could have for you.  And I keep wondering if stress is what brought the cancer back, and if so, I am I partially to blame? After all that ----- job came through my school's listserv and I forwarded it to you.  That was the beginning of the end for us...and maybe you too :(

It is crazy I am this torn up...I mean we had such a messed up, strange somewhat stressful, non-relationship.  From causal to love. A love that neither of our families even knew about, but not because I was embarrassed by it or anything. I don't know why.  So of course no one gets why I am so upset, we broke up in May/June of last year.   I've only loved two guys, and well, you were the most recent.  

If you've been watching me struggle this past month, you know that I talk to you sometimes.  Well, today I decided that I did a lot for you for that year and a half you lived here.  Now it is your turn to do things for me, show me that you actually cared about me and weren't using me.  I am calling on you to help me through the next year and a half....you will bring people to my (our) apartment, someone will love it and buy it at less of a loss than they are predicting - and soon, you will guide me through my move, assist me with finding a really great job that pays well, maybe some friends and most importantly, you will bring me to my future husband.  You will guide my way, it's your turn to be my angel.  I will know then that you loved me in your own little weird way and we'll be even.  ;)  And if you were behind me passing my certification test too....you get brownie points :) thank you.

Now come on, let's get to work.  Time to change my life.

xoxo,

Denise 

neighborly help

One of my biggest issues is my lack of friends...and for a single person, friends are a bit of a requirement.

I have a few friends but they are married with kids so I don't really hang out or talk to them all that regularly.  Bank Boy is probably my only non-married friend...but he usually brings up the fact he wants more.  Over the last few years, I've bitched and complained that I want better friends.  Ones that will go out of their way once in a while for me, like I do for others.

So imagine my surprise when I got a fever last night and needed some Advil or Tylenol.  I was too weak to move around too much or go out, so I messaged two of my neighbors to see if they had anything.  They both responded very quickly.  One came over with cold medication, which I didn't need, and claimed he was at CVS and would pick some up...coincidence?

The fact that someone would leave their nice warm apartment to walk to the store (OK, so it is just around the corner) for me is kind of amazing.  I couldn't stop thanking him for his actions.

Apparently my being nice to others does eventually come back around to me.



(although while I was waiting for my delivery, trying not to fall asleep, I messaged Mountain Man to chat with me.  He started to talk about the weather out there.  Hmm, weather is a topic that people bring up when they have nothing to say to the other person...just more clarity that is done.  So I thanked him and wished him luck, in everything.)

Review: Patagonia Hi-Loft Down Sweater Hoody

For those of you on the East Coast, you know this winter started off quite cold and then became quite snowy.  The extreme cold was what made me realize I needed a warmer coat.

I bought several coats from several different manufacturers in a variety of styles and colors to decide what I like and what would keep me warm.

My favorite was Patagonia's Hi-Loft Down Sweater Hoody.

When I first tried it on, I was surprised to see that it looked more marble than white.  This was due to the fact that you can see the feathers through the shell lining.  I wasn't thrilled about this, but figured the coat was still worth a try.

Patagonia

On my first day of wearing it, the morning was about 22 degrees that felt like 12 degrees.  Under the coat I was wearing a cotton 3/4 sleeve shirt and jeans [normally, if I wore that, I'd have had to wear some arm warmers under my 'regular' coat and if I remembered a scarf].  But with this coat, I didn't need arm warmers.  It kept me warm on my walk to the train and to work.  I really liked the arm hole area that gets a little tighter so with gloves, air does not go up your arm, keeping you warm.  My hair was down, and the hood fit mostly well, helping to keep the wind and cold out.

The coat itself is super light, which is a fantastic feeling that you are warm but don't feel like a big puffy marshmallow.  And even though it is light and compact-able, it is filled with 14.6 ounces of feathers.

The downside?  Stock was selling out and of the colors that were left (a pink, a blue and a white), I liked the white better.  I never had a white coat before, it seemed versatile and wintery.  Unfortunately, as a woman who wears makeup, I realized that if I put the hood up, makeup will rub against the trim...and I don't cake makeup on.  I started to wonder if I can really keep this coat, unfortunately the coat is practically sold out everywhere so I can't exchange for another color (that I like enough).  Perhaps the coat without the hood would be a better option for me, but then I'd have to buy a hat.

A new winter activity for me

I decided around November/December that snowshoes would be a good thing to have.  And wallah, I got a pair for Christmas.  Then they sat in my closet for over a month....even though we had quite a bit of snow.  Unfortunately the snow always came during the week and would melt by the weekend or I was busy so I couldn't get outside.

Well, finally this weekend I had absolutely zero things planned and figured now was the perfect time.

The parks had about 12 - 18 inches of snow.  I wasn't sure if that was going to be too much to snowshoe on because I'd sink...but then I thought, well, the mountains get a lot and people snowshoe there, so maybe this was a great amount of snow to snowshoe in.

But I did keep falling through the snow.  And talk about exercise to keep lifting my legs up so much!  But it was a fun early afternoon, getting some fresh air and exercise.

And now that I've done it once, I should be OK to do it alone.  And the great thing about it is that you can do it virtually anywhere there is snow.

But let's be a little honest, as much as I love hiking, and that is essentially what snowshoeing is but on snow, I enjoyed cross country skiing better, even though I struggled with it a bit.

vday reruns

Unfortunately no matter what you do, you can't escape knowing today is Valentine's Day.  For couples, its not a big deal, you do the card, maybe flowers or a special meal or a special gift; you are re-declaring your love for each other...or just going through the motions and obligations.

For singles, it is just another day.

I am not the kind of single to out out and pick up men and have one night stands.  So for me, this day, is a typical Friday.  Which, sadly, tonight, is to work on a puzzle, finish my book, and blog.  Oh, but I threw in over-eating just for fun.  While I work on the puzzle and eat, it is nice to have on something in the background, so I flip on the TV.  Just like last night, tonight, so many of the syndicated shows are all about Valentine's Day.  They just keep playing the valentine's day shows in season order.  I don't know why because those of us that are watching tv are those that are single, alone and/or depressed.  Watching all these shows isn't helping pretend today is just another day.

a child isn't the answer

Would having a baby make me a little happier?  

My parents offered me the option, should I want to get pregnant, they would help me with childcare while I was at work.  My parents know I would make a fantastic mother and they accept that I may not find a man to share that experience with.  They also realize how old I am getting, my window for having a baby is drastically reducing.  What a wonderful thing, to have such supportive parents.

While I have longed for a family, I can't say that the thought of being pregnant alone is appealing to me nor is having a baby for the first three years.  I figured if I was alone, I would adopt.  

But, that isn't enough.  Sure, childcare is helpful, but where would I put the kid?  I have a small apartment that has been on the market for 10 months. The reality is that I can't afford a child right now ... or really the accommodations that I would need.  

So, while my parents offer is so kind, I am declining it.  Having a child right now isn't the answer, even though I am sure my life would seem more fulfilled.

Let's just hope this apartment sells soon...I think once it does, I can think about my future a little more and put some things into action. 

cycle

The last two weeks have been difficult, but now, now I am a little depressed. Not surprising of course.  All the thinking I've been doing, I am not shocked about this.  But the good thing is, I know it is happening so I won't get as depressed as I have been in the past.  I just have to remember all those 'tools in my toolbox' to help me through this time.  And as much as I need to pull out of it, I feel like I need a little time to wallow a little.

The depression isn't from ManFriend anymore, it is about me.

I have lots of baby showers coming up, a wedding, and of course all the other people out there that have life events...and I still don't.  I keep saying that I am OK if I end up alone, but that isn't the truth.  I was excited getting to know Mountain Man and I was hoping for this whirlwind romance and was disappointed when I realized it wasn't remotely close to that.  I read books and watch movies and they all have these romantic happy endings; is it so bad to want that?  Is it bad that I want to love again, even though I barely remember how wonderful it was.  Of course it isn't, which is why I am sad...because I don't know if that is possible.  Maybe I had my one chance and blew it. Maybe that was it for me.

I was cleaning out a junk drawer today and I found a picture of SI that I used to keep in my wallet, one of my favorite photos of him.  I start to wonder what my life would have been like if it wasn't like this.  What would it have been like if I ended up with Cop#1 or SI?  Would I have children? Would I be happy?  Would I have been more fulfilled?  No point thinking about it.  don't want to make myself crazier than I am.

This is what I got, and I just need to figure out how to make the most of it.   I feel like it is a cycle, I do well, time passes by, I am somewhat content, get a little hopeful, and then a new round of depression.  So I know I'll be ok again.  I just need a bit of time.

questioning fate

I've always believed in fate; things happening for a reason.

fate

  [feyt]  (dictionary.com)

noun

1.

something that unavoidably befalls a person; fortune; lot: It is always his fate to be left behind.

2.

the universal principle or ultimate agency by which the order of things is presumably prescribed; the decreed cause of events; time: Fate decreed that they would never meet again.

3.

that which is inevitably predetermined; destiny: Death is our ineluctable fate.

4.

a prophetic declaration of what must be: The oracle pronounced their fate.

5.

death, destruction, or ruin.

But maybe that is all rubbish.  Maybe I believed in that because I needed to justify all the bad & good things that have happened over the last 10 years.  But maybe there is nothing more to it.

Maybe people coming into our lives aren't because they are supposed to be there or because they are teaching us life lessons.  Maybe it is just chance that they are just there, that we don't gain anything by having them in our lives.  I need to stop wondering what the hidden meaning is; stop looking for something that will justify my actions; or stop remaining hopeful that people/things come to me for a reason.

But what kind of satisfaction is that?

I am cursed; my brain over thinks and I over analyze.  I am trying to justify things but who knows if it even matters in the scheme of fate. I'd like to think it does, because it will mean I remain hopeful.  And I need to be hopeful because it has to be better than before.

runaway

I ran away.

Ok, maybe I just escaped real-life for a few days.  I knew I'd come back, unfortunately.

The death of ManFriend was very difficult for me (as you've read) plus I guess I realized nothing was going to come of Mountain Man, another dose of realization that I most likely will end up alone, both of which saddened me plus other personal stress.  It all kind of happened at once.

So I was spontaneous and last Wednesday I booked a flight to Florida for Saturday - Tuesday.  I have family friends down there who graciously offered me a place to stay for a few days.

My first day, they brought me to Naples pier and a stroll on 5th Avenue. Dinner we had at Sophia's, which was excellent!

The second day we spent at the beach...it was 86 degrees!  That sure beat the 7 inches of snow we got back home!

Day three we toured Marco Island, Sanibel Island and Captiva.

And day four was travel back home day.  I was sad to leave the much needed sunshine and relaxation.  Something about being back home makes me sad and depressed.  I am not sure how long I can live like this, in this sad blur.  I need to make changes.