dead mail

After Kevin's death, I noticed that his siblings would continue to write on his Facebook wall.  Their postings always bringing tears to my eyes.  I thought it was great that they are trying to understand what happened and why and hoping for some sort of closure.

This morning I sent ManFriend an email.

I knew sugar and cancer aren't friends, but yet, I made you cookies anyway, you always liked when I baked for you. I didn't know what to do after we spoke on the 3rd, but it didn't sound good...i just didn't realize how bad it was.  you made it sound like you'd be around longer, you said I can visit in a few weeks.  But it happened only 9 days later.  I was too late.

Neil, you were so special to me.  I don't want what happened in June to taint everything else.  I hope you knew how much I cared about you.  You were only the second guy I loved.  You will always have a special place in my heart.

You taught me about golf, football and passion.  We kissed so amazing together - it was addicting.  Your face alone was able to cheer me up after a tough day.  I am so glad that fate brought us together.  i think we really helped each other during some of our dark days.  I did everything i could think of to cheer you up, and I always felt like it was never enough.

I understand why you didn't tell me, or anyone, how sick you were.  I can't imagine having those conversations with people.  Dealing with not only your demise but their grief too.  I should have told you that night how important you were to me; but I think you knew.

Your life on Earth was too short, and I hope you look down from heaven and realize how many people's lives you impacted.  Our sadness will fade but we will remember the memories.

love, always,

denise

It made me feel better. I sent it with the subject line 'goodbye.'  If his family is accessing his email, they might think I am crazy, but maybe they understand that everyone wants to say their goodbyes. Actually I read an article many months ago about a site for that purpose.  I get it.