it isn't about missing him

I am still having these insane thoughts about ManFriend.  I certainly don't miss him, but I find myself having conversations in my head.

As I am scrambling to the train, walking fast, I think, if I saw ManFriend and he wanted to stop and say hello, I'd blow him off saying I was late meeting up with someone, yes bozo, a man, who else would I walk this fast for?

Sometimes I think maybe he still has a key and when he is up visiting his family with his new lady at his side...because yes of course she will meet them when I didn't, that he'd stop here thinking it was vacant and I'd be sitting on the couch eating my pint of ice cream (no, I don't really do that) and he'd think he has it better than me, and make me feel horrible that I am still alone and clearly miserable without him...even though I am eating that ice cream because it is hot.

Unfortunately living in the same apartment he did, I am still getting junk mail in his name.  I will probably for 5 years.  I can't escape it.

I can only hope that I haunt his thoughts as well.  Every time he lights those candle I got him during the hurricane, puts on the survivor bracelet that I had made for him, puts a book on the bookshelf that was mine, puts his feet up on the coffee table that was mine, spends money in the grocery store because I used to buy him groceries, when he eats another woman's food and isn't as yummy as mine was, after parties he doesn't get leftovers...and remembers how great that was that I gave him piles of food, if he attends bar trivia and sucks...he'd remember that we came close quite a few times, that he new breasts he plays with aren't as big and delicious as mine, and that another woman isn't picking up fast enough how he likes his sex, etc.

It isn't about me missing him.  It isn't about a heartache.  And it isn't about revenge.  It is about him knowing that he played me and treated me like crap intentionally and feeling a little bad about it and me wanting him to realize that.