eviction

My apartment is still listed for sale. It has only been two months and the Realtor wants me to drop the price by $10,000 even though it hasn't been shown more than 30 times.  After discussing the options with my family, they all agreed it looks better with furniture in the place than it does empty.  I agree, it does look a little bigger, but I don't have a lot of extra furniture to stage the apartment and I am not going to spend a lot of money on furniture that I may not want for my next place.

It was decided that I had to move out and live there. While my parents went about this in a sort of nice way...I know this isn't the only reason they want me out.  I am a quiet tenant. I do all the grocery shopping and about half the cooking. I keep to myself.  What more could they want?

But two weekends ago, ManFriend came over.  He was supposed to pick me up to take me to dinner, but he wasn't hungry even though I was. And when he saw me he tried to devour me, calling me irresistible.  We didn't go out; instead we went inside to my room.  We had our customary 3 minutes of sex and then we laid in bed chatting.  I heard the garage door open - my father was home.  We stayed in my room/living room chatting and then my mother came home.  One of them had to park in the street since his car was in the driveway.  90 minutes or so later, I walked him to his car and he left (the last time I was to see ManFriend).  Then thirty minutes later my parents left for dinner.  They didn't make eye contact with me.

So this weekend was the first weekend we were all home since that day...and I am sure that while they know I am an adult, they are not comfortable with me seeing men in their house, especially while they are home.  They might not say it, but they want me out so I can carry on with my shenanigans without them knowing about it.

The problem however is that ManFriend is over and hence the sex has ended.  If I am going to live by myself, I will need to find a man to copulate with, make good use of the living alone situation.

"So, Denise, when are you going to move all your stuff?"  "I have a few days off coming up, maybe then" I replied. "hmm, maybe we will move you on Tuesday while you are at work" said my mother.

I am not going to move everything I own back over there...I am going to keep it simple.  They even suggested that I come over every weekend so I can cook in their kitchen and only bring enough clothes for 2-3 weeks at a time.  I am excited to live alone again...and even though that apartment is great, I know I am being crazy for not wanting to stay there longer.  But between buying it to get over SI and the last year and a half with ManFriend and the noise - I don't want to be there more than I have to be.  Time to move on.  Better things are waiting for me.

I am special

Just yesterday I posted about the blank paper that ManFriend sent me and how I longed for something written, maybe a little reassurance,that I was a great person.  Today, I was cleaning out my starred email and I came across the forgiveness email I sent to SI back in 2010, I couldn't resist reading it.  Even though the email is 3 years old, it was powerful and brought tears to my eyes.  I was very in tune with my issues then.  One day I wrote about how to forgive, then spent the day and night writing it out  The next I sent out him my an email explaining to him that I forgave him.  My forgiving email to him was long, but was about as truthful as you can get.  And his response was what any woman would want to hear, "You are by far the kindest, gentlest, most caring woman I have ever met. And I hope that you find someone who deserves you. And I would be so upset with you if you settled for anything less. You're fun, outgoing, thoughtful, creative. Anyway, I can't make up for what I did or how I treated you. I'm sorry for that."  and "You are a gem among rocks. You are beautiful and kind. Fun and forgiving. Understanding and thoughtful. These qualities are not common. In anyone. You are special. And you deserve the best, every day. And you deserve to be told these things, every day. Don't settle. Ever."
I know it was probably very hard for him to say that, but then again it was four years after the fact, so maybe not.  But it was what I needed and I think that was our last correspondence, and I do really think it helped me.

So, this got me thinking, can you forgive someone without so much time passing?  Do you need to forgive everyone that wrongs you?  And do you need to forgive someone before the rest of your life goes on?

I really hope not.  I am not about to reach out and forgive ManFriend via text/phone/email, but I don't think he is worthy of me to halt my life. I am not devastated by what happened, my life isn't paralyzed like it was with SI.  I suppose in my head I can forgive him, but I have no need to tell him I forgive him for him wronging me.  ManFriend was the rebound (not even) that I needed to bridge my gap between SI and the next person that I hope will be the other love of my life.  ManFriend was brought into my life for a few reasons - so I can be more comfortable around men, to test my willingness to love/care for another person, to test my tolerance for asshole behavior, and to open my eyes to different ways of being intimate.  That is it.  Sure, I said I loved him a few times, but like I said in previous posts, it was a different kind of love; it was no where near the kind of love I felt with SI.  And of course that love with SI is the kind of love I am looking for and hope to find again.

I know I am 'special' and have some amazing qualities...I just wish I could find a man that realizes it and appreciates it before we are over.  Still hopeful.

beauty and brains

The last two months when ManFriend lived here, we went to the local bar for trivia night.  You didn't win much....a pitcher of beer or an appetizer for the bonus questions or a round of drinks for the final win...but it was fun.  We had a good balance, he was great with the art, music, history and sports and I was good with the common miscellaneous information, science, children's literature, math and some geography.  But we always came in second place....and he would get mad...and so it became a challenge and we kept going so we can win.  Even when he moved away, he said he wanted to go back (with me) so we can win - of course that didn't happen.

Well, tonight after a wake, I asked two of my girlfriends if they'd want to go to trivia night, lift our spirits...and they did.  And we WON (total we won 2 appetizers and a round of drinks - but we only used one of those)  The last round was tough and we knew we lost our lead but we won by one point...but we did it.  We all knew many of the questions, and I have to say we all chipped in and knew answers the others didn't (out of 50 questions I think we got about 39-43 of them correct).  I can't tell you how happy I was.  I wanted to text ManFriend and be like 'you might have had sex or are in a relationship...but the first time playing bar trivia without you I won...THAT is an accomplishment!'. And I know would have pissed him off because he tried so hard and he was always dwelling on the few questions that we got wrong...would talk about it for days or until the next time we went.  Of course I didn't text him because we aren't on speaking terms...which is why I had to rush home and tell you, my readers.

A little 'revenge' that he will never know about, but that is OK, I know and I am thrilled.

final payment

A last update on ManFriend.  After he told me about giving my earrings to another woman, I messaged him I wanted my money for the furniture and another $100 for the earrings by the time I returned from Indianapolis.

Unfortunately, over the last week, I thought about what kind of person I am and how I let people take advantage of me, but not wanting to change because of how a few people have treated me.

I am a very moral person. I believe in doing the right thing.  And it REALLY upset me that someone would just take-take-take.  Especially because asking for $400 was nothing compared to what was really owed to me...I thought I was being nice and really giving him a break.  Anyway, I struggled with considering small claims court...but since he moved states...that might have been really difficult. I thought about filing a police claim for theft, but it seemed so petty. I considered just going down there and taking it back, but I am a scardy-cat.  And really, it was only $400, small amount of money...and it wasn't the money I wanted, but him to PAY it. I know, it is wrong.

One of the first things I do when I got back to town was check my PO box, but there was no check.  However, it arrived today at the place I am currently staying for $300.  I am happy I don't have to worry about small claims.  But he found another way to piss me off, one last time.  OK, so he decided to send a personal check not a cashier's check and he dismissed the earrings.  whatever. I did wear them all the time and they were about $80 from one of those home jewelry parties...but really not a huge deal, I have them in copper too.

But what annoyed me was that the check was folded in a blank piece of paper in the envelope.  There was no note. Back on June 7th he said 'never mind the nice card I bought for you'...that he wanted to send the check to me with. I wanted that card. I wanted an apology. I wanted something.  Even a thank you for being patient or for the bargain furniture.  Not even a 'here you go'.

Another friend did this to me once. Sent me a check in a blank card.  No note.  I don't understand why people do this.  Are you so pissed off at me that you have to send me money?  That money is rightfully mine.  In a way, I perceive that action as they blame ME for whatever it is.  And I don't speak to that other person anymore either.  Is ManFriend so pissed off at me that he owed me a super small amount of money? or it could be anything ranging from knowing I would never speak to him again, that he fucked another woman or fifty and felt guilty that he was still attracted to me, or even that he knew I wouldn't drop it.  The best part...now that I have the money...I really don't care anymore.

I feel like a huge weight/distraction has been lifted. I feel better.  I know I'll never speak to him again, and I am finally OK with that. I am going to try that prayer to St. Anne again and very soon, my future husband will come strolling along.

Hotel towels

Hotels have these signs in the bathroom asking guest to ne cautious of the environment and if you agree, hand the towel on the rack and it won't be washed.

I don't need to use a clean towel everyday so I usually elect to put my towel on the rack as instructed.  However, especially at the nice hotels, the towel is never on the hook when I go back to the room. Instead all the towels are nicely folded on the rack.

I know they aren't drying my towel and refolding it before adding to the other few towels.  So I question why they ask me to make this decision to not abide by my wish.

At the particular hotel I am at, a JW Marriott, the bathroom has a nice look, but there is only one hook in the bathroom, and that is holding my used towel.  There is no place to hang my hand towel or my clothes when I shower or if they are wet from the gym.  It is a little frustrating.

my issues are unavoidable

I read about my astrology chart on the day, time and location of my birth.  A lot of my current 'issues' are because of the date/time and location of my birth.  They are, apparently, unavoidable.

Here are some highlights:

You tend to rely on the power of attraction to bring people to you, rather than aggressively pursuing love interests. There is some vanity involved here--you are most attracted to people who express interest in you, or who respond well to your charms! You are not the type of person who overtly pursues people who appear to be indifferent to you. You are not competitive in the aggressive sense of the word, and you are not someone who loves a good chase. Instead, you work your charms and draw people to you. Your ability to attract others (Venus) is very much tied up with your ego (Sun). Because Venus rules all things feminine, both sexes with this aspect tend to be quite attractive.
          I don't pursue men.  

Endowed with generosity and friendliness, in some ways you appear to be lucky in life. You attract good things with a positive frame of mind and a charitable disposition. Rarely entirely "down and out", you are usually well-received, helpful, and well-informed. You may enjoy travel and have a special affection for foreign places and people. You're generally not very competitive, and for the most part not combative either. As a result, you are usually well-liked. You are usually good-hearted, possessing strong morals and much faith in life and in people. You prefer to find the good in situations and in people. You don't have a lot of patience with those who break the rules, as you generally believe in order, equality, and the law. You usually make good on your promises, and the sincerity you exude can be trusted. Looking on the bright side is your forte--people can turn to you for a pleasing dose of faith and optimism. You are quick to chuckle and can't resist any appeal to your sense of humor. 
          I am usually optimistic these days...expect for the bouts of depression I get when I realize I am letting myself down.  I am competitive when it comes to games but not in personal relationships. I have very strong morals and people piss me off when they can't follow rules.  

Because of their strong attachment to, and memory of, the past, others may complain that Moon in Cancer natives tend to whip a dead horse. They may dwell on hurts long after everyone else has moved on. When they feel they have been taken for granted (which may be often!), they don't always confront others directly. This is when they can use roundabout ways to get your attention. In fact, these natives, when they are insecure, can become quite manipulative. They can also be victims of habit. These people can have a hard time compartmentalizing their lives, simply because their watery Moon tends to know no boundaries. Sometimes, as a result, they may act irrationally
          Hmm, yeah, dwelling on hurts long after everyone else moved on....Hmm, I was wondering why I had that problem.  Thinking people take me for granted...YES!  I guess it is unavoidable and will continue to be my problem for a long long time.

One of the most delightful characteristics of Moon in Cancer people is their loony sense of humor. These people can be extraordinarily funny. Their moodiness can baffle others, but their unique outlook on life is something most people can appreciate. When treated with tenderness and understanding, Moon in Cancer natives return the favor with warmth and protection. Give them security, and you'll take the crabbiness out of the Crab, at least for awhile. These people are wonderfully dependable overall, despite their occasional mood swings. Make a friend of Moon in Cancer, and you will be taken care of for life. 
          I don't know if I'd say my sense of humor is loony...but many people tell me they love my sense of dry humor. They think I am funny...I am not sure if I am.  When I am treated well, I am the nicest person ever.  When I am taken advantage of or ignored....I get crabby.  I will take care of people I love   to no end.

She wants to know the bottom line, and is good at scoping out a situation and finding answers to problems. In fact, she is a problem-solver, and will spend a lot of time helping others solve problems if need be. Very friendly and usually positive, she can be charming in a warm way. Enthusiastic speaker, speaks with authority and sincerity. Great sense of organization. Playful. 
          Bottom line...YES!  Cut to the chase already.   I love to solve problems and I speak with authority and sometimes people think I am offending them.

Venus in Leo loves to court and be courted, and they need to feel very special. They are warm, generous, and even grand. Though really quite loyal to their partners (remember that love is THE most important thing in Leo's life), they thrive on attention from the opposite sex.  
          Holy crap...it was the date and time that made love THE most important thing in my life? No wonder I am obsessed.

It is hard for Venus in Leo people to separate love and sex, and even their most erotic fantasies are infused with love and affection. For this reason, few Venus in Leo folk would last long in a relationship that is mostly sexual. On the flip side, they may last longer in a love-only relationship in the absence of satisfying sex, but they are unlikely to feel very satisfied
          Yes, clearly I didn't do well with a casual sex relationship. I need to have that connection to make it feel good.  I've been in relationships where I wasn't satisfied but I stayed.

Pleasing Venus in Leo involves paying loads of attention to them. If you're willing to make only one adjustment in your ways, it should be to remind Leo how wonderful they are. Respect and appreciate them, always.  When Venus in Leo feels loved and appreciated, they reward you with loyalty, a big sense of fun, and plenty of physical expressions of their love
        Of course, yes, I need to be appreciated  especially after I give so much to other people. I want to know someone cares about me as much as i care about them.

She is very generous and altruistic, helping people in difficulty or sick people. She knows how to listen or, at least, how to give that impression. She is a dreamer, with lots of imagination.
          dreams, goals...its all the same. I think big.  and I have quite an imagination.

She is serious, sober, thoughtful, pays attention to detail. She likes to be with older people
          I like older people.

These are actually somewhat shy people who need time to analyze things around them before they warm up to both situations and people. This quality can be received exactly as that, or it can be received as a rather stand-offish, cool, and even critical manner. One of the biggest personality traits of this position is body-awareness. People with Virgo ascendants are sensitive to any discomfort or other signals their body gives them.
          I keep my distance when I meet new people. I feel them out to see if I like them before I talk to them.  I seem sand-offish, but I am not. Just cautious.

Mad at myself

My mind races and I am mad myself.  I can't stop thinking about what manfriend  said to me last week.  I want to forget it, but I am can't. I have conversations in my head all day long.

I have conversations in my head that brings tears to my eyes about the kind of relationship he is in....gifting gifts to other women?   I mean, I didn't get shit.  His he really at that point???? Or maybe he needed to lash out and be mean so I would withdraw?  When I talked to doofy he said he would do this so she seemed more in control even though that is what he wanted. 

So why would he want to drive that screwdriver further into my heart?  What did I do to deserve such backlash? I was nothing but nice and he felt he needed to disintergrate me.  I guess it worked because it has consumed my thoughts for days. 

I am mad myself because I allowed him to sleep with me and now I wonder what kind of skank he has been with and i've convinced myself I have a std. I feel uncomfortable 'down there' even though it might be nothing.

I hate that I allowed myself to be drawn to kissing manfriend to allow it to continue.  I hate that I allowed him to have two minutes of unprotected sex so he can release.  I hate that he IMed me a few weeks ago about why he woke up with a hard Dick later realize it was because the woman he was with didnt fulfil him. 
I hate myself for thinking two minutes  of sex was acceptable because I was blinded by the intamacy of kissing.
I hate myself for making the same mistake.

Cell phone lot

"Cell phone lot? Never heard of that. Hmm.  That must be an area where out of towners park their car and call for directions" said a 50 year old woman to her husband and adopted daughter.

I laughed so hard silently to myself.

I guess one thing going for me is I travel, I travel alone, I am naive in the area of man, but not common traveling sense. 

Even if you don't know what a cell phone lot is...or other common traveling things, don't say it out loud in public, you will have a target on your back for people to take advantage of.  I don't want to see people's trips be ruined because of something so simple.

A cell phone lot is an area for where cars go to wait a plane's arrival. Once you deboard and collect your luggage, you call your ride who should be patiently waiting in this lot, and they go and pick you up.  The reason for this lot is so the airport drop off area keeps moving. If everyone went to the doors and waited there would be a worse traffic jam than there already is.

maybe I can get away with that too

I asked ManFriend if he remembered the first time we went out.  We shared some serious stuff that night.  I probably wouldn't have shared so much if he didn't shock me and tell me what he did.  So, when he asked why I was single, I gave him the abbreviated version - something like....well, I was in love with this guy who I thought I was going to grow old with, only he had a double life and cheated on me for a few years, then continued to mess with my head for a few more years.  Then I smiled, as if it is a casual everyday thing. I had to, if I didn't I would have shed a tear.  I brought this up with him recently because I was curious...what does a guy think of me when they hear something like that?

Do they pity me or do they think hmm, maybe I can get away with that too.  ManFriend seemed annoyed that I asked him this question, like maybe accusing him of doing something similar.  I've learned that if a man gets defensive, he usually has something to hide.  Regardless, I still wanted to know, so I pressed him for an answer.  He asked me what kind of man would think the second option?

I asked for a decent reason.  See, when I dated Cop#1, I was infatuated with him.  I didn't quite love him yet, but I was falling for him when he broke up with me.  We continued to see each other, and unbeknownst to me, he started dating someone else...and moved in with her, and was engaged to her....and yet, he was stringing me along.  It hurt.  I wrote about this and I was very forthright about it when SI came along and he wondered why I was slow to open up. He said I was like an onion, he had to keep peeling layers to understand me.  I was in a loving relationship so at some point it all came out.  And...with what happened between us, I have been curious if he did what he did because someone else did and saw me as an easy target.

ManFriend and I continued to talk about cheating.  He is a bachelor for a reason....he may not want to be tied down.  He believes in loyalty and wouldn't cheat if he was in a committed relationship.  I am the same way. I can't sleep around.  But he said that it isn't just the cheaters fault, but the other person's as well for driving them away.  I was a little annoyed by that, but realized he was probably right.  It is something I have thought so much about in the last 7 years.  And something I feel guilty about (don't get me started on my issues of guilt...I have no reason to feel guilty for what he did, but I do a little).  What did I do to drive SI away?  I remember one time when I was in the car driving and we were chatting on the phone and he basically told me he wasn't attracted to me anymore and that I was fat and ugly.  I think I weighed 140 pounds at the time...but I also have a Fcup. I cried a lot the rest of that car ride.  He told me to  join the gym or to exercise.  Oh, do I need to tell you how much weight HE gained?  No, I won't go there.  I don't think my looks can drive someone away as something I intentionally did.  I do understand that people loose attraction for each other...whatever. I still am attracted to the three guys I dated, and the few guys I had a crush on.  I know my attraction grows on me because I am not selecting a gorgeous guy to begin with.   Anyway, I am curious, but I guess I don't really want to know.

So I've been pondering....for future guys, when they ask about my past, maybe I am not supposed to tell them what happened to me, at least not until I know they'll stick around or I know they won't hurt me in the same way.  I think it is important to open up, it shows the other person you trust them and it will help them understand who you are and maybe some of your insecurities so they'll prove they aren't like that.  If someone did that for me, I know I'd feel more loved.

****FYI, I wrote this over the weekend and scheduled it since I was so busy this week - so it before all this other stuff happened****

all better

I am feeling a lot better.  The 'stress' of my worries isn't as strong as it was for the last week or two.  I am also questioning my lack of period for being even more emotional than I should be...it's like my body is building up all this emotion and without my period, it is having a hard time releasing it...and then it does and my head is more clear.

A bit of that 'stress' had to do with relationships - friends, men, coworkers, family, etc.  I read my June monthly astrology predictions and it said:

When Jupiter leaves your friendship sector and moves into Cancer on June 25, 2013, you will begin your yearlong preparation for the day Jupiter will enter Leo, July 16, 2014. That moment next year will herald one of the very best years of your life and even better than the one that spanned July 2001-July 2002 when this planet of good fortune last came to Leo. Because Jupiter can only visit Leo every twelve years, this coming visit will be worth all the preparation you can muster. For now, you will begin a process of elimination, clearing out outworn parts of your life. Let go of obligations you no longer feel are worthy of your time, and relationships that have run their course, whether in business or friendship, or regarding a person you've been dating. Add new goals that reflect your evolving maturity, too. You are starting a wonderful new chapter of life, dear Leo.  (from Susan Miller)

What perfect timing...or fate!  So, yes, I know I need to work on eliminating outworn parts of my life.  The disappearance of ManFriend will open me up to meeting my fh and making me happy.  Reducing the friends that aren't there for me, will make me less stressed.

I like to think these past two weeks made me more aware and reinforced things I knew, but put on the back burner.  I have some goals that my life coach suggested that I plan on working on - which only reinforces my maturity.

I am looking forward to the next chapter of my life.  This is the one I've been patiently waiting for for seven years...it is time.  I will be happy.

And FYI - the last time Jupiter was in Leo, I met SI.  So maybe this coming year is when I'll meet the next person I love (well, i hope it isn't July 2014, I want it to be in 2013).

pressure on myself

Do I put too much pressure on myself? Is that why I am having this breakdown?  Doofy heard I was depressed and stopped over and tried to reason with me.  Although you can't really reason with a weepy woman.  Of course some of the things he said I know deep down...and I wonder if I am making a whole bunch of wrong choices.  Like, is it wrong to sell my condo?  I didn't realize it was such an accomplishment to own something.  Maybe I shouldn't sell it, but I just wasn't happy there.  Will I be happy anywhere?

Will shedding my goals make me a happier person?  It seems to go against everything I believe...yet, I wonder if there is some possibility in it.

As Doofy nicely pointed out...I am all talk and no action.  I have not only these goals and grand ideas, but yet...7 years later I have not made much progress.  Unfortunately this is true.  I've done a few little things, but none of the things that really count.  Of course that is depressing, I am letting myself down. I hate to fail.

And what about my fear of commitment? Again, this was re-brought to my attention.  Apparently I have a fear of commitment still.  I haven't seen it as far as a potential man goes, but with other things, like not applying for a board position that I have thought about several times because they wanted a 3 year commitment, or not volunteering in the local community because they want a commitment of so many hours per week.  I don't know where I'll be in three years so I don't do it, but yet, I've been back in this area for 7...I should have done it.  I know that.   And why not now?  I think more than ever, I don't want to be here that long, but will I?  Who knows.  probably, I wonder if I am too scared to move far away alone, even though I have nothing to loose and my situation would be similar.

Of course Doofy said my biggest problem is my lack of faith in thinking I can do things...like meeting friends and talking to strangers.  I know I am in charge of what happens to me and I am accountable for my happiness or sadness, but sometimes doing it alone is so daunting, sometimes I feel like I need a little push.  I know once I break that first scary barrier, it will be easier and I will be more comfortable with it.  It is a struggle to get there.  If only I was more outgoing and people didn't scare me.  I envy people where this is second nature.

Overall it was a good chat, and even though I teared up many times, I think it helped.  Poor guy, I always seem to cry around him.  I am sure, if he had a nickname for me, it would be BasketCase.

**This was written on Saturday, not as weepy the last few days**

a drunk tirade about men using me or shocking me for being so supportive

(I posted this and removed it...but why not share it even if my thoughts are not logical and I am repetitive & I need a better name than OldMan because he isn't 90)

full disclosure. I am drunk. After ManFriend's text earlier today, I knew i still had to go out with OldMan to get drunk. I even contemplated having sex with him...you know 'best way to get over someone is to get under someone'...but I am not that kind of person.

I had a rough day. I cried a lot.  My work friend Karen had to deal with hysterical denise.  My OldMan friend had to witness me cry a few times, my life coach has seen me cry...but not for a year or so.  And doofy the other day was a lifesaver.

I want to thank my one anonymous reader who reached out to my last post and was so supportive. I want to say that it shocked me...I don't have real life friends who are that kind and sweet, so THANK YOU, it brought tears to my eyes when I read your comment.

I feel like I am a basket case right now.   i want to say this ins't me...but i guess it is.  You will read in the next coming days/weeks some of the issues that I am going through, and my 'homework' assigned to me by my life coach.  maybe it will help put things into perspective. I have a lot of figuring out to do with my 'real life'  friends...and if I need to get rid of them. I have to figure out what do I expect from a friend and when is it time to tell them I can't be friends anymore.   I need to set boundaries. I am tired of being disappointed.

I am tired of being disappointed in men too.  I am tired of it all.  I understand and accept it is all my fault and my problem. I let it happen. I somehow allow men to think it is absolutely fine for them to treat me like shit and use me...because I am single and naive and don't know better...no that ins't true at all.   i am single sure, but my issue really lays with me being so sweet and wanting to help people and putting a trust in them that at some point they will reciprocate their actions....and they don't.

that issue today with ManFriend really pissed me off.  First of all..was he kidding? I don't know.  I doubt it. But really, what kind of woman would accept earring willingly if it wasn't a gift.  And is he giving gifts already??? Shit, I  didn't get one nice thing...what did she do to get a fucking gift, even if it is used?   But who tells someone that?  LIE.  I don't believe in lies..but in this instance, yes I do.  Or the omission of truth is fine too.  I am not stupid. I know he will never give me the money he owes me, and I wish I was strong enough to go to NJ and knock on his door and demand to take it home with me.  I looked into small claims court earlier today, and I am not sure it is worth it. I texted Cop#1, I haven't talked to him since October...to see what would happen if I file a stolen goods report.  I haven't heard back.  OK, so I have to accept that not only was ManFriend an asshole, he is a con-artist.  Good for him.  he won.  i am not sure i want to fight this battle. i might just raise the white flag and forget the principles and just let him disappear out of my life. It would be better that way.

Did he play me because the first time we went out I devoldged the truth about my past and told him the secrets to why I am so depressed and un-trusting of men? Did he realize then he would be able to get whatever out of me he wanted because he heard how devoted I was to SI that I allowed him to manipulate and control me for years hoping something would change?

Unfortunately for ManFriend, SI still out beats you.  At least he pretended to show interest in me.  I never hated SI.  I loved him so much that I eventually accepted what happened, even blamed myself.  With ManFriend...I am growing hatred for him.  Not one nice thing i got from that man, aside from a drunk tirade about what an angel I was....but yet it was still fitting for him to throw it in my face he was sleeping around.  I am livid. I am fuming. but I am not 100% surprised either.  He is a man after all.

OldMan friend is so sweet.  He really is nice. I feel bad and guilty. I don't want to mislead him and I've told him as much...but I feel like he is meant to be my friend right now.  Out of all the people I consider friends, the least likely really stood out this week, and I can't thank them enough.

Seriously?

I left a pair of earrings at ManFriend's place when I was there a few weeks ago. I just remembered to ask him for them. 

His response, 'this is embarassing. I gave them to someone else, I thought they were hers. I am not sure if I can get them back'.

WTF. 

I knew he would be having sex with other people...I guess I didn't realize it would have been within the first month of us ending it...but it was probably before. 

And what kind of girl accepts another woman's earrings?

So I responded that she could keep them.  But he needs to send me my money for the furniture and add $$ for the earrings.  He didn't respond, I doubt he will.

I am livid. I mean...he has been messing with my head for the last month, wanting to see me, telling me about dreams that make him hard. He told me yesterday he loved me.  All bullshit of course. He was no differnt than SI or Cop#1. Likes my body more than me.

So, I am not going to see or talk to him again...but I still want my money. Principle more than anything.

coward

So, ManFriend is still obviously very attracted to me.  He claims to miss me, love me and think of me often.  But he said his attraction and feelings for me scares him.  I am sorry but that is the biggest boatload of shit, oh, am I allowed to curse on here? I don't curse often if at all but sometimes it is just so fitting.

So why is that the biggest boatload of sh*t?  Because he has been in relationships before. He has given more of himself to other women. I was completely jipped (aka used) and he'd rather not be in a relationship with me because it scares him that he feels so 'strongly' about me.  He'd rather have a mediocre relationship or none than be with someone that you claim to feel comfortable around and that you are so attracted to?  He'd rather keep himself at a distance than try to love? I don't buy it. Not at all.

And if it is true then he has serious issues.  Way worse than all my issues.  At least I was willing to try to give myself to someone, to open up, to try.

Asshole. Coward. Liar.

upgrading camera thoughts

With my upcoming trips, I was thinking about upgrading my camera so my pictures would look a little nicer. I have one of those Cannon Powershot point and shoot cameras.  It is small and convenient and it works good enough, but I want more for these trips.

I started researching something in the $300 range but was disappointed in what is available and their reviews.  So I went a little higher and found some entry level SLR cameras.  Do I need something so fancy?  No, but I am seriously considering purchasing an SLR camera now after reading reviews and seeing pictures.  It would be a lot more money than I wanted to spend (so much for saving and not spending!)

I don't think it would be a wasteful purchase.  I enjoy taking pictures and I still scrapbook, although I need to go places to do it more often.  Cameras should last a few years so while I might be making a large purchase, over time I won't be so bad...unless I really get into it and need all those accessories.

I've narrowed it down to four cameras.  I've spent a lot of time researching reviews and prices.  My biggest question now is - does it matter where I get it from? You have the usual places - the camera manufacture website and a camera store.  Then you have places like BestBuy and Walmart.  Add to that the wholesale distributors like Costco, BJs and Sam's Club.  And now the cheaper websites like Overstock and Amazon.   So many choices.  For the most part the prices are close enough...except for Amazon.  I could get a really great deal with extras - but what is the catch?  Will the camera die sooner?  Will it be the manufacturers defect? or will it be perfect?

like quicksand

For the last eight years I've gone between feeling OK and depressed.  For the last two weeks or so, depression has taken over my life once again.  I guess it started when my fake younger sister came to me with some concerns and asked me for advice.  I started to think about things for her and for me...well, it was for her and I was wondering why I can't listen to my own advice.  Add in seasonal depression and the 2 weeks of rain we had and all these thoughts lately about fears and insecurities and struggling to find myself and of course a depression/slump is in order.  I've shed a few tears/cried probably everyday for the last week and a half.

I have a few things to look forward to.  Next week I'll be in Indianapolis, in July I am taking some days off, in August I am heading to Idaho/Wyoming, September I am going to Brazil and November is San Diego.  I hate to wish time away, but I am looking forward to getting out of here for a few days...even if most of those are work trips where I'll be working my butt off.  But it isn't enough to help me get out of this depression.  I know the longer it stays, the harder it is to get out. Like quicksand.

I guess I'll have a lot to talk to my life coach about on Monday.

things you don't realize

My aunt posted this on facebook, and while I don't normally share these kinds of things, I think this one touches home for me.

Just something to think about...Did you know the people that are the strongest are usually the most sensitive? Did you know the people who exhibit the most kindness are the first to get mistreated? Did you know the one who takes care of others all the time are usually the ones who need it the most? Did you know the 3 hardest things to say are I love you, I'm sorry, and Help me. Sometimes just because a person looks happy, you have to look past their smile and see how much pain they may be in. 

I had a few really hard years.  I became a much stronger person emotionally because of it, but my feelings do get hurt and I am emotional and I cry, and those feelings stay with me longer than they should...yes, I am extremely sensitive.  

I am so kind to people.  I can give you thousands of examples of ways I've helped people or were there for them when they needed me during both happy and sad times.  I've changed my plans when someone is really in need.  But yet...I don't ask a lot of people in return, and because of that...I don't get help from them when I need it.  People just assume that I am 100% self sufficient.  And while I am very independent  I feel like I shouldn't always ask for help.  Or if I do, I expect people to be there for me...and I am always disappointed   I try not to give as much to people, but then I feel guilty. I can't help people financially, I can mostly just give with support and time and little things that I know they need...and I buy them things that I think can help.  Or the times that my love and kindness radiate and people walk all over that kindness and treat me so horribly - leaving me damaged and scarred.

And yes, it is hard to say I love you, I am sorry and I need help.   I've only said I love you to two men, one I was sure about, one not so much.  I was never first.  The I am sorry is difficult because we are stubborn people.  But as I am getting older, I am starting to say it just to break the tension, even if I don't believe I am at fault or should say it first...I do; because if I've learned anything in the last 10 years, saying you are sorry opens the door to other communication and that is what really matters and it could have prevented more problems.  And yes, saying I need help is very difficult for me. Most of the time I don't want to burden people and I feel guilty.  The times I ask my family for help...is when they know I need it. I am not the little girl crying wolf, if I ask for help, I truly need help.  I don't do it for attention and so people can cater to me.  But I don't like to seem weak and incapable.

Looking happy is not the same as being happy.  I haven't been happy in years.  I have my moments of course where I am happy, and it is an amazing feeling.  And I wonder how I can go through life not feeling like that every day.  To anyone else, I feel 100% fine.  I smile, I dress and act appropriate in public.  It is not a front. I am making due with the situation.  I am getting by.  But those people, 'friends' included don't know - but they should be able to pick up on a few small things if they were good enough friends. I am not a blabber mouth (maybe on the blog I am but not in real life) and I keep a lot to myself.  So of course people don't know how much I hurt or all the times I cry or am sad or going through a hard time.  And being single is harder...I don't have a spouse to talk to, I am alone.  If you asked most of the people I know if they thought I was dating someone the last 19 months...all but one would say no.  It wasn't a secret, but it never came up and people don't ask about me.  So the last month after the relationship ended...I felt all alone, no one to talk to...which is why I blog. Because I get all my frustrations and thoughts out of me.

You never know when people are going a hard time or have issues.  I can only ask that everyone treats people the way they should with respect and kindness at all time.

some of my fears

A fear is an irrational thought. But yet we have so many of them.  The only time we can come to grips with our fears is when we re in the situation and we end up thinking....well, that wasn't so bad, well most of the time.

There are also the fears of the unknown.  These I have been thinking about a lot and I stress over them often enough.  I know that if these items happen, it won't be as bad as I think, but until then, they are always on my mind.

I am going to share with you some of my fears about my life and about me.

I fear I'll be single, forever
I fear that when I finally get married, I won't be happy
I fear that I won't be able to get pregnant if/when the time comes
I fear that I won't like my child
I fear that I as much as I want a child, I really don't
I fear that I won't be able to support not only myself but this child I end up raising
I fear that I won't be able to balance working full time and being a single parent (hopefully I won't be a single parent)
I fear that I'll end up living close to my family because they can help me raise said child, but it is an un-affordable area, so I'll be struggling financially
I fear that I won't save enough money - for me and for any child I may have
I fear that I won't save enough money to travel more
I fear I'll live in a place I don't like because I can't afford anything else
I fear I won't have enough time to really help the child (school work, activities, good manners)
I fear I'll have one of those children I sneer at
I fear I'll have to work until I die
I fear getting old and helpless
I fear being a burden to whoever has to help me in my old age
I fear that my future husband won't find me attractive years after our marriage
I fear being cheated on...again
I fear people see me as being too sweet and won't take me serious when I am upset
I fear I'll never have a small group of girlfriend
I fear I will never belong
I fear I will continue to be seen as the outsider
I fear I will continue to go out of my way helping people and will never get the help or support when I need it

The biggest themes are money and love.  So, while I am unnecessarily stressing about these things. I am confident that things happen for a reason...and no matter what happens in my life, I will embrace it and do as much as I can with it.

make a great team

It is almost the end of my fiscal year at work.  It is a time of year that gets me thinking since we use the Balanced Scorecard.  I will have to create goals and meet them to ensure my employment...a little stressful especially because I think I have a very strong work ethic that sometimes it seems silly to create a task to ensure I am doing my work.

And worrying about keeping my employment with this system is something I've thought a lot about, since I've never had to worry about this before.  And it is the basis of a salary increase - something I need because I haven't had one in 2 years due to the start of a new job and the fall of the fiscal year.  I've wondered what will happen if I don't meet one of my goals? Could I really be fired? Stay at my current salary?  How do some of my fellow co-workers keep their jobs because listening to them talk or ask questions, I wonder how much they retain asking such elementary questions and they've been there more then 5 or 10 years.

I was quite reassured yesterday when my supervisor and I were emailing back and forth and he said "we make a great team".  Of course I agree and told him so.  When I interviewed with him last year, I knew we'd get along...we have similar personalities (very matter of fact and analytically) but differ enough that I am (shockingly) a little more outgoing.  On top of that, there have been several times throughout the year where he said I was too modest.  It makes me question the people he's worked with in the past. But I don't like to toot my own horn; and I feel like I shouldn't have to - people will see/appreciate it.

One Thing I Do Every Day

One thing I do everyday is make my bed.  While in elementary school, my parents instilled in us that we had to clean our room and put away our clothes.  After a while making the bed became a habit.

These days, my routine is that I wake, then I shower and then I make the bed...just to give my sheets time to air out.  If I don't do it after getting out of the shower, I can't function...I think about the mess.  Days where I unmake my bed to wash sheets...I usually put on a the second set....but sometimes I feel like a certain color. I have blue and brown.  So when I want to use the same sheets, those 2 hours I try not to go into the bedroom to see the comforter and blanket on the floor.  While I am happy about the mattress pad airing out...it is like watching the clock until my bedroom will be back to normal.

My bed  is layered like this:  mattress, mattress pad, bed bug pad, heat absorbing pad, fitted sheet, flat sheet, cotton blanket, heavier blanket (in winter), comforter.  I have a king size bed and the bed frame is a nice dark wood, so I have to tuck most of the sheets and blankets in so you can see the side/foot board.  I say 'you' but the truth is, very few people ever go into my bedroom.  So why all the fuss to make it neat?  Especially when the other things on the shelves are a mess!  But for me I think it comes down to a sense of peace - the bed takes up a huge chunk of the room, and I need to be able to look in there and see it made up and clean.

One other great thing about making my bed is that I hope it eliminates/reduces the possibility of bugs getting in there.  I guess for a while I lived in a basement apartment that was infested with spiders and centipedes and I have no doubt that I've slept with bugs and have been bitten at night.  A horrible thing for someone so scared of insects!  

Mornings I'd wake up in someone else's bed...I make that one too.  I'd feel guilty if I left it all a mess.  

inconsistent gifts

Sometimes I am so inconsistent.

Recently, I was going in on a gift for a baby shower with my sisters and I was like...no more than $35.  Other baby showers last year I was spending about $75.   Am I just so tired of engagement party, bachlorette party, bridal shower, baby announcement, baby shower, bring home the baby gift....all in 2 years sometimes - sometimes quicker, sometimes longer, either way that is a lot of time and money for a single person.  And it is not just one person...multiply that by a few.

This weekend I also attended a 50th birthday party and I had no problem dropping $150 on a gift for someone I don't know that well.  Is it because a 50th birthday is important and I wanted this person to really get a start on their bucket list and enjoying themselves for a while since they've had a hard few years?

Then I feel guilty that I am being uneven, but I can't let things like that bother me.

old lady shorts

I crossed the line to be officially be an old woman...I bought my first pair of Gloria Vanderbilt shorts that has elastic on the top sides of the shorts.  I am not going to lie...they are super comfortable!

I picked them out mostly because they looked like a shorts version of cargo pants.  They are shorts, but a  respectable shorts...meaning the inseam is about 5 inches...and that appealed to me because I want to be comfortable on my upcoming trip where I'll be hiking a bit and moving around and not showing too much.

reek of desperation

I wonder if I have a different definition of desperation than my readers.  I love that people read my posts and make comments, so thank you for that!  Just yesterday someone posted that I reek of desperation and that men sense that and are turned off by it, hence why I am still single.  I spent a bunch of time thinking about this.  Am I desperate?

When I think of desperate people...I envision someone who goes on a date and constantly talks about that one person or makes the 'relationship' happen a lot faster than it should.  clingy almost.  Maybe before that first date, they sleep around a lot, because men love sex and if you can get a man to sleep with you, then surely you can convince him to continue to sleep with you.  Settling for someone because he is probably the only person you'll get.

I don't think I am desperate.  Sure I want a husband and I want to create my own family and I think about it a lot...but in reality, I'd rather be alone than with the wrong person.  And I've proven this...I've been single for what, 7 years now?  I had options and I didn't settle - but I also wasn't being super picky.  During this time, I'd also like to point out that I did try dating people who are 'not my type'.  I went on four dates with a man covered in tattoos and body piercings, I went out with a red head, I went out with a conceited man, I went out with older men (ManFriend was 10 years old and recently hanging out with a man up to 16 years older), I went out with younger men (down 3 years), I went out with a man of a different ethnicity, I went out with divorced men and men with children, I went out with men that make a ton of money and men that live with family/roommates because they don't make a lot of money, I went on blind dates, I went to a matchmaker, I did online dating, I went on group dates, I've gone out with people I wasn't sure about more than once because I wasn't judging a person after the first time, I was and have been more open minded.  Most of the time these encounters didn't work mutually...it isn't all just me being mean/picky.  And a few people lasted longer than it should have because I developed a 'friendship' and wanted to see if that would have changed things.

So, I don't see myself as desperate, I see myself as independent, and I think that scares some men away.  I'm a great catch, and one day someone will appreciate me and love me for who I am.  And you all should know this too because the men that I give these dates to/date casually - end up sticking around or want to catch up months later because they know how sweet I am and they want me to be happy.  I am not going to settle for not being happy in a relationship just because there is one guy willing to be with me...there is so much more there, that I am having a hard time expressing what I want to say.  There are more pieces to the love puzzle than just attraction or just brains or just conversation or just family or just values...and while I absolutely can compromise on what I think is important...it doesn't always work out.  And certainly I am not looking for super good-looking - I actually stay away from them.  I like the 'average' guy, a guy that isn't attractive but grows on you. A guy that others think is OK but you see and smile because to you, they are handsome.  I wish I could show you some pictures of these guys...but I'd like for them to remain anonymous both in name and face.

And sure, I could date one of those guys and I can end up divorced because I settled or I thought I wanted something badly enough when I really didn't. I am just saving myself all that drama later, and not letting things that I know deep down shouldn't go further than they do. I know myself really well.  Sometimes it is obvious that things shouldn't progress, and other times, like with ManFriend I seriously considered 'settling' for something and god knows I tried to open up enough and let him in and love him but there is something missing and I don't know what it is...we've chatted about this this week - why we can't move past what we have into a 'real' relationship.  And you can't say I didn't do enough, that I was being picky or that I was desperate...because if I was desperate I would have thrown myself at him or forced myself on him sooner or said when he moved that I thought we should move in together.  Sometimes, it is just not meant to be.  And I know I am/will be happier without that weirdness of our relationship.

I am not stressed out about meeting my future husband, because he is either getting closer, or he isn't coming.  And I am not going to stay at home waiting for him...I am going to start making my future happen even if he never shows up.  Once the apartment sells and I wait a few months to save a bit extra, I am going to start looking into my next accommodations...and sure, I am going to purchase something I can't afford alone - like a townhouse.  I want to feel like an adult and have a nice place to stay, and something that is a bit roomier for my possibly growing family.  Because if my future husband doesn't arrive, then I am going to probably start in the next two years, seeking foster children and adoption.  I have a tremendous heart, and I want to give that love to someone...and better someone who needs it.  The biggest issue is going to be money and being a single parent of a 4-13 year old child/ren (who still have to get familiar with you and accept that they can not have a life with their biological folks) and balancing commuting into the city or finding a new job in the suburbs.  A challenge I am willing and wanting to accept.

First outing with the kayaks

My sister came over yesterday to help figure out how to attach the kayaks to the roof (the directions

were barely helpful).  The Big Stack Carrier by Yakima was the one I purchased, I can fit up to four on my car...but I only plan on carrying two for now.  It took about 30 minutes, but we figured it out.  We tied it over the kayak and to the crossbars.  Then we strapped the kayaks to the front/back of the car for even extra support, and I was very surprised how stable it seemed (I shouldn't have been, I mean, that IS it's purpose after all).  But it didn't stop me from "testing" out driving with it.  I started going really slow...made a few turns very slowly just to get a feel and once I knew they weren't going to fall off (not that I really thought that, but you have to make sure when something is so new) I went a little faster - but it was local so I didn't get above 40 yet - when I bring them somewhere that requires highway driving I'll see how it holds up, but other reviewers said they were comfortable at 70 MPH.

We made it to the water and took everything off (easy part) and carried the kayaks to the boat ramp.  We kayaked for about 60 minutes as she had other plans to get ready for and it was our first time and we didn't want to over do it.  It was so relaxing, and I made sure we took a moment to just stop and enjoy the view, the air and the experience.  To relax and clear our heads.  When we got back to the car, it only took 15 minutes to secure the kayaks to the roof and get everything in the car and start the engine.  I knew the first time would take the longest and it would get easier after I've done it a few times.    

Even with the experience of having a helping hand today - I know I can't raise the kayak onto the roof alone at this point - maybe at the end of the summer when I develop arm muscles from all the paddling.  So I'll probably keep one kayak in the water and one at home, so if someone wants to go with me, they'll help getting it onto the roof.  I might also take a class with L.L. Bean to improve my paddling efficiency. 

I can't wait to get out there more - enjoy the sun, the fresh air, the weather and the relaxed feeling.

transporting Kayaks & Rack & Go

These kayaks have consumed a lot of my time.

First it was finding one.  Getting accessories.  The roof rack (research & install).  Then it was deciding where to go.  Considering I live near the water, there aren't too many public boat launches.  I called the local harbor master a few times to get information about daily fees, permits and hours.

Then came the installation of the roof racks.  I believe I am good at following directions - I assembled my elliptical machine myself in February and I've built all those furniture pieces - like a dresser, bookshelf, etc.  I even installed an ice maker, changed a water line and I can change a light switch to a dimmer.  But I couldn't understand the directions for getting my roof rack on the car.  I got as far as assembling the cross bars with the towers.  I found a somewhat local Rack&Go that will install it - so I did that Memorial Day weekend, when it wasn't raining.  Rack & Go was fantastic.  They charged $25 per 15 minutes (I didn't know this until I paid, and was happy, I expected it to be more).  I drove the car around the back so they could work, and then I walked through the shopping center across the street for 45 minutes.  When I got back they weren't done, so I just hung out inside.  While there I also had them install the kayak carrier and locks. At least I felt confident that the rack was installed properly.  They were really nice and helpful.

The only downside with the Big Stack Kayak carrier when not in use is that while driving with the sunroof open, there is noise/wind resistance, but I don't hear it when the sunroof is closed so it isn't a big deal...and of course it is worth it provided I use it a lot.

There is one other 'problem' for me.  I am not strong enough to put a kayak on the car by myself.  So even after all this was done, I couldn't go kayaking alone since I I had no way to transport it.  So, I might still keep a kayak at the harbor for $150 for the season, I am going to get the application this week.  Time to start enjoying the summer!

ManFriend Relapse

I slept with ManFriend.

Friday I was really annoyed that ManFriend still didn't pay for the furniture he asked me to buy when he looked at the apartment what, 19 months ago.  And even though we broke up, I didn't think those pieces of furniture he took should be a housewarming gift...not after everything else.  And since our personal relationship was over.  I wrote a letter to him as his ex-landlord demanding the money but I waited until I was home to send it.

As soon as he read it he called me to yell at me for behaving in such a way.  I cried...I mean, I wasn't trying to be mean, but he can't dispute the fact he hasn't bought the furniture and in essence stole from me.  The way I handled it was what pissed him off. I thought it was a little funny, he doesn't necessarily get my odd sense of humor.  But I understood where he was coming from, I probably should have called...but we chatted about it a week and a half before and through texts and before he moved out and before that. I thought an email, when he was home would be better - he could add it to his to do list.

So after I started crying he felt bad and said he'd make it up to me, and asked if I'd meet him half way for dinner and he'd give me the money.  sure.  Why not?  We continued to catch up from the last 2 weeks and talked for 40 minutes or so, a really nice conversation.  Then he told me to forget meeting half way, but to go to his place and we'd kiss.  I said that probably wasn't a smart idea, but I wanted to.  You know my problem with kissing him...it is amazing. I wanted to feel that amazement again.

So I put on a summer dress and schleped to Chatham.  Of course I was attracted to him.  He looked so good. That is what happens after 3 weeks go by after not seeing someone.  He practically devoured me as soon as I got into his place.  The kissing was fantastic.  The moment we had on the couch staring in each other's eyes and kissing and groping  I didn't want to leave for dinner but I was so hungry and having dinner when you are so horny like that is a little fun.  We held hands in the car, we held hands walking to the place.  We kissed like fools in the parking lot.

So we went to dinner had a bottle of wine chatted for another 90 minutes or so and went back to have 3 minutes of sex - where he said he loved me and we talked for another 90 minutes. I think finally around 1:30/2 am we went to bed - and I had to be up at 5:15.  He paid for dinner, but I didn't get the money for the furniture.

I am not stupid, while it was such an amazing night...I know it doesn't mean we'll date again.  There are huge differences that won't change.  He either doesn't want or is not ready for the kind of relationship I want.  And I can't waste my time with that anymore.  But, if the last three weeks made him realize that he is passing up and is ready to do fun things together...well, maybe I'd reconsider.  So if this was our last encounter, at least it was really nice and we are walking away with happier memories of each other. And if it isn't our last encounter, well, I don't mind more kissing.


and PS...that woman that he was linkedin with this week...I wasn't entirely wrong.  They definitely slept together...but it was before me.