Not adjusting

Another really hard day. I spent hours shopping for the empty apartment, painting and crying. I ran errands 3 times to the same 2 shopping centers. ManFriend came to get the last of his stuff and was gone moments later. I am glad I didn't count on him to help me clean.  It was wierd; and he asked what was wrong, and I wasn't 100% comfortable telling him or I was too worried i'd cry, and no man likes that. We made plans to have dinner.

A few hours later he called to complain that he cut his hand bad on glass and spent the afternoon in the hospital.

I get that he had a busy few days, but I guess I hoped he would have been more supportive and loving knowing this was huge for me too, maybe more so.

So I won't see him til next Saturday.

I thought I talked myself into expecting this, but I am disappointed in myself with how much I've cried and how upset I am....and we haven't even broken up.  What does that tell me for how I'll react next month...after 'I tried' to make this move work.

End of a life chapter

I decided I didn't want to move back into my apartment, so when the tenant was moving this weekend - I called my agent; it will be listed as of next Thursday. 

There were a few factors that made me decide to suck it up and sell it.  But before I get that far, maybe you need to know why I bought it in the first place.

When SI and my relationship ended, I moved in with my parents. I knew it was temporary, I was either going to live alone...or move back in with him.  But one day I got a package of junk mail sent to me with the mistresses name on a label in the corner. I called an agent that day.  In a week I looked at a few places, walked into this apartment and liked it, although it was smaller than I wanted.  Maybe it was a little impulsive, especially for a big purchase. But I knew I needed to do it for me, to prove I could be independent and because I needed time alone to cry and be miserable.

When I decided to rent it a year and a half ago, it was a hard decision because I loved having a place that was mine, but I knew this was temporary. I wanted something a little bigger so I can bring a child into the picture. And I wanted to pay off my credit card debt.

I listed it with an agent and rented it, to a man who became ManFriend.  I knew from the moment I saw him something was going to happen...and I fought it a little in the beginning because it would make things confusing.  And it did. At first I felt like a prostitute because I would go over and then he'd give me rent money. 

Now that ManFriend moved two towns over from where I lived in NJ, I remembered why I didn't want to live here...and because I spent 18 months dating a man here...and it is too many memories that I don't want. 
As I am taking a break from cleaning the apartment, I am realizing that this chapter of my life is over. And while I might had shed a few tears, I am happy about it. I hope that means better things are yet to come. Although I am very worried about being financially secure enough to live comfortably and adopt a child...when I can barely afford rent/mortgage.

No Internet

I am going on three weeks of not having internet. At first I was happy for the little break and I was so busy after work, I barely noticed.  But now, I feel like I am so behind on my finances, emails, blogs, library downloads, fitbit and trip research. 

I spent a total of 5 hours trying to figure out the problem.  Was it the router? The router extension?  Nothing was working.

Finally my brother-in-law came over to help and was able to get the router to work, but the extender isn't finding the router. He and I both tried a few things and still, nothing has helped.  In a way, it made me feel better that I did many of the things he did, made me feel a little smart since he did this kind of thing for a living. 

I really don't want to call Netgear and spend that money on a customer service call...but I just might have to.

I said it

I arrived at ManFriend's apartment at 12:30am; he was sleeping. I told him we could go right to bed. The lights were out, and he starts kissing me. I was surprised knowing how tired he was but I go along with it. I straddle him and immediately he says "say it" to which I reply "that I love you?" So, I said, "I love you 'ManFriend'". "Say it again" he demanded. So, I said it again. He said he loved me too. And he came, approximately 60 seconds from when I got on top of him. That was not how I wanted to tell him, I would have rathered seen his face and not said it with him inside me.  Why did he demand I say it then?

Earlier that day I stopped over to give him something. I hadn't seen him in like 9 days, so I went over once again after I talked myself into that I wasn't going to see him again after this week.  But as soon as I saw him, that hatred feeling quickly disappeared. I was there about 30 minutes and we made out, like teenagers.  He again told me he wanted to continue seeing me after he moves, and I question him about it; I am not sure.  He asks if this is real. The 'this' he was referring to was our connection, the intensity, the love, the attraction.  Of course it is. I love making out with him, BUT I keep telling him it isn't enough.  He even was talking about football, and told me I was going to a game with him...hmm, that it many months away - I am happy he is finally realizing he wants to be with me.  Part of me wonders if I should try. But I really don't think the rest of our relationship is going to change...and I can't be in this anymore.  A year and a half, and while I love him, I don't think I am in love with him. I also am concerned we see each other a lot less, and all those 'normal' things couples do, we still haven't.  He tells me not to compare our relationship with others...but I am jealous for that kind of relationship. I know I am not happy, and that is so important. 

When we woke up we went out to the bagel place, and I was happy that he finally didn't kick me out. I drop him off and told him to call me later so we can have sex. Late that night he suggest yogurt instead...and the ManFriend rollercoaster ride starts again...yogurt over sex??? When will I get it when I want? When can I be more fulfilled? I left and I wanted to cry. It wipes out all those feelings of love. 

So, soon, I will be breaking his heart because I think he will be surprised, although I don't know how, if he knew me at all or listened to all my concerns, he will know this is coming.

Wanted: my next healthy obsession

After the breakup with SI, I submerged myself in knitting and reading. I needed to escape my life, knitting was amazing therapy because of the concentration it took allowing me to not think of him.  And reading stories became my biggest obsession.   That first year I read a lot of chick-lit, hoping one day I'd have a happy ending after such a horrible twist of fate.  But chick-lit started to become boring and the stories were mild compared to what I went through so I expanded my reading to anything that caught my eye.

I still read a lot, so I am wondering what my obsession will be after ManFriend leaves next weekend.  I'd love to see me submerged in exercise, but that doesn't seem like me.  However, I will need something to keep me busy and take up that void that was once occupied by ManFriend.

I know recently our time together had dwindled, and in a way I am happy for that because I hope it helped prepare me for next week. Even though our time together slowed down, I was still obsessed with checking my phone hoping he'd message me, all that waiting, all that time that now needs to turn into something else.

I'm his angel

I met up with ManFriend late last night. He was at the bar, drunk.  I go there, and I am about to walk right back out; I didn't go there to fight or to defend myself.  I know we haven't been communicating well, and I think it is because both of us are in unfamiliar territory regarding our feeling for each other.

So after we chat about what we do to piss the other off, he tells me that I am his angel.  That I am beautiful outside, but even more beautiful inside.  That I saved him.  When we met, he wasn't expecting to find me or even want anything to do with a woman.  He was in a really dark and depressed place and he is so grateful for everything I've done and the ways I've supported him over the last year and a half.  He knows that he has been hard to deal with, but he blames it on being a Gemini.  I got tears in my eyes, it was so sweet, and I know he meant it because he was drunk.  To have someone tell you you've impacted their life so much, is truly amazing.  I love that I helped someone so much - that my support and love is felt and that the other person acknowledges it.

But I wonder and even asked him if he felt that way, why doesn't he show it or tell me, and I've done so much for him, but when I need him emotionally to support me he doesn't and I need more from him and I never get it.  Then he told me I was emotionally high maintenance - I am not sure I agree, I think I've only expected a 'normal' level - or something equivalent to what I've given him.  We stare into each other's eyes and I smile because I know even though he pisses me off to no end, that I love him. 

We go back to his place. The sex was fantastic and different and lasted over an hour and I was like....why have you been holding back when you are capable of this?

pill box shows age

I've been on the birth control pill for 15 years and recently decided I am going to change my birth control so I don't have to remember to take a pill at the same time every day.  Too many things come up now - will I even be home? What if I have an impromptu sleepover?  I did a lot of research and made my decision.  That same day, I go for my annual physical and my new doctor is asking about supplements and vitamins.  I said, 'no, I've tried, but I don't remember to take them or they are too big, and really, I don't want to get into the habit of taking something every day, because once you do  - you will until you die'.  She smiled at me and I knew she was thinking I was crazy.

But it is true, it is sad, but I have some supplements I've tried over the last few years, and the bottle is right there...I just forget to open it and take the pill.  I am not sure why it is so inconvenient for me.

My Vitamin D is ridiculously low...I think everyone has a vitamin D deficiency ..but mine was an 8 - I think normal is about 30.  The past month was really bad because I was suffering from extreme exhaustion, which is one side effect of the vitamin D deficiency, but I think other things were at play.  So the doctor prescribed a super high dose pill, 50,000 mg per week for 12 weeks.  And I was instructed to take a fish oil supplement.  I can't take something that large, so I bought Krill Oil instead.

I needed to make a good impression on my new doctor, so when I went in 3 months for my followup, it will appear I've followed her suggestions...so how was I going to remember to take all this?  Alas, my realization I am an 'old' person - I sucked it up and bought the $1.50 pill box.  And every Sunday I fill the boxes with my pills.  It has been working really well so far, everything is handy and in one spot - I have to say I enjoy this system.

So while 'the pill' will soon be no more, the pill box, I fear is staying with me forever.

See an Opera

For the last few years, seeing an Opera has been on my bucket list.  Considering I live in the NY Metro area, this was a very easy and feasable activity to cross off, but it took me a long time because anytime I asked someone if they'd like to go, I kept getting a no.  The opera doesn't seem to be the best place to go alone - do they still dress up nice?  They have several intermissions, etc.  So I kept putting it off.

Last year, I sent my friend my bucket list so she could be inspired.  She saw the opera on there and was willing to see one withe me.  But (there are always buts), she didn't know if she wanted to spend all that money on something she didn't know if she would like.

As it turns out, the MET broadcasts about 10 opera's per season live on the big screen.  Even better, they show an encore performance for each performance.  For $23 I was able to purchase a ticket in the director's hall (movie theater with assigned leather seats) to watch an opera...and only 10 minutes away.  By having showings of the opera at a movie theater, I could go by myself, I've never had a problem seeing a movie alone.  However, my friend Diane did join me.


Upon arrival, the screen shows people filling the auditorium  making it seem like you are there - and I looked many people were not in gowns.  What is so wonderful about seeing an opera at the movie theater is they zoom in, so you can see the expressions of the singer's faces.  They have it subtitled at the bottom, so you can read what they are saying since it is in a different language.  And during the three intermissions, they also provided some behind the scenes fun facts or interviews of the singers.

The date that worked best for us was the showing of Zandonai's Francesca da Rimini.  It is an Italian opera about a lady, Francesca who is set to be married to a man named Giovanni.  Of course Francesca is dreading this and is fearful.  Giovanni's brother Paola stops by to finalize marriage arrangements and it was love at first sight.  The almost 4 hour opera tells the story of the doomed lovers.    

I have to say I enjoyed the opera.  It took a little while to adjust to the high pitched sopranos and all the clinging, but you get used to it.  I was worried that it being 4 hours would be too long - my butt would hurt, I'd get hungry, I'd have to pee...but since there were three intermissions I managed just fine, and actually didn't need all that free time.

I am planning to attend another one or two during the next season - they showed previews of what is coming and some looked really good.

Here is the link to the Met's Live in HD.

the most interesting excuse so far

You ManFriend haters are going to LOVE this one.  I swear, I can't make this stuff up.

Me:  want to get naked?
ManFriend:  On Easter morning? Isn't that sacrilegious?
Me:  No, not at all.  But if you are looking for a reason to not see me, that is a fine excuse.
ManFriend:  I'm going to mass and your tempting me like the snake
Me: Gee, I've been throwing myself at you for the last 2 days and you haven't bitten yet, so I am not surprised church will win.
ManFriend: It's Easter morning.  Thinking about God is something I'd rather be doing. I'm not avoiding you.  I'm just worshiping.
Me:  that excuse works for today, not yesterday.  (and then I sent a link to a catholic forum, where really religious people talk about having sex on Easter...and how they are all OK with it)
over an hour later - ManFriend: I don't know what to make of that (the website link)
Me: that religious people have sex on Easter
ManFriend:  Duh.  I knew that.  I didn't want to have sex before I went to Mass.  A personal choice of mine.

I respect other people's religious beliefs.  However, ManFriend has attended a mass maybe twice this year.  If his whole thing was about sex BEFORE mass...well, there are a lot of mass time choices around here, it could have worked if he wanted it to.  Also, he could have said, it in a lot nicer way like "I'd love to get naked with you today, but I am on my way to Mass, maybe we can meet up around 8 tonight"  but of course he couldn't quite say that because I knew I wouldn't see him after either because he'd be 'too full'.  So he really needs to stop telling me he needs to see me ASAP...when he isn't willing to find the time.

If you were wondering what happened the day before Easter (the yesterday from above), I texted him 3 times throughout the day - about how I was looking forward to seeing him later and for him to call me when he was on his way home from the Auto Show.  Finally at like 8:30 he calls and he is watching the hockey game...and then he was like, I am going to run out to get beer, I'll call you in 30 minutes....and an hour later he calls and complains about the hockey game.  Hmm. so much for seeing each other.  I actually shed a few tears before falling asleep.  I know I can't do this anymore...I have 26 more days to get through - 4 weeks = 4 times I'll see him.  Then I'll be free again.

100 attributes in my future husband

The tea leaf/card reader suggested I write a list of 100 attributes I want in a husband.  I laughed and said 100 is a lot, I am trying not to have a check off list of things I want in someone, thinking it would open the door to more possible men. I am supposed to put this list near the St. Ann statue along with a white candle and say the novena - but only after ManFriend is out of the picture 

Here are attributes that are important to me, in no particular order whatsoever...

1. not cocky/conceited/know it all
2. hard worker
3. at least a little handy (basics)
4. able to talk about feelings/problems
5. want to talk things through instead of ignoring or giving up
6. OK with some public displays of affection like holding hands or small kisses
7. respects everyone as well as my own personal choices/opinions
8. sincerely cares about me and my well being and makes me believe it
9. happy, positive, optimistic person
10. has dreams, goals and aspirations and tries to do them
11. makes me smile
12. fun to be with 
13. non-smoker
14. non-drug user
15. someone my family likes
16. likes my family
17. is OK with doing things with my family and his family if he has one
18. has a sense of adventure - nothing too crazy, but a smidgen more than me
19. wants & enjoys doing things together - including out of the house
20. is OK staying in, finding a show/movie to watch together
21. can cook at least a few things, not completely helpless
22. likes to have people over on occasion and cook/entertain them
23. can talk to others better than my ability to do so
24. can be serious when need to be, but not 100% of the time
25. makes me laugh
26. OK with walking hikes, beach, trying new things
27. enjoys to travel
28. enjoys site seeing, not just a beach bum
29. open to compromise
30. not a slob
31. dresses well - not sloppy and dirty, but not into designers and the latest look
32. does not take more time to get ready than me
33. enjoys his work
34. doesn't constantly complain
35. has/can handle a work-life balance
36. doesn't talk down to me or talk to me like a child
37. is thankful for even the small things I do for him
38. is kind to old and disabled persons
39. has both some common sense and some book smarts
40. has been in a 'real' relationship before and understands the basic relationship practices
41. gives me flowers, a card or something homemade or simple for no reason
42. thinks of me throughout the day
43. misses me when we are not together
44. is attractive, in my eyes
45. is attracted to me
46. is a fantastic kisser
47. a great lover.  varies with sweet/romantic, quick/urgency and everything in between
48. has sexual stamina
49. knows how to 'push my buttons' sexually
50. has similar morals/values as me
51. has similar ideas on how to raise children
52. is/will be financially secure and able to manage money 
53. adores/cherishes me
54. has a few close friends
55. not a criminal
56. balances me.  Things I am helpless with he can help and things he is helpless with I can help
57. lets me take care of him when he is sick
58. takes care of me when I am sick
59. can be spontaneous, but can also plan in advance
60. takes the initiative to do/plan something for us
61. is a good driver
62. doesn't slurp all his food/drinks
63. doesn't keep his phone on speaker all the time
64. doesn't require a lot of coffee/caffeine to function 
65. sports doesn't rule his life/schedule
66. does not snore/gasp for air
67. is in good health
68. is helpful around the house
69. is a little romantic
70. does things he says
71. is faithful
72. surprises me, on occasion
73. lets me fall asleep with my leg or arm on him
74. enjoys sex in the morning
75. if we have children, remember to make time for us....dates, sex, talking
76. if we have children, a good, helpful, loving father
77. honest
78. is able to protect me physically if I was in danger
79. passionate
80. respects me and my time
81. mature
82. thoughtful
83. dependable/reliable
84. understanding
85. responsible
86. doesn't have excessive back hair and the rest of his body hair is low to normal...not like an ape
87. nice teeth, and must have all of them
88. must be able to kill bugs
89. not emotionally, verbally, or physically abusive
90. doesn't need constant reminding
91. doesn't keep me waiting by the phone or worrying
92. emotionally supportive
93. our love seems effortless because we are on the same wavelength
94. we can talk about anything and everything
95. he doesn't make me cry
96. I don't doubt why or if I love him and/or if I want to be with him
97. is a 'gentleman'
98. does not waste time playing video games
99. I am 100% comfortable around him
100. loves me (and I love him)