signs I am gaining weight

Signs I am gaining weight

• my butt cheek isn't all covered in my panties
• my butt doesn't fit as it did on the toilet seat
• my back and belly are itchy from the stretching of my skin
• my heart hurts
• not only are my pants are tight, but I have over the popping over the pant 
• I think my feet are swollen
• is that multiple chins?
• I've bitten down on my cheeks - because they are fat
• my body feels sore
• I can still see my toes in the shower...but not as much of them
• my boobs are popping out of my bra
• when I lean up against ManFriend for kisses, our bellies touch and it isn't as comfortable - and I lose the moment of kissing and just keep thinking that our bellies shouldn't be touching
• when I lay on the couch with ManFriend to make out, it is uncomfortable on my chest
• when I cross my arms, they have a resting spot on my belly
• I have to use a little more foundation to cover my face
• the space between my thighs are practically touching
• my belly button is a little deeper
• did I start shrinking my clothes in the dryer?
• I hate the way I look in recent pictures 
• I've always had indents on my shoulders and a dark line under my bra - but it is worse now
• On the train, if I am sitting next to a man - our legs/hips touch since we fill each of our seats

Oscar evaluation

It seems apropos to talk about the Oscars.  I had zero desire to watch this event, but I went to ManFriend's place for an hour...and we had it on - for background more than anything, but me wondering if we had the same thoughts about these men & women.

I don't understand the concept of having an award ceremony that features a very high proportion of the same movies/actors for so many categories.  I get some movies are phenomenal ..but wouldn't it be better to spread the joy to more?  Why can't they just win ONE award each; than I would watch.

Photo taken from USWeekly website

Let's talk about the ladies first. It is always so nice to look at them and judge them.  Are they really that pretty? Or is it all the makeup, fancy hair, fancy dresses and accessories.  I can look that amazing if someone helped me out.  Sure, most of them are wearing beautiful gowns and jewelry ..are the dresses rentals too or do they get to keep them?

Anyway, I am getting off topic. Let's take a closer look at Anne Hathaway. I think she is pretty, and she had a lovely powder pink gown on...but was it just me, or did everyone else also notice that she wasn't doing anything about those small boobs under her dress.  I don't care if you are a size B...you need something under a dress like that.  I get you can't wear a normal bra, but you are rich....couldn't you have lined the dress or taped your breasts so they didn't jingle and flap?

I know I have a problem wearing these dresses with slim or no straps or no back...so, I don't wear them...no one wants to see a DDD without a bra in...well, anything.

Adele...I don't think I need to state the obvious, but holy cow that was an amazing performance.  She sounded fantastic and yet it looked like she was barely putting in any effort...to do that is an amazing quality.

Let's get to the men now.  Seth McFarland I thought was a decent host, he had a few things that made me chuckle.  But did you see that super thick brown hair he had?  Wow, so full and thick.  It was hard to look at anything else.  I wasn't a big fan of John Travolta's all black - suit, shirt, tie.  Way too dark.  Oh, and I don't like Ben Afflick's full beard/mustache - which I guess you'll ask about George Clooney's  OK so he too has a full beard/mustache, but his is more white so I can tolerate it more...and wow, he looked more grey than last time. I love grey/mature looking, but it is sad that he is getting up there, I think his hotness level just peaked for me.

I saw the Chicago number...I love Chicago, I saw the movie, haven't yet seen the Broadway play - but the music is addicting. I am not entirely sure why this song was performed since, well, it isn't from this year.  Catherine Zeta Jones's dress for that song was a bit - distracting.  Hmm, I am sensing I notice breasts more than I think I should for a woman.

I shouldn't be posting this far after...because I am forgetting all those comments I had.

Your thoughts?

A few of my FAVORITE things: TV Shows

It's time for another edition of my favorites...and since I've been stood up a lot this month, I've watched a lot of TV so it got me thinking about some of my favorite TV shows.

In no particular order, the shows I currently watch:

The Following - A serial killer and his followers.

The Middle - About a family and its everyday life, and the lengths parents go to for their kids.

How I Met Your Mother - About a guy on his quest to finding his wife...but before we learn about that we hear the story leading up to her and all his friends over the years.

Castle - A writer works with a police officer and helps solve crimes.

The Big Bang Theory - A few geeks and their lives.

Revolution - Life after no power and family.

NCIS - (the original) - federal agents of the Navy and them solving murders.


All time favorites (no longer currently running)

Lost - a plane crashes on an island and the survivors try to get off or figure out how to survive out there...if they are even alive.

24 - a 24 hour period of excitement watching Jack Bauer run after terrorists.

My So Called Life - An important show during my teenage years.  A show about a girl and her crush and school.

The Brady Bunch - A single parent with three children marries a single parent with three children.  About their life.  Sometimes I think of my family as a Brady Bunch family.  We do a lot of things together.

The Golden Girls - Four "old" ladies living together and their drama.

Friends - A group of friends, their life, and the coffee shop.

Ally McBeal - A woman finds herself working in the same office as the first love of her life - and all her insecurities, challenges and triumphs.

Six Feet Under - OK, I'll be honest, I missed the last season, but I was addicted before that.  A family who owns a funeral home and their drama.

Sopranos - I didn't watch the last season of this either :(  but the first seasons had me hooked.  A NJ mob boss and his families.

Straight up

Back when I was in love in my early 20s, I liked to send a song or make a CD to my person.  If a song randomly came on and I thought of him, I'd email him the lyrics or put it in a scrapbook.  Ever since then, when I hear certain songs I think of certain people.

Just this morning, I was flipping through the radio channels listening for a song to sing along to, and Straight Up by Paula Abdul came on.  I haven't heard this song since probably the 90s, but surprisingly I was able to sing along.  Isn't it amazing that your brain can remember song lyrics from so long ago, but I forgot what I ate for dinner three nights ago?

As I was singing, I realized that the lyrics are actually decent...a woman wants to know from a man what their situation is...don't tell me none of us ever thought that...we all have at some point or another.

For me, I have been thinking about it for the last year.  Let's read my version.

• I've been a fool before with SI and what he did to me, and I don't want that to repeat...so to make an informed decision....I need some information....PLEASE!
• You told me you loved me...but do you really mean it? I don' think so.  Why can't you  just tell me.
• This has been a very long few months, not knowing our situation...giving it more time so maybe I could feel you out and understand what you want.  When I get excited that there is potential or a future...I radiate happiness and get excited to see you.
• You are impossible to read.  You say one thing, do another. Make empty promises that you never keep.  You are playing with my emotions and taking advantage of me.  And now that I realize you are playing games - it's time to say...bye bye bye bye bye!
• Like I said, I've been hurt before, and I won't tolerate that again.
• You might think I give an ultimatum, but I just want the truth.  You wouldn't see it as a demand if you were really into me.

Clearly I do not articulate my feelings well.  That is what is so great about music. It can convey such a complicated message in under 4 minutes.  But this song is being dedicated to ManFriend. and to let you know I am so fu&*ing tired of you and your s*%t; if only you were straight up. 

And now for Paula's Version:  Straight Up - Paula Adbul
Lost in a dream 
Don't know which way to go 
If you are all that you seem 
Then baby I'm movin' way too slow 

I've been a fool before 
Wouldn't like to get my love caught 
In the slammin' door 
How about some information--please 

[Chorus:]
Straight up now tell me 
Do you really want to love me forever oh oh oh 
Or am I caught in a hit and run 

Straight up now tell me 
Is it gonna be you and me together oh oh oh 
Are you just having fun 

Time's standing still 
Waiting for some small clue 
I keep getting chills 
When I think your love is true 

I've been a fool before 
Wouldn't like to get my love caught 
In the slammin' door 
How about some information--please 

[Chorus:] 
Straight up now tell me 
Do you really want to love me forever oh oh oh 
Or am I caught in a hit and run 
Straight up now tell me 
Is it gonna be you and me together oh oh oh 
Are you just having fun 

You are so hard to read 
You play hide and seek 
With your true intentions 
If you're only playing games 
I'll just have to say--bye bye bye bye bye bye bye bye bye 

Do do you love me 
Do do you love me 
Do do you love me 
Do do you love me ?

I've been a fool before 
Wouldn't like to get my love caught 
In the slammin' door 
Are you more than hot for me 
Or am I a page in your history-book 

I don't mean to make demands 
But the word and the deed go hand in hand 
How about some information--please 

[Chorus cont.]

I've been a fool before 
Wouldn't like to get my love caught 
In the slammin' door 
Are you more than hot for me 
Or am I a page in your history-book 
I don't mean to make demands 
But the word and the deed go hand in hand 
How about some information--please

clank clank clank

I was sitting in my area at work and I think, wow, someone walks around a lot...we have nice carpeted areas by our desks, but the hallway is title.  But I realized, most of the woman next to me (and there are quite a bit in our small area) wear flats, sneaker-like shoes, or heels that don't clank.  So who was this person making such a ruckus?

It was that 'new' guy from work, K.  Whatever fancy schmansy shoe he wears (and I am guessing they are fancy since he seems very metro-sexual), must have wood or metal or something in it. It sounds like a woman in heels.

I realized there is another type of guy I can't date...one who wears shoes that clank on a hard floor. Too high maintenance for me, if my other makes more clanking noise than me when I wear my heels!

Amtrak's bad customer service

Dear Amtrak,

Last week the NorthEast was hit with a 'blizzard' causing the shutdown of Amtrak trains from NYC to Boston or beyond so I was not shocked that my train was cancelled.

When I called the customer service/reservation line to get on another train, I was on hold for about 35 minutes before I was able to speak to someone - not surprising since so many trains were cancelled or delayed.  But one would if you were willing to suspend train service, you'd have more people working customer service when the suspension was slowly being lifted.

I was speaking to a representative, who was not very friendly...then again, I probably wasn't either since it was 12:10 am.

I booked my tickets 2 weeks earlier to the station just beyond the NYC station on that Sunday.

But alas, I had a great solution for Amtrak - Instead of being placed on a Monday train to my destination - and miss work...just put me on an earlier Sunday train and I will incur the expenses to get to my final destination from NYC.  Really, I didn't mind the extra expense or the additional 2 hours it would take me to get home (with Amtrak, it would have been an additional 10 minutes).

The Amtrak representative however did not agree.  According to their policy, I was now changing my destination and would have to purchase a new ticket at today's rate.

I agreed I was changing my destination...to the stop earlier...I was helping them and willing to incur additional financial expenses because I was not leaving DC on Monday to miss work...and if I was going home Monday, I'd need the ticket to NYC anyway. Why should I pay today's fares when if it was up to me, I'd get to my destination without a problem...and if I wanted intentionally change my destination, I would have done it when I bought my ticket weeks ago when it was cheaper...how can I predict a blizzard?  So no, I was not going to pay for a new ticket.

But it is policy stated the Amtrak representative.

Believe me, I work with policies every single day, I understand their importance and the need for them.  However, there should be policies in place when Amtrak cancels the trains.  I am not changing my mind - I still wanted to return home on the original day I bought tickets too weeks before.  But Amtrak isn't going to my home destination...and I am lucky enough to live in a metropolitan area where I can combine alternate transportation.  I understand that it is unsafe to travel on tracks which is why they cancelled their service, I am being really nice and understanding - all I want is to be put on a train about 4 hours earlier than my original ticket at no additional cost - so I get home about the same time.  I can't imagine that all the trains are sold out that I can't just sit on that train - as a simple exchange.

The representative started to recite the times of the trains and the cost of their tickets.  For example - there was a 3:15 am train for $87, a 8 am train for about $175, a 9 am train for about $200, an 11 am train for maybe $185.  The tickets varied a bit - as did the length of the ride, but either way the tickets were easily $70 over what I originally paid.

I wasn't getting anywhere.  Clearly the representative wasn't going to budge..I was going to have to pay the additional fee to get home, which I think is insane...even the airlines put you on a flight, they don't make you pay day-of fares when THEY are the ones to cancel trips.  So, I sucked it up and got a ticket for 9 am, since I needed my rest (it was now about 1:15 am). I asked the representative for a letter stating that I had to pay a new fee for a new ticket since I was changing my destination for my boss - but she was not willing to do that for me.

I laid down to sleep...but I couldn't I was too annoyed at Amtrak.  I started to write my complaint letter in my head.  I was fuming.

At 1:40 am I decided I wasn't going to sleep - I got up, backed my bags and double checked the Amtrak train times.  I headed over to Union Station and returned by 9 am train ticket for the 3:15 am train ticket. Since the 3:15 am train ticket was less, about $87, I was going to be refunded the difference from the 9 am train, minus a $9.10 return fee.

I got home about 8:30 am.  

What do you think?  Do you think it is too much to ask that Amtrak didn't charge me same-day fares to get home on the day I wanted to get home because THEY cancelled my train?   Or do you agree with Amtrak that they are only willing to put you on the same train the next day (or next available day they operate) and any additional requests should be charged?


a side note - I really enjoyed my train ride down to DC, I thought taking Amtrak was a great alternative to flying.  But their policy regarding train cancellations  (on their end...not the customers) is not ideal, and would make me question if I would take Amtrak again.  Realistically, I would because it is convenient  and what are the odds of some sort of weather emergency (we get what 3 a year?).

a love bi-polar

If I wanted to be immature I would breakup with ManFriend using some of Katy Perry's lyrics from Hot & Cold. I could dedicate the song to him or use the lyrics in a nice Hallmark breakup card.  I can't seem to get this song out of my head when I think of ManFriend...this fits him perfectly.  He changes his mind all the time that I started to wonder if he has multiple personality disorder or some sort of memory loss that he can't remember what he tells me.

It has been driving me crazy...just another reason I know this isn't going to last much longer - in fact, all weekend I kept thinking how am I going to bring this up.

"Hot N Cold" - Katy Perry

You change your mind
Like a girl changes clothes.
Yeah, you, PMS
Like a bitch
I would know
And you over think
Always speak
Critically

I should know
That you're no good for me

[Chorus:]
'Cause you're hot then you're cold
You're yes then you're no
You're in then you're out
You're up then you're down
You're wrong when it's right
It's black and it's white
We fight, we break up
We kiss, we make up
(you) You don't really wanna stay, no
(you) But you don't really wanna go-o
You're hot then you're cold
You're yes then you're no
You're in then you're out
You're up then you're down

We used to be
Just like twins
So in sync
The same energy
Now's a dead battery
Used to laugh 'bout nothing
Now you're plain boring

I should know that
You're not gonna change

[Chorus]

Someone call the doctor
Got a case of a love bi-polar
Stuck on a roller coaster
Can't get off this ride
You change your mind
Like a girl changes clothes

'Cause you're hot then you're cold
You're yes then you're no
You're in then you're out
You're up then you're down
You're wrong when it's right
It's black and it's white
We fight, we break up
We kiss, we make up

You're hot then you're cold
You're yes then you're no
You're in then you're out
You're up then you're down
You're wrong when it's right
It's black and it's white
We fight, we break up
We kiss, we make up
(you) You don't really wanna stay, no
(you) But you don't really wanna go-o
You're hot then you're cold
You're yes then you're no
You're in then you're out
You're up then you're down, down...

Lyrics taken from AZLyrics.com

So there it is...every time I hear this song, I will think of ManFriend.

BankBoy is still wishful

Every few seasons, I'll watch the Bachelor. I have a few issues with the show - how all these people live in the same house and date the same person...talk about confusing.  But doesn't part of everyone wish they were the Bachelor/ette?  I wouldn't want to compete against the 24 other people, but I'd like my selection of those 25.  How lucky.

After my date on Saturday I go on the computer, write a blog, and check facebook.  BankBoy messages me right away and asks if I am still involved with ManFriend.  Then he started up again...if ManFriend isn't my husband, why can't he date me?  It is tiring...but finally, I wrote him this:

you are such a nice guy. I have no doubts that you would make a great boyfriend...but it just isnt want i am looking for. What we did was fun, when it happened a few years ago..but it isnt a long term thing, i am sorry.

I felt like the Bachelorette - having to tell someone they are wonderful but they aren't for me.  Very one sided.  It doesn't matter what he wants, since the connection needs to be felt by two people and I don't feel it - and unlike the show, I never pretended to have such feelings for him, I never told him that I had feelings, and I never led him on.

a date to nowhere

My 'date' on Saturday evening was surprisingly nice.  Unfortunately this guy is a few years older than ManFriend...and I think ManFriend is at the top of my age range.  He wasn't entirely sure how old I was either...and guessed about 6 years older than I am.  So, while we had a nice evening, I think we both left there knowing it probably won't be going anywhere.

On a side note, during the date, we started to open up a little more...talked about our baggage.  It is hard for me to sit still and not say anything when the topic of infidelity comes up...and when I am talked to like I wouldn't have a clue what it feels like since I am single.  (just because I wasn't married doesn't mean what I experienced was nothing - or that I don't understand).  So of course I spoke up and very briefly told my date that I am very familiar with the feelings left behind from cheating, and next thing I knew my eyes glassed over.  That hasn't happened to me in a long time - but there was something about telling someone new about some of the pain I went through that made me realize that it doesn't matter that it was 5 years ago - that pain apparently is still there and will always be in the back on my mind.  Hopefully, of course I won't have to talk about it much going forward...after I meet my fh and we discuss these things, it will be over with, never to be brought up again.

hhhh!

I can't even remember the last time I had an orgasm by ManFriend.  It took me a while initially in our 'relationship' to even have one, but I was finally able to have a small one when I was on top of him - and if I was lucky maybe a small second one.

But when was the last time that happened?  Surely before the whole New Years fiasco, probably a while before that too.

We kiss so amazingly together, and of course then I crave his body inside of mine.  But that lasts, if I am lucky, all of 4 minutes.  If we kiss less to start, maybe he can go 8, if we kiss more, it is more like 2 minutes...so of course I leave his bed unfulfilled.  Sometimes I come home and have to finish myself.

I love that he finds me so attractive that he can't resist - and can't last.  It is kind of sexy in a way, knowing I have that power over someone.  His recovery time is like 24-48 hours...so it isn't like his short performance will lead to more intense or lengthy sex once he is ready to go again.

But sometimes I need more.  OK, who am I kidding, I need more, a lot more.

I know when I am so turned on, I should move his fingers a little to where they'd make a bigger difference - but instead, once I get to that almost point...I end up just pretending to have one.  The worst part, I am not pretending well; he either thinks I have the worlds quietest orgasm or he knows but is not admitting he knows he can't get me off.

I just want to OOOOOooooohhhh! regularly again.

A v-day surprise

Valentine's Day has always been one of those holiday's I don't understand.  Why make a big fuss on one day for love? Why not all that love every other day?  Why should today be any different?  As a reminder that you love someone?  Ideally I'd like to celebrate my love for someone a bit more often throughout the year.

OK, so love isn't my thing; not by choice anyway.  So, maybe I don't get it.

So how did I celebrate this day today?

On Sunday ManFriend asked if I'd have dinner with him on Thursday.  He also asked if I can spend the night one night this week, something we haven't done in a long while.  Today at work was busy, I had an important meeting.  I texted ManFriend in the late afternoon to tell him I was looking forward to having dinner with him later tonight, and that I hope his morning meeting went well.  Then in the late afternoon we exchanged a few interesting texts:

ManFriend - I didn't realize today was Valentine's Day
Me - Don't worry, I didn't think you did.  It's just a Thursday
ManFriend - It's not that.  I'm boycotting.  This is a day to emasculate Men. It's a plot by the feminists
Me - Are you kidding, i think it is tied as first as the stupidest holiday.  So are we not hanging out later?
A few random texts here
Me - What do you do to boycott today?
ManFriend - Relationships.  Women are trouble.
Me - OK.  Well, I think I've been extremely great about all this.  Sorry your other women are causing you trouble.  I will stay home and have Chinese tonight.
ManFriend - What?  Why do you always jump to conclusions?
Me - You brought it up.  I didn't think you had other women....but why say it when things are a wee bit decent with us?  How do you think I felt reading that?  At some point you need to be less jaded.
ManFriend - I don't have other women.  I was taking in general.
Me - At some point you might find someone that will cause you not to think that way.  Clearly I am not that person.  Not a big deal.
ManFriend - I wasn't talking about you at all. Not one bit.

That conversation ended at 3:58.  It is now 8:33...I never heard back from him.  I enjoyed my Chinese.

Jump to your own conclusions.  Probably the same as mine.

When pre-date man texted to wish me a happy valentine's day this afternoon, we had a brief conversation that resulted in a date for Saturday night because he felt bad my evening plans were cancelled.

My free day in DC

Last Saturday I had a free day in DC - so what did I do?

 Woke up at 6:30am.

I stopped at the Cornerstone Bakery for a quick breakfast.

I took the metro to Capital South station.

I took a tour of the Capital.  It was my first time there.  What a magnificent structure!

I took the indoor walkway to the Library of Congress (it was about 30 degrees but with the wind it felt like 8 degrees).  It was my first time inside here.

I walked up by Union Station to the National Postal Museum.  Took a quick tour and read fun facts about the postal service.  FYI they have a penny press there, but is is $1.01.  I am used to them only being $0.51.

Then I walked over to the Folger's Shakespeare Library.  It was now 12 noon, and it just so happened that they were giving a tour of the reading room, so I went on the tour...why not?  It was an hour, and it was...different.  The first half they told us about the Folgers and about Shakespeare  how the Library came about, and about the books and researchers.  The second half they explained so many of the painting on the wall.  After the tour I decided to see if they had any tickets left for the performance later that evening...I figured it would be best to see a Shakespearean play at a place that is all about Shakespeare.

From here I walked to the south end of the Mall.  I realized I was starving.  Not knowing if there was anything to eat round there, I just went to the first thing I saw - a street truck - and got an eggroll and gaterade and found a park bench to eat it on...don't forget it was freezing, my hands were loosing feeling eating the overly peppered eggroll.

I decided to go into the Botanical Gardens...but I ended up just doing a quick loop since I realized I was there before.

Up next was the Hirshorn Museum and Sculpture Garden.  This structure was a circle, with two floors up and one floor down (the down was the restroom and gift shop).  The exhibit at the time was the Chinese artist Ai Weiwei, I wasn't a fan, although the 12 sculptures outside of animal heads that correlated with the Chinese calendar was neat.

Next was the Castle.  I did a quick read through some of the cases - and was distraught when I saw this because I have such a fear of these creatures...and this was HUGE, you can't tell from the picture, but it was probably equivalent to a size 6 woman's shoe!
[I made it smaller than the other pictures so I don't have to focus on it.]

Then off to the S. Dillon Ripley Center.  There were events going on, so I read some of the paintings and left, I was only in there maybe 20 minutes.

Once I got back outside, I sat on a bench and was just so exhausted.  I decided I couldn't handle anymore, so I walked back up to 14th and P to get some Ethoipan to go, and went to the hotel to relax, it was about 4:30pm.

I had a little free time, and did a tiny bit of work and watched some TV, and at 7 I headed back to the Metro to go back to the Folger Shakespeare Library to see Henry V, which was excellent.  This was the first time I saw a live show/play by myself.

The Capital was just as beautiful at night.  Then back to the Metro to get back to the hotel.  It was probably around 10:45 by now.

Once I got back to the hotel, I had to call Amtrak since my train was cancelled due to the snow.  I was on hold for about 30 minutes, and then had a very annoying conversation with the reservation specialist.  It was now past midnight.  I tried to go to sleep, I laid down, but I kept writing my complaint letter in my head and couldn't sleep, so I decided to screw it, head to Union Station and get on the 3:15am train back to NYC {this will be a future post, maybe} instead of the 9am or 1pm train.

I get to the train station about 1:30am and catch up on a few shows on my iPad, thank goodness Amtrak has free wifi.  I didn't want to fall asleep because I was traveling alone and I don't trust people (even though there were quite a few cops right there), and because I didn't want to be unable to sleep once I got on the train.

I was able to sleep a little bit on the train, a little here and there.  Nothing too sound. More like a few short naps.  I got into NYC around 6:40 and didn't get home til 8:30am.  Look how empty Grand Central is at 7:15am on a Saturday! What a difference from my everyday commute.

I couldn't wait to go to sleep this night, what a long 38 hours!

A husband in DC

I took an very last minute trip to DC last week. I started to wonder...maybe I'll meet my fh there.  Maybe the psychic got it a little wrong.  Maybe, just maybe, I wasn't WITH a D when I met fh, but I was AT a place that started with D.  How perfect would that have been?  ManFriend couldn't meet me down there and so I knew I'd be alone, a perfect opportunity to meet fh if I left the hotel room. I started to get very excited - what a great story.

But going out seems to be my problem. I am not going to go to a bar alone, give out vibes to the men that I want to get laid. I am not looking for sex; I am looking for love.  Meeting a guy over a few drinks isn't quite ideal for me, even as much as I enjoy alcohol.  I'd rather meet my fh doing something - on the tour of the Capital, at a play, eating dinner, walking to conference, waiting to cross the street, at one of the Smithsonian museums  or in the elevator.  I was out and about enough where I could have met someone...but I didn't.

I think I am getting closer.  ManFriend is the same - knowing there is no long term future, but still around.  That pre-date guy met the category the psychic said would happen before I met the fh.  Sure, I view the psychic as more of a fun thing than anything...but I am hopeful.  Why wouldn't I want to latch on to something that would make me very happy?  It is coming with or without the psychic knowledge...it has to because I am ready.  I am beyond my misery from SI, I am at a standstill from ManFriend, but I know I am now capable of love - and that is what I needed to prepare for fh, otherwise it wouldn't have worked out.

So the trip to DC didn't result in a relationship, but I did some 'new' things that I will share later this week or next.

A few points of clarification

I have been getting some interesting feedback lately on my posts.  (I wish I could email you all back, but blogger blocks your email address so I can't).

1.  I am not suicidal.  When I wrote about death and suicide in December it was because I lost a friend.  I spent time thinking about our friendship, about life and about how I can help other people so they don't feel so lost or confused or sad.  If I was going to kill myself, I would have done it 4-5 years ago when my life was torn apart...but it wasn't worth it then - to give SI the gratification of my death - and it certainly isn't going to happen now when I am better.  I know I will never feel that horrible ever again, I won't let myself.  My point in that post was that I am not going to judge a person should they take their own life - but do it without causing mass murder.  Yes, suicide hurts those that are still here on Earth, I am certainly not discounting that at all.

2.  The Man Friend issue.  Sure, it isn't the best relationship and I know it isn't a forever thing...but until then what can I say, I think he is attractive, I miss him when I don't spend time with him. I like him...sometimes a lot.  I use the blog sometimes to vent, so many of you are only reading the negatives about him....but considering we started our 'relationship' last November...when did you read the first post about him?  Not till December when I hinted at it and not until February when I started to realize it was lasting longer than I thought it was going to.  Don't worry, he is not my future husband. And if you get mad reading about him and my lack of strength to end it...imagine that annoyance and anger and amplify it 95% and that is what you should have felt after the SI ordeal.  While Man Friend annoys me at times, at least I am not being emotionally abused or intentionally mislead.  I am continuing to learn about myself and about my tolerance levels of others.  He & I were meant to have this weird relationship and while I know it isn't forever I needed this. I needed to learn to trust a man again, I needed to love and not, I needed to realize what my fh is so I won't take him for granted when I met him.  This was a very important part of my life.

3.  Don't take this blog ultra seriously.  It is here mostly for me - to help me brainstorm life.  I chose topics that are somewhat relevant to what I am going through at the time - and to share it with you so you don't feel alone, no matter the circumstance someone's been in the situation before.  If something relates to you - I hope I can share my point of view....which is not the correct one...but mine.  Everyone is entitled to their own opinions, including me.  Maybe you'll learn from my mistakes, maybe you'll say that what you are going through isn't as bad as what I did, maybe you'll say I haven't a clue compared to what you went through. The point is, it doesn't matter...it is perspective and it can help.

4.  This is a public blog...therefore nothing on here is really a secret.  Someone posted "...nieces and nephews adore you, I hope they never find this blog" If you think my family doesn't know about my problems, you are mistaken.  Ok this blog isn't appropriate for kids that age - but not because of my sadness, it is because the topics are too mature for their age.   The rest of my family may not understand them...but they know about my problems and are mostly always supportive.  Friends and men disappear - but I am lucky enough to have an absolutely amazing family that has and will continue to stick by my side no matter what.  I am not embarrassed about any of this.  A niece looks at me and wants to be like me - smart, attractive and independent.  Through my own pain, I have inadvertently taught them about this other lifestyle - about not being married but still considered a grownup.

5.  My lack of variety in posts lately.  What can I say, I get writer's block.  There are many times I sit at the computer and have blogger open and think what am I going to write tonight?  Then 30 minutes goes by, nothing.  This continues.  I think, my readers don't want to hear about this or that again.  But sometimes that is the only thing on my mind.  I too am very disappointed in my variety these last few months.  Why don't you email me some topic ideas?

6.  I am not funny anymore.  This is true. Again, it depends on where I am emotionally.  I am more funny when I am happy without a care in the world.  When I am depressed I tend to vent and share things that piss me off.  Unfortunately I have been less than happy lately so this shouldn't be a surprise.  I also have a 'different' sense of humor than you - it is more dry and witty, and it definitely does not come across well on a blog.  Sometimes you think I am serious but I am being sarcastic.  Maybe I just need some motivation and experiences so I can have something funny to share with you.  I'll try to work on that.

7.  Instead of complaining about life, do something about it.  This IS my journey. It takes a while and I am allowed to complain a little bit here and there.  I know my life is going to be amazing...and you will read some of that eventually, but I am not going to change it overnight. I equate that to a fad diet, too much change too soon will not give you long lasting results. I am not looking for a band-aid/quick fix, I am working on a life change.  It is not an easy process, and I've had a lot of help along with the way with my life coach and from family and friends.  I give myself credit, I've come a long way in the last 3-4 years.

8.  One of the most read posts is about laser hair removal with over 12,000 hits - yet only 8 comments.  I hope that on topics that I share an experience to make you more informed actually helps.  I am guessing it does because I get such few comments and the most popular posts which means people don't disagree with me.

9.  Why do I struggle being single?  The grass is always greener on the other side.  All these married people don't seem to understand my struggles.  You think being single would be amazing, I don't have to worry about making a man happy or chasing after kids...but what you don't understand is I don't have that even if I wanted it.  Give single people more credit - it is very difficult thing to do unless you want to be a bachelor/ette.    Being single means being alone a lot, not having someone to check in on you, not having someone to help you, not having someone to travel with or have a date to a wedding.  It means doing things ALONE.  When is the last time you ate in a restaurant alone? Took a trip alone?  Spent a whole weekend day not speaking since there was no one there to listen.  These are regular occurrences for me.  Even without a man to share that with - my female friends are mostly married and why would they want to take a trip with me when they have that special person?  Being single can be lonely at times.  Sure, I have moments I am thrilled I don't have to worry about that marriage/kid stuff - but in the end, my life isn't complete without it.  Please try not to judge too much if you can't relate.

10.  I have issues.  Sure, don't we all?

DC good eats

A trip to our nation's capital must include some good eats.  Sure, I live in an area that has a huge variety of ethnic cuisines, so I am certainly not deprived of a variety of food.  But if I am buying food, I usually don't want a salad or burger...I want something I don't cook...which is often something ethnic.

The first night a few of us out-of-towners went to Georgia Browns, which was recommended by many local people at the conference I was at.  Georgia Browns is a southern restaurant.  Oh, I forgot to mention my good luck that it was also restaurant week.  So, naturally I ordered off the special three course menu for $35.13.  I ordered the fried green tomato, creole tilapia with andouille sausage, and the sticky toffee pudding, oh and a glass of Pinot Grigio.  The fried green tomato was a little tough - not tomato season?  The tilapia was fine, and I love grits...although the andouille sausage was a bit overwhelming.  The bread pudding (salted caramel, sugared pecans and whipped cream) was disappointing, it was was served in a jar, that was nice presentation, but it was mush and was too sweet for me (don't get me wrong, it wasn't horrible, it was just not for me, one of the other ladies liked it).  This might be the best southern place in DC...but it was not the real thing for me.

in a take out box...so less appetizing looking

The next night, the doorman pointed me up to 14th street. At first I wondered if the neighborhood was a little sketchy for a single, out of town person to be walking at night, but it was only a few blocks before I found Lalibela, and I knew right away I stumbled upon an Ethiopian restaurant and had to go in (14th street & P street).  The place is not attractive and very dim, a little dusty feeling (outdated), but the menu had all the 'basics' and then I discovered the sampler that came with 7 pre-determined items, both meat and vegetarian.  The menu had it for two or four, so I told the waitress I would have the two portion, thinking I'd eat it later or give it to the many homeless people.  But, she said she'd do it for one, and that made me very happy.  The food came quick enough, and was served in the traditional way over the injera - which was very moist and soft. I sampled some new items including the collard greens, and a meat one. The food was very good, and the doro wat had a phenomenal spice in it (I never eat the hard boiled egg though) as was the lamb and miser wat. I ate almost all if it.  The service was slow considering there were about four other tables, but they didn't rush people out which is always nice if you aren't alone.  My bill was $13, and I left a $5 tip. I am went back another night for takeout...still couldn't finish it. The take out kept the food hot/warm on my walk back to the hotel - and while I love the injera with the oils adding a lot of flavor, the injera at the bottom was more mush and broken up. Both night when I was there the place was filled with locals and many male taxi drivers who consider this their traditional cuisine ..many ate the traditional dishes, and quite a few had spaghetti & meatballs or some kind of pasta.

Night three I found an Indian restaurant in the hotel magazine, Rasoi Indian Kitchen.  The atmosphere was nice, and was quiet when I first got there, but soon people started to stream in.  I ordered the vegetable sampler appetizer; one somosa, one potato cake, and three fried vegetables. I didn't eat it all, but it was very good, usually somosas are my favorite but the potato cake was my favorite item.  The fried vegetables were also really good.  I couldn't decide on for an entree so I asked my waiter between two, what did he like best?  He selected the green chili chicken, that he said was very spicy, and I ordered garlic naan.  When they brought out my entree, I had a bit of food envy....did I really want that or should I have gotten the kashmiri murgh? The green chili chicken looked unappetizing. I put some on my plate and was happy to see the chicken was boneless.  But...it was fatty, I hate fatty chicken.  Reluctantly I took a bit, the green spices were very overwhelming, but I didn't think it was spicy. As I ate the chicken, it grew on me and I ate all the chicken pieces, but this dish was very far from a favorite and would probably not order it again.  The garlic naan was delicious, it was soft and moist, perfect - so many places don't the get bread right and usually I end up with overlooked dry bread, but this place, it was perfect.

table dynamics

I recently signed up for a seminar.  Walking into the room, I realized I was one of the first people there.  I thought about where I wanted to sit to maximize my learning - selecting an empty table second from the front.  I sat down and was anxious to find out who was going to sit next to me.  A fantastic experiment should you want to study/evaluate personalities.  How do people decide who to sit with?  There is a lot of pre-judging that occurs.  Do they find people they think resemble them?  Look smart?  Studious?  Fun? Attractive?

Little by little people started to trickle in...my table remained empty.  Then one of the ladies from another table by the door moved and sat right next to me.  She was disheveled smelly and had bad breath.  I wondered if I was doomed.  Who else was going to join us?

The other people who eventually sat with me included a youngish looking woman, an older smart looking woman, a quiet Spanish man, and a very outgoing know it all.  An interesting bunch.  But I started to wonder...why didn't the other 54 people want to sit with me?  What kind of vibes do I give off?

We did a lot of group work and we were all over the place with thoughts and ideas.  The smelly lady was my partner for the two person activities - and I gained a little excitement because the smelly lady was so not getting it.  Was I actually learning?  I was thinking this whole thing might be tolerable after all.  But the last day we took a quick 20 question quiz, but smelly lady & I did the same.  I lost my excitement and started to worry.

By the end of the three day event, at least 24% of the people gained confidence and became know-it-alls.  When we were reviewing questions and someone asked the moderator for an explanation.  The room went from quiet to loud; all these people had an opinion and everyone thought their reasoning was best.  For me, this was annoying. I wanted to hear the response not from someone who learned it within the last 2 days, but from the expert.  My luck I would remember what the 'fake expert' said, which was, at times, incorrect - and not remember what the real expert said.  I can't afford to have that kind of stuff fill my head.  I wanted everyone to shut up.

One of the good things is that I was submerged in an out of my comfort zone arena for a few days.  I chatted with the people at the table.  When we did other group activities, I talked a tad bit with the other people but usually related to the task at hand.  The first night 4 of us went to dinner, and I thought I did really well keeping up conversation...but it helped that I knew the big topic that they were chatting about, and the rest was all about the class.  The second night was a happy hour, but I didn't do so well there - I only chatted with the people I had already met.

Next month I signed up for a schmoozing class - maybe that will help me a little more.