Disappointment

ManFriend and I kissed and made up last Friday. We had a really nice drunk chat and I left feeling a lot more comfortable with everything.  I was even surprised when he commented on the fact that we’ve been doing this almost a whole year, and that he was very grateful for the things I’ve helped him with over the last year.

Then Hurricane Sandy rolls in.  I brought some candles over to ManFriends’ place Sunday evening knowing he wouldn’t be prepared and told him it would be really nice if he was hurricaned-in with me – especially because I had a 4 day weekend.  He said he liked that idea and would go over the next day, and even suggested an outing to see all the damage.  So I bought 4 bottles of wine, 2 cases of beer he likes, and a lot of Chinese food. 

Monday he spent the day doing who knows what, including napping…so naturally once 5pm came around, I knew he was going to be a no-show.    Tuesday I told him I still had power so if he needed to charge anything, cook, laundry, hang out - I was home and to stop by whenever.  Another no-show.

Such a stupid cycle, but I think I am sort of smart enough to see this NOW, thank you to my past boyfriend for allowing me to see and not want to tolerate such behavior. And thank you to ManFriend who is consistent with his behavior of doing this. 

So, now I am drinking a bottle of wine, doing a puzzle, and listening to my breakup playlist so naturally I shed some tears. What has my life come to? Is it so much for me to want a man in my life to spend time with me?  Is it worse that I hang out with a guy enough but even he would rather sit in his dark apartment reading or sleeping instead of hanging out with  me for a little while.   Why did he even have to say he’d come over and then why did he have to message me saying he still wanted to, when clearly he had no intention?  I miss being in a relationship so much sometimes. 

I hate the feeling I get when someone disappoints me.  And honestly, I feel like that is all ManFriend has done since I’ve known him. 

Hurricane Sandy is on its way

Before

This picture was taken in the spring

During

Being on a sound harbor, we did not experience as much surge
as other places...but our water rose, this was the first high tide.

The second high tide at midnight went off the park, down the road,
and up four houses.  Very impressive for a small harbour.

After

When I went out at 9am the next morning, so many of the trees
fell over, probably because they sat in so much water all day
and then the wind blowing around.

My area really lucked out.  Sure, we had damage but because we didn't really get too much rain, we only flooded near the water.  The rest of the damage was trees and wires.

Philamazing Race

My friend and I wanted to go to Philadelphia; I haven’t been there since I went for lunch many years ago.  I was looking for things to do, and on Groupon I found a scavenger hunt through the city.  I thought this sounded awesome so I got the deal.  We were a team of three, my friend, her husband and me.  We didn’t dress in costumes, but we coordinated our outfits so we matched. 

Let me say that the scavenger hunt was very challenging to out-of-towners.  My friends go into Philadelphia occasionally so they knew a little about directions or general landmarks, but I had no clue.  We didn’t have a strategy and we walked around aimlessly for a while working on the ‘fun’ photo clues. 

The two challenges we did complete were fun.  We met some really nice people (and a few that weren’t) who were willing to help us out and I was able to see parts of the city that aren’t part of the historic area.

When the results were given, the first place team had 540 points; I think they completed every challenge.  The second and third place teams had 430/440 points.  We had 180 points.

We were exhausted from all the walking (we didn’t take the trolley or bus – probably because we didn’t know the route.  It was still early so we decided to take a horse carriage ride.  The 30 minute tour brought us past all the historic sites – Independence Hall, Liberty Bell, some president’s houses, Second National Bank, etc.  I think this was my first carriage ride – but alas, I get to check it off my bucket list. 

The Scare Off

After our make-up drink, ManFriend dropped me off and saw where I lived.  It is official, SI and all the other men after have had sex on my bed.  When I settle down again with a person, I’ll have to be sure to buy a new mattress.

That aside, ManFriend also saw into my closet.  I think his jaw dropped.  It was not the amount of clothes (which he remembered I said I donated about 10 bags back in the spring); it was that my clothes were in color order.  I think he might have said I was a tiny bit neurotic.

I guess I am not surprised that he chose not to come over again that weekend.

cabbie-robbery

I had work related drinks after work today.  Since I was getting home late - I decided I was going to take a taxi home. 

When I got off the train I went over to all the cabbie, who are constantly harassing people when they got off for rides, and asked right away how much it was to get to my neighborhood.  The guy says $3.  I think, OK less than I thought, I was willing to pay $5.  I go to get in the car and the guys stops me and asks where my destination is (mind you it was less than 30 seconds ago) again.  So I re-tell him.  And he says $5.  And I was like...you JUST said $3, that is like 60% more, how about I give you $4.  He became insistent it was $5.  I didn't mind spending the extra money to get home 15 minutes earlier...but I was really annoyed he just upped it for no reason other than perhaps I was a woman and seemed lazy...and he might not have gotten other clients.

The thing is, in my town, that $3-5 ride is not a private ride.  They load other passengers into the car in the same area.  If this happens, you might not get dropped off first, and if you aren't are you really saving time?  Do I want the cabbie to get $20 for driving a mile?

That is the thing...it is less than a mile to my house.  In NYC, my fare would be $4.50 (which includes the night surcharge; see below) AND it would be a private ride.   Also, to park in the parking lot for 12 hours is $4.

So I told cabbie that since he changed the price I was going to walk instead.  He got nasty, said 'fine' and started telling the cabbie next to him that I was cheap because I wouldn't pay the $5 fare.  I turn to him, give him my evil look - and tell him I was willing to pay more - but his attitude and the fact that he changes prices is why I was going to walk and be home in 20 minutes.  He called after me with insults at which time I used some profanity...which is not like me at all.

Good thing I stopped and got a burrito in the city so when I got home I didn't have to cook. 

Thinking back, about 3 years ago I was sick and asked the cabbies for a ride instead of walking.  You know when you are sick and sweaty and feel like you are going to pass out? That was me.  So I am in the car, waiting for these other passengers...and I get kicked out because the cabbie was able to get other clients in another neighborhood...which meant more money for him.  I can't remember if I walked home in tears because I thought I was going to collapse or was able to find someone to come and get me.  Can you believe that crap? I think I vowed then not to ever use the local taxis...today was a little slip.


NYC cab fare is as follows:

Standard City Rate (Rate Code 1)
$2.50 upon entry
$0.50 for each additional unit
The unit fare is:

• one-fifth of a mile, when the taxicab is traveling at 6 miles an hour or more; or
• 60 seconds when not in motion or traveling at less than 6 miles per hour.
• The taximeter shall combine fractional measures of distance and time in accruing a unit of fare. Any combination of distance or time shall be computed by the taximeter in accordance with the National Institute of Standards and Technology Handbook 44.
• The fare shall include pre-assessment of the unit currently being accrued; the amount due may therefore include a full unit charge for a final, fractional unit.
• Night surcharge of $.50 after 8:00 PM & before 6:00 AM
• Peak hour Weekday Surcharge of $1.00 Monday - Friday after 4:00 PM & before 8:00 PM
• New York State Tax Surcharge of $.50 per ride.

Sh*t day

I can't get Pink's "Blow Me (One Last Kiss)" lyrics.  More specifically the line - "I've had a shit day".  Granted I am not wallowing over a man.

I worked about 10.5 hours and only took a 30 minute break.  The day:  At 9:45 I have a nose bleed at work. Then I get a call from an area code that SI/mistress was from...and I always freak out when that happens; person left a 20 second background message.  I did call reverse just to find out it was a house number in the town next to where SI used to live.  I didn't want to keep investigating.  Later, I was supposed to meet up with an ex-coworker for lunch, but she had a 2 hour conference call....thank goodness I brought my lunch just in case!  This sort of annoyed me a little because I needed a break today.

Then I sent a job posting to ManFriend...and guess what, he replied back to me.  First time in a week.  Had some lame excuse about his quick need to go to Iowa on Monday....but yet, his behavior changed last week.  I didn't try to contact him at all yesterday.  So...it really irked me.  Especially when he said "perhaps we should only communicate by talking since it seems that every time we text/write one of us misinterprets something the other says"....He didn't get a response from me because I was tempted to say...'or not at all'.  If there is one thing I hate, is is being ignored.

Let's see...work.  This is a busy week...I have a deadline on Friday.  I can do MY work before then...but I am still waiting on so many other people to get me their stuff...and the last thing I want is to stay at work past 4 (in times they have stayed till 8pm....no fu*king way!).  I have been good about harassing my co-workers to get the stuff in for the last 2 meetings...and I still have three days, but....I am not optimistic.

I knew I had a conference call at 5, which means i had to work at least 2 hours late.  I was willing to do it of course because it is work and I need to prove myself.  But the volunteers were not prepared, snippy/grumpy, and confused.  Yikes.

Sitting at work, I decided I needed a vacation.  A few weeks ago, I signed up for this amazing trip to India/Nepal but it was cancelled.  I could have looked at another tour, but I haven't. I figured it was a sign I wasn't supposed to spend so much money.  So, I thought about something closer.  My problem is I have no one to travel with...and that really upset me.

When I finally got home, I checked the FaceBook news feed.  A cousin wrote "fingers crossed and saying a prayer".  I read the comments because, naturally I was curious.  She then wrote "just hoping for something good to happen to us!"....and I WANTED to write....'you just got married, went on a great honeymoon....maybe it is time that something great happened to other people for a change'.  Obviously you see the problem with posting that...and I was happy I even realized I shouldn't. 

On top of all of this, I have the house to myself this week...and I am barely enjoying it. 

And as I was writing this, I just got a phone call that one of my aunts isn't doing well. 

Tonight was the first night in months I cried.  I am starting to worry another depression is coming up.  Figures right? Just as I was doing so well, and then BAM so quickly.  I am ovulating, but I don't remember being this emotional the last few times.  Is it hormones or a funk? If a funk, how am I going to get out of it?  The solution is I need a break - I haven't really had a day off from work since the beginning of April.  But I really don't want to have to travel by myself, which means I won't...which means I either waste a day doing nothing OR not getting away.  Part two of my solution involves lust/love....and I don't know how to get that.

vacant

The last few months, I removed myself emotionally from anything sexual.  I thought I was getting the hang of the casual sex thing - even if it was very frequent.  But once I was asked about maybe taking it to the next level AND the fact that I didn't meet someone new I'd like to know more in September/October...I started to think 'why not?'. 

But then I started to wonder if he liked the chase more.  Was he more interested in me when I wasn't interested in him and vice versa?  A little immature for a 43 year old if that is the case...but I am not sure if I can justify it in my head any other reason.  But that seems to be a theme in my life.  It is like I have this huge tattoo on my head that reads sucker, take advantage of me.  Sure I haven't been with many men...but they all have done the same thing - felt sorry for my past situations, convinced me they were different, toyed with my head, told me wonderful sweet lies, and eventually ended up with the next person after me.  That cycle had to end.

So back to the why not.  I really started to think of the idea and was willing to give it a try.  But what happens again?  He has completely ignored me.  And of course, this is all I can think of...damn crushes. 

This is the reason why I tried to remain so emotionally vacant the last few months. 

I really need to meet my fh soon because I am so tired of all these stupid childish games men play.  And/or I really need to make better use of my time and really live up this single thing.  You  know how guys refer to themselves as bachelor's and it is supposed to be this amazing lifestyle?  So if the fh doesn't work out, then I need to find something equivalent to that for me.  Something that all those married people are jealous of - and not pity and feel sorry for me.

Man Friend Roller Coaster

Man Friend and I have been doing this friend thing for 10 months.  That is a long time considering.  I knew as soon as I got my first glimpse of him that something would happen between us.  During this time we have had way too many ups and downs - which steams from the timing of a year with a lot of personal issues going on. 

Back in February - April I really started liking this guy, and started wondering about what it would be like to spend more time with him and be in a relationship with him.  But he has had in incredibly tough year, and he pushed me away.  Because I don't want to be hurt (not that I think I can ever be more hurt that I was with SI), I followed Man Friend's lead and removed myself emotionally from our non-relationship.  He is conveniently located, a great kisser, and I find him very attractive most of the time.

But it is really hard to be emotionally distant and still see someone so often.   The whole thing has been very confusing for me.  I tried ending it twice because I am not getting what I want out of it...but I am a sucker for seduction and let it continue.  He tells me all the time how lucky he is that I am interested in him.

I have let Man Friend control everything.  He wants distance, I give him distance.  He wants more interaction, I give him more.  After a while of the 'more' he tells me I am too needy.  so I back up but then he tells me I am too distant.  I don't know why it is so hard to find something that is good for both of us.

Not only the time, it is what we do that he controls.  Most of the time we watch sports.  I am not a sports person, I've learned a lot this past year and I wouldn't mind if it was some sort of compromise.  I don't know if he has what I need from him...and as much as I wonder about maybe liking him, this is the one area that I am completely neglected.  But what I want goes hand in hand with a relationship.  I want someone to do things with - nothing crazy.  Enjoy the seasonable day outside going for a walk, a date to a wedding, a movie I want to watch, an outing at a festival, spending a day together, etc.

Sure, we've been to a few Yankee games - when I get tickets and invite him...but I did it because HE likes that, not me.  Last year we went holiday shopping together one day, and I enjoyed that.  Simple things.  I was hoping that since he had a really hard year, that when things got better, he might be more apt to wanting to leave his apartment.   Unfortunately, things haven't gotten too much better for him.

And of course, since I don't have a ton of money, I usually show a man that I am interested in them by cooking/baking for them.  I know he appreciates it, but I don't do it too often because I wonder if it is weird.

So last week when I told him I didn't know if I wanted to do it anymore, he was understanding.  He said he knows that I am not getting what I need.  I told him I went on a few dates, but nothing will transpire - and that I am attracted to him.  I just wish he was able to give a little more.  I am a bit of a homebody but there are times I want to do things. I don't think it is asking too much.  We see each other way  more than the casual sex encounter, we are drawn to each other physically, but since we are not in a relationship we keep our frequent encounters to short bursts of time.  But the day after I told him that I saw him again and I got the feeling back that I had in February and I couldn't wait to see him again...but when I did see him he was all funny/grumpy.

It may all be moot because he might be moving far away.  And I've thought about this a bunch in the last few days, and realized I would actually miss him.

This whole thing as been a learning experience for me.  After SI, I barely dated let alone anything 'serious'.  I didn't have a rebound relationship.  I just fooled around with people for experience and knowing it was  just 'fun'.  Man Friend has been something like a relationship - perhaps a very late rebound?  He has given me hope that there are still nice guys out there, some single people are attractive, and confirmation that I am good in bed.  All things I need going forward.

Open up

So I told the guy from the fire walk that I didn't want to pursue dating him.  I am not very good about ending it.

Me:  You seem really nice, but I am going to pass on another date
Him: Alright, see ya.  Next time opening up a little more.
Me: Thanks for the advice.

I started laughing when I read his line.  I didn't realize people provided feedback.  Sure, sometimes I am curious why things don't work out.  And I have my reason...but if he asked me, would I have really told him?  Probably not the real reason, maybe I would have lied and said something a little less hurtful, because what is the point in insulting someone?

I know that I didn't open up with him.  For some reason, he made me feel very uncomfortable.  I've been on a few dates, and for whatever reason...the two times we got together I was extremely uncomfortable.  Not my safety or anything...it was more like he thought it was fun to continue talking about something when he noticed I was uncomfortable with it and pushing my buttons.  I knew after the first date that nothing would transpire, but he didn't do or say anything that was horrible, I thought maybe it was just nerves so I agreed to a second date, just to see.  But that second date was really just to confirm all the thoughts I had from the first date.

The quest continues.

Somebody that I used to know

I really love the song "somebody that I used to know".  What a great screw you song.  Don't we all feel this?

This is my favorite part:
Now and then I think of all the times you screwed me over
But had me believing it was always something that I'd done
And I don't wanna live that way
Reading into every word you say
You said that you could let it go
And I wouldn't catch you hung up on somebody that you used to know..

When I hear this song, of course the first person I sing it about is SI.  He is someone that I used to know...he is a completely different person now than he was when I knew him...just as I have changed too.  There is no way I would ever want to know him now.  If I didn't know him, and went on a date with him, he probably wouldn't make it past date #3, if that long.  And I am sure I wouldn't live up to his standards either.

Of course the best thing is that it has been a long time and I don't think about him regularly at all.  I mean, sure sometimes I compare other men to his personality or how comfortable I am with him or my favorite part was that we could talk about anything and nothing for hours - and I haven't found those qualities yet. 

So cheers to all the people from our past that taught us lessons, taught us about ourselves, and was a part of our lives.  If it wasn't for all the people that I used to know, I wouldn't be the person that I am today...and for all of you, I am grateful because I think I am a much better person now than I have been...better things are yet to come. 

"Somebody That I Used To Know"(feat. Kimbra)

[Gotye:]
Now and then I think of when we were together
Like when you said you felt so happy you could die
Told myself that you were right for me
But felt so lonely in your company
But that was love and it's an ache I still remember

You can get addicted to a certain kind of sadness
Like resignation to the end, always the end
So when we found that we could not make sense
Well you said that we would still be friends
But I'll admit that I was glad that it was over

But you didn't have to cut me off
Make out like it never happened and that we were nothing
And I don't even need your love
But you treat me like a stranger and that feels so rough

You didn't have to stoop so low
Have your friends collect your records and then change your number
I guess that I don't need that though
Now you're just somebody that I used to know

Now you're just somebody that I used to know
Now you're just somebody that I used to know

[Kimbra:]
Now and then I think of all the times you screwed me over
But had me believing it was always something that I'd done
And I don't wanna live that way
Reading into every word you say
You said that you could let it go
And I wouldn't catch you hung up on somebody that you used to know

[Gotye:]
But you didn't have to cut me off
Make out like it never happened and that we were nothing
And I don't even need your love
But you treat me like a stranger and that feels so rough
No you didn't have to stoop so low
Have your friends collect your records and then change your number
I guess that I don't need that though
Now you're just somebody that I used to know

[x2]
Somebody
(I used to know)
Somebody
(Now you're just somebody that I used to know)

(I used to know)
(That I used to know)
(I used to know)
Somebody

Lyrics copied from AZ Lyrics

Old Maid

My seven year old nephew was visiting with me yesterday and I taught him how to play go fish.  He caught on really fast and was having a great time.  After a little while, I thought let's change the game...so he next learned how to play old maid.

He was absolutely adorable, every time he had the queen, he made a face. When I picked the Q (I tried to pay attention where he put it) he smiled so big. We were trying to tell him to be a little more discrete, but he is only 7.

It was only fitting that I ended the game with the old maid, since I am an old maid.

The Girl Who Walked on Fire

I heard about this fire walking event which I wanted to do because it was on my bucket list...but it was about two hours away, and it was something 'scary' so I didn't want to go alone with all those other strangers.  September's Guy #3 said he'd go with me making it an interesting second date.

When we got there, the wooden structure was already assembled. But we were able to participate in every step after that.  First we used newspaper and stuffed crumbled pieces into the empty areas.  Then we all took turns putting oil on the paper and wood then we took newspaper torches and lit it on fire.

We had to wait two hours for the wood to burn down.  During this time we wrote our intentions card.  One side was symbolic of things we were going to walk towards [happiness, love/desire, no stress, husband/children] and the other side was symbolic of things I was walking away from [SI, insecurities, depression].  Then we put our cards into the fire and watched them burn.

Our fire walking instructor then had us walk across about 25 feet of first shells, then those brown things from trees and gravel. 

Next was stepping on Legos - which I rocked at - and a sheet of something that was sharper than nails/staples.  That part on only lasted on for a few seconds.

Then came walking 25 feet on glass. 

Finally, once all the adrenaline was running - it was time to walk on 1,000 - 2,000 degree fire for 25 feet.

  

So...did it hurt?  A little.  You definitely feel some heat.  The people talking pictures of me didn't really get me...so I did it a second time.  That picture also unsuccessful.  So...I tried one last time...with a super blurry picture and a dark video (thank goodness for our instructor who took awesome pictures!).  I walked 75 feet total on hot coals.

Once I was back in the car I started to feel tingling (normal once the adrenaline wears down) and realized I had 4 blisters.  Not too bad considering.

Another check off my bucket list.

Next living step

I am at the point where I am wondering what my next living situation step will be.  It has been almost one year since I decided to rent my apartment and pay off my credit cards.

Well I am about 2 payments away from paying off those credit cards and finding the desire to want more alone time.  Not that I don't have that here....I do.  But I don't want to put myself in the same situation...spending more than 60% of my salary on living expenses.  I don't want to get into credit card debt again right now, I want to be able save money - so I can start to take vacations, save for retirement, save for my children's education and even spending money on 'fun' life experiences. 

So can I live alone and be able to reach the above goals?  What is my alternative?
1) Roommate - I had a horrible roommate experience when I was 20.  I vowed to myself I would never have a female roommate again.  But could I have any kind of roommate - female or male? I don't know. I like to not have to 'entertain' anyone.  And I am really nice, so no doubt I'd be making this person food, cleaning up after them and eventually start to resent that they would get mad when I cut that back when I wasn't getting anything in return.  I'd also have to think about this person dating - and getting laid or having more friends over than me.  I have a hard time with that, I know it seems silly.  Maybe I'd have to find someone who works the night shift so we never bump into each other...that might work.

2) Live alone in an apartment - can I afford it?  Sure, I make more than the average American household...but my area has made it in the news as being among the most expensive places to live and with the top 5 highest taxes in the country.  So, if I do it, I'd have to cut back on spending some money on "fun" stuff, and that means sitting at home alone again.  I also don't want to live in the slums (see, this is where the snotty part of me comes out).
    If I go with this option - do I rent or buy?
        a)  I have issues with renting, I think it is like dumping money into the garbage - but since I am not sure where my future is heading...it would give me the flexibility I need.
        b)  I don't think buying something new would be the best solution right now, I don't want to be locked into anything until I am more sure this is where I want to live for X period of time.  What if I do buy something, and then fall in love and have to sell it so quickly?  I know, it would be for a good reason, or we'd rent it out and build equity...so it shouldn't matter.
        c)  Kick out my tenant and live in my apartment.  I have issues with this for a few reasons.  One is that it was cute - but I have bad insomnia there-the noise level was not condusive for me.  Also, I bought it because I needed to prove to myself that I didn't need a man.  I used it as a recovery apartment - and it served it's purpose.  Also, I am not sure if my tenant will stay there longer or not...he's had some career issues this past year, so while he told me he wanted to resign the lease, I am not sure if that will actually happen. 

3) Stick it out and continue to live with family - for a bit longer...but how long can I stretch it?  My father a few weeks ago said he didn't want me to leave, that they love having me.  That coming from my father is really nice and unexpected.  On the positive side it would be helpful since it took a lot longer to pay off the credit cards than I had originally anticipated (I am not surprised since i kept using the card) and I would really benefit from taking a few months and adding a 'substantial' (in relation to my monthly income) into savings and giving myself a cushion...and finally going on a cash spending basis.  A big negative of course is a) it sounds horrible to dates that I live with family and b) I'd like to just do my own thing.

When will I be courageous and make this next big decision?  Why I am so worried about making the wrong decision - which is silly since I've been very happy with the decisions I've made in the last three years, but being a little worried is normal.

like a bag of skittles

Looking through my closet this morning, I realized I haven't worn brown pants to work in over 6 months - and I have about 3 pairs of brown pants, so they've just been sitting there neglected.  So, today I decided to give all the black and grey bottoms a rest and wear the brown with a very thin white stripe with a thin white sweater and small brown dangly earrings.  The outfit would look really nice with the brown shoes I keep under my desk.

But nothing is that easy.  I still have to get to work.  The reason why I tend to neglect my brown pants is silly...I wear black 'commuting' shoes.  All the pairs I've had in the last 6+ years are comfortable for walking (many times I walk about a mile to/from the train) but aren't sneakers.  They are a little sleek looking.  And unfortunately I've only found them in black, I wish I could find something similar in brown...I keep looking.   I hate wearing brown and black together.

So, let's begin to visualize what I looked like so far:  black sleek shoes, brown pants, white-ish top, earrings, curly hair.

On my way out the door, I thought it looked like it might downpour through the fog...so I grab my raincoat, which happens to be a fairly bright pink.

So, now I have on the black shoes, brown pants and a pink rain coat...you don't see the white-ish.

I grab my lunch and put it in my 90% of the time work bag - which is quite roomy for my lunch, wallet, a [real] decent sized book, a small umbrella, random papers, some mail, etc.  The bag is great because it does not have a zipper, making it conform to what is inside, sort of.  The problem with the bag is that it is deep purple.   I didn't have time to get a different bag and repack everything.

So out the door I went, looking like a bag of skittles.  Last month I mentioned about what not to wear...and here I was today, thinking that other people saw me on the streets probably thinking the same thing - I shouldn't be out in public looking like this! 

black, brown, pink and purple...yikes.

I'd like to say that I could learn a lesson - go shopping and buy brown shoes, a less crazy colored raincoat and a new bag.  But, I am so close to paying off the credit cards, that is it really the best thing to start buying things I don't really need?

I will try to wear brown pants when it is not raining, and maybe have a second bag nearby for easy change over for those brown days.

complements

The kid I met up with a few days ago told me that I don't take complements well and he assumed it was because no one really complemented me before and he was shocked that a pretty girl like me laughs uncomfortably and looks away when someone says something nice.

I told him it wasn't because I never heard those nice things, but didn't elaborate further.  I know I don't take complements well anymore, I am not sure what to say other than "thank you" which apparently isn't enough. 

I think my issue with complements is because I don't know if I believe the person.  After SI, I am more guarded; I don't want to fall for a guy that tells lies and is full of shit again. 

It is really nice when people complement you, but should they do so much of it the first time we meet? I think there must be an ulterior motive - such as he wants to get laid...and I don't fall for that.

When I am in a relationship or when I've dated someone a few times, it is easier to accept complements - but for someone I just met, don't try to flatter me the whole night, it makes me uncomfortable and start to worry if that is your game.  

This is the month of the fh?

So, this is the month I am supposed to meet my future husband...or so I convinced myself.  I know my time is coming, it has to be.  I feel great, I am optimistic about life, I am all around doing really well - I am ready.  But I am also not going out of my way to change anything - fate will happen when it happens.  But as it happened, the first 2 1/2 weeks of my September are insanely busy.  Things just started to fall into place - which might give me more opportunities than normal to get out and meet people.

The last reading said that I will meet my fh when I am with someone with the initial D and might be with another 1-2 people, there is an A around too.  This man in a suit will approach me.

So, here it goes, my September:

Saturday September 1:  I went for an eyebrow wax, did some house chores, and went to a BBQ birthday/pool party.  I didn't meet anyone new.

Sunday September 2:  Did I leave the house?  Can't meet anyone at home.  Oh wait, I did go out to get a delicious chicken & vegetable pizza - I think my new favorite. 

Monday September 3:  I did a little shopping and went to a movie.  There were some Dads there...but no one spoke to me.

Tuesday September 4:  I looked nice, grey pants, nice white fluffy shirt, black jacket, heels at work, flats for after.  During work at 3pm I had an off site meeting with the place I am arranging dinner next week.  I went with my boss, whose initial is D.   I didn't realize it until 2:30, that today was going to be the day, because when I realized my contact name at this place, Annie - I figured it had to be it!  I was excited...but no, I didn't meet anyone except for Annie.   After work, my co-worker and I went to an Italian restaurant for dinner and off to see War Horse.  No future husband tonight, but my co-worker is fantastic and I am really happy I met her.

Wednesday September 5:  After work I knew I was going to meet a girl, whose name starts with D, her mother and my mother for dinner.  I had on a nice vivid blue shirt.  Was tonight the night?  It wasn't...but that is OK, I am not sure I want to meet my future husband when my mom is right there.

Thursday September 6:  I looked great today, a nice fitting grey skirt and black top...but I knew that my evening plans that involved someone with the first name D...would not result in meeting my husband today:  I had three ladies over for bookclub. It was a fun and late night.

Friday September 7:  In the morning I cancelled my online dating site membership.  Even though it was wear jeans to work day - I went for a nice navy skirt & top since who knows how much longer it will be seasonable.  I finally got back ManFriend regarding drinks, but he had plans tonight...so I picked up two movies.  Would this be my last Friday night at home alone?

Saturday September 8:  What a rainy day...but I took the time to straighten my hair because you never know when you will meet someone.  I had a nutritionist appointment first thing in the morning, then I ran some errands.  I was at the library when I ran into ManFriend.  A little awkward.  Then I just did things around the house until 5pm when I left for Midevil Times.  There was a large male bachelor party or birthday party there...but I didn't pay them much mind. 

Sunday September 9:  I spent the morning/afternoon cleaning, doing laundry, and other house-related stuff.  Of course there was the need to rest since I have a busy/long week ahead.  But ManFriend texted to see if I wanted to "hang out" later so I went over and was shocked when he told me he wanted me to sleep over/start spending more time with me/go away.  He seems to tell me this whenever he is drunk, so I am not sure what to make of it.  But there is some truth is drunk words - and he kept saying how lucky he was that he 'had' me. Either way I am flattered.  But is NOW the time to start dating him? I was hesitant with an answer because I was hoping to meet my fh soon. 

Monday September 10: A perfect weather day. Perfect weather makes me feel happier for two reasons 1) my mood is great and 2) perfect hair.  Great combination for a day when you are going to meet someone.  After work I met up with my life coach at Starbucks.  There was a guy there that smiled at me...but I don't know how to read smiles so I smiled quickly and got back to my purpose. 

Tuesday September 11:  Another beautiful day and I wore a nice form fitting skirt and top and threw on a jacket since it was chilly.  I had three work meetings today that I went to with my boss (D) - while I didn't anticipate today being the day of meeting my fh, I did see some new people for the first time at one of the meetings.

According to Susan Miller, "In terms of love, married or single, your very best days for love are Wednesday, September 12, and Thursday, September 13, when Venus and Uranus will combine forces in a very positive way to set off sparks of excitement"...so let's see what happens in the next two days.

Wednesday September 12:  I made sure I looked nice today, because today might be the day.  I ended up wearing black pants and a new purple sleeveless shirt and black jacket to work. After work I checked into the hotel (for upcoming work meetings) and met up with my friend, whose name begins with D, for dinner at an empty but cheap Thai resturant then we headed over to see the Jersey Boys.  What a great show!  There were some men there..most with a woman on their arm.  My eye did keep catching one guy - but not because he was cute or looking at me...he has no idea I exist.  But he kept preventing me from enjoying the second act of the show since he had his phone out 90% of the time and was videoing the songs and taking pictures of the play.  Where were the 'security' people the whole second half?? I almost threw my purse at him a few rows ahead, but I couldn't be sure I would hit the right person.

Thursday September 13:  This is the day I've been waiting for.  Not because of the purple above, but because since April, I knew I'd have a work meeting this day in NYC.  Granted I knew that the attendees wouldn't be the fh, but I thought maybe on my way to/at the reception dinner I'd bump into someone.  I wore one of my nice suits, my hair looked good, and overall my mood was very good.  I didn't see that Annie person I mentioned a few days ago, and only met Claude who is not my fh.  So I have to say, I was a little disappointed at the end of the day that I didn't meet anyone new.

Friday September 14:  Still a work meeting.  I sat in the reception area a good chunk of my morning and thought maybe someone would come to the company for whatever purpose and we'd make small talk...but nope.  I was exhausted by the time I got home that it was an early Friday night for me.

Saturday September 15:  Not meeting my husband today...going camping instead.

Sunday September 16: Not meeting my husband today...I was sporty and did a rope course.

Monday September 17:  No husband today. 

Tuesday September 18:  I ended up meeting up with my high school friend, Kevin for 2 hours after work - I met a few of his friends...but nope.  No husbands there.  Then went to Stamford for dinner with an ex-coworker/friend, whose name begins with J. We didn't speak to anyone else.

Wednesday September 19:  I donated blood after work then went to ManFriend's place.  No new people at the blood drive.

Again, Susan Miller says September 20th will be a great day for love/date.

Thursday September 20:  I actually had a date tonight.  My male ex-coworker wanted to set me up on a date with him right after SI and I broke up...but I ruled him out when I saw his picture because it looked like he had redish hair.  As a group we saw each other out a few times - and in August he said he'd like to get to know me. I went along with it, while he has light hair and is kinda pale - he wasn't that bad.  A better date than I've had for a while.  His name begins with H. 

Friday September 21:  I ended up having lunch with my work friend...no one there. 

Saturday September 22:  Ah, the last day of what I thought might be the potential to meet someone; a wedding.  I was surprised so many people complemented me on how awesome I looked.  But, I didn't see one single [non-related] single guy there.

Sunday September 23:  Went to a little league football game...always keeping my eye out for a single dad, but I didn't see one.

Monday September 24: No future husband today.

Tuesday September 25: I went out to dinner with my references and my mother.  We went to a pretty nice place in a nearby town that has slightly more, how do I say it...cultured people.  There was a guy that kept looking at me. I made  eye contact once, but I am not really sure how to do it. So we didn't meet/talk or anything. 

Wednesday September 26:  I've been texting the guy I went out on the date with last Thursday.  Short little texts almost daily, but so far no word on if there will be another date.  I saw my brother-in-law and he told me he wanted to set me up on a date, so I gave him the go ahead to give out my number.

Thursday September 27: I met someone new from work whose name begins with S...but he too, is not my fh. Not even close.

Friday September 28:

Saturday September 29:  I tried yoga - there were 3 men but they were all old.  As the day progressed, I received a call from a new blind date and made plans to meet up just hours later.  His initial starts with J.  He is blondish with blue eyes and a baby face.  The date was fine, he was outgoing and nice; he did everything right.  But...I don't know about him either.  Is it his looks? His job? That he seems a bit young/immature/on different page than me?  But he didn't do anything wrong, so I am not opposed to meeting up again one more time to gather more info.

Sunday September 30:  I was supposed to have a second date with the guy from the 20th, but we rescheduled. No future husband today.

OK, so my hopeful month of September of finding my future husband wasn't.  But, that means I am only getting closer to meeting him.