My first Rockies game

When my family was in town, I thought it would be great to see a baseball game.  They love it...I am indifferent about baseball and don't even have a favorite team, but I've wanted to check out Coors Field and see a Rockies game.

We were close to the mile high seats...but it offered a great view of the field and the mountains.  The game was a surprisingly good one, where the runs were close and there were a bunch of hits.   I didn't know that the Rockies have a bad reputation of being a poor team...they did really well the night we went and actually won the game.

I was very impressed by the stadium as well.  It was clean, open, a lot of personnel everywhere.  The large popcorn came with free refills which was helpful with my group of nine.  I had a beer, ordered from the guy walking around.  It was $10 but it was big...very reasonable price considering its a ball game.  Speaking of beer.  Fun Fact.  Did you know that Blue Moon was created at Coors Field?

reentering the dating world

I decided to try this dating thing again after taking a few months off.  Since I was not meeting people inperson or through the few meetups I attended, I figured I should signup for the online dating site again.  I went with the one I did last time because it came out to be a smiggen cheaper and I already had a profile so it was less work.  

Being more proactive was a priority.  I needed to message men whose profiles I liked aside from just responding to first inquires.  Also, the last time I tried this if I went out with a guy and liked him enough to want to see him again/learn more about him, I didn't continue responding/meeting other people....a mistake.  

It started well.  A lot of interest, I couldn't keep up.  I narrowed it down to five guys to meet first.  Going against giving out my number prior to meeting, I gave out my number to this one guy before our first date.  He texted me a lot, called me a few times.  I didn't want to invest that much time takling to someone before I meet them...what was I thinking?   Anyway, he cancelled on me the morning of our date saying he had an emergency conference call that evening.  OK...but he didn't bother to reschedule nor did he ever text / call again.  No problem.  He wasn't my 'type' anyway.  

A few days later I met up with a guy with a full beard/mustache that was slightly tinted red.  I am not a red-head fan...but he seemed a little interesting.  He recently became a teacher and had hobbies I hope to maybe start enjoying.   We meet for drinks.  Since he picked the place and parking was a 2 hour limit...he limited our date to under 2 hours because he was a few minutes late.  Conversation was interesting and he was fairly easy to talk to.  I had a few concerns, but it wasn't anything big.  I wrap up the date telling him I was meeting a few other people over the next week, then going away so I'd be in touch towards the end of the month via online site; I didn't give him my number.

I run home, relax, freshen up and head out for my next date.  This guy is at the top of my age range...but there was something about his picture that I liked.  Of all five guys, this was the only one where I initiated the online conversation.  We met at a Mexican place.  I arrived early so I grabbed a high top near the bar.  I tend to only commit to drinks...I don't want to be tied into a meal with someone I might not like (I learned that in my 20s).  After 90 minutes we ordered dinner.  After a slow dinner, we walked around the complex.  After we walked around, he helped me find my car.  I gave him my phone number and we made plans to see each other in two days.  Our second date we car pooled into the city and went to this street thing - not a festival, more like a relaxing game filled street party?  We had lunch, went for a beer someplace else and just walked around.  We drove back to my car and I find saying goodbye in a car to be so awkward.  I lean in for a hug slash half missed kiss and just got out of the car. I think he had a huge smile on his face, but I was embarrassed by our awkward goodbye.  The following day we made plans for 3 days later to have an appetizer and see a movie.  3 dates with the same guy in 6 days....

In between date number 2 & 3 for the guy above, I met someone else.  He seemed very 'normal' in his pictures.  I arrived on time/early to the bar, grabbed a seat and waited.  He showed up a few minutes late and looked around and then had a seat in the reception area....really?   Strike one.  I go over and get him and bring him back.  He ordered an iced-tea because he was on call.   No problem, aside from that fact he drank like 10 and probably had a pound of sugar with it.  Just like with date #1, conversation was fairly easy...he talked so much and barely asked me anything.  I learned about him loving being an old child growing up because he was so spoiled, that his best friend encouraged him to film porn, about a road trip he took with an ex-girlfriend, that his favorite food is spaghetti but most importantly, at 41, his current age, he just got his first 'real' job, that he loves.  OK, so he tried to start his own business and that lasted about 5 years...but before that....we are talking PetSmart, Pizza Hut, etc.  He JUST moved into his own apartment to be closer to work, but lived with his mother for a long time.  Can I judge? I mean, I moved home to pay off my credit card debt.  And salaries are lower than most housing....so I get it...but...I don't know.  Seemed something was off.   I knew within 10 minutes I didn't want to see him again...but I allowed conversation to keep going for 90 minutes.  I tried a few times to wrap it up, but he was a talker!  I pay our tab.  At the end he was like 'I never know what to do at the end of a date'.  I know, it is complicated.  I responded "I'll be honest.  This week I had several dates lined up to meet people..."  where he interjected with "I am not surprised"   What does that mean??   anyway....I continue, "we should just wrap this up and that is it."  We walked out together and I felt like he wanted more....so I say, 'have a great night.  Drive safe" and walk to my car.  

That night, I check my profile and my possible date #5 was not available to meet my only free day that week; family in town.  So I explained that I won't be around until the end of the month...and if he was free and still interested we can think about getting together in a few weeks.  

So, it was an interesting first re-attempt at dating.  I am glad I booked a few dates in a week...not only did it give me something to do, but I am continually learning how to talk on dates.  I don't go into first dates nervous anymore...but if it gets to date #3 I start to panic.  I mean...this is where it has the potential to see yourself possibly in a relationship with the person.  All that down the line thinking freaks me out.  I get so nervous about the first kiss.  getting naked. having sex.  not knowing how much to share when they ask questions to avoid not lying but not saying everything.  judgement...will they like the food I cook/bake for them?  Does he snore?  Is he messy?  Could he be a good father.  Am I too big for him?  Such thoughts start creeping in and I try so hard to push them away and just be in the moment and see where it takes you...but I over think and over analyze.  

a year of savings

Before I moved I decided to purchase the AAA membership at $52, not for the roadside assistance since that came with my car, but because I knew I'd be traveling a lot and hoped the discounts would exceed what I purchased the membership for.

I also knew I wanted to see a lot this past year, and therefore I purchased the National Park Pass early into my trip knowing that in twelve months, it should pay for itself.

So, let's see if there was any savings from July 2014 - July 2015.

National Park Pass Purchase Price:  $80

• Lincoln Boyhood Home  $3 me and $3 guest = $6
• Badlands $15
• Scotts Bluff NM $3
• Rocky Mountain National Park $20 (aug)
• Florissant Fossil Beds NM $3
• Rocky Mountain National Park $20 (sept)
• Maroon Bells $10
• Rocky Mountain National Park $20 (jan) --> pass paid for itself +17 savings. Everything else is additional savings.
• Colorado National Monument $10 (may)
• Canyonlands National Park $10 (may)
• Arches National Park $10 (may)
• Great Sand Dunes $10 (july)
• Mesa Verde $15  (july)
• Rocky Mountain National Park $20  - my roommate (july)

Total National Park savings: $92.00



AAA discount Purchase Price: $52

• Corvette Museum $4 (two people)
• Hotel in Ohio (July) $10
• Hotel in Kentucky (July) $10
• Graceland Admission $6 (two people)
• Hotel in Tennessee (July)  $5
• Hotel in Kansas $13 (two nights)
• Hotel in South Dakota (July) $5 ....already saved $1.  Everything else is additional savings.
• Hotel in Nebraska (July) $15
• Squirrel Cage Jail $1
• Stanley Tour $6 (two people)
• Campsite (May) $11.50

Total AAA savings: $34.50

AAA automatically renewed at the start of my end month, so I had to write a letter, explain I moved and mail back my card and hope they refund me $52.  


Total card savings:  $126.50.  I'd say it was well worth it!

Hiking the Sand Dunes

The Great Sand Dunes National Park is pretty amazing.  I was there back in 2010 I think and went back this month with visiting family.

what you see as you approach the park

As we drove up, I was slightly disappointed, they looked so small from my memory.  But it is pretty nestled up against the mountains.

But I remembered how difficult it was walking up them, and how I wanted to go farther but we weren't prepared.  At that time, I didn't know about elevation sickness, and we did this the day after we arrived in Colorado.  We also only had one water bottle between the two of us.  So, I prepared a little more for this trip.  I told my family to start drinking water before they flew out, it was not on the itinerary until day 3 or 5...so that would help.  I also got a few extra camel backs.  Originally it was scheduled earlier in the day when the sun wasn't as strong...but it ended up being midday the day, I'd figure it out.

Medano Creek

We arrive at the park and the Medano Creek was wider than I thought.  Some family seemed annoyed with me that they had to cross this and didn't want to get their shoes wet.   Two went back to get flipflops...but how far can you walk in hot sand in flipflops?  The others crossed the creek in their sneakers no complaints, and a handful of smarties took off their shoes walked across and put them back on.  It was only about 1 - 3 inches deep in certain areas.

Probably doesn't look as steep as it was

The walk to the beginning of the sand dunes was a bit away from the parking lot.  A handful of my group did their thing at the closest dunes.  I left one water pack with them and the rest of us carried on.  It takes a while to walk across the sand...and which of the boys were pushing their limits and out challenging each other to climb not across the crests, but up vertical slopes...so that took a while.  They climbed up....I ended up climbing horizontal to meet them...which I thought would be faster than hiking up the crests, which would have zigzagged back around and would have taken too long to the parched kids.

The highest dune in the park is Star Dune at 750 feet.  I'd say that my brother-in-law and a nephew made it to 725 feet to one of the peaks.   I probably made it 680 feet or so...but stayed behind with some of the other kids who were exhausted.

Then we headed back down.  Going down was easier than going up of course.  I wish I thought to bring/rent those sand boards because it looked fun...and cardboard didn't really work so well.  There is a restaurant/visitor shop right before the entrance that rents them....you don't need to go as far as Alamosa first.

Our little sand hike took about 2 hours.  Our trip ended right before the afternoon rain.  I wish we got there earlier so we had more time...but it was another fabulous trip!  One I know the family will talk about for a while.

almost accidental mis-dial

Mountain Man's name is S.  I talk to him somewhat regularly...less now than before, but still a few times a month.  I think my phone automatically made him a favorite.

My brother-in-law's name is S.  I see him at family things and when I go over, but very rarely do I have a need to email or text him.  Holiday, party or fantasy football emails are about it.  When I was on a trip with my sister and her family a few weeks ago, I did need to text and call my brother-in-law S about an item in the store, location, whatever.

During the trip, there was an incident when I was composing a text to Mountain Man, where I did not respond to a text, but rather took a picture and then sent it to him.  But as I was typing in S....SI's name came up.  They are listed a little different, one by full name, one by nickname.  But I am SO glad I realized that before I hit send!  It was a great scenic picture....but you don't send a random person a picture for no reason!

And a day later when I was calling my brother-in-law about a grocery item, I selected SI.  I swear this never happened before, I don't think. I don't think I've ever accidentally called or texted him.  Again, thank goodness the call didn't start and I actually looked at my phone before hitting the green button...because most times I just put the phone to my ear without looking.

So I started to wonder, why is SI still in my phone?   Then I remembered....google syncs my contacts.  So while I may have removed him from my phone the several times I got a different phone, he still ends up back there.  Do I remove him from my email contacts?  I don't know. I mean, sure, I have no need to talk to him, but I haven't deleted anyone in years...you never know when you need to contact someone.  Do I still know his phone number?  Yeah, the phone number he had when we were together will forever be stuck in my head...just as my childhood phone number or my aunt's number is.  Maybe he doesn't even have it anymore and my almost accidental phone call and text wouldn't have been answered by a confused ex-boyfriend!

But what if he did answer?  What if he answered and I had no idea I called him.  Would he even believe that?  And most likely I would have been like"  him: "this is S." or "hello"  me: "so, they don't have strawberry flavored, what is your next choice" or "I am all done, pull around and I'll hop in"  or some other ridiculous in the moment conversation that would make no sense to someone I haven't talked to him years.   He'd call me out on calling the wrong S...and I'd be left a few thoughts behind, stumbling, sounding not only embarrassed but flaky.  Wrong impression. If I were to converse, it needs to be on my terms, when I have time to think, not be all confused!!

Maybe he would respond that I am a stalker and clearly not over him and I need to get a life.  I think some of that was our last conversation...but funny thing was he initiated contacting me!  Whatever happens, I doubt he'd be nice about it.  He had a bit of an egotistical problem way back when.

Anyway, mistakes happen.  I should end this post by going to my phone and removing him....just in case something like that happens again in the future.  

But two different kinds of incidents only a month apart...what is going on universe???

driving up America's Mountain

In 2010 I took the Cog Railway up to Pikes Peak, so when I had family in town, I suggested the train ride because it was fun and you didn't have to make that 19 mile drive.  But when we arrived we were told a train derailed near the station and no further train would be running that day.  What to do? That was all we had planned.  

I sucked it up and decided we would drive up.  Driving saved us a bunch of money, only costing $40 but I was a little nervous to drive up America's Mountain.  I asked the toll gate lady about the drive and she said "there are guard rails where they are needed"that made me feel better and we began our ride.  

Our first stop was the big foot sign just after Mile Marker 3.  This sign was placed on the highway to mark the approximate location where a visitor spotted a Big Foot like creature in 2001.  I know that sounds crazy....a sign for one sighting?  But no, apparently there have been multiple sightings (read here).  Are you curious how to report a big foot sighting?  I know I was so I looked it up.  Go here.  

The drive continued through an aspen forest with little elevation gain, I was happy.  I thought, I got this no problem! But I knew I'd be going above the tree line soon enough.  We stopped at a dam (which would offer an even more beautiful view in the fall when the aspen's change) then continued up.  

Soon my sister in the back seat started to panic.  The road  started to get windy as it weaved up the switchbacks.  Where are those guard rails?  

where are the guard rails?????

When we crossed the tree line I told my passengers to keep their eye out for wildlife.  And sure enough we saw mountain goats.  One was even in the middle of the road (which is why we started looking around).

After a bit more, we finally reached the summit.  I was glad to have a break from driving!  While my passengers had things to tend to, my nephew & I went into the visitor center and got a few doughnuts hoping that would calm...or rather distract everyone else's bellies.  We took in the views from the "America the Beautiful" sign and then made our way to the Pikes Peak Summit sign for photos.

We only got a short time for viewing the scenery before the clouds moved in.  They kept rising and soon it even started to hail.

After spending about 40 minutes in the visitor center looking around and standing in a line, which took forever, we headed back to the car.  I was dreading the ride back down.  I put the car in low gear, and I knew better enough to ride the brakes the whole time, but there are signs posted for those that don't know that.  It was still a little scary driving down, but it wasn't as bad as I thought, and I actually enjoyed the view a lot more, maybe because I knew what to expect.

 When we got back home, my family presented me with a certificate that I made it to the summit for driving up there.  In a way I am glad we couldn't take the train and I drove up.  I have been very curious about driving some of these mountains after driving through Rocky Mountain NP a few times.  Next up is driving up Mt. Evans, which is the highest paved road in North America.

work accomplishments, finally

I've been at my job about five and a half months.  It has been a long, fast, and overwhelming 5 months.  The office was so outdated, with way too much paper, antiquated systems, and just overall needed a huge makeover.  I still remember my first day when I wanted to cry looking around at how much work this was going to be.   How long would it take?  Would I quit before I finish some of the projects?

Finally, this past two weeks, I had my first accomplishment, our organization was approved to be included in this other organization for fundraising purposes.  They attempted to get approval a few years ago, but it was a lot of work.  It took 2 months before I was able to submit our application, and then another 3 weeks to revise it before final approval.  One huge thing off my to-do list.  Now I need to focus on getting it out there and hope that people will donate.

My second accomplishment was three months in the making, a new website.  I didn't want to tell people where I worked because they would google it and it could come up and I'd be embarrassed.  It was that bad.  The website was atrocious.  It was probably the original website.  The lady before me hated to throw anything away, and the website was no different, our events page was filled with events that took place like 8 years ago.  At one point she highlighted, in many different colors, the days and times of events.  It was such an eyesore. Instead of just fixing the pages, we decided it would be better to start fresh.  And, with everything going digital the website needed to be mobile friendly too.  Sadly, we don't have a lot of money, they didn't want to pay anyone and they just assumed I would do it even though I told them over and over again I am not a web developer.  You know how long it would take me to learn how to do that? And that would suck up so much of my time.  I was expressing my concern and a friend suggested some of those cheap drag & drop websites.  OK, sure, it isn't ideal for our organization, but I was going to make it work.  I told the relevant work people to send me their updates...but no one ever did.  There was no committee.  There was no help.  It was frustrating, but I did it.  And while it isn't the nicest most professional website, at least it is an improvement over the old website.  And it is much easier for me to update, which is important.

After creating a color scheme (that was based on my shower curtain colors), I created a new newsletter design.  The previous newsletters were standard Publisher templates and they just switched up the color themes for each edition.  I went through them and they didn't change the format for 10 years, I figured it was time.   I took the initiative and started to redo it and figured I'd send it for approval after they saw what an improvement it was instead of being wishy washy having too many opinions.  I still using publisher, but I've reorganized the layout and I told our newsletter editor that we don't need articles that take up a whole sheet of paper.  Sometimes shorter is better, or a mix. We are way late in getting the newsletter out, but once it does, it will have the same colors as the website, hopefully this will help.  Maybe no one will ever notice.

On the almost finished list is cleaning/rearranging the offices.  Our space is not ideal for us, but I have to make do with what we have right now.  This will take a while longer, but I actually feel like progress was made.  For it to get where it is at today, I had to go through about 30 boxes of papers, keep or get rid of, and then figure out how to refile.  I still have more boxes to go through, it seems never ending.  We have so much paper.  We have all these things we needed....but in paper form so I decided we are going to start scanning everything, that would free up three huge filing cabinets.   The scanning process is extremely slow, it  might take us a year...but then we'll just have to reorganize the room again.  Here are some before and afters....

File Room Before

File Room After

Bathroom Before & After

Storage Closet Before & After

My office and the other office still need work...so that those pictures will come at a later date.

So, what's still on the list?

• we have two storage cages in the basement that needs to be gone through.  There are papers that need to be filed or tossed.  Many need to be kept, but they need to be organized.   
• we have about 80 boxes of books that we are not using in our library....so those will either be tossed, donated or sold.  If they are to be sold, I will create a 'bookstore' on the new website and hopefully reach other people outside our area.  This will take longer than I'd like it to because I am relying on other people to go through all these books - and they claim they don't have a lot of free time.
• creation of policies and a policy manual...I started drafts of a few, but really the Board needs to review/approve them, that can take a long time.  More challenging...I need to do this for two organizations, not just one.
• Fundraising.  This is an area I don't have any experience in....but it is something we really need.  One step was accomplished by setting up the account that I spoke about above, but that isn't enough, we really need to get the name out there a little more.
• Quickbooks needs a bit of fixing. I started to fix line items and reclassify the chart of accounts, but it still needs a bit of work.   Our fiscal year just started, so, I'd like to get this done soon, or work on it throughout the year so it makes more sense.   Again, I have to do this for two or three organizations.
• And of course there are the smaller projects.

I want to find love too

so let's see....Doofy got married last month.  Old Man went to Antigua with an official girlfriend last month.  Last year Greasy/Skeevy got married and had a baby.  I think Mountain Man is dating someone, although he hasn't said so but he talks to me a lot less frequently and doesn't respond as quickly to emails and texts.

Me?  I am still single.  I barely dated.

I am starting to wonder that maybe having a boyfriend or a husband just isn't my thing.   I can't get married if I don't date.  And I don't have luck with anyone wanting to date me that I might be interested in.

The two guys I attempted dates with this year were either secretly gay or a massive farter with slight fangs.

I just read this an article this morning about a man in the middle east who didn't shower for 60 years who is looking for his soul mate.   If he finds love before me....I really have a problem.  I shower.  I'm not 80 yet.  I don't smoke animal poop, or anything else for that matter.

What will this mean for my future?   I suppose I should really start looking for a bigger place to live first.  Well, no, I guess i need to decide if I want to stay in Colorado or not.  Once I have a place that has more bedrooms, I should really start taking the classes to get certified in foster care or maybe skip that and go straight to adoption.

While I don't mind living alone, I feel like my life will be very unfulfilled if I don't share it with someone.  All this time I was thinking I wanted to share it with a person of a similar age, a companion....but maybe looking after someone is what I need.  You know I love trying to help people, and there are so many kids that don't have anyone that need help.  BUT, as a friend recently pointed out to me that I get attached and give all my love and it would crush me if the foster kid goes back to their family.  So, I keep wondering, maybe temporary isn't for me.

Whatever happens in my future, I feel like I am always way behind everyone else.  Not that it is a competition.  Do I have unconscious issues that I need psychoanalysis for?  Did I mess up a past life and the one thing I want in this life I can't have?

I wish them all well of course, but I won't lie - I am a bit jealous, I want to find love too.

no happier

I moved because I wasn't happy in New York.  It was very stressful living alone, working with a lower salary, paying student loans, the commute, the lack of good friends, the dark dreariness of fall & winter.  I hoped that Colorado would bring some happiness back into my life.

But I am the same person.  I didn't change just because I moved.  I still have a hard time meeting people, so I don't really have friends, I am still living this extremely solo independent life.  I am still at a job that pays less than it should, so my financial situation hasn't really improved.  I am still paying off my student loans, but now I also have a car payment.  My current commute sucks, I wonder how did I complain about taking a train to work when I sit in traffic in the car which is worse in my opinion. I have a roommate.  The sun...the sun is an area of improvement.  I love it.  And when it is cloudy or overcast for the whole day, I feel it.

Was this all worth it?? I am at the same happiness level I think.  But it has been good for me because I don't have anyone I can rely on here and that is a bit of a test.  I had space to think. I had space to mourn. I had time to cry.  I have so much free time that I am wasting because I am either tired of doing things alone or don't have the finances to do it, or don't know where to go.

I've met a few people who also moved out here, and they adjusted much better than I have.  They made friends, they keep busier, they met guys or are dating.

Maybe that just isn't the life I am destined to have.

someone I used to know

I've been needing a sign, or rather, I need to figure out how to identify and interpret the signs.  I feel so confused, more so this month than in the last 4 months.  A friend gave me this stone to rub for clarification.   I tried it; I thought about the areas I want clarification in while gently rubbing the stone, then I put it down on got on with my to-do.

Someone LinkedIn requested me, so I go on to accept that, and under People You May Know is SI.  This is within 2 minutes of rubbing the stone.  I haven't thought about SI in any kind of way in ages.  I miss that period of my life when I had a somewhat reliable person to have feelings for and thought I had a future involved with a man...but other than that....nothing.  Was this a sign?  And if so, what the fuck does it mean???  It's bad enough his mistress and best friend occasionally view me and he popped into my feed one day 2 years ago, but I had his email blocked, he shouldn't appear on my screen.  Hmm, maybe he has a different email.

I stared at his picture for probably 4 minutes.  Thoughts came to me.

I clearly remember a conversation he had with me about 3 years into our relationship about him feeling less attracted to me because I gained about 5-10 pounds.  He told me I needed to take care of myself and go to the gym.  I ended up buying a treadmill and spent a bit of time on that...but of course it wasn't enough.  Mind you at the time he gained probably the same amount of weight but that was fine with him.

As I stare at his picture, I can't help but think of what time does.  I haven't seen him in person since 2010 and just those two times his photo appeared in my email/linkedin.   He looks a good 50 pounds heavier than he did ten years ago.  Add 5-10 years too because of all the facial hair.  If I didn't know who he was and he approached me...I highly doubt I would have been interested, as desperate as I think I might be...I am not.   But that tiny smile, it might have eventually got me again and he somewhat resembles my father with that full beard and they say you go for people who look like your parents/siblings.   It's a fine look, but when you know what someone looked like, it is a bit drastic.

I'm not saying I look as good now as I did ten

2001 or 2002 (few months in).  2006 (end of relationship).  2015

years ago.  It is clear I am aging and gained weight.  I have grey hair, bags under my eyes and a huge crease under my cheek that is evident when I smile.  In all my 'professional' pictures l look exhausted.  Probably because they were all taken during or after a long day/conference and I have little makeup left and can't fake a good smile.  Maybe I should look into a portrait studio or something cause I don't want to be seen by people who haven't seen me in years to look old and weathered.

Does attraction lesson when you haven't seen someone?  When I see a picture of Cop#1, I am still so attracted to him, if I stare long enough, I might get a little wet.  He sees me the same way.  That kind of attraction is incredible. I had it with ManFriend too, but with him it wasn't just the attraction, it was more of a magnetic pull.  I felt nothing looking at SI, but maybe it also has something to do with me not being attracted to him when we first met over 13 years ago but he grew on me the longer we were together and I soon found him cute.  If I ended up with SI, would he look how he does now? Would he have taken into consideration what I find attractive with his style?  It doesn't matter because the reality is if we were still together, I'd love him no matter what he looked like because of love, the emotional connection and well, just because it is who I chose to be with.

I was very happy to see he is doing well salary-wise, making a salary 2-4 times what I make (not counting the benefits, bonuses and all those extras that I don't get) based on his title and place of employment.  I am not surprised; when we were together he was doing well, but then I guess you'd have to be if you were in two relationship and had all those expenses of dates and guilt gifts.  Did he look happy?  I don't know, it was hard to tell, but I am sure he's met most of his goals both professionally and personally.

The good thing is when I look at his picture, I feel nothing.  And if that is who I am associating my past with...it is easier to not feel than think about what I am missing out on.  If he looked more-or-less the same as when we were together, maybe I would have wondered.  But at this point, it was so long ago and the damage was too devastating to even want to think of what might have been.  He is just someone I used to know.  Talk about progress and how far I've come.  So, really, what does he have to do with my seeking clarification in my life???

If he is out there and going through a hard time, I wish him well. If he was diagnosed with some terminal disease...karma's a bitch and I hope he thinks about what he did to me and the lasting effects/damage on my life.  But that would also mean the death of 3 of 4 special men in my life (preceded by Kevin & ManFriend) what would be the odds of that?  So, SI wherever you are....you've consumed my energy for the last few days...I hope that you received all that energy/focus and used it however you needed.

18 months without ManFriend

ManFriend,
It's been 18 months since you passed, and your unbirthday is near.  I have your blurry picture hanging up in my room, so I am greeted with your flirty smile everyday.  I cry less than I did last year, but every once in a while I will think of something or see something that brings back a memory and I tear up.  I have debated sending your family a thinking of you card again, but they never met me and knew virtually nothing about me...so does that seem weird, crazy or stalker like? Or is it a comfort knowing that someone loved you and misses you?  Or are other women doing the same thing - and I just look like a fool?

I've reread some of my posts from when we were involved and we were so stupid.  There were so many ups and downs.  I thought I was ready for a relationship but I didn't find what I was looking for with you.  You weren't ready.  Did the cancer hold you back from doing the fun companionship things I needed? Was it me? Or you?  Why was I so stubborn and refused to tell you I loved you until you almost moved to NJ, when I felt it many months before, even before you did?

It's done. I can't change the past.  And I don't think you knew how deeply I felt about you.  And that is what saddens me.  I came so close to telling you the last time I saw you...that I (still) loved you and I wanted to hug and kiss you so badly.  I didn't think it would be the last time I saw you.

So, I asked you to watch over me for two years.  I guess there is only 6 months left of the angel watching over me thing I requested.  It's been a busy 18 months.  The depression, the sale of the apartment, moving twice, quitting a job, finding a job, finding a temporary place to live.  I guess all that turned out OK.   All that is left of my list is finding a more permanent place to live - am I supposed to be in Colorado? or somewhere else?  Will I rent or buy? and finding a man.  I'd like to give love a third try.  Maybe this time I'll stop messing it up and actually find a guy that loves me just as much as I love him.  I learned a lot from my first relationship and with our nonrelationship and I think I am ready this time around.  Also, I am still debating the fostering/adopting a child(ren) thing.  Colorado isn't as cheap as I had hoped it would be...so it would be financially challenging as well as the regular challenges of doing it solo....but so many conquer one or both of those....so I shouldn't let those fears hold me back.

I miss our friendship.  I miss how comfortable I was with you.  I miss watching and learning about sports with you. I miss cooking and baking for you.  I miss kissing you.  And as much as I hated it at the time, I miss knowing exactly what you wanted and how to please you....no variety but just knowing how much I turned you on....that is hot in and of itself.

A ladybug flew into my car the other day when I was sitting in traffic for over an hour.  I hadn't seen a lady bug since I moved out here and one other day when kids were playing in my backyard and found one.  Somehow now, I associate a ladybug with you.  I like to think you are nearby.

love,
me

I did it again....camping

Well, I did it again. I camped.  My first attempt was in September 2012 and after that, I figured, sure, I could sleep in a tent.

So, when I started looking into Moab, the hotels were selling out fast and I didn't want to spend $200 a night for hotels when I wanted to be there for at least 4 days.  It seemed I either had to wait or suck it up and try sleeping in a tent.

I remembered my last experience when I was freezing.  This time I researched sleeping bags and ended up buying one of those mummy 0 degree ones and a sleeping pad.  I borrowed a tent and lantern from my room mate.

Site.  See how close the neighbors are.

I had full days planned, so really, this was just a place to sleep and I chose this RV resort because it had a bathroom/shower and other people close by, since I'd be alone, this seemed safe.  (And I didn't want to chance the non reservations at the parks...but also that is real camping, I am not ready for that).

yea, finally, a mallet.  Now we can get this up

My friend ended up joining me.  She never did this before, so it was the blind leading the blind with me some how being the 'expert' since I booked the trip.  When we arrived at the campsite, we attempted to put up the tent.  Tent assembly is relatively easy, however the ground was as hard as a rock, and a mallet was not included in my roommates tent bag.  We struggled trying to get our posts into the ground.  I asked a neighbor if they had a mallet I could borrow, but he said they also didn't bring one and he struggled to get his in.  We continued for about 20 minutes trying to swirl and push and pound the pegs.  My friend didn't stop complaining and kept saying we needed a mallet, but yet was unwilling to ask anyone.  I finally got up and asked the other neighbor if they had one and they graciously let us borrow it.  Then it was fairly easy.  Note to self, buy a mallet, maybe keep it in the car.

The reservation at the campsite was for three nights, so once the hard part of putting it up was done, it was little work.  The following day my friend said she wanted to BBQ.  Yikes, this was not on my to-do because I didn't bring any of this equipment.  I hadn't started a fire except for in a fireplace at Mountain Man's house a few years ago.   I was dreading it, but it was something she really wanted to do, so we'd figure it out.    After the day at Arches, we were worn out and knew it would be an 'early' night, perfect for grilling.  We went to the store.  Spent like $25 on food.  Another $5 on wood and $5 on matches and Vaseline, oh and $1 for ice.  As I was dicing up the veggies and chicken, she begins the fire.  But it started to downpour; hard.  she runs into the car and I am left to clean up and get things in the cooler.  I sat in the car too and after 15 minutes we decide to go to the brewery to wait it out.  Along the way is when we got the ice so we wouldn't give ourselves food poisoning.  I ask Mountain Man how to start a fire when our wood was drenched.  He suggested the Vaseline.  Once the rain stopped and we headed back, friend needed to use bathroom and make calls.  Instead of just waiting around twiddling my thumbs, I figured I'd start on the fire, it was already 7.  It was slow, but I started to get it going, but let it die out when friend looked extremely upset that I started the fire when she wanted to.  So, after about 45 minutes, our fire was up and going.  We cooked our foil packets of chicken with vegetables and by 8:30 or 9:00 pm we were eating.  Since the fire was still going, we decided to make smores, because what kind of camping didn't involve smores?


All in all, I really enjoyed the 'camping' thing.  I can totally handle more than just sleeping in a tent at this point, but not ready enough to camp in an area that had no facilities.

My sleeping bag was so hot and restricting for someone who sleeps flamingo; I couldn't sleep in it this time but used it for padding and when the occasional chill happened.  I know it will be a good bag for the future.  The sleeping pad was good, and considering I got it at Costco for $36 instead of a place like REI for $120....because I wasn't sure if I'd do it again, it worked out perfectly and I didn't feel the rocks and uneven ground under me, which is kinda the point.

I left those few days thinking that if only I was willing to try this sooner, my moving trip from NY to CO could have been a lot different, longer and even more enjoyable.  I could have really taken my time, visited places and stayed in places longer than I could have by renting a hotel room, I could have seen more.   But, I try not to believe in regrets and what could have been, I just need to remember this for the future.

Tower Arch Trail and overviews at Arches NP

I originally signed up for a hike at Fiery Furnace at Arches National Park.  The park service offers this hike for $10 (in addition to park entry fees) but books up months in advance.  Since I planned my trip only a month out, taking the tour with the park rangers was not an option, but several tour companies offer this tour for about $85-90 with a smaller group of people and have more availability on shorter notice.  I struggled with paying $85 for a hike, but all the reviews I read sounded incredible and thought since I was going alone, it would be great to see part of the park I normally wouldn't.

When my friend decided to come along, I called the tour company and they said no problem getting an extra permit, but alas, when we arrived the day of for the hike, they did not have permits for us.  I was pissed, naturally, and part of my "new york" came out, fine, I couldn't go on the hike, but what happened to contacting me prior to my arrival?  Anyway, so the guy who turned me away told me about Tower Arch trail, which is 7 miles off the main paved street that goes through the park.  He said I'd like the trail because it was terrain unlike I've ever seen.  

We stop at several overlooks (courthouse towers, balanced rock, and one other) before arriving at Salt Valley (dirt) road leading to the trail.  There was only one other car there that pulled in right after us, and that group soon passed us.

Tower Arch

The trail was a good one; but certainly not terrain I've never hiked before, as the guide implied.  It starts with some stairs and inclines, then goes through a valley, a view of the Marching Men then up and through sand and soon after you reach the arch.  It isn't shady, so it gets hot, I drank 2.5 liters of water round trip.  While the elevation gain is only about 100 feet, it is up, down, up, down, up. 

Tower Arch is a 92 foot span arch, which I believe was the arch used for publicity when the park first opened.  We stopped here for a small picnic lunch and then headed back the way we came, just as the thunder started to roll in.  On our way out, we passed two other small groups on their way to the arch, so this trail is definitely off the beaten path.

After we finished our trail, we figured we'd check out some of the arches and headed north to Devils Garden trail head.  I didn't look at the map or factor being there so long, so we didn't carry our water, but I wish we had.  The day grew very hot and I started dragging from exhaustion and thirst.  The paved path to Pine Tree Arch and Tunnel Arch was easy enough and we continued on to Landscape Arch, which has the longest span of any arch in North America at 306 feet.  We stopped for a quick view at Lower Delicate Arch viewing area so my friend can see one of the most famous arches and we left the park, exhausted.

Canyoneering Morning Glory / Ephedra's Grotto

I was in Moab for a day back in 2008 and with this trip, I wanted to be sure that I experienced something different, especially if I was taking a solo trip.  I signed up with Red River Adventures to canyoneering/hiking Morning Glory / Ephedra's Grotto, the thought of rappelling kinda scared me, I did indoor rock climbing once about five years ago, and the first climb and rappel were scary, but I got used to it by the end, I was hoping that little bit of experience would help me with this, since instead of climbing up a wall, you are going down it, a lot less work.   But, naturally, I still panicked.

The first rappel - 85 feet

We start the hike by going over petrified sand dunes to get to our first of the two rappels was.  The first was a 90 foot drop through a classic water carved chamber that was quite narrow towards the top before opening up at the bottom.  Our tour guide set up all the ropes and attached himself so he could belay us from above.  He went over how to 'brake' by the position of our hands and the rope and ideally how to go down smoothly.   Walking backwards over the cliff is slightly terrifying at first.  I didn't look down, just straight ahead at my feet against the wall.  I kept taking deep breaths while slowly moving the rope through my hands to slowly decent and next thing I knew, I was on the ground.  Hands shaking a bit, but I was so proud of myself and was really glad I signed up for this excursion.

We exit this area through a small slot and need to scramble through rocks to get to a more open area.  Here our guide went to set up for rappel number two and we had a moment to explore a grotto.

Second rappel, 120 feet mostly free hanging

The second rappel was next to Morning Glory Bridge (243 feet span) and was a 120 foot drop down, with about 20 feet at the top to walk down and the rest was a free hanging drop.  Our ropes were attached to a stone pile and a tree, not anchored into the wall like the first.  Going over the side, I slipped and dangled until I was able to readjust my feet against the wall.  This area was more open and having just did the first one, I was slightly more comfortable, but yet a little worried what the free hanging part was going to be like.  Within moments the wall slipped back and very slowly I maneuvered down.  Sadly, I didn't really take the time to enjoy the view behind me, which many say is pretty, but focused on the fear and adrenaline and my accomplishment of having done this.  Since I was the first one down, I played photographer for the rest of our group and helped them release their ropes when they got to the bottom.

The hike out was on the Negro Bills Trail, which was about 2 miles crossing over, several times, a small stream with cottonwoods and willow trees and next to sandstone cliffs. Our guide pointed out where the poison ivy was, rock formations, soils, erosion, and other interesting information along the way.

I am so glad I tried this.  Would I do it again?  Yeah, I would...but I would want to go indoor rock climbing prior to get 'ready' so I could enjoy the views more next time around.

Canyonlands

I was in Moab in 2008 but didn't get to Canyonlands National Park so it was a must see this time around.  Canyonlands is divided into three sections, Island in the Sky which is the most popular, the Needles about 60 miles south of Moab and the Maze which has no paved roads.  You can't pass through any of the districts within the park by car, you have to drive all the way around, which could take 2 to 6 hours.

Enjoying the view

My first stop was to the Needles District because it is less frequented by visitors and from what I heard, the hikes were better there than in the Island of the Sky.  I didn't really plan anything in particular, so I looked at the suggested short hikes in the newspaper I got at the pay station and selected the Slickrock Trail which is 2.4 miles and they claim 2 hours; I'd say we did the trail in 3.5 hours.  This was the first 'real' hike my friend ever did, so we went at a very slow leisurely pace.  My friend saw her first cactus, and had many other firsts.
The trail is an easy walk over sandstone and offers four 'view points' with each being more beautiful than the next, if that is possible.

Needles

The first over look offers views of six shooter peak, Elaterite Butte, Cathedral Butte, Ekker Butte, the Needles, La Sal Mountains and the Abajo Range.  Although this was within minutes of starting the trail, this is where we had a small picnic lunch.  The second view point looks over Upper Little Spring Canyon, where they claim you have a good chance of seeing big horn sheep; we didn't see any.  At the third viewpoint you see Lower Little Spring Canyon.  And the fourth viewpoint, is the most spectacular and there is a short path off this that requires a little more climbing, but it is well worth it.

Island in the Sky view

The following day we headed to Island of the Sky mesa, which is the northern part of the park, we were only here about 2-3 hours because of other plans, but we still were able to see magnificent views due to all the pullouts and over looks.  The mesa is over 1,000 feet above the surrounding terrain.

A quick visit to Colorado National Monument

I stopped at Colorado National Monument on my way to Utah.  I honestly wasn't sure what Colorado National Monument was going to be like but I love national parks and monuments that, why not see it if I was going right by it?

Colorado National Monument rises more than 2,000 feet above the Grand Valley of the Colorado River and is part of the Colorado Plateau.  The colorful walled canyons, rock sculptures and mesa top mountain were well worth the drive through the park.

We entered from the East side and drove North through the park. We stopped at all the overlooks and took in the scenery.  We drove through sun, rain, and when we were at on overlook, it started to hail quite hard.

I was a little disappointed that the visitor center closed at 4:30 PM, I got there minutes before 5 PM to get my stamp and bypassed the last few stops....ultimately for no reason.  

the Royal Arch

The Royal Arch is located in the Flatirons.  I drove to Chatauqua Park and met a meetup group by the ranger station.  I was a little nervous going into this hike, being rated moderate to strenuous and I knew there were lots of stairs.  Before I moved to Colorado, I never had any breathing problems, but now, I think I have asthma so the hikes and snowshoeing turn out to be less fun as I struggle to catch my breath.  But, with an upcoming trip, I figured I needed the warm up.

I went from being in the front of the pack at the beginning to the last one within 20 minutes of our hike, and last I stayed all the way. I was essentially hiking alone, which is fine when you can't maintain conversations anyway.  I stopped for a lot of breaks and sips of water.  The elevation gain was 1,205 feet with a lot of 'stairs'.

It took me 80 minutes to get to the arch.  It was pretty, but crowded, not just with the meetup group (who apparently had a long lunch up there) but also with lots of other hikers who passed me along the way.  I ate a bar, took a few photos, rested about 10 minutes and then the group headed back down.   I was able to talk to a handful of people on the way down, and down only took about 20-25 minutes.  I am glad I went, and for the first hike of the season, it will only get better.

The trail is 3.2 miles round trip, very popular, and a good hike.  I suggest you give it a try!

Info

the clouds of Colorado

The sky in Colorado is amazing and looks different so often.  At times the weather changes fast, clear blue skys in the morning and then thunderstorms for a while in the afternoon.  Sometimes you can't even seen the foothills and mountains.

first day in Colorado

conceding

I had an epiphany.

I realize I get into certain situations where I say "no" a few times because it is something I don't want to do, but after being asked a few times, I concede.  Then I feel worse about myself because I am doing what I don't want to do.  Not only may the action be bad/uncomfortable, but it is the internal feeling that I feel during and after - it is hard to describe but it is similar to a roller coaster of emotions.

I feel I stuck up for myself a lot more before age 24.  Then it happened; the emotional abuse started.  I would concede on things I didn't want or believe in because agreeing was better than the repercussions of what may have happened.

Apparently, this has been my coping mechanism for the last ten years.  When I am in situations where I say no more than 5 times, I go into protective mode and just give in and agree.

Clearly this is not good, but at least I realized this pattern and now I can be more cognizant and stand up for myself and be more firm.

People, no means no.  Not just in sex, but in anything.  Stop pushing people, you don't know their backgrounds and the reasons they say no. Sometimes going out of your comfort zone is a good thing, but it should be on my terms, not yours.  All that pushing is being disrespectful, and you end up on the shit list.

Masturdating

photo from Twitter

My roommate just showed me this photo that appeared in her twitter feed.  I frowned; this is something I do all the time.

Just like masterbating, this has such a negative cogitation to go along with it.  Maybe it is because I was raised catholic,but masterbating was a sin through lust. And is selfish because you are fulfilling your own desires...when I guess you are supposed to have someone else do it for you?   So, does that translate to masturdating?  Should I feel ashamed that I don't have someone to eat or go to a movie with?  No.  Absolutely not.

Sure, I occasionally go out to eat alone and I frequent the movies by myself. Sometime I take classes alone, or see a show solo.  It's called life.  I wasn't lucky enough (yet) to find a partner or good friends and I am not going to hold back on doing what I want just because I don't have someone to share it with.  Why do we need to make these 'fancy trendy' words?

A good number of our population is made up of singles, just because we don't have someone to share our free time with doesn't mean we need to sit at home and twiddle our thumbs.  Make the most out of it.

a visit home

Visiting home was just as hard as I thought it was going to be.  There was so much to cram into a 3 day trip, that I didn't really tell anyone I was going to be in town because I wanted to spend it all with my family.

So, I left work a little early, flew in.  and waited at the airport for 90 minutes because a truck got stuck under one of those low clearance bridges bringing traffic to a halt.  While I waited outside from 11:00 to 12:30 am, I watched the chaos of NYC airports.   I've always felt the traffic patterns dropping off and picking up is horrible...other big airports can do it so much more efficiently, that it is dreadful being picked up from anything other than a taxi or shuttle.  But I got a kick out of ladies who are prancing around in 5+ inch heels walking across the pickup area when cars are coming - knowing they will be holding up traffic but not that they will get hit.  The noise, the lights...I can't say I missed it.

I spent the first day having breakfast with a friend, her mother and my mother.  Then I spent time with one sister and her family, saw my grandmother who teared up because she misses me and having ethnic food, then seeing another sister and her family.  We even got in some Apples to Apples and Pictionary.  It was such an amazing day.  I was whipped out.

The following day my mother got us ticket to see "It Should Have Been You" a hysterical musical about a wedding...common stereotypes of Catholics, Jewish, homosexual all mixed together.   But before we did that, we took my mother to Ellen's Stardust Diner where the waitstaff sing songs.  It was fun.  Supposedly last year they lost 16 of their serves to Broadway.  Quite impressive.  And after listening to all them....I am not surprised, they had fantastic voices.  After we got back to the area, I had dinner with the family....pizza.  Even though the pizza out in Colorado kinda sucks, I can't say I missed the NY pizza anymore.  

 My last day was breakfast with a friend and then a picnic at the 'beach' with some sister's and parts of their families.  We played monkey in the middle, tried to skip shells, had lunch, and caught up.  The sand, the water....that is definitely something I miss.  Dinner was a big to do with most of the family.  We ordered Chinese from two different places because everyone is picky.  We had great conversation and when it came to opening our fortune cookies, we went around to guess, or rather, say what we thought our fortunes should be.  Shockingly my 9 year old nephew turns out to be a philosopher, he was dishing out proverbs and his own says left and right.  And for his turn, I was extremely close about his fortune, which turned out to be about courage.  When my turned rolled around, I got lots of great fortunes from my family, that made me tear up.  And then I open my cookie...and it was empty.  No fortune.  In the past I would have thought it was because I didn't have a future, but this time, it was because no fortunes could beat all the wonderful things that was predicted for me - what they said was perfect.  Everyone left and as I was packing, there was a knock on the door and it was my oldest nephew who couldn't make dinner and wanted to stop by and hang for a bit.  I can't believe how sweet he still is.

And then next thing I knew, it was time to leave and say good bye.

I kept thinking on the plane how I felt about New York and Colorado.  Where I think I belong.  The sacrifice of leaving my family for the potential for more happiness.  While I hated the airport, 'home' was fantastic and pretty.  I can see myself in both places.