Volunteering

Ah, not only is today Friday, but it is the end of April. I can't believe a third of the year is over already. Time seems to be flying by these days - some weeks I am super busy, other weeks I try to think of new hobbies because I get so antsy...when I should be looking for a new job or at least a part time job. But I was hoping to have 'free time' for if/when I meet a guy, I'd have room to accommodate him into my schedule. So silly of me.

Yesterday afternoon, while suffering through a horrible headache, I decided to look around and find ways to better use my time (instead of working) and I found this great volunteer site so I signed up for one on-going cause and hope to volunteer for others soon as well. I might not have the typical hobby like - sports, cars, animals or exercising - but at least I will be doing something that is important to me and that will make me feel better about giving back to those who need help.

http://www.1-800-volunteer.org

Adoption

Sandra Bullock made the headlines again today for her adoption of a little boy from New Orleans. Add to that all the kids Angelina & Brad have, Kathrine Heigl's recent adoption of a Korean girl, Madonna's addition, and the article on Russia orphanages and it makes you think about adoption.

http://www.cnn.com/2010/WORLD/europe/04/29/russia.orphanage/index.html?hpt=C1

I have, for as long as I could remember, wanted to adopt a child. There are so many unfortunate children out there and it breaks my heart every time I hear about child abuse or stranded kids. I would love to be a foster parent as well - helping the kids adjust to a life without their biological parents. And it is something I hope to do - even if I remain single. But, I am 30 and broke. At this time, there is no way I can pursue this dream - but it is something I am constantly thinking about and hope I can somehow find this 'extra' money to put towards a bigger apartment so a kid has room and food and allow me to offer them everything they deserve.

I am very happy that celebrities, having more disposable income, chose to adopt. And I wish, that as a society we would do more to prevent women from having children they don't want (more specifically I have a problem with the ladies on welfare having 8 kids by different fathers - lets spend the money and get their tubes tied instead!)

http://celebrities.adoption.com/

The rejection hotline?

I have been single long enough that I should have known about this sooner. We have all had them, guys that talk to us in a bar that won't leave you alone even after insulting him or ignoring him, he just doesn't get the hint. He won't leave you alone until he gets your number...which of course he will never call anyway. So you give it to him...maybe you change a number, but feel bad that he MIGHT end up harassing someone else because you didn't want to deal with that psycho again.

The rejection hotline I believe was first instituted in New York City, but so many numbers have popped up all around the country. I'll tell you, the first thing I did when I discovered this today, was to pick three numbers out and add to my phone!

http://www.rejectionline.com/

http://www.humorhotlines.com/hh-numbers.asp

I just now listed to the message, thinking, I need to be sure this is in fact a phone number I can give away freely knowing exactly what would happen on the other end. HYSTERICAL. I can't wait to use this (I'll have to memorize the number so it sounds authentic)...although I'd prefer to meet someone I'd actually give my number to :)

I'm a push over, so what?

A pushover:

push·o·ver  –noun (http://dictionary.reference.com/browse/pushover)
1. Informal . anything done easily.
2. Informal . an easily defeated person or team.
3. Informal . a person who is easily persuaded, influenced, or seduced.

I was told by some guy I am very informally talking to that it bothers him that I am a pushover. I'll admit in parts of my life I am, I am not hiding that. But, does it have to be a bad thing? I think there are parts of our personalities that fall into different categories.

For example, I am definitely a push over when it comes to where to eat. I honestly DON'T CARE. I eat enough food that I should be able to find something I like, anywhere. And if I am really against someplace, I WILL let you know. But for the most part, I am flexible, I'd rather make you happy. It truly does not matter to me one bit where I go, just that I enjoy the company - and if you are paying...even more reason to let you pick. If I am cooking for you, more than not I am the one deciding what to make. If I really am craving something I will tell you. AND if you know me, you'll know where I like to go and you'd pick that since you know its my favorite. If that makes me a pushover, so be it. I don't care.

example #2 - My job requires me to talk to a lot of people. People talk to me on the phone like I am their servant. But, since my job requires me to actually do work, I take it all with a grain of salt. However, when some doctor thought he was above me and spent 10 minutes yelling crazy stuff to me, I had no problem raising my voice and sticking up for myself. Sure, I could have gotten fired because we don't do that...but I was NOT going to allow him to say those things, get away with it and make ME feel crappy about something that wasn't even my fault. And you know what, that horrible man called me later to apologize. I did not easily accept his apology, but he realized he was wrong, and hopefully learned his lesson that the person on the other end is a person too. verdict: NOT A PUSHOVER.

example #3 - I am seriously dating someone, they suggest I cut my my super long hair or buy this skirt or these jeans. I do it. Why? A few reasons. 1) They have to look at me everyday, I want them to like what they see. If they like short hair, they can have it. I don't care, it will grow back. If I don't look retarded, why not? A new brand of jeans - that he paid for, sure I'll be happy to wear those. And you know what, I eventually like them anyway. What's not to like, its just clothes. They guy wants you to look nice for him, and you should. A women should be amenable to changes to please someone, they are simple and make him happy to be with you, its win-win. And you know what - it is no different then agreeing to play out some sexual fantasy the guy likes...and of course that isn't construed as being a push over - it is expected. There is no difference. 2) Sometimes you loose tract of time, or in my case, I wear contacts all the time, and my glasses were really old. I don't know how to pick out glasses, so why not let someone else do it? It makes you feel like you are sharing a life.

me: Hey. so i was just wondering. Did you stop liking me 5 years ago because I am a pushover? It was just brought to my attention that that seems to be a big problem for me. You dont need to answer, but i was curious. Sent at 3:05 PM on Monday
SI: No. I actually found that to be a fun, easy going quality.That was one of the things I liked most about youthe ease with which we got along Sent at 3:28 PM on Monday
me: Thank you for your honesty
SI: you're welcome

Verdict: MAYBE a pushover - maybe it just depends on how two specific people get along?

example #4 - someone easily controlled. Unfortunately, I can tell you my verdict right away: YES, pushover. Unfortunately I did spend time in a controlling relationship. It was not as bad as you see in lifetime movies, but all those slightly controlling times do add up. It is hard to explain, but the constant cycle of being told to do this, doing it and seeking approval eventually does change you. You are constantly left with feeling you need to prove your love by doing something this way or doing that because that is what they want. You are struggling to make him happy so he doesn't follow through with what he has threatened. It is emotionally draining and you do not realize it until way later. Even after my breakup, this cycle continued with him for another 2 1/2 years - regardless of how much he hurt me, I was 'fighting' with the need to please him. It wasn't until recently, that I was able to break away enough to look from an outside perspective and see the damage. People that have not been in these situations and talk about how stupid women are to stay with men in abusive relationships - should not judge them, you have NO CLUE. My relationship was not physical abuse, thank goodness. But the mind games eats away at you.

example #5 - Hooking up with guys. I am definitely NOT a slut. I have had relations with very few men. After my breakup, I knew I needed to move on, and to do that, it is helpful to hook up with someone, so you aren't constantly thinking about your ex & how awesome the sex was. Against my better judgement, I did, willingly, let myself be persuaded to hook up with someone I was not interested in. I needed to get out of my comfort zone and experiment, but when it came down to it, I did stop myself. I did not continue hooking up even when I had nothing else going on. I did put my foot down and continued to say no.

me: do you have an example of me NOT being a pushover?
Sent at 11:24 AM on Monday
BOY: You have a backbone
me: I am trying to figure that out.
BOY: you've turned me down before
Sent at 11:31 AM on Monday
me: I guess, but I also said sure, you can feel my boob, but my bra is staying on. Then it was off in like a minute. And then I said that about my pants too.

example 5b - I am the obsession of a man's desires. I keep turning that boy down too. I was rude to him when he drunken called me at 2am for a bootycall. I was not easily persuaded to do it again with him. I'd rather go through a long dry spell then do something I am not comfortable with.

verdict: NOT A PUSHOVER. If I was, I would be a slut.

example #6 - I'm on the train and pregnant lady asks to sit. Men don't move - pretend not to hear, I get up and offer my seat. Verdict: NOT A PUSHOVER. I did it out of kindness, and all those men should be ashamed of themselves for not being kind.

So, I like making people happy. It makes me happy. I like helping people, I like seeing people smile. And it if it because I say "YES" or apologize too often, so be it. When something bothers me enough, I WILL stand up for myself. When I do not agree with something you say, I might point it out. All I ask if for those kind things to be reciprocated once in a while. I am a little envious of others who do not care about what other people think, but I am not like that. I could try for a day, but I would not be happy. If me being a pushover is a quality you don't like about me, I really don't care, we don't need to be friends and I will spread my kindness to others.

Mom for a day

Yesterday was my little sister's 6 year anniversary. I told her to go out and spend the day with her husband, I'd take the kid. My Internet was all messed up so I couldn't look anything up on what to do or how to get someplace, ahh, what did we do before the Internet? I guess the same thing my parents did with us - go to the same place over and over again.

First I took the 4 year old boy to the library, I had to return a book and pick some up. We spent a half hour in the kids section which he really enjoyed. We picked out three books and a movie. I don't think he has been to a library a lot, he was so cute trying to carry all his stuff to the front desk. In the car I say, 'so what special things do you want to do today?' he replies he wants to play Lego batman game, but its too nice, so I take him to a park. I gave my park selection some thought. OK, it is Saturday, hopefully single dad's will be at the park, so which park to go to? A big one should have a decent selection of single dad's, hopefully - as I think they get custody on the weekends. The weather was perfect park weather, but yet, the park seemed relatively quiet, bummer. So we play tag for an hour and then he needs a break. I take out some raisins and the kid says "Oh, those are chocolate raisins, my favorite" and I say "They are just regular raisins sweetie" Boy says, "but they are brown, the brown ones are made with chocolate, see, I love chocolate so I can eat all of them!"...I reply, "Oh, right, ok". and that little bugger ate a lot of raisins because his mom told him there was chocolate in them. Sneaky. After his energy boost we play miniature golf. He gets a hole in one on the second hole - I didn't get any. We let a lady & her son pass us - she tells me my son looks just like me but with blond hair. I thank her. Why bother correcting her? He looks nothing like me, but I guess people just say things they think you want to hear. I should be happy she didn't call the police and tell them I was abducting the kid who looks NOTHING like me at all. Boy starts to loose his patience half way through. We quit the game on #15. I suggest to him we try another park (because of the lack of Dads), he was almost willing to go, until he met this adorable little 3 year old boy. They played together for another 2 hours. The kid's Mom was ok, we talked a little, but since I don't really know how to talk to strangers, it was really hard for me and I ended up going to watch my kid on the other side so I didn't have to talk to her.

Oh good, a father approaching. Oh, he is old and ugly. His kid joins my kids group. We chat a little, he tells me my son is adorable and that he will sleep well tonight. Again, I smile and say thank you. Time to leave the park, I pull Boy aside and say, what next? He says "how should I know, you are the adult you are supposed to pick' hmm, is that how his mom does it? I think he should tell me what he wants to do today. So I ask questions so I can figure out what else he likes to do. But boy is getting cranky...three hours of running in the sun will do that. So I suggest ice cream. That was a debate. We get in the car and I say that the 3 yo boy we was playing with was adorable, and Boy replies, 'so adorable I can eat him up!!" HAHA, he Boy isn't a cannibal, we say that to him all the time.

We stop for ice cream and then we head home because he wants some juice. We get home and he wants to play his video game. Sure its only 5 but he did run around a lot, why not? ohhh no, tragedy: there is only one controller, I can't play with him. MELTDOWN time. So, we head over to Radio Shack to get another controller. Then we stop and get a superman balloon in the balloon store, where the clerk tells Boy "Your mommy is so good to you, getting you a big balloon" Boy replies "She isn't my mommy" Clerk looks at me. So I say "No, I am your aunt". We head over to stop & shop to pick up groceries for dinner. No single Dad's there either.

Get back to the house, his parents are home, and I cook dinner for everyone. Mom for a day and I absolutely loved it. Sure, I was a little tired but I had a great time. And where do single dad's take their kids locally? I'll need to figure this out for next time.

Why do men design women's bathrooms?

Last year the floor of my office building began renovations. Many people had mixed feelings about this, but I didn't mind - a little updating is always a good thing: new bathroom, new floors, new doors, new elevator marble, etc. For two months we had to use the restrooms on other floors and when ours finally reopened it was great. However, all the other ladies on the floor and I thought - why do men design women's restrooms? They have no understanding about the space we need - and I like to consider myself restroom low maintenance. They removed our full length mirror, they installed automatic flushing toilets, automatic soup dispensers and automatic sinks. It's great they are helping with sanitation. BUT the toilets flush too quick, the soap comes out when you don't want it, and your hands need to be in the exact right spot for the water to come out. There is no doubt that my building is paying more in water now (or is city water still free?) or at least wasting a lot more of it.

I do not sit on the toilet to pee - I squat over it. However, whatever I do, the toilet flushes about 2 to 3 times before I am even out of the stall. Now, I won't lie, I guess I have some squatting issues. I realized this when I was in the Redwood National Park with McGriddle Pants. We had to pee - and the trees were huge. I peed on my pants. I couldn't figure out how to squat enough to get the pee go straight and land only on the ground - without removing all my clothes. McGriddle thought it was hysterical. I guess that is what amuses you when you are an expert at using the woods...

http://anne-a-bell.blogspot.com/2010/04/does-bear-shit-in-woods.html

Where was I? Oh right, so not only that, we have a narrow hallway that opens to a decent size 'lobby' of the bathroom - yet the stall doors are almost right up against the toilet & the new paper dispenser sticks out, so when you enter the stall, you have to shift sideways around the toilet to close the door - and risk getting other people's pee all over you (YES, I wipe any pee drips before I exit, but shockingly 90% don't - it is gross). There is so much room they could have easily come out a little to make it roomier in there.

Today someone was bitching about the full length mirror being gone - so I told her "I'm not sure why they did that either, but why don't you just stand on the toilet, you'll get the same result". She laughed like I was the funniest person she ever met, yet secretly, I hoped she'd fall in.

Body Marks

A Friday last spring, I picked up some lunch and stopped at Bryant Park to eat before taking the early train home. I leisurely ate my lunch and sat and watched people and eventually headed towards Grand Central. Right before the glass doors, I notice something - I look down and see this green furry caterpillar on my shirt near my breast. YUCK! I fling it away and wonder how many people saw this bright yellow-green furry big bug on my black shirt -- hard to miss if you ask me...but you know New Yorkers...nothing is our business...for all they know I could have been toting around my pet bug. The bug must have fallen from a tree I was sitting under. I sit on the train and we head home, but I start itching. Bad itching. I have caterpillar hair on my skin. Someone next to me wondering why I am constantly itching my boob, then my hands, and my neck. It didn't stop. It just got worse & worse. Hives. Bad. I was picked up from train and went to buy benadryl which knocked me out. They stayed for about a week, but after the first day at least it was tolerable and slowly were going away. Who can honestly use the "I am allergic to bugs" as a defense? Well, now I can :) Crazy right? source


February 3rd I wake up with this crazy marking on my arm. I kept trying to think what I was in contact with the few days before that would mark me like that. I couldn't think of anything different. I posted this picture on my facebook page where friends commented it looked like a bite mark or a stamp from a club. It wasn't a human bite, and not a stamp from a club - since I am not one to partake in that kind of activity, maybe alien marking? lol. So of course I start thinking about creepy crawlers and look up bug bites - which totally grossed me out. I refused to look through my bed sheets to find out what kind of gross bug could do this to me. So, I slept on my covers waiting for a brave soul to come and help me find the perpetrator. Nothing was ever found. Today is April 22nd and I still have very light markings of this - it is very faded...but it is still there. I still don't know what caused this type of mark.


Last week I ate a few strawberries with out washing them -and a few moments later, I had two bumps on my hand. I blew it off like it was a little hive, no big deal. Sometimes I get one or two hives that will pop up in the same place now & then. I wasn't worried. And those strawberries were good, I didn't stop. I was at a baseball game over the weekend and used that old fashioned trick to get a pen to start its ink flow - lick it. My brother in law tells me I am going to come down with some sort of weird disease, I laugh - never! Well, yesterday those two little bumps turned into about 7, only of which a few itched a little. I doubt they were from the strawberries, and there is no way it was from the ink, since I had two before that even happened...what could this be from? I spent time diagnosing myself online, which turned out to be a huge mistake, since I always pick the worst thing. But yet, I refuse to go to the doctor while it still seems 'manageable'.


All these weird things in the last year, I start to wonder if I am the victim of some weird bug voodoo doll, since everyone knows I hate bugs.

Silver Dreads

I'm officially an 'old' person. I have two short white hairs that I refuse to pull out. Well, I might have more, but I only see two. These are not the first. My first white hair was back in 2003. I was working at a bank, and I was early so I stayed in the car (it was in the winter months) and admiring myself in the rear view mirror. Low and behold I found the first one. I freaked out. It was WAY too early to go gray, I mean I was somewhere between 22-23. I pulled it out and saved it for a while, and was lucky that I didn't find another until very recently.

Anyway, last month, they were sprouting like crazy. Sure work was a bitch, I was very stressed and not getting sleep, so I pulled out the whites that came thinking it was just temporary ones. I am still too young to go gray - I mean I am ONLY 30 (and yes, I know some people can go gray at like 20 and I should be lucky) Things calmed down at work but now I have two more. These are different, the others were full length, right now its like these two are brand short new hair. I thought if I stopped pulling, maybe I'd go back to the super dark brown hair I am supposed to have. But it looks like I am aging before my two older sisters (9 and 7 years older than me - and they both claim to not have gotten any white hair yet). My parents also went gray 'late' I really thought I would too.

Maybe it is just because I am an old soul. I am too mature and serious for my own good. I wonder if I start having more fun that the grays will stop. If not, I worry that by the end of this year, I'll have to change my hair color on my license to salt & pepper or white.

Memoir Monday - Video Store Clerk

Today I will share the story of my first "real" job, a clerk at Video Source when I was in high school. What a fabulous job to have when you are a teenager. The hours are decent, great co-workers, lots of people rented movies in 1995-1998 AND you got to borrow all the movies for FREE including trailers. I was paid about $8 an hour and loved every minute of it. Video Source had one main location and two other locations. The smallest store just so happened to be in my super small town, so I offered to work there most of the time. This location barely had traffic, and it was a wonder it lasted as long as it did.

So, I'd get to the empty store and pop in whatever movie I wanted to watch - we were supposed to just watch G, PG or PG13 movies. Many times I'd also do my homework. I had friends come in and hang out with me and I'd even make out with guys. A lot of things went on there that should not have. I tripped the alert button a few times, well, once was me by accident while cleaning, once a guy thought it would be funny - I didn't think so.

The busier main store was usually fun to work at too after the boss left and on weekends. Teenagers had the run of the store (similar to Empire Records but with Videos and nothing illegal). At the end of the night as we'd be restocking the shelves, we had too much fun in the adult room. We had many contests who can return the adult tickets the fastest (not because the room spooked us -- but because we were so familiar with where the boxes were, who was in them, and which customers preferred what movies).

Once I had seniority, I was able to train the newbies. I took great pride that they would have the same type of worth ethic and personality as me. I would be in charge at closing and made sure their draw was accurate and let them leave early if it was a slow night. One night that will stay with me forever was the blizzard of 1997, I was there with two very new employees. It was snowing so hard and eventually no one came into the store after 7:30 and we stayed open until 10. The electricity went out a little after 8, and therefore the phone died as well. I took a few quarters from the drawer went outside and called the owner on the pay phone to tell her the situation with the heavy snow and no electricity and to ask permission to close early. NO WAY, that would be unacceptable. So I go back inside. We close out the two other drawers and just hang out watching the snow fall so hard. This is crazy - I told them we would leave anyway, it looked dangerous out. So I put up a sign saying we apologized that we closed early and locked up the store. We all left. Normally I lived about 10 minute drive, it took me almost an hour and a half to get home, and I was even pulled over by the police station...my first time ever. The cop was asking why I was on the road since it was a natural emergency...HMM, that was news to me. I explain I was leaving work on my way home and it was taking a while since I had to keep pulling over to clear the snow off my headlights and window. He was so nice and told me he would follow me just in case. So we trudge through and then as I get close, the last 2 miles, he tells me can't go further, that it would be too unsafe for him, I was on my own. I finally get home and call my newbies, neither were home. I wait up until they called me back. One made it home soon after I did, the other apparently had down trees and road closures everywhere that it took him 3 hours to get home. I felt really bad and gave the owner an earful when she called the next afternoon telling me she wasn't going in because the weather was too bad. I do not drive in the snow anymore.

When I started college I was able to come back and work a day here or there. It was perfect I loved that job.

Let's bring back arranged marriages

I was talking with a friend today about how hard it is to date after you have been burned so bad in a previous relationship. It look a long time for me to get where I am now, which is still not close to where I need to be. However, part of me just wants to be there - already in the next relationship. I want to have that person to spend a weekend day hiking in the woods or running errands or even just spending a rainy day inside snuggling watching a movie or playing a game. Couply things.

Dating is horrible. Sure the ex wasn't God, but we seem to compare everyone else to them, even when we know we don't want a clone of that person. So that leaves us with trying new things. The whole idea is scary, eventually opening up enough to actually trust someone with your heart. I keep wondering if it is worth it or not, but since I don't make for a good 'single', I fear I have no choice but to get past my fears of the next breakup.

Now, arrange marriages, that is something I think could work. Over time anyone can grow on you. At first it might be hard & horrible, but I think eventually that will turn to love. So, who is going to find me my arranged husband? Parents of course know their child best but all my mom's fix ups never even resulted in a date. Additionally, they have a very social life (more than me) but I do not think they know a lot of people with eligible sons. One sister tried, but after seeing a picture of that lad - nothing happened. A brother in law tried too, and my blind date was a red head. So, do they really know what I am looking for?

Only time will tell I guess, but I would really just like to fast forward a few months/year and be there already. Yes, I say a year, because contrary to popular belief I am being optimistic that I will meet someone by then. I smile more & am happier and I am trying to eat a little better (well my upcoming trip has something to do with that), so once I get a slightly better body...hopefully it won't be so hard. I just need to get outside more and find places where guys will smile/talk/approach me. Anyway, if I fast forward the next months, then I will miss out on all the 'fun' parts that lead to that life I eventually want to be a part of. I don't think I can fully move on until someone new is in the picture.

I HATE last minute cancellations

You know what I hate the most? Someone cancelling on the last minute for anything from a friend for lunch or a date. I dealt with that shit for too long in my last relationship to find out that all those cancellations meant something not good was going on...it is unacceptable. If you are going to cancel, cancel a few hours in advance, not AFTER I got dressed, put on make up, decided on an outfit, and made a special treat. This means you value my time less than your own. If that is the case, why would I want to hang out with you or be your friend?

One female friend was doing this to me all the time (including telling me she got her period - hello you were 27), that I had to end that friendship, that constant cancelling over the stupidest things really wore me out and upset me too much and of course left me with free time that I could have made other plans with - but then screwed because last minute people can't always get together for an impromptu evening.

So it appears I am too nice, and people just expect me to be completely understanding that they can't get their act together and actually go through with the original plans. I don't know if I want to be the nice girl anymore that gets stepped all over and taken advantage of. I need to start sticking up for myself and getting rid of all that negative energy.

"nice guys" and "nice girls" finish eventually

CNN posted an article yesterday (which of course I can not find today to link to) about how 'nice guys finish last' and proceeds to explain there are specialists to teach these 'nice guys' how to toughen up so more girls would like them.

While reading the article I was disagreeing on every point made, maybe it is because I am a 'nice girl'. I know I would prefer a nice guy, however he needs to have attributes like strong enough to protect me, or maybe be persuaded to 'spice things up' on occasion, etc.

'Nice guys' does not equal nerdy/dorky, ugly, boring...nice just means sweet, polite, not mean spirited, not angry, has values and sticks to them and you are not embarrassed to show him off to family/friends.

But since the article was published - let's talk about how 'nice girls' also finish last. We get walked over, we get pushed to the side when something better comes along. We are seen as the 'marrying' type but yet, when time comes, the girl of the moment (slutty dumb girl) is the one that is chosen more often.

But in the end everything will work out for those 'nice guys' or the 'nice girls' we just have a delayed start.

Oprah had similar blog post "why women date bad boys"
http://www.oprah.com/relationships/Why-Women-Date-Bad-Boys

My blood is your blood

Today I donated blood for the second time. The first time was a horrible experience a little over two years ago. I came this close to passing out...or I did, next thing I knew I had 4 people surrounding me while still attached to the bag. After I was done draining, I almost pass out again while getting up, so I had to lay there for an additional 30 minutes. I was walked back to my office (because I was smart enough to do this during my lunch break) to have to rest on my office floor for much of the rest of the afternoon. While I told myself what I did was great I said I wouldn't do it again.

But a lot of time went by and I figured I learned from the past. Eat more and drink more before you get there. I did not :( I get there, and it was not efficiently run. I read the documents, have my interview, initial 'physical' and answer all the questions. I tell them I am nervous because my last experience was horrible. They advised me not to donate today from my lack of food/water and because I was nervous. But I said NO, I must continue otherwise I may not attempt to donate again. They had me drink a small juice before I lay down. Guy 1 couldn't find a vein and called Guy 2 over, who found it quickly and tied me up - and I think assumed Guy 1 would come back to pop the needle in my arm. But he didn't and my arm starts to turn blue. Guy 2 finally sticks me with the needle and my blood starts flowing. He said it should take a little over 7 minutes. I lay there, eventually pull my legs up and squeeze the ball lightly. I concentrate really hard on breathing and counting the spots on the ceiling. I was doing OK, the room did not go all white. Finally Girl 2 came over and unplugged me, but this took a while, and I started feeling a little dizzy. But I am strong and said I thought I was OK. Once I was unplugged I sat up...wow, still conscious. I walk over to the table and I am starting to feel weak. OH NO Guy 3 yells out..."Watch her, she is too pale. make her drink" and then proceeded to sit next to me and stare at my face and opened my water and told me I had to drink the whole thing quickly. He kept asking me questions so I stayed conscious. I was shaking like crazy, but the floor stayed straight. I guess the color started coming back to me because in 15 minutes they allowed me to leave. It was nice the 3 people I 'worked' with all told me I did a good job.

I was so proud of myself, I survived and managed to eventually save up to three people (as the blood is broken down into their components: red blood cells, platelets and plasma). This time, while still really uncomfortable, was a lot better than the first time. I hope that now that I had a decent experience I will be able to donate more often. And...since I will be sore/bruised for a few days, I will remember how good I feel about helping those in need.

Did you know that only 4% of eligible blood donors actually donate blood? That isn't enough, I encourage you to do it. If I can do it - so can you.

More information about blood donation: http://www.givelife2.org/donor/faq.asp

It's getting hot out there, so take off all your coats

It reached 90 degrees one day last week in New York City. Unfortunately it was a work day and the morning seemed breezy so I grabbed a light coat and headed for the train. Sitting at work, staring out my window I found excuses why I needed to be outside: I had to run to staples to buy special envelopes to later discover they weren't the right ones, so I left again so I can be outside for 15 minutes. So was it natural instinct when I grabbed my coat and headed out the door? A co-worker tells me "its about 90 degrees you don't need a coat" but I kept it on and went outside for my brief walk. It was hot and yet the coat remained on while sweat started dripping down my back. Why couldn't I leave the jacket in the office?

Then it is time to leave for the day, I put on my coat, but do not zip it up since it is still so warm. On my 15 minute walk to the train, I had 4 guys 'cat call' to me saying I was "hot" or "Wow, look at those" etc. Since I am already so insecure, I generally ignore the men but sometimes I say thank you when they are polite (You are beautiful) even if I don't believe them. It is just a lot easier to keep covering up then have to deal with that kind of attention.

I love that in the winter I am bundled up so people don't talk to me on my walk - which is the only good thing about winter, in my opinion. But the Spring through the Fall could be difficult. In the middle of the summer, instead of having a coat, maybe I'll have a little sweater because why should I suffer in the heat just because I can't handle the harassment? And if I made some poor soul's day just by walking by him, then even better.

I'm your obsession

Let's take a short trip down memory lane to 1984, Animotion sang the song Obsession. This song has been stuck in my head the last few days because it seems I am the object of some one's obsession. Having read the lyrics (below) I can honestly say, this song is exactly what is going on in the poor soul's head.

Animotion - Obsession Lyrics
You are an obsession, I cannot sleep. I am a possession unopened at your feet. There is no balance, no equality. Be still I will not accept defeat.

I will have you, yes I will have you. I will find a way and I will have you. Like a butterfly, a wild butterfly. I will collect you and capture you.

You are an obsession, you're my obsession. Who do you want me to be to make you sleep with me (x2)

I feed you, I drink you by day and by night. I need you, I need you by sun or candlelight. You protest, you want to leave. You say there's no alternative.

Your face appears again, I see the beauty there. But I see danger, stranger beware. A circumstance in your naked dreams. Your affection is not what it seems.

You are an obsession, you're my obsession. Who do you want me to be to make you sleep with me (x2)

My fantasy has turned to madness. All my goodness has turned to badness. My need to possess you has consumed my soul. My life is trembling, I have no control.

I will have you, yes I will have you. I will find a way and I will have you. Like a butterfly, a wild butterfly. I will collect you and capture you.

You are an obsession, you're my obsession. Who do you want me to be to make you sleep with me (x2 an fade)

I suppose I need to share a few more details about this. I will call him Bank Boy. I met Bank Boy in 2001 for a little less than 2 years we worked together - which of course requires flirting when you are in your low 20s. Long story short, after we did "IT" one night after sharing 3 bottles of wine he wanted to do it again. Sure, many relationships are built on that, but I was not ready or prepared for that. A year later the persistent interest and obsession in doing "IT" coupled with me saying NO over and over again - has made me singing the song every time I get a text from him.

Lesson learned - there is no way to attempt a one night stand/casual sex with someone you knew in your past AND don't drink 1 1/2 bottles of wine for you will suffer the consequences.

What the beep?

I was in a sound sleep last night, which is very surprising for me lately as I have trouble sleeping. Anyway, I am in the middle of my REM cycle and I hear beeping. Of course the first thing I do is incorporate it into my dream but then it happened again. I sit up and its gone. I am going crazy, surely. Two minutes later the beeps continue. I get out of bed and walk over to the kitchen in the complete darkness. It's my microwave. It says F3. What does F3 mean? The timer wasn't on, I wasn't cooking, it can't be a low battery, I am baffled. I try hitting some buttons in the dark, but it is still beeping, and I am starting to feel bad, I don't want to wake my neighbors. I get the stool empty the cabinet and unplug the microwave. AHHH silence. I make my sleepy way back to my bed in the complete darkness.

Now I am back in bed but can't fall back to sleep. I lay there and start thinking I went about following the noise in such a poor manner. Instead of just walking to the kitchen without a care in the world - shouldn't I have grabbed a flash light or turned on every light in my small apartment to see if someone broke in (I sleep with the windows open all the time) and that was just a decoy to steal all my super valuable possessions (I don't think I have any) or to kill me while awake (you know, because my murderer can't be a wuss and do it while I was sleeping).

So what does that say about me? Am I too secure about my environment and myself? Am I too naive that something bad would actually happen to me? Do I not need a man to protect me from such things because clearly I didn't even hesitate.

Online dating horrors

I barely did any work today, maybe two hours worth. I started to fix up my resume, ran work errands, and then eventually checked my online dating site, which I haven't been to in probably three weeks.

The account should have been renewed for free when my 6 months were over, but long story short, they charged me for another six months so I am not wasting that money by never logging in. So, I log in today, and I am truly disgusted by the men out there. I guess there is a reason people elect to find someone online. I believe myself to be 'average' in terms of looks, and a bit 'curvy' in terms of figure, so why am I getting the nastiest guys ever winking/emailing or looking at me? I know the super hot guys (which are not my type) don't look because I am not slender or athletic. No big deal, I don't like super cute guys anyway, too conceited, too much to worry about, and if he takes longer to get ready then me, that is a warning signal. So then there are the average guys. I LOVE average guys...but even they don't seem interested. Then there are the gross guys - the only ones that appear to have some nerve to speak to a lady knowing she will reject him. But good for them for trying!

I looked at profile pictures and read only a handful of profiles since I had so much time to kill while sitting at work, getting paid, refusing to do real work. It flabbergasts me that men would think that taking pictures of themselves topless in a bathroom mirror is a turn on for women. I don't want to see your chiseled or slightly flabby body. NEXT. OK, you love dogs - but please don't post more pictures of your dog(s) then there are of you. NEXT. I love to travel too - but my travel pictures I post have pictures of - guess what? ME in them....yours should too! I don't want to see the great landscapes of the world but still have no clue what you look like. NEXT. Everyone should have more than one picture...different angles tell a lot. You could look super hot in one picture that gets my attention, but those other 6 - oh goodness, where they really the best you had? NEXT.

Needless to say, I know I will not meet my next future boyfriend through an online site. But when there is nothing better to do at work, I will look, just in case. I am not a believer it can't happen, I met my last boyfriend on line back when it wasn't so popular - and that lasted 5 years...so it could happen, and it could be that he was on there because he turned out to be not the one. So, the day is about done, and I am tempted to stroll slowly home looking at the men I pass - wondering how they met their wives, what their wives look like, and wonder where I can find a 'normal, average' guy.

Reverting back to High School

Back in those dreaded years of high school, I had a lot of temporary boyfriends. Temporary essentially means I first had a crush and then I spent so much time and energy to get that boy to like me. When they finally ‘asked me out’ we dated for maybe 2 weeks and then it wasn’t fun for me anymore. I know that sounds so horrible, but I guess I knew I wouldn’t end up with any of those guys forever. I started to grow out of that my senior year when I was able to hold onto a guy a little longer than that.

I’ve only had two ‘real’ relationships, both which ended badly and also maybe made me a little scared to like a guy for a longer period of time – for fear it wouldn’t work out and/or end up broken hearted again.

Now as an adult dating is still complicated. I’ve had a few instances over the last three years that appear that I am reverting back to my old ways in high school. First there was this guy who I didn’t like at all, but he was so persistent and I am a go with the flow kind of girl that we’d end up seeing a bit of each other but when it came to anything physical I couldn’t do it. Then there was this guy that was OK but there were things that bothered me about him, it wasn’t until he decided we weren’t a good match that I decided it couldn’t end on his terms, so I did what I had to do, and low and behold, he could have been wrapped around my finger until I decided a week later, that I didn’t want to see him again. Moving along there was this other guy that I had a crush on and I felt that once I started to come to accept those feelings, he started acting funny, like the chase was over or that the real objective was to see if he could catch me and once he did, bam – that was it – maybe I am wrong on that one. There was also a guy that was fun but the thought of getting close with someone scared me and I backed off and acted like I probably shouldn’t have.

I do think I am open to dating now, it was a rough few years, and it shouldn’t be this complicated. I tell myself I hate games, I played in them enough over the last 15 years, but for some reason that seems to be what I end up in. However, it is kind of exciting to have those kinds of feelings back.

My black thumb - is it turning a tad bit green?

I am so proud of myself today. I returned to work after a long weekend to find that my new plant is doing well. Sure start laughing now - I am happy because something grew - I GREW SOMETHING. But it really is shocking to me. I have a black thumb.

My new little plant was a freebee that I received at a convention from January. I planted the seeds in the cup and watered (there were no directions about how much water) it whenever I remember.

When I lived in a house, I attempted to grow flowers and spices...and nothing took off. When I started my new job (May 2006), my mom gave me a bamboo plant because they are supposed to be good luck. Believe it or not, I DO still have this plant and it has grown, but everyone in my office asks what I do to it because its always yellow & dying looking. I just add water. That is what the directions say, keep it in water. I have put in in the sun, then in the shade, I don't know what it prefers. It isn't that hard, but yet, I still struggle.

I picked up seeds from the dessert a while back. I went out and purchased special soil, new pots, and I planted my cactus and Joshua trees. I covered them with saran wrap, as instructed until they sprouted (some did) and then after that it all went back down hill. I still have the three pots full of desert soil with the seeds in them, but nothing else happened...I guess it is time I threw that away.

Hopefully this new realization that I actually grew a plant from scratch will give me hope that I can do it again.

Do opposites attract?

Lately, a lot of things are surprising me and slowly I am learning more and more about myself. For a long time I had a 'type'. I liked the same 'type' of guys. Lately, a friend was nice enough to point out to me that my 'type' clearly isn't a good kind for me, otherwise I wouldn't still be single and have had the bad experiences I have. I never thought of it that way, until very recently.

Of course there were a slew of 'bad boys' that I was attracted to and flirted with back in the day but I would not allow it to go further because they did not fit this 'type' I was looking for. I don't think I missed out on the "what if". I like to think I am a good judge of character (that may be debatable) otherwise, maybe I would have pursued it a little more, but I like to think that some instinct told me *danger* and stay away, as some people are just too opposite to ever work out.

However, lately, I am starting to think that some people can really surprise you and I find myself making decisions that flat out shock me but also that make me smile.

Paint Ball

I was very surprised that so many people did not think I would be able to paintball. Was it because they think I am a wuss? And if so, why is that - I don't think I complain about pain. Even my kidney stone last month, while very uncomfortable - I think I handled it very well.


I think they said the paint balls fly at 180 miles per hour. Absolutely that would cause a little pain. So even if I said it hurt...at least I tried it.

So, I did it. I did it both for me - to try at least once AND to prove those others wrong.

How did I do? I played 3 of the 6 games. Game # 1, I was among the last off the field - after the game was called. I was NOT hit and I managed to "kill" at least one. Game #2 I got hit in the head - I didn't feel it. Game #3 I lasted the whole game with out getting hit & used up about 100 paint balls - I was getting more into it, laying down on my belly to protect myself.

It was a great experience, and I was very glad I didn't let those negative thoughts prevent me from trying this. Would I do it again? Yeah, I might.

Hopefully it won't happen to me

I am re-watching We Are Marshall. What a great but sad story. Maybe it's my mood today - but during the plane crash, I started thinking about the ways I don't want to die. Sure, I've had these thoughts many times before, but now as I am getting a little older these are things I think about more often. It probably does not help that I am an avid reader where some books have very unusual deaths.

So, how don't I want to die? Drowning, suffocating, being stabbed/shot, slowly eaten by an animal, beaten, car accident (unless it is quick). I also don't want to be too old - I fear getting older, I don't want Alzheimer's or have to deal with all those health problems because let's face it, I am not a health nut now, if I make it to 80, I'll be miserable. Sure dying young isn't good so I'd prefer a quick death right about the age where I become a burden to others.

According to the CDC, the average life expectancy is 77.7 years leading causes of death in the US are:

• Heart Disease (631,636)
• Cancer
• Stroke
• Chronic Lower Respiratory Diseases
• Accidents
• Diabetes
• Alzheimer's
• Influenza/Pneumonia
• Nephritis
• Septicemia (34,234)

And according to the Bureau of Justice Statistics, as you get older, the less likely you will be a victim of a violent crime, so at least I have that going for me.

Back to the CDC, looking at the cause of death for white women from 2002-2006 in my current age bracket, the "unintentional injury" is interesting, MV traffic ranks #1, followed by poison, fire, drowning, suffocation, fall, etc. http://webappa.cdc.gov/sasweb/ncipc/leadcaus10.html

So, logically, the next question would be would I want to know when I am going to die? No, I don't think I would. Sure, if you knew you would make it appoint to do what you want to do before it happens. But, knowing me, I would just think about that day all the time perhaps be too depressed to do anything, especially if it was sooner than I would have liked. As much as it would be great to live each day like the last day...that is too hard to do when you still have work and obligations. Just a reminder to make more time for the things you really enjoy.

For fun, check out http://www.waystodie.350.com/ for 350 bizarre ways to die

http://bjs.ojp.usdoj.gov/index.cfm

http://www.cdc.gov/nchs/fastats/deaths.htm

Me a sore loser? Yeah, sometimes.

Man was I upset last night. And for no real reason that affects my life. I entered into the March Madness bracket with only two friends with only dinner at steak. I was doing OK...until last night. I went from first place....to last place after today's game. All my final fours are out. How do I have the right to be mad? I didn't play the game. Everyone likes to win. And sure, I can be competitive. I don't let the nieces & nephews win all the time anymore because they are getting older. They need to learn these lessons early so it doesn't torment them when they get older.

But the good news is, when I woke up this morning, my slight disappointment was gone. And I might, just might, finish watching the games to root against my friends. If they are going to beat me, it better be just by a tad then by a landslide.

beneficiary smishiary

I was filling out some papers to transfer my Roth IRA from one agent to another (long story), so 99% of the paperwork is complete...but that 1% is troubling me...who is my beneficiary? Well, I have none. The joys of being single. I don't have a significant other, no child, I can't put my parents because hopefully by the time comes for that to cash out...my parents won't be around [not that I as wishing for their demise, but parents should not outlive their children - in an ideal world]. So, who does that leave? I have three sisters - how to pick which one gets that responsibility?

March MADness

I am definitely not a sports type in fact I am athletically challenged. My only 'real' attempt at sports was CYO basketball in middle school. I actually would like to think I was even OK at it...but I was too nervous to try out for JV in the 9th grade (although I probably would have made it). While asserting blame on someone else is the easy way out, I have to wonder if my gym teachers are partially to blame. We played ping pong my WHOLE junior & senior year of high school and just volley ball in the 10th grade. Certainly we could have done more.

Anyway, that being said, I LOVE March Madness. And it is not because I know all the college basketball teams and players. Oh No. I love the competition and rooting against who my friends want to win. Sure the games are a lot of fun to watch - especially really close ones. This year was the first year I filled out a bracket- which made me root not just for anytime, but my predetermined teams (and ZERO research went into picking...which made my bracket, as others would say 'interesting').

I am going MAD. First it started off getting hot & sweaty while my team & my friends teams are in a dead heat...I think I am going to hyperventillate...But it gets worse - I can't stop thinking about it. I am having nightmares (and waking up in the middle of the night) about the teams I selected & loosing & needing to know the scores & my place in the running at all times. Now, your thinking...I must be in a huge bracket with lots at steak. OH NO! there are 3 of us with a dinner up for grabs, but gosh darnet - I WANT TO WIN. I am currently tied for second :(

Vanity Sizing

A lady and man meet. They have an instant connection. Maybe the fall in love at first site, maybe they are friends for months before they realize they want more. Either way, my question is….you like someone but then on that fateful night when you start to remove your clothes, you do not like what you see underneath – what do you do? All those fairytales don’t say what happens when the princess finds out prince charming is not well equipped, or that he is horrible in bed. Do they stay together or do they call it quits?

I keep finding I am shallower than I thought I was. And you know what…YES penis size does matter for me. If I can’t tell if a guy is hard or not because his pecker is so small, I am not turned on, I am repulsed. And it is even worse, when you see that tiny thing for the first time and he is like “not bad huh?” and you look at it and think….that is the smallest thing I’ve ever seen, but you nod your head and say ‘yup’. Another thought is the issue of, having a small penis and knowing how to use it versus a larger one that doesn’t quite satisfy you. I guess the answer is obvious, but would you even feel it? I don’t see how either of those would work.

So this brings me to my dilemma. I had been trying to not get naked with a guy right away, but to wait a month or so, to make sure we have enough in common or whatever it is…basically to reassure myself I am not a whore. But then over this time period, you develop feelings for someone…as small as they might be, now what do I do? Do I just suck it up and try to figure it out? Do I cringe every time I see it? Or do I move on to the next prospect?

Lesson Learned Yet???

Staying with my word about trying to blog more often...here it goes, as I wait to get together with a few friends for March Madness.

How many times does it take to learn a lesson?
Me, clearly not enough. So, I had a business trip to Chicago, I asked around, none of my friends wanted to go - so eventually the Ex said he would go. He claimed a trip like this is what we needed to move past our issues (mind you we've been broken up for 3 1/2 years. LOL) and get reacquainted with one another. I was excited, but skeptical. He purchased his flight - and sent me an email confirmation and then proceeded to not speak to me for 3 weeks. As my trip neared, I had a feeling I'd be going solo and quickly asked if anyone else wanted to get away last minute. The day before I was to leave he messages me saying it isn't a good idea. No other explanations, although he did deny being married, getting married or having a baby that weekend.

So for the twelfth time, I told him I was done, that was his last chance. Of course he didn't believe that because I've been "hooked" (from HIMYM - being strung along by one person who wants something more - Season 5 Epsiode 16).

Have I learned my lesson? I don't think so. BUT because we haven't been speaking it doesn't bother me as much. Well, not that day, I cried like our breakup was brand new. AND as if I couldn't be anymore childish or irrational, I told a guy I'm friends with (7 dates in 13 months) that I'd go to Mexico with him. AGHHH - I've never been away like that with a guy - the trip is booked, I can't get out of that one anymore. So NO my lesson was NOT learned...again.

Me - a Kreativ Blogger??? Thanks!

Wow, what an honor to receive this award from McGriddle Pants! I decided to start a blog after reading her blog because I too had so much to say. But then, life got busy and not in a great kind of way. I will use this to remind myself that I have some great things to share with everyone...I need to make more time out to do so.

Coupons Coupons

As you know, I enjoy grocery shopping and I am broke...but I haven't clipped coupons in years. It wasn't the time factor of doing it, it was more the most of the coupons were for processed foods or for supplies I never used. I figured by not clipping coupons I might eat better, not quite sure since I weigh more now than I did 8 years ago. But that aside, today I was reading the CNN headlines and it brought me to an article about The Krazy Coupon Lady which I ended up spending about an hour on the site and downloading the coupon bar and printing about 30 coupons. Sure some of them are for processed foods (I'll give those to my sisters with kids) but some were for games (monopoly, connect four) and some even for yogurt. I figured I'd give it a shot. The coupons after all are free. The Krazy Coupon Lady also provides examples for the week using local circulars and the coupons available to save money...too bad those supermarkets aren't near me...so I have to figure out when the best time to use coupons against the circular to save the most money.

I love reading but I can't support my habit by buying all the books, since I can go through over 40 a year. I don't understand why more people don't use their local libraries, my library card is the most used card on my key chain. Not only can you go into the library and browse the shelves, but you can order the books online. For those of you that are computer savvy or don't understand the dewy decimal system, holding books online is a no brainer. I am lucky that I live in a populated area that gets along well with our fellow towns in the county - that our libraries are all part of one...so there may be times the books are sent from our neighbors town and I pick up from my 'home' location. Not only can you do this with books, but with DVDs...I even cancelled my netflix subscription when I realized that I can get it from the library for free. So while I don't understand why more people don't utilize this town service, I am happy that I our wait lists aren't too long.