A quick visit to Colorado National Monument

I stopped at Colorado National Monument on my way to Utah.  I honestly wasn't sure what Colorado National Monument was going to be like but I love national parks and monuments that, why not see it if I was going right by it?

Colorado National Monument rises more than 2,000 feet above the Grand Valley of the Colorado River and is part of the Colorado Plateau.  The colorful walled canyons, rock sculptures and mesa top mountain were well worth the drive through the park.

We entered from the East side and drove North through the park. We stopped at all the overlooks and took in the scenery.  We drove through sun, rain, and when we were at on overlook, it started to hail quite hard.

I was a little disappointed that the visitor center closed at 4:30 PM, I got there minutes before 5 PM to get my stamp and bypassed the last few stops....ultimately for no reason.  

the Royal Arch

The Royal Arch is located in the Flatirons.  I drove to Chatauqua Park and met a meetup group by the ranger station.  I was a little nervous going into this hike, being rated moderate to strenuous and I knew there were lots of stairs.  Before I moved to Colorado, I never had any breathing problems, but now, I think I have asthma so the hikes and snowshoeing turn out to be less fun as I struggle to catch my breath.  But, with an upcoming trip, I figured I needed the warm up.

I went from being in the front of the pack at the beginning to the last one within 20 minutes of our hike, and last I stayed all the way. I was essentially hiking alone, which is fine when you can't maintain conversations anyway.  I stopped for a lot of breaks and sips of water.  The elevation gain was 1,205 feet with a lot of 'stairs'.

It took me 80 minutes to get to the arch.  It was pretty, but crowded, not just with the meetup group (who apparently had a long lunch up there) but also with lots of other hikers who passed me along the way.  I ate a bar, took a few photos, rested about 10 minutes and then the group headed back down.   I was able to talk to a handful of people on the way down, and down only took about 20-25 minutes.  I am glad I went, and for the first hike of the season, it will only get better.

The trail is 3.2 miles round trip, very popular, and a good hike.  I suggest you give it a try!

Info

the clouds of Colorado

The sky in Colorado is amazing and looks different so often.  At times the weather changes fast, clear blue skys in the morning and then thunderstorms for a while in the afternoon.  Sometimes you can't even seen the foothills and mountains.

first day in Colorado

conceding

I had an epiphany.

I realize I get into certain situations where I say "no" a few times because it is something I don't want to do, but after being asked a few times, I concede.  Then I feel worse about myself because I am doing what I don't want to do.  Not only may the action be bad/uncomfortable, but it is the internal feeling that I feel during and after - it is hard to describe but it is similar to a roller coaster of emotions.

I feel I stuck up for myself a lot more before age 24.  Then it happened; the emotional abuse started.  I would concede on things I didn't want or believe in because agreeing was better than the repercussions of what may have happened.

Apparently, this has been my coping mechanism for the last ten years.  When I am in situations where I say no more than 5 times, I go into protective mode and just give in and agree.

Clearly this is not good, but at least I realized this pattern and now I can be more cognizant and stand up for myself and be more firm.

People, no means no.  Not just in sex, but in anything.  Stop pushing people, you don't know their backgrounds and the reasons they say no. Sometimes going out of your comfort zone is a good thing, but it should be on my terms, not yours.  All that pushing is being disrespectful, and you end up on the shit list.

Masturdating

photo from Twitter

My roommate just showed me this photo that appeared in her twitter feed.  I frowned; this is something I do all the time.

Just like masterbating, this has such a negative cogitation to go along with it.  Maybe it is because I was raised catholic,but masterbating was a sin through lust. And is selfish because you are fulfilling your own desires...when I guess you are supposed to have someone else do it for you?   So, does that translate to masturdating?  Should I feel ashamed that I don't have someone to eat or go to a movie with?  No.  Absolutely not.

Sure, I occasionally go out to eat alone and I frequent the movies by myself. Sometime I take classes alone, or see a show solo.  It's called life.  I wasn't lucky enough (yet) to find a partner or good friends and I am not going to hold back on doing what I want just because I don't have someone to share it with.  Why do we need to make these 'fancy trendy' words?

A good number of our population is made up of singles, just because we don't have someone to share our free time with doesn't mean we need to sit at home and twiddle our thumbs.  Make the most out of it.

a visit home

Visiting home was just as hard as I thought it was going to be.  There was so much to cram into a 3 day trip, that I didn't really tell anyone I was going to be in town because I wanted to spend it all with my family.

So, I left work a little early, flew in.  and waited at the airport for 90 minutes because a truck got stuck under one of those low clearance bridges bringing traffic to a halt.  While I waited outside from 11:00 to 12:30 am, I watched the chaos of NYC airports.   I've always felt the traffic patterns dropping off and picking up is horrible...other big airports can do it so much more efficiently, that it is dreadful being picked up from anything other than a taxi or shuttle.  But I got a kick out of ladies who are prancing around in 5+ inch heels walking across the pickup area when cars are coming - knowing they will be holding up traffic but not that they will get hit.  The noise, the lights...I can't say I missed it.

I spent the first day having breakfast with a friend, her mother and my mother.  Then I spent time with one sister and her family, saw my grandmother who teared up because she misses me and having ethnic food, then seeing another sister and her family.  We even got in some Apples to Apples and Pictionary.  It was such an amazing day.  I was whipped out.

The following day my mother got us ticket to see "It Should Have Been You" a hysterical musical about a wedding...common stereotypes of Catholics, Jewish, homosexual all mixed together.   But before we did that, we took my mother to Ellen's Stardust Diner where the waitstaff sing songs.  It was fun.  Supposedly last year they lost 16 of their serves to Broadway.  Quite impressive.  And after listening to all them....I am not surprised, they had fantastic voices.  After we got back to the area, I had dinner with the family....pizza.  Even though the pizza out in Colorado kinda sucks, I can't say I missed the NY pizza anymore.  

 My last day was breakfast with a friend and then a picnic at the 'beach' with some sister's and parts of their families.  We played monkey in the middle, tried to skip shells, had lunch, and caught up.  The sand, the water....that is definitely something I miss.  Dinner was a big to do with most of the family.  We ordered Chinese from two different places because everyone is picky.  We had great conversation and when it came to opening our fortune cookies, we went around to guess, or rather, say what we thought our fortunes should be.  Shockingly my 9 year old nephew turns out to be a philosopher, he was dishing out proverbs and his own says left and right.  And for his turn, I was extremely close about his fortune, which turned out to be about courage.  When my turned rolled around, I got lots of great fortunes from my family, that made me tear up.  And then I open my cookie...and it was empty.  No fortune.  In the past I would have thought it was because I didn't have a future, but this time, it was because no fortunes could beat all the wonderful things that was predicted for me - what they said was perfect.  Everyone left and as I was packing, there was a knock on the door and it was my oldest nephew who couldn't make dinner and wanted to stop by and hang for a bit.  I can't believe how sweet he still is.

And then next thing I knew, it was time to leave and say good bye.

I kept thinking on the plane how I felt about New York and Colorado.  Where I think I belong.  The sacrifice of leaving my family for the potential for more happiness.  While I hated the airport, 'home' was fantastic and pretty.  I can see myself in both places.

homesick

A few weeks ago I started to feel homesick.  I happened to look on Kayak for flights home and shockingly I found really fantastic priced airfare.  I couldn't pass that up.  I last saw my parents in January, one sister & her family in March, and everyone else in November around Thanksgiving.  It's been so long and way overdue.  The three days won't be enough but hey, it is something.

Maybe I'll get a feel of NY again....and realize that yeah, I don't belong there, in that environment.  It would be so much easier if my family moved to me, but that is wishful thinking.

I need a sign

It's been a little over nine months since I moved.  In a way, the time went so slow but yet so fast.  I guess, I've been trying to think if it was worth it.  Six months without a job and draining my savings account, a job that seems kinda perfect for me but yet, I am underpaid and makes it a bit difficult to have the life I want. I miss my family.  I haven't made connections with guys or girls.  I have a few friends...but they aren't good friends I could count on, well, except for my roommate - she's been a blessing.

So I've been trying to look for signs.  Did I do the right thing for me by moving here?  Or was it not worth it?  Am I supposed to see the signs along the way, or after the fact? And if it is after the fact, am I not just connecting the signs with the way it turned out?

Looking back, I am wondering where the signs were.

Of course it worked out perfectly that my roommate needed a place to stay at the same time I did....and it's worked out really well.   The job I accepted I had that feeling during writing my resume and cover letter and the interview - like I did at my last job, that it was mine before they even offered it to me.  Is that it for the good things/timings?

Some of the struggles, which of course I am not opposed to because when you eventually get there....you appreciate it even more, is the low salary, the commute, not having friends I could count on, not having friends that want to travel with me, super high health insurance deductible, not having family around, and just not feeling like I assimilated as I should have.

I am tired a lot.  I've been more emotional in the last month than I have been in the last three.  I am starting to doubt myself.  Wondering if I will ever meet my goals of this better life and maybe raising a kid. I still feel like I could be happy here...but there are a lot of 'ifs' that ago with the rest of that statement.  And those 'ifs' are more important than location, as long as they are there....I can be anywhere.

So, universe, please, throw me an obvious sign.  I am not picking up on your subtle hints and signs.

getting my geek on

One of the meet up groups I recently joined was a euro board game group.  I loved playing board or card games growing up, but I did not know this genre of games even existed.  I was so excited to not only find these types of games where I get to think, but also that other adults like to play these games too.

But, it is like the Big Bang Theory.  The group is predominantly men.  Smart men with very little social skills.

I really enjoyed it.  I am looking forward to going back.