With all my free time, I decided to pull out my scrapbook, finishing up November 2013. The last year has been overwhelming with everything I've done and the places I've been, and I was way behind in uploading and ordering photos, which I completed last week. Now I just need to wait for a great sale on prints.
Having only a few pages left, I decide to have my last page be a ManFriend memory. Unfortunately he was very camera shy and didn't take photos. I only had one of him that I took of his photo hanging on his wall from his sister's wedding so I can show my friend what he looked like, even if the picture was 10 years old. And I went to linkedin at the beginning of the year and copied his photo from his profile. Two really bad resolution photographs. But I uploaded them for printing anyway, it is all I have of him. Seeing his pictures again made me smile. I miss that face.
As his one year death anniversary is approaching, I can't help but miss him. I've cried 80% of this year and was just starting to get through my days without thinking about him so much or shedding a tear and the month of January is going to be hard for me.
I have started to accept that I can't continue to blame myself for not knowing he was terminal; that was his decision. I was a really amazing friend to him when we were friends. After we broke up, it is normal to hold a little anger and frustration; I know I can't continue to be mad about my behavior when he reached out to me out of the blue and told me {part} of his news; especially because he told me about the woman he was seeing...hard to listen to when you loved someone. I still feel guilty about not doing enough for him; but that just loops back to one and two above - he decided that and I have to accept it.
A few weeks ago I blogged about writing a forgiveness email to ManFriend. I did do that days after the post. And I think that is when I started to stop tearing up regularly. It really helped me. I enjoyed thinking about the things I loved and hated. I am fortunate to have met him and I know that we affected each other's lives because we were both in a bad place when we met and that turned around. I never felt more connected to someone; I can't explain it - but it wasn't a connection like knowing so much or being on the same page...it was more of a strong gravitational pull. He said I was his angel and he is now my guardian angel {I hope, I asked for him...but I don't really know}, although he is probably very upset with me for being so teary-eyed and sad over him.
The sadness will fade with time but he will always remain in my heart.
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