not dying

I met up with ManFriend last Thursday.  He is not dying.  I sat there listening about his cancer and his very optomist treatment plan.  I asked him "I still don't understand why you asked to see me" to which he replied, because we are friends.   I laughed a fake laugh and since I knew he wasn't dying (yet) I let it all out.  About his selfishness, his ungratefulness, I asked if he really gifted my earrings to some woman (he said that she took them) and I told him all that made me spend a few hundred dollars in STD testing when it could have all been avoided if he acted like an adult and did that whole thing he kept talking about, being honest.  I told him that our 'love' was a sham, that it wasn't love because people don't do those things.  And when I was done, he wanted to know if he should leave, he didn't expect any of that and was truly shocked that I wasn't happy.  I didn't plan on saying anything to him, I was there just to listen...but the way he was acting and the things he was saying, it didn't make sense.

He didn't leave.  He told me about some of the woman he was invovled with in hte last four months.  The most recent was an ex-druggie, ex-convict, smoker with a child...and I was thinking, really? You gave me up for that?  Why does that keep happening to me?  SI preferred an ex-stripper, bartender, high school graduate.  It really makes me wonder about me and about the men I chose.

Then we talked about football and started laughing and enjoying the company a bit more.  When we left, he said he had a nice time and he hopes we can hang out again since he is up this way a lot.  I looked at him and didn't say anything....really?  No, I told him he could update me in a few weeks about his diagnosis/treatment but I didn't want to see him again.

So there was no kissing, there was no inviting him back to my place.  And I didn't need the closure...actually seeing him made me think about all that stuff again, and I didn't need that.  I have been so happy the last 2-3 months, which is why I knew I wouldn't fall back into a routine with him that made me a little miserable.