not that kind of love

After the whole ManFriend thing, I have to say that I feel good, sort of relieved and less stressed.  ManFriend caused me so much stress, I didn't realize it - but I read most of the blog posts I wrote about him this past year and realized, even more, how toxic it was...and that regardless of what he told me, I do believe he used me for his own benefits, and I didn't just allow it, but sort of encouraged it because I put my faith in him thinking in the long run things would get better - I've always been hopeful.

The hardest part is that regardless of how heartless he was, he was still my friend during a time that I have so few.  Even if he was a completely selfish friend.  How do you go from knowing everything going on with someone one day and then never knowing what happens after?  And the routines of the daily chats and messages all just gone with nothing to replace it, yet.  And even though we had sex, I feel he was more of a friend than a lover.  It seems almost silly that the friendship has to end too - and normally I would never say that, I am a big advocate of once a love is over you shouldn't dwell on it (I've learned my lessons the hard way).

With SI and even Cop #1, after those relationships ended, I couldn't bear to be around them. I was so sad and depressed and my heart was completely broken. I couldn't hear about their lives and how wonderful they would have been because i was devastated it was going to be without me. With ManFriend, I am more sad to loose a friend than anything...as I mentioned the sex was mediocre and although I claimed to love him - I think it was more of a love like a brother or someone I'd known for so long that I grew fond of, but it was never a love like I had previously...which is why it took me so long to tell him.... because I knew it wasn't that kind of love.  Loves are different.  

So, that is that...I feel good emotionally.  I am sort of busy and I am planning trips and activities (although I need more suggestions) and I am determined to have a fantastic summer...I missed out last year because I didn't have any PTO days, but this year I am going to take advantage of the nice weather and outdoors.

Thank you all for your support this past year and for still reading even though you were nodding your heads in disappointment and yelling at me through the computer.  

Since You've Been Gone - Kelly Clarkson
taken from AZ lyrics

Here's the thing we started out friends
It was cool but it was all pretend
Yeah yeah
Since U Been Gone

You dedicated you took the time
Wasn't long till I called you mine
Yeah Yeah
Since U Been Gone

And all you'd ever hear me say
Is how I pictured me with you
That's all you'd ever hear me say

But Since U Been Gone
I can breathe for the first time
I'm so moving on
Yeah, yeah
Thanks to you
Now I get
What I want
Since U Been Gone

How can I put it? You put me on
I even fell for that stupid love song
Yeah, yeah
Since U Been Gone

How come I'd never hear you say
I just wanna be with you
I guess you never felt that way

But Since U Been Gone
I can breathe for the first time
I'm so moving on
Yeah, yeah
Thanks to you
Now I get (I get) what I want
Since U Been Gone

You had your chance you blew it
Out of sight, out of mind
Shut your mouth I just can't take it
Again and again and again and again

Since U Been Gone
I can breathe for the first time
I'm so moving on
Yeah, yeah
Thanks to you (thanks to you)
Now I get, I get what I want
I can breathe for the first time
I'm so moving on
Yeah, yeah
Thanks to you (thanks to you)
Now I get (I get)
You should know (you should know)
That I get, I get what I want
Since U Been Gone
Since U Been Gone
Since U Been Gone