Waiting

As I sit in Bryant Park, listening to a non stop drill, I am reminded of my lack of friends.  This evening I have dinner plans with my mom, her best friend, and her daughter.  I have to wait in the city for two and a half hours before I pick them up in grand central.

Two and a half hours is too long to stay at work but not enough time to do something great,  especially since it is late afternoon.   Sure I could have hiked up to MOMA but I would have 45 minutes there before they closed, not worth it.  So I texted the very few people I know that work in the city and none were available or wanted to hang out.

I won't lie, this set off a little depression...I look around the park and everyone seems to have friends.  Sure a few people are at the moment alone but others soon join or maybe they at least have family to go home to.

I absolutely hate waiting in the city to do something at 7 or later.  Not only does it mean I won't get home until late, but it also means finding something to do alone.  If I knew before today that put plans were this late, I probably would not have agreed to meet them.  I doubt any of them thought "what will denise do for two and a half hours" I mean, I can't even eat since we are having dinner.  I don't want to drink alone and waste my calories/points, and my bag is to heavy to take a 10 mile walk.

Ah, another joy of being single and friendless.

belly sank

I logged onto LinkedIn to accept a link request, and I see ManFriend very recently connected to an attractive curly dirty blond who works in Hartford CT.  Most of his connections I haven't had a problem with because they were recruiters, but this one...I don't see how they would know each other.  So of course, I think he is sleeping with her.  And while that shouldn't bother me, my belly sank a little.  And then I think, OK so he lives in NJ now, that is quite a hike - 2.5 hours.  And he was lazy with me - barely seeing me when I lived 5 minutes away, although a previous girlfriend he said lived an hour away and he saw here a lot.

I don't know why my belly sank and I felt the need to write a post and get it off my chest.  I know he wasn't even close to being 'the one' and that I wasn't happy.  I guess it is the thought of him having sex and 'moving' on before me.  But that shouldn't be a surprise...all men seem to move on before I do, and I even told ManFriend last week that I had zero desire to sleep with anyone for a while (and I've had two people ask about my willingness to do so with them).



Update:  I wasn't 100% wrong, ManFriend did sleep with her...but like 3+ years ago.

A trip to New Mexico

I didn't do very much this weekend, but I looked through my scrapbooks from 2007-present and realized I've been to some great places these past six years.  I've blogged about most of the trips during my blogging history, but there were quite a few before - so I am going to pick one and tell you about it.

In October 2007 I went to Albuquerque, New Mexico for a work trip.

After I landed, I went to the Petroglyph National Monument and walked around for a while.  It astonished me that these images created by the Native Americans and Spanish settlers are so old but have survived the outside elements for so long (400-700 years ago) for us all to enjoy.







After that, I went to the Sandia Peak and took the tram to the top - 10,378 feet.  The construction took 2 years, and underwent 6 months of extensive testing before the first passengers rode up in 1966.   This was the first time I was on a tram that was so long - 2.7 miles! (only other tram's I've been on until here was the ones a a zoo).  The ride up took about 15 minutes...and after we reached a certain point, I was nervous looking out the window...going down was easier for me.

The view from the top was pretty.  I think we looked around for like 15 - 20 minutes and headed back down...there was nothing to do at the top (at the time I went at least).

After this I went for the best Mexican food I've had so far. I don't remember the name of it, but it was in a shopping center.  Then I headed to the hotel to check in.

After a few meetings, we decided to attend the Albuquerque Hot Air Balloon Fiesta, it was only $6 at the time.  This required me to wake super early so we can get there at least an hour before the sun rose.  It was amazing...seeing so many balloons getting ready for their assent and all the different balloons. We stayed here probably until noon. This was truly such a spectacular experience.

Unfortunately I learned that my camera sucked with 'nighttime' images.

After the Fiesta a few of us went into old town Albuquerque for lunch and to walk around.







My meetings ended and I wanted to best utilize the extra days off I took.  This required a bit of driving - and cancelling doing one thing because it was so far away from everything else and I was just exhausted by the end...traveling alone is nice at times, but also difficult because you have do do all the work.



Aztec Ruins National Monument was the first time I saw ruins.  The Aztec Ruins are 900+ years old and contain over 400 masonry rooms.  I was very impressed with the ruins and the reconstructed kiva. I walked the path and followed the brochure to read about everything.  It was a fairly quick stop.







That same day, I headed over to Bisti Badlands.  There was very little information about this place, I only knew about it because someone mentioned it, I think my ENT.  It was surreal...especially if you are from the East Coast, we don't see things like this.  I think I passed one small groupe while I was there, and I spent a few hours exploring all the shape formations and the fossils.  

Then I headed over to Chaco Culture National Park, an ancestral Pueblo site from 850-1250 A.D.  I followed the path and read the brochure learning about the site.









The next day I headed up to Four Corners.  I got there early, the gate was open but all the vendors weren't there yet...which meant I had the place to myself for a while so I could take my time attempting to set my timer to get a picture of me.  There is a platform where a brass and granite marker marks the intersection of Arizona, New Mexico, Utah and Colorado.





From Four Corners I headed up to Mesa Verde.  I took the tour and was still not prepared even though the cashier mentioned the ladders.  Mesa Verde's highest point is 8,572 and the view from the top was as vast as you can imagine.  Mesa Verde is a cliff dwelling where Puebloans lived for 700 years. There were two tours the Balcony House and Cliff House; I think it was the Cliff House that not only had quite a high ladder to climb to get into the dwelling, but once the tour was over, we had to climb another ladder and then weave our way through the rope that attached to the rock...I wish I got a picture of this...but by the time i realized that we had to do this, I was so scared and didn't want to use my hand to get out the camera.  But I did it and after I was proud of myself.

On my last super filled day, I headed to Bandeiler National Monument and walked the trail.  These ruins were not in as good shape as others I saw in the previous few days.  What was nice was that the trails also went through an area with a small waterfall, so it was a little more scenic than some of the other places, but I was only here maybe 90 - 120 minutes since I knew there were other things I still wanted to do this day.

I stopped in Santa Fe for lunch.  The center of town was like a circle/square and was quaint with restaurants and shops.

Then I headed to Kasha-Katuwe Tent Rocks National Monument, another area my ENT told me about...which was amazing.  This was one of my favorite stops on my trip.  The cone shaped tent rock formations are the product of volcanic eruptions that occurred 6-7 million years ago.  I took the 1.5 one-way hike to the top of the mesa...and then 1.5 miles back down.  I realized that hiking alone isn't always the best idea...there were some tight areas where if I fell....no one would have had any idea.  It was the most strenuous hike I took that week, but I enjoyed it quite a bit and since try to hike when I am away.

Before heading back to the airport, I stopped at Tinkertown Museum, which started as a hobby and then opened to the public.

shredding the baggage

The town shredding day is quickly approaching.  I decided to take some time this morning to go through my papers and rid myself of papers that I no longer need.  I'm a bit of a pack-rat; I have papers going back 8+ years...but at one point, I thought we had to keep papers for 7 years for tax reasons - I'll have to look into that to see if that is true.

Anyway, I quickly filled a file box before I found a 2-3 inch file folder from 2006 with all the SI drama.  I had printed emails between the two of them about her moving into her house since where she was living was being sold, talks of trips, about moving my stuff out, about their engagement and of course copies all the credit card bills of all her spending. Add in pictures of him (I thought I destroyed all the printed copies, but yet, there was one lurking) and other pictures and a story I once wrote about how much I loved him and then 30+ pages about the disaster that came afterwards.  I took the time and I read through 80% of the 2-3 inch file.  At first it didn't bother me, it was so long ago, but when I was done and looking to see what else to do with my day, I became sad.  I am such a sweet girl, I didn't deserve any of that to happen to me.  I debated keeping the file, but then I threw it in the box with everything else that will be shredded in 3 weeks.

Now, if only I was brave enough to delete the 300+ emails I had with SI and that I had with the mistress.  I  don't know why I still have them.  At this point, I don't need the proof for anything - he will never be in my life again and I am not out to tell her or his family that he was still lying to her back in 2006.  Yes, perhaps I should do that too.  Oh and I have other paper, pictures and passport copies in my safe, that needs to go too and what about all those electronic pictures.  While I might have kept all that stuff for the purpose of bringing about justice, I would not have jeopardized creating so much drama to hurt someone else - even if they destroyed me...I am not really into revenge.  I just didn't want to be the 'crazy' ex-girlfriend...having that information just proved it wasn't my fault/me being crazy.  When someone lies to protect themselves, the lies they tell other people about, in this case me, are hurtful....all these innocent people then perceive me to have been crazy/psychotic/disinterested/mean/unemotional/etc when the truth was the opposite.

Between ridding my life of the SI disaster and the disappearance of ManFriend, the universe should be happy that I am cleansing all that negativity out of my life.  It's like they never existed in my life, it will all just be my memories.

but god forbid I get Alzheimer's (it runs in my family), and those are the years I relive and talk about to my family and visitors.  How unfair.

Validation and appreciation

Not only do I seek reassurance that I was a good partner in a relationship, but I strive for that same validation in the workplace.

The thing with breakups is that you never really know what the other person thinks of you.  They might be nice and are holding their tongue because they don't want to start a fight or stoop to a low level; they might be lying when they say the loved you and will miss you.  Sometimes not saying anything is worse than not knowing.  I can't be the only person who wonders if any of my past men ever think about me.  We can go back as far as high school...but let's just stick to my 9 men for now.  There are 2 I never think about, unless I am counting my number.  There are two, well, three now that I will think about often enough - the same three that I tend to compare new people to.  and that leaves 4 that I hear from on occasion/somewhat regularly and are polite and nice to, but that is about it.  But regardless of the depth of those relationships...I still wonder what these people thought of me.  Do they think of me? Do they miss me?  its not because I think it would make any difference but because I strive to reach my own level of satisfaction.  And I want to continue to do well or better in future relationships.

Those same thoughts that I have about the past men, I have about work.  When I was at the interview with my current job, the HR lady said "...who ever fills this position has huge shoes to fill."  I was a little annoyed with this statement.  Don't you think the person replacing me at my job as huge shoes to fill?  I do. At least I thought so, but my opinion doesn't matter.  I was not trying to be conceited  but I did my job very well, I was never perfect, I made mistakes, but I gave it 150%.  But was I good? Would I be missed?  How does one know this?  After I was offered the job and gave my notice, I had teary goodbyes with some of my clients always promising to keep in touch.  And for a while I would send an email here or there checking in - and I saw a few when they were in town, but was that because we had decent professional relationships or because they valued me?   As it turns out, my sister works for the same company I worked for...so in this particular situation, I do have feedback.  While it's been over  a year, she did tell me that people still talk about me or refer to the way I did things as a a baseline for acceptance  the way I juggled so much work, the level of service I gave to my clients and the fact that I continued to work after the SI breakup (I only took one day off) and there were times I had teary eyes at work - I was still there and dedicated and still worked my butt off...and this came up because some fairly new girl wasn't showing up for work and speculation was that maybe she was depressed from a relationship.  I was touched. I mean, I knew I was good at my job but I was thrilled to hear other people appreciated me and missed me.  I was happy to hear that my department isn't doing well and they have issues...they might not have appreciated me when I was there, so maybe it took me leaving for them to value the work I did.

Validation and appreciation is so important.  I think it helps us grow, because when we receive this positive feedback, we continue to strive to maintain that or exceed it to keep the people happy.  I don't know about you, but I want to be the best I can be, and I am willing to put the effort in for the self improvement.

idea block

Things aren't really coming along fast enough.

I feel like I should be more motivated to do more.  And I try, I sat at my desk with my calendar out and a blank sheet of paper to write down all the things I wanted to do this summer.  And I just stared at it.  How can I not think about what I want to do to make this summer great?  I even turned to my bucket list for ideas and was like 'oh, I'll go to Graceland'. I looked up flights and they were cheaper than my other trips.  I was close to picking a day and booking my flight - but then I remembered I've spend about $3,500 in the last month!  Yikes.

OK, so some of that money is being reimbursed back to me, about $2,000 and some of that money is for things I still have to cancel or return and $400 is for an exam I have to take that I will be reimbursed for when I pass.

So, I really can't go to Graceland next month. But, I am still thinking about it, maybe in July.  The more important question is how was I this close to booking the Graceland trip, but I haven't finished booking my trip to Wyoming?  My problem with that trip is that everyday for the last week and a half I've stalked the airfares, but they are barely moving, and increasing everyday.  It is a trip I am definitely taking, but I don't even know the full dates!  It is good I can be so flexible, but it is slowly driving me crazy.  I guess I'll just book the flight once it goes down to $539.  I also have more hotel rooms than I need, but not sure which to keep because I don't know how long I am staying.

Another trip I'll be taking in September is a side trip at the end of a work trip.  I will be going with two other ladies, one of which I've hung out with and one that seems nice enough to want to spend a few extra days with.  Having three people who are so easy going is hard because we all don't care and we all don't want to do something the others don't.  We still have time, but it is going to be a bit pricey but I have time to save.

I also have to work on a study plan for my exam, but I know realistically I am not going to start studying for that until August.  So I keep putting that off too.

And worse, I have an elliptical but I don't do it when I get home from work because I am so hungry so I eat and I can't exercise right after I eat...so I am not exercising as much as I should be.  That pisses me off, because I do set my alarm for 5:15 am to wake up but for the last few weeks have been so exhausted I can't wake up - I am averaging about 3 hours 15 minutes of broken sleep each night...I'll blog about that another time.

So, what do you all do on weekends? Or if you had a few hundred dollars to get away for the weekend where would you go?  Or what kind of hobby do you have that you do at home after work?

not that kind of love

After the whole ManFriend thing, I have to say that I feel good, sort of relieved and less stressed.  ManFriend caused me so much stress, I didn't realize it - but I read most of the blog posts I wrote about him this past year and realized, even more, how toxic it was...and that regardless of what he told me, I do believe he used me for his own benefits, and I didn't just allow it, but sort of encouraged it because I put my faith in him thinking in the long run things would get better - I've always been hopeful.

The hardest part is that regardless of how heartless he was, he was still my friend during a time that I have so few.  Even if he was a completely selfish friend.  How do you go from knowing everything going on with someone one day and then never knowing what happens after?  And the routines of the daily chats and messages all just gone with nothing to replace it, yet.  And even though we had sex, I feel he was more of a friend than a lover.  It seems almost silly that the friendship has to end too - and normally I would never say that, I am a big advocate of once a love is over you shouldn't dwell on it (I've learned my lessons the hard way).

With SI and even Cop #1, after those relationships ended, I couldn't bear to be around them. I was so sad and depressed and my heart was completely broken. I couldn't hear about their lives and how wonderful they would have been because i was devastated it was going to be without me. With ManFriend, I am more sad to loose a friend than anything...as I mentioned the sex was mediocre and although I claimed to love him - I think it was more of a love like a brother or someone I'd known for so long that I grew fond of, but it was never a love like I had previously...which is why it took me so long to tell him.... because I knew it wasn't that kind of love.  Loves are different.  

So, that is that...I feel good emotionally.  I am sort of busy and I am planning trips and activities (although I need more suggestions) and I am determined to have a fantastic summer...I missed out last year because I didn't have any PTO days, but this year I am going to take advantage of the nice weather and outdoors.

Thank you all for your support this past year and for still reading even though you were nodding your heads in disappointment and yelling at me through the computer.  

Since You've Been Gone - Kelly Clarkson
taken from AZ lyrics

Here's the thing we started out friends
It was cool but it was all pretend
Yeah yeah
Since U Been Gone

You dedicated you took the time
Wasn't long till I called you mine
Yeah Yeah
Since U Been Gone

And all you'd ever hear me say
Is how I pictured me with you
That's all you'd ever hear me say

But Since U Been Gone
I can breathe for the first time
I'm so moving on
Yeah, yeah
Thanks to you
Now I get
What I want
Since U Been Gone

How can I put it? You put me on
I even fell for that stupid love song
Yeah, yeah
Since U Been Gone

How come I'd never hear you say
I just wanna be with you
I guess you never felt that way

But Since U Been Gone
I can breathe for the first time
I'm so moving on
Yeah, yeah
Thanks to you
Now I get (I get) what I want
Since U Been Gone

You had your chance you blew it
Out of sight, out of mind
Shut your mouth I just can't take it
Again and again and again and again

Since U Been Gone
I can breathe for the first time
I'm so moving on
Yeah, yeah
Thanks to you (thanks to you)
Now I get, I get what I want
I can breathe for the first time
I'm so moving on
Yeah, yeah
Thanks to you (thanks to you)
Now I get (I get)
You should know (you should know)
That I get, I get what I want
Since U Been Gone
Since U Been Gone
Since U Been Gone

Attractive jolt

On days you are sad or don't feel pretty, do you go out of your way to put on pretty panties, maybe a matching bra, a spray of perfume, heels? I notice I do that after a few days of being gloomy, sad or depressed.

What better time to do it then after a breakup.  I have to remember that I am fairly attractive and nice and I want to put out that good vibe and positiveness to the universe.  For the last few days I put on matching undergarments  I spent a little extra time on my makeup, my work clothes were put together a little slower and I hope that the weather cooperates with my hair.  I am not looking to get laid (I have two choices if that is all I wanted); I just want to feel better about myself and boost up that self-esteem.

And sometimes I do feel a little better, a nice, free, little jolt to feeling attractive.

The universe was proud of me

Saturday night I cried a bit...not so much because the relationship with ManFriend ended, but because with that, our friendship ended.  At a time in my life where I have such few friends, he was a constant that I began to rely on to talk abut all the stupid stuff.

Before bed, I did the prayer to St. Ann and had my white candle lit, and once my tears flow, it is hard to stop, so I cried during part of this prayer.

Sunday turned out to be surprisingly great, and I can only believe that the universe is proud of me.  While I wasn't the only one what wanted the breakup, it was mutual, I've thought about it for so long.  And I was rewarded for it, which serves as reassurance that everything will be great.

Sunday started like any other.  I woke up around 6, did the treadmill for 40 minutes, showered, straightened up, made my to-do list, tried on some clothes, and once 9:40 came around, I began my errands of returning things from various stores because one the bills came in, I realized I couldn't keep everything I bought.  I also received notification that Downton Abby season 2 was ready for me to pick up...when I checked on Friday I was still number 200something.  Unfortunately I had 40 minutes to kill before the library opened so I stopped by my sister's house.  While there my phone rang and it turns out I won a 50-50 raffle that my mother ended me in at our church. I won $673.  When I returned home, I started making some egg muffins for the week and the doorbell rang and my roof rack and kayak rack were delivered! I wasn't expecting to receive that until next week...too bad it is raining and will continue to for the next several days.

So all these little things really helped boost my spirits and gave me confidence that things are starting to turn up for me.  And if this is the case, then that means I am meeting a wonderful man in the next few months.  And I have a very busy rest of the year between work trips, a personal trip, kayaking, an examination

not married because

I happened to catch a picture on Facebook that my best college friend T got remarried last night.  T was married right after SI and I broke up, she cheated on her husband got divorced and moved in with him probably a year and a half ago.  Now she gets married on the day ManFriend & I break up.  Strange coincidences her getting married right after my breakups.  So she's been married twice, I've been married - never.

So it got me thinking, some people are 'lucky' in the love/marriage department and other people like me are not.  I am not sure why that is.

On a smaller scale, I started to think about why the two men I loved didn't want to be with me.  For both, I am not 100% sure, it is all speculation.  With SI, I know he wasn't happy that I gained weight and that I bite my nails...but that can't be the only reasons he cheated on me and decided he didn't love me.  ManFriend, I am not sure either we communicated different and he was always upset that he felt that I didn't put effort into our relationship. I know I yo-yoed with my weight three times this year and a half...but so did he and you know, so did SI when we were together, so to break up over weight is stupid especially if they gained the same or more weight as me...and not offering to do something about it together.  I like doing things together - hikes, bike rides, walks, yoga, maybe the gym.  Not only would it bring us together, but we'd both reap the benefits.

I am not still single because of my cold heart and slutty tendencies because I am the furthest thing from that.  I am so warm and sweet and kind that I bend over backwards to help people and try to enhance their lives.  I don't think I suffocate them - but maybe it is more than they are used to.  And I am 100% devoted to people I love.  My sexual partner number is still less than 10.

I feel like I have such great qualities to give someone...why don't these gentlemen want it?  With SI, at least he had a mistress waiting for him...with ManFriend, I mean, he could be involved with another, but he was such a loner and a person that spent a ton of time by himself that I find that a little hard to believe (but I've been deceived before because of my trust in others).  So for him it was me or no one for the moment...and still he loved me in his way but not enough even though he claimed I was his angel and he wouldn't have made it the last 18 months without me and on top of that he said I was the best lover he's had so far.  For me, those items are enough to want to continue.  Clearly I am doing something to push men away.

This will all make me appreciate my future husband even more because he'll understand and appreciate me for who I am and it will be enough for him and we'll be really happy and all this will be silly.

I really hope that he comes soon.

Last night was the first night I lit my white candle, took out my 100 attributes for my future husband and said my novena to St. Anne asking for a special favor.  I can only hope it works especially because I am not very religious.  But what do I have to loose?

one last cry

Well, it is official, ManFriend and I just broke up.  I had plans to go down to NJ to see him tonight, more or less for a booty call, but he called moments ago and well, our conversation led to it being over.  While he didn't blame either of us for this happening, he said it wasn't what he thought.

I told him that I had no problem dating someone far away if I felt loved, and instead I felt neglected that he barely made time for me.  And it wasn't just that he moved, even when he lived close to me we only had sex., we didn't do fun couply things.  He kept saying be patient and let it happen naturally...but it never happened and we were 'together' for 18 months.  I told him I was unfulfilled and I have wanted more for so long...and he is in his own world.

He said he need to concentration on himself, and he's been going to the gym a lot.  That is fine, but it is always something.  First he was depressed, then he was unemployed, then he moved, now the gym....I think it is wonderful that he is finding ways to better himself, but why can't I ever be included in that?  I told him that if he liked me enough, he would have found time to be with me or to want to call me - just like I did all those little things for him over the last year and a half...my feelings were obvious.

He said he's been selfish...yes, I wanted to say that word too but I didn't want to be mean.  I started crying, because even though I knew this was going to happen, it still sucks.  The adjustment of not having my cell phone beep me with a message during the day, not kissing him anymore, etc. I told him I've known this was coming for a few months, but he claimed to not have know & he said he understood why I felt neglected by him and he 'feels bad' for it.

I know he'll be fine because he is a man...and when he broke up with his last girlfriend he & I started sleeping together a month after, while i know he loved her for a while longer...he still moved on fairly quickly. And for the last year and a half he has been all about himself, he only saw me when it was convenient for him, we had sex the way he liked it, we really only went out for sushi because that was his favorite, and we watched sports because that is what he liked.  Everything was about him. And I am still not sure he really loved me, even though he claims he did - maybe in his way.

But it is good we finally had this talk because now I can meet my future husband.  I'll pray to St. Anne and light a candle and  hopefully I'll meet my future husband soon.  I feel like I've learned all my love lessons, it time that the higher powers reward me with a very happy love/life.

Here's to moving on!

closer to the end

There are two things I expect in a relationship - feeling loved and consideration of my time; neither of which I get from ManFriend.  Last Sunday when he was over I told him that this weekend I was completely free, I suggested we do something fun during the day, he agreed and said now that it is summer there are great summer activities.  I was looking forward to it. 

During the week, I wanted to be sure I reached out to him because I didn't want it to be awkward this weekend.  On Wednesday I asked him to come up with a plan and to let me know by Friday morning what day/time I was doing what, so I can plan the rest of my weekend accordingly.

Friday morning came and went, even with my two reminders.  After work I called him to ask about our plans, but he wanted to chat after the gym.  I called him 3 hours later and sent a text, which he finally responded to after 30 minutes.  We spent 50 minutes on the phone; the first 40 he talked about his job.  When he said he'd call me tomorrow morning, I flipped out.  I told him that if he doesn't tell me our plans, if any...not to bother calling tomorrow morning or at all.  

He said to be at his place at 7pm.  So of course I was disappointed - what happened to that fun summer activity?  We never do anything.  And now that he lives 70 minutes away, Saturday night feels like a booty call, just pre-planned.  And just because he is farther away he expects me to stay over...normally I would be delighted...but when he lived 5 minutes away, we rarely did that (although I wanted to) and he'd practically kick me out in the morning.

I don't want to be in a causal relationship anymore.  You don't tell someone you love them in a casual relationship.  This just isn't right.  And I don't want to see the person I am dating once a week for sex...that isn't a relationship in my eyes.  I am sure it works for some people, but that isn't what I am after, and I must have told him that during everyone of our serious conversations.  I want a 'relationship' that leads to marriage or a relationship that is similar...reliance, dependence  companionship, etc.  I think ManFriend is very happy with this arrangement and just wants to supplement his solo life with someone he enjoys sex with weekly.  And now that he is 'far' away...do I have to worry about him getting it from someone else?  I wouldn't worry about that if he made me feel loved...but I don't, I never know where I stand.

So, I am not sure if I am going to go...or if I go, maybe I'll just tell him on Sunday that this isn't what I was expecting, and I can't do it anymore.

(prepare for some mad/sad/annoyed posts when this happens -- but I bought the kayaks to help with the little depression I'll have)

personal area of improvement

Every once in a while during the last two years I'd search for a class on small talk.  I didn't find anything.  Then this spring the local continuing education center had a class called "how to schmooze", I figured it was close enough so I signed up for this two night class.

Even though I've worked with clients for the last 7 years and have a lot of customer service going back 15+ years, I have a really hard time with talk about nothing.  I usually talk with a purpose whether I want to know something or if I am sharing a specific piece of information.  Talking about nothing is really hard for me.  My mom and two of my sisters have this skill, but my father, a sister and I do not.

This class was more business oriented, which I was fine with since I want this skill for work.  When I have cocktail receptions and dinners with the volunteers I am with them for hours and I struggle with how to start a conversation that isn't work related.  Unfortunately the class was more networking like - how to work the room, how to join the circle, etc.

The teacher provided some articles, books and some websites with tips...but honestly I know the best practices, I've read all about them...I wanted help how to DO them.  There was some 'public speaking' as we all had to get up in front of the class and speak, and I am 95% fine with that...my issue isn't speaking; I am fine speaking about things I am knowledgeable about.  The teacher and a few of the participants came up to me and said they were surprised I felt I needed to attend the class, I come across and not having an 'issue'.

So, I guess it is good that I don't project that shy timid persona.  And maybe this class wasn't exactly what I was looking for, but it gave me a few good tips, although I don't know how practical some of them are in real life situations.

But I do have a problem; I cannot maintain a conversation that either I don't really care one inkling about or after someone asks me a question, and I answer with a very brief succinct answer, I can't keep it going - I don't ask followup questions and I don't elaborate. Sometimes I can't think that fast other times I really don't know where to start, or I don't even know what kind of question to ask. I don't come across as a bitch, I am super sweet and I smile a lot and seem interested.   I wonder if my problem is because I don't tell stories, I don't have too many, and I can't tell a story and be brief & funny or interesting.

It is something I know is a problem area for me, and I am working on it.  I don't think it will hold me back professionally since I've pulled it off this far, but I want to be better and that will allow me to grow professionally and do better in the long run.

Anyway, after the first class, we had homework - to talk to strangers every day, start a conversation   UGH, that is like the worst ever homework assignment...but what did I expect?  I carried a small notebook to record my at least once a day encounter.  But I really didn't start a conversation until one night I went on a 'date' and after dinner we sat at the bar and had a few drinks.  The guy's friend ended up coming in with his female friend and I struggled chatting with them, but I was fine with the 'date'.  I was watching a March Madness game and was all of a sudden distracted by this smell of food.  I told the 'date' that it smelled delicious and continued to watch the game and try to talk to my group.  But that smell just lingered in the air.  I turned to the the person to my left and said, "Your dinner smells so delicious".  He told me what he was eating and said he got it every time he went there....then he offered me to eat off his plate to try it!  How nice, but hmm, he is a complete stranger.  Is this what it is like to talk to strangers?  I am not sure I am comfortable with that.

a move to escape

What is it with us that when love fizzles away or something bad happens, we want to escape.  Perhaps moving far far away to start over and not be near things that either remind us of someone or to find a place that is new to distract us and keep us busy so we don't think of our troubles.

For a while I wondered if I was the only person who had these thoughts.  After SI and I broke up, I was visiting my sister in North Carolina, and I came really close to buying a huge townhouse.  I wanted to just start over.  I didn't though, because I thought, maybe if I stayed where I was we'd reconcile.  So stupid.  Anyway, SI and I didn't live in the same area, so I wasn't concerned about bumping into him at the supermarket or the library or deli, but still distance seemed like a good idea.

While the ManFriend thing didn't fizzle, and I probably won't get the urge to move away from him - if we broke up while he still lived local, I would have run into him at the library (we bumped into each other here more than anywhere else), walking home from the train, at restaurants, etc.

This week on How I Met Your Mother, they reminded us that Robin decided to move to Japan when Ted & Victoria were going to get married, and we learned that (spoiler alert if you didn't watch this week) Ted was escaping to Chicago because Barney & Robin were getting married and he couldn't be around them.  While I understand these are fictional characters, the feelings they are portraying are real - the need to escape when we are heartbroken.  The desire to get away and start over where constant reminders are not going to haunt us.

This doesn't just apply to heartache, I think other major life changes - death of family members, laying off/firing of job, problems with friends/families...so many reasons to want to get away for a while.  I have been thinking about moving and starting over for years, well I guess since the SI breakup.  I haven't yet...but I will.  Not to escape from him, please, its not even an issue anymore...but more because I want a life that I can't have here.  I want to be happier.

Have you moved away to escape from something?  Did it work out for you, or did you realize it was a mistake and moved back?

A decision...roof rack or moor the kayaks

After carefully weighing my options for the kayaks, I finally made a purchase.

My choice was between a roof rack or mooring my kayak in the water.  The mooring was $150 each kayak for the season.

Last week when I was searching roof racks, I narrowed it down to the two most known brands:  Thule and Yakima.  Unfortunately the Thule would run me $724.75.  I don't have that kind of money.

Yakima's website allowed me to put my car information in, and it told me what kind of rack I would need along with all the components.  It was fantastic, and super user friendly.  Yakima quoted me $483 plus tax.  Better than the Thule, but still a bit more than I'd like to spend. So I started looking at other website that offered this brand.

Amazon came in at $410.24 plus taxes..and maybe shipping depending on who was selling me the item, if not amazon.  OK,  so now it is an easier decision...$300 for a few months or $410 for years.  But could I do better?

I am a member or Ebates.  So I put in "yakima" to see what sites maybe I could get some money back.  A few sites offered Yakima products, so I built my system at REI, Moosejaw and Rakuten.

REI the products came to $506 + tax + free shipping + 2.5% cash back ($12) .  If you are an REI member, you'd get quite a bit back from them in your account at the end of the year.

The rakuten order totaled $403.60 + tax + $15 shipping (for the cross bars, since it was from an outside seller) and 5% cash back ($20).

Moosejaw the pieces totaled $434.70 with free shipping and 5% cash back ($21), but I found out from this website that Yakima was offering a rebate.  If you spend $300 then you get $30 rebate, $400 a $40 rebate and $500 a $50 rebate.  The rebate is valid for authorized retailers (Amazon, backcountry, rack & go, REI, Sun & Ski among others and 'other').  Of course REI was out because it was expensive. Rakuten and Moosejaw was out because they weren't on the list...and I was too nervous to select "other" in case it was not a valid store.

Turns out that Sun & Ski is part of Ebates AND they had their own 30% off  sale on Yakima products.  The total for the same 5 components totaled $362.18 after their sale + tax + free ground shipping since the order was over $75.  Plus I got 4% cash back ($14) and still qualified for the $30 rebate.  So figure it was $318 + tax....just a bit more than it would have been to moor the two kayaks at the harbor for 1 season.  Easy decision...buy a rack, which would allow me the flexibility to go to other areas to kayak (I signed up for a kayak meetup group).

The five components for me included a system (since I have a naked car):  towers, cross bars and clips.  Then of course the rack for the kayak, I chose the Big Stack so I can carry two - four.  I can't wait for the roof rack system to come so I can start using the kayaks.

I'll write a review when I assemble it and use it.

you wouldn't survive a week

I have a few people (extended family and/or friends) who I finally had to hide from Facebook because I am so tired of them either complaining or pretending to be the happiest person ever.

This one woman is pregnant.  I swear, you would think she was the first pregnant person on Earth.  I am not sure how she is even surviving her pregnancy.  She has a cold, she threw up, the morning sickness is lasting too long, she is gaining weight, she is uncomfortable, she felt it move, she had to go to work, she is so tired, etc.  On top of that she is selling her place and buying a house.  So not only is she the first person pregnant, she also has the best life ever because she & the man she is married to (they've been together for 2 years) are buying a house.  

Don't even get me started on the teachers.  It is a great field, and once in a while I regret not going into teaching, but they are the most annoying Facebook friends.  First of all, they work 10 months plus have all those holidays and vacations; a great perk of becoming a teacher.  But these teachers complain the most about their jobs.  It snowed an inch and school wasn't cancelled?  The parents of the students are crazy.  They have to do report cards.  They have to make up a day from using too many snow days.  The kids were wild.  Parent-teacher conference days.  Etc.   I rarely complain about my JOB, the one I chose to do, on Facebook.  I commute in downpours, snow, sweltering heat.  On top of my weather commute - mass transit doesn't always work well, and the trains are supper packed or running late or cancelled.  I have clients, I have volunteers all of which during my career have been rude to me or were unresponsive.  I have staff meetings and I travel for work.  I work my butt-off.  I don't have the summer off.  I don't have the week from Christmas to New Years off.  I don't belong to a union.  I don't have the option of working in the summer for extra pay.  I can't wear jeans or sneakers to work.  I don't mind a little complaint here or there about a job and something that frustrated you - but when you do it daily or 3 times a week....maybe you shouldn't be a teacher, or maybe you need to start appreciating what you have.  I dream about you having my job...you wouldn't survive a week.

And those other people that updated their Facebook status 3-100 times a day...poof, you don't show up in my news feed either because I don't give a shit that you went to Starbucks  ran 3 miles, had a cookie you shouldn't have, or saw a pigeon poop on someone's head.

I can survive anywhere, I'm from NY

Thinking back to yesterday's post about moving, I remembered that moving somewhere new where you don't know anyone is scary.  I honestly am not sure if that is something I would do.  

But why should I let not knowing anyone or the area stop me from potentially having a great life?  I mean...I am from New York...I can survive anywhere.

OK, that probably sounds horrible...but for those of you that aren't familiar with New York metro area - it is not quite like what you see on TV.  On TV, you see young professionals in these gorgeous NYC apartment...OK so some of them have a roommate....but really, in those areas? I think not.  What you don't see in TV shows are moving are the real everyday things.  You don't see many people getting groped on the subway, or the homeless man jerking off or peeing in the subway station, or even hear the sirens going off all night long.  You don't smell the stink of Manhattan in the summer or see the people walking up 5 flights of stairs to get to their apartment.  You don't see the commuters rushing to their trains, and the traffic on the bridges, tunnels and the streets.  

I like to think one skill I have that I never really think about it that I've lived in Manhattan, I've commuted into Manhattan for about 12 years and I can weave through all the people on the street and in Grand Central.  I can walk fast, I can look past the crazy people on the streets and not even blink an eye when they do/say something bizarre.  I can listen to sirens for a while before I realize they are even going off.  And living in the metro area has allowed me the skill of not making enough money to survive on and live paycheck to paycheck (if that).  I am 'tough'.  Not tough like gangster tough, not even close, but all these elements have given me a little toughness and independence - a way to handle situations thrown at me, and for the most part, I can handle with grace.  (I know it doesn't seem that way on the blog...but this is my diary/thought, not what I exert to the real word - real world and my mind are a bit different)     

I know it sounds silly....but going from the mad rush life to a suburban town in middle of nowhere, it will take me a while, but I can adjust.  There won't be too many surprises.  It would be relaxing; a shorter commute, more money in my wallet, a nice place to live, work may be easier.  The hardest thing to adjust to for me would be all the small talk with strangers.  

It sounds so great.  Only time will tell.

not ready to move yet

I remember this day soon after ManFriend and I were newly involved.  We were laying down on the couch in his living room kissing and he tells me he doesn't want me to move away.  He knew that the reason I was renting the apartment was because I wanted a new job - and I didn't want to stay in the NY Metro area anymore...but relocating isn't as easy as it seems.  I remember I thought that was so sweet, things were new and he liked me enough to want to keep kissing me and he would have been sad if I found a job elsewhere and moved away.  My job ended up being in NYC again...keeping me here for a while and still kissing him.

Today, ManFriend visited for a little while, and after we jumped each other, we were talking about his job/commuting/living situation and I was like, I have no idea where I am headed.  I need the apartment to sell first of course.  He suggested I live in Manhattan, and while I've thought about that a little, I more want to live in the suburbs in a nice community.  I want to feel like an adult. I want a decent, roomy place to live.  But why do I need that NOW?  Maybe if I make the life I want, the husband will come?  doubtful.

So ManFriend tells me he really thinks I should move...far away.  He named a whole bunch of cities I should try to find jobs and move to.

And I looked at him and thought - wow, so much changed in the last 18 months.  At one point he didn't want me to move, but now that he has - he is OK with me relocating.  I get it, I mean, I know this isn't going to last...but I was surprised.

I suggested, now that he has SO MUCH free time, he should look for jobs for me (I know he won't, but I send him jobs all the time).  He told me that hopefully in a year or so, I'll have a much better grasp on my living situation and my career - and I can only go up.  He has complete faith in me that I will succeed and be really happy.

Ideally, yes, sure, I'd love to move away...and it would be a great time...you know 'recovery'.  But I really like my job, and I am not ready to move away...and I have a test I need to take in December, so I really don't want to study for that AND search for a job at the same time, oh, and raises go into effect in October, and since I haven't had a raise in years...I'd like to see if it is a 'normal' raise, or a bump up.   So, I am not thinking about it just yet, but if an opportunity comes up, I am not going to quickly dismiss it, but seriously consider it and maybe take the chance - why not right?

the big roof rack decision

The only thing on my mind yesterday & today is how to transport my two kayaks.  I can either spend $150 each to moor them in the water near me or I can buy a roof rack and the kayak accessory thing - but that is nearing like $600, and well, I don't have that kind of money right now. I know the roof rack is more economical in the long run - provided I keep the kayaks for 2 summers and of course I can then go where ever, not just near where I live.  And later on, I can add more pieces to it like a luggage thing, cargo, bike rack, etc.

I read a bunch of blogs about what people think are the best, and it really varies so much.  I looked a the 'big' websites for sporting good: REI, EMS, Thule, Yakima, Dicks Sporting Goods, Sports Authority.  I even checked Amazon and Ebay just to get a full idea.  I know I need one that will fit two kayaks so that is one easy decision...but I am so completely confused otherwise.

And really, can I even manage to put roof racks on my car by myself? Probably, but it would take a while - I'd rather pay someone to make sure it is done right...but again that is money.

If any of you out there tell me what you have and if you like it, that might be helpful.  I have a small little car, which is good as in that I won't have to stretch too much or use a step stool to touch the top.

When I get one...I'll write about it, but until then...send me ideas.

A friend for my kayak

My blue kayak now has a friend, yellow kayak.  I figured that I'd get more use out of my kayak if I had someone to go with me - and I want to get use out of it, enjoy my summer...and get a bit of a tan in the process of de-stressing and clearing my head, getting more fit and enjoying the summer.

Over the weekend I spent a bit of time getting a life jacket, paddle, cockpit cover, water bag, and looking into mooring it in the harbor.  But since I now have two, it might make more sense to get a roof rack that can hold two kayaks....more research that I'll have to do because I know ManFriend can't handle that.

I am hoping this will be one of the better summers that I've had in a while. But how can it not be?  The way things are shaping up, it seems like it will be great.  June - work trip to Indianapolis, July - family party, July-August - Yellowstone & Grand Teton, August - not sure yet but I'll find something or take days off and kayak right here.  September - Rio de Janiero, November - San Diego.  AND I hope to find the future husband during those months.

So for your sake, I am hoping that there will be some great things I can blog about so you, my readers, have something new and great to read about instead of all my recent complaints.

exhausting

On Sunday ManFriend called me.  We had a long discussion about our ignoring each other...and why we do it. We both expected each other to reach out first, and it is childish, we expect more of each other.  Is it a sign?  We expressed our disappointment, him with me not reaching out all week and me telling him I don't feel like he is showing interest, that I felt he was the one to reach out because the plans were at his new place, and I didn't even have that location yet, and that he told me that Monday that he could handle helping me through this, and then ignored me the rest of the week, which led me to think he gave up.

Of course I cried a little during this conversation, it is exhausting.  In the end he invited me over that evening. I said OK.  I was curious about where he lived and also, I thought if I saw him maybe I'd sleep better and not be so pissed off.  So I drive the 75 minutes over there.  We make out and kiss and end up in the bedroom in minutes, where we have fast sex and he finally came inside of me. We went out for Sushi where I let him vent about his job for 50 minutes and then I left and 85 minutes later I was home.  So I was in the car more than I was with him.  If this is any indication what our 'future' would be like...it isn't worth it.  Sure, I am attracted but it isn't enough.

When I first got there, before and during the kissing, we both agreed that this might not work and then we move on, but no more of this childish behavior.  It isn't healthy and it pisses us both off.  I/we can't live like that.  So, regardless of what happens now, he knows I tried and I think he might have a little.

I think my biggest issue, and I've told him this, is that I don't feel the love, I don't know if he is trying, it isn't obvious.  And while I shouldn't compare to the past, I feel like if SI and I were in this situation  he was the kind of guy that would show effort...I had a lot of that...flowers, a little gift, calling me, having answers for things I need help with, etc.  I knew how he fake felt about me.  I asked ManFriend to do a little research for me on a car rack for the kayak - and when, 5 days later I asked him - he said "there are lots of kinds you can get.  Depends on price and brand.  maybe get a thule".  What kind of help is that?

So he is paying about $500 more per month in rent (with w/d in unit, balcony, pool, tennis courts, etc), lives 15 minutes from his job...and was telling me that he can't stay at his job more than the rest of the year.  Mind you even before he moved, he didn't like his 'new' job...but he refused to want to look again because really he job searched so much in the last year. His place is nice though, I thought it was cozy and something I would have picked out too - but I know we have very similar tastes in things like that.  Perhaps it was fate that had him move just because this is extremely inconvenient and we needed this kind of reason to 'break up' because if not we would have been stuck in a horrible cycle.

I'll keep you updated.

he used me?

A month before ManFriend left, I bought this really nice card that stated something about how important someone was in my life and how I was happy there came to be in my life.

I like cards, I feel like it is fairly cheap, but a nice thing to give on occasion to let the other person know you are thinking about them....hmm, but I never remember birthday or holiday cards.

Anyway, so in this card, I wrote a mini novel to ManFriend:

"I was attracted to you from the first moment I saw you - when you stopped by to chat about the apartment.  As we got to know each other and spend time together, I developed feelings for you - but tried to hold them back because that was not the 'relationship' we agreed upon.  However, seeing you 2-3 times a week and chatting/texting in between made it more difficult for me.  By April of last year, I knew I liked you more than I should.  Since then our 'relationship' has been unusual and complicated.  Maybe we are both stubborn or maybe we were never on the same page at the same time - but it started to take a toll on me.  By October I was completely frustrated - I wanted to spend more time with you but instead we started seeing each other less and less.

The night you told me you wanted to be part of a couple and that you loved me was a wonderfulnight.  I was excited that you maybe felt the way I had for all those months.  Unfortunately, things really started to take a nose dive after that.  and while I hoped maybe our relationship wouldn't be a secret and we'd start to have a more 'normal' relationship, you acted as if we were just friends.

This past year and a half has been a roller coaster for me, but mostly I've been disappointed and let down.

I always figured teh next time I fell in love, I'd be happy, cheerful, and excited  which is why I didn't tell you want you wanted to hear for months.  I couldn't say that when our 'relationship' needed tremendous work, because I was fearful  if I did say that - you would think that it was enough for me, and it wasn't.

But, I was wrong to hold those words hostage.  I had developed strong feelings for you, and the feeling I got in my belly when i was upset or let down really got to me.  And when we kiss, the world goes blank and I am transformed into a place I didn't know existed.  It is those reasons plus more that I realized, I did, in fact, love you, ManFriend.

I am sorry it took so long for me to say, but I know you knew I felt it long ago.  And I do not know if me saying it sooner would have changed our relationship or encouraged you to want to see me more.  I am a big believer in fate and things happening for a reason.  I have no doubt about why the universe brought you to me, and I am thankful for the time we had together.  I learned a lot about me and about the type of relationship I want.

I'd like to thank you for putting up with me, and I hope I impacted your life a little too.

I am going to miss you.  But I also know you;ll be happy wherever life takes you since you seem know what you want and do what you want.  I'll be good too.

Love, Denise"

So, while I wrote that a month before he left, and before I actually told him I loved him, I gave that to him 2 days before he moved.  He read part of it before we went for trivia, and after he again told me how amazing I've been to him this past year and a half and how lucky he was to have me.  He said he loved me and hoped that we would continue our relationship since he was only moving an hour away.

Then the moving day came and I didn't see him, well, for 12 minutes the following day when he came to pick up miscellaneous stuff he couldn't fit in his car and when he made plans with me for the coming Saturday (May 4th since he blew off dinner that night because of the stitches he needed).  On Monday we texted a few times that was basically me telling him I was having a really hard time with him leaving and that I needed him to be nicer to me, and to do little nice things - like I did for him over the last year and a half, and most importantly not to jump down my throat if I was a bit testy...since I was extremely emotional.  He said he understood and could do that.

I didn't hear from him since.  Saturday May 4th came and went and I didn't hear a word out of him.

That older man invited me out for drinks with his friends, and I went so I wouldn't sit home alone, depressed and ready to cry - even though the last few days I've been OK.  I know I could have called ManFriend to confirm today, but I wanted to see if he really cared about me.  For the last 18 months, I questioned if his feeling for me were sincere or if he was playing me because I was his landlord and I'd allow things to his advantage because I was nice and had a really hard time differentiating my landlord position and my whatever my relationship with him was.  It might not have been correct, and I certainly wouldn't call it a game - but I wanted to know if he would be nice and sweet and tell me he missed me and couldn't wait to see me.

Instead, he moved and more or less forgot all about me already.

So on my second glass of wine on an empty stomach tonight, I messaged him telling him to send me money for the book case that he essentially stole from me (I told him he could buy/have the 2 tables, but not the bookcase - but come moving day, it was all gone).  I, of course, didn't hear from him.

So the lucky bastard got my two living room tables, a nice bookcase/room divider, and all the other crap things I did for him over the last 18 months - including cases of beer, wine, groceries, homemade food, gas without waiting in line (twice) during the hurricane gas shortage, a free tow (which he didn't end up taking), leaving the apartment with things for me to clean out and clean, among others.

I get some of that is normal stuff....we both paid for dates, but me more so because he was out of work for what 7 months during that time? I allowed his rent to be up to two months late without charging a penalty ..and in return he gave me the fastest unsatisfying sex ever (well, he really liked it - and maybe 3 times I thought it was great).

I got a few dates, 1 movie, and a few thank yous.  Since I didn't hear from him at all in almost a week, I wonder if he finished my card - even typing it here, I wonder if it was a breakup card or an I'm sorry it took me so long to say this all to you card.  Sure, I loved him, hard not to after a year and a half...but I was always so disappointed.

So maybe those 12 minutes we had last week were our final goodbye.  I don't know.  Which I think sucks more - we didn't have the breakup talk.  we didn't have any kind of talk.   So I am left in limbo.  But it shouldn't be his decision alone.  I mean, I guess I've known this was coming for months, and I am OK with it...but dammit - don't tell me 2 days before you leave that you love me and are planning things months away and how I can spend a few nights a week at your place and commute into the city....when you just plan to ignore me once you move.  It would have been better if he didn't say anything.   Or if he was serious - instead of saying it - buy me a 10 trip train ticket, that show me you love me and really mean what you say - not just words.

So, was he just using me these past months? I am starting to think he was...and I was a fool because I let it happen again.  I let men use me, and I am so easy about it too....with SI, hello, I bought him a radar detector so he can speed on to the mistresses house and back 'home' to me....I had no idea, but I enabled it and allowed it and even encouraged it.

Will I wonder about ManFriend, sure of course I will.  I have been so curious why his previous relationship before me was with a 23 year old (he was 40), he was in love, they moved in together, he thought she was the one....they had that full relationship - met family, friends, trips....and I don't see how they had anything in common, and he a few times said they really didn't...looking back he was just in a cloud because she was so young and hot.  So why couldn't he do any of that 'normal' stuff with me?  Not that I will dwell on that, but that is what I'd wonder, the girl he starts sleeping with next (if it hasn't happened already) - will she get all those things I wanted?  Will she hate the sex but stay with him anyway because it becomes addicting?  Or will he never settle down because at this point at 42 1/2 he is so set in his ways that he won't be able to adjust well having someone around all the time.

Is it true that the higher powers won't give you something better until you aren't going to make the same mistake again?  Do I have to have another 'test' and stand up for myself?  Is it so wrong to want to do really nice things for people you care about?  I am scared if I stand up for myself - I'll be seen as a bitch and no one wants that, but caring too much I guess is detrimental also -for me emotionally, and I am seen as a toy/something to control in their eyes - and who can love that?

A few of my FAVORITE things: Apps

I have an iPad, iPod and a [android] smart phone.  But I really don't take advantage of all the Apps out there.  I just don't see the need or want to waste my time playing those silly but addicting games...I like to think I have better things to do with my time.

But there are a few Apps I love:

Shazam - Ever wonder what that song that is playing on the radio is?  Well, just Shazam it.  Click the Shazam button when the song is playing and within seconds it can identify so many songs.  I think I only encountered one song on the oldies channel it couldn't identify...not bad.  It does not work necessarily in a loud bar or even at a concert - I've tried just to see if it would work.  This is my most used App, mostly because I am just so amazed.

Flight Board - This app wasn't free, but it wasn't expensive.  I travel a little, but this has been really handy especially because when I bought it we had a snowstorm and so many flights were cancelled and when I called the airline I was more informed.  It is laid out just like the boards at the airport...and living near 4 airports, I could easily look / find information for all of them.

Talk - Since I have gmail, the Talk app is fantastic - Instant messenger with contacts.

NBC/ABC/CBS - watch full episodes of most shows they broadcast.

My Fitness App - great way to count calories.  There is even a scanner function so you can scan a barcode and wohla, it is entered into your daily diary.  After playing around in the App a little - you realize how easy it is to use.

FitBit - you need the device, but the App is free.

ColorNote - I love lists.  ColorNote allows has two options - notes and check-off lists.  You can even change the color of the note so when you see the main page, it is all full of color.  Some of my lists:  "I Never" (for my 2013 Resolutions) and "Wines I Like" because I can never remember - and I barely remember to update this when I drink something I like when I am out and about.

slowly adjusting

OK so it's been a week since I've seen ManFriend.  We chatted a little last Sunday and on Monday via text where we just seemed annoyed with each other - maybe because we both realized things weren't going to be the same and our emotions got the best of us.

On Monday when I was explaining to him I wasn't handling his departure well, I felt like I had to justify why I was sad and a little moody.  He asked what he could do to help...and I wasn't sure. I explained to him that I shouldn't have to ask for help - and even specifically to tell him what to do - but just to do things....like I did for him when he was sad & depressed last year.  He claimed he understood and said "ok".

I haven't heard from him since.

So now it is 9pm, and we originally said we'd get together tomorrow.  I don't know if that is still on or not.  I have been talking to myself with scenarios.  1) I don't call/text/show up -> and he flips out because we talked about this last Saturday...but I like real invitations and confirmation if I haven't heard from you in a week...plus I don't know his address  2) I hate not knowing if I have plans and what time they start because I end up wasting my day...and I HATE when people don't appreciate my time.  3) If I don't hear from him until midday or early evening tomorrow asking me to do down...do I? Yes because I'd like to see him...but No because what makes him think that kind of assumption is OK.  4) I fear if I do go down at the last minute, it would be more like a booty call...we did that at the beginning  but I can't go back to that at this point, I have no desire for that and I don't want to be stuck in that cycle.

And I don't understand his thinking.  Now that he lives 15 minutes from work, he should have time.  There is no excuse that he can't contact me in the evenings to check in.  I know he would be thinking I could contact him too, but my feelings were more on the line, and since HE wanted to continue our relationship after he moved....I would have liked HIM to reassure me it was doable for him.  I know I am capable of handling it, but I didn't think he was, and so far I am proving that right.

I haven't cried or teared up since Tuesday....so I want to say I am slowly adjusting to him not being in my life anymore.  I am hoping that with the one door closing, another one will open wide.

Last night, out of the blue, Bank Boy IMed me asking if we can resume our casual sex.  He gets so mad when I say no.  It's been what 2 - 2/12 years? He is way too needy, and I don't want to get involved in that again.  Of course I said no.

A new hobby?

A few posts ago I mentioned I was going to need something to do to keep busy and to help get over ManFriend.  I was thinking, I live near the water and I am not taking advantage of it, and I should because who knows how much linger I'll live around here.

I also thought that I like to spend time outside, well minus the bugs. And I love water. 

Do you see where I am going?

I bought a kayak. 

I just hope I can find other people to do it with occasionally, I don't mind alone sometimes, but sometimes others make it more fun.

I hope this is what will get me out of my funk.  And this weekend I am going to buy the accessories, and who doesn't live that?

Nothing in common

One of my 'friends' had a baby 5 months ago. I was just invited over to meet the little guy. I went there with my mom and 2 other ladies. 

Granted I had a migraine before I went over so I was a little out of it, but once the Excedrin kicked in and I felt better...I still barely talked.  I have zero in common with her now and I had nothing to say when it came to stories of birthing children, raising a child and/or being married.

The 'friend' is two years older than me and reassured me that when it is my time she'll fill me in on all the things people didn't tell her.  Sweet as that might be, so many of her comments upset me; I might never be in her position. And quite frankly I am getting tired of people assuming I have children because of my age or because why wouldn't I? Not everyone wants children, others can't have children and then there are people like me who hasn't met anyone to have a child with. I wasn't lucky in the love department - and I might never have the opportunity if or when I find a man I like enough.

So many people say I still have time.  Even this 'friend' but then she spent 20 minutes talking about all the extra tests she had to have and how she had to be extra cautious.  When I asked if she'd have another, she said absolutely not because it isn't easy at her age...and what about when the baby is older and the parents are elderly?  And by the time I got pregnant and had the child - I'd be her age...which she claims is the line of 'too old'.

I agree with her rationale, I never wanted to be an 'older' parent.  I don't have that kind of energy and I am not sure I'd want children so close in age - which I'd have to do because of my age and my husbands age, because he will probably be a bit older than me. And I am not close to getting pregnant, I have to meet someone and decide to have their child, that will take at least a year, maybe two. I won't be one of those people who accidentally get knocked up, not in my mid 30s.

At times it is hard to have friends whose lives keep changing and mine doesn't. I keep thinking I finally have a few good friends, and poof, they're lives change and I am not a part of it anymore. Sure we can be cordial, but they want to be friends with people they have more in common with. Playdate moms, park friends, PTA, etc. 

Don't get me wrong, I am always very happy for them and I always buy a nicer present than I can afford. I get it, friends come and go. I just don't want to always be seen as the black sheep or the old maid. 

GO AWAY

Are you kidding me?  I log into my LinkedIn account - not that I really use it, but people tell me I need to have one. So I go in there occasionally and just accept invitations.  Just now I log in and look at the people who've viewed me....and guess who viewed my profile sometime in the last 15 days - THE MISTRESS...SI's mistress.  Why is she checking up on me? To find out if my last name changed? To see where I work (does that even show up for a non-connection)?  Isn't it bad enough when I get a call from her (old?) area code - that my stomach drops and my blood pressure increases?

Well, Mistress, I might complain a bit, and I know I am underpaid...but I am doing well professionally, I am on the right path; I have gained a tremendous amount of respect and value at work this past year.  And whether I stay there or move to another place...I don't know, but I know the next step will be higher and even more rewarding.  Oh and guess what - I have a work trip coming up in Brazil.

Looking back, I feel silly we fought over the same man.  I should have let you have him that night I found out about you, but I was blinded by love.  And because of that I lost years of my life- something I'll never get back, and for what?  A man that didn't even love me?  Did he even love you if he kept me around? Those years I should have spent looking for a new job, a new place to live, to relocate, to find a new man and have a baby, to make friends...all things I put off because I didn't know where my life was heading, thinking I'd end up with SI.  My 20s being the worst years of my life...aren't they supposed to be the best?

And here I am....getting to the age you were when this all went down - I can understand why you didn't want to let go either - the things I worry about now, you did then.   Just be thankful you and SI did a lot more 'fun' things than he & I did and that he didn't ruin your 'fun and important' 20s - the time you are supposed to figure out how to be an adult.

Do I still think about that time? Of course - there were many qualities of SI that I adored and haven't found in other men that I see as a requirement and I occasionally wonder what would have happened if the cheating thing didn't happen - would we still be together? Would I have had a child? What kind of job would I have had?  A relationship where we can't stand each other but are still together? I think those are all very common curiosities with anyone - I've thought that way of other men as well.  Women, we like to think of the what ifs - doesn't mean we aren't over it - and whose to say it is all thought about in a positive way, I think negative things too.

So, I haven't been lucky in love since him...but I'd like to think it is around the corner...something to make up for all that horribleness that I didn't even deserve.

I have a fabulous family, I own property, have zero credit card debt, a handful of good friends and like I said I enjoy my job.  Overall, I am doing OK, and it can only get better.  So it took me forever to move on and get over it...but I eventually did.