you're lingering

You all are fed up with ManFriend, I get it, I do.  And I know you wonder why I've allowed it to continue this far.  I don't have a great answer for that, but I want to remind you to my first 2 years of blogging when I talked about this SI guy.  Quick summary - I was head over heels in love with the guy, and about 2 1/2 years into our 5 year relationship, he started a double life.  It was becoming annoying but he did all the right things to string me along instead of breaking up with me.  He bought a house and we moved in together, and that is when I realized how downhill our relationship went.  After 10 months there, I found out about his fiancee...I wasn't even engaged.  I was shocked and I moved out - and then he strung me along for 2 years because I wanted nothing more than to be with the man I loved, even though he was unfaithful and I could have gotten over it.  So while I was in a sad, depressed fog, waiting for him to pull his life together and waiting for his words to become actions - he decided he didn't want me anymore.  I had a really hard 5 years, that is no surprise.  And now when I look back, sometimes tears come to my eyes because I think of how selfish he was, thinking it was OK to have two (or more) women and intentionally deceiving me/us instead of just ending it when he slept with the other woman for the first time.  But I also am happy he decided he loved the other woman more and finally let me go - because I deserved better, I have no doubt about that anymore.

Which is probably why I hold onto ManFriend, if I love someone, I do what I do because I want to make it work, I don't want to give up on something that has potential.  And I think the whole rejection thing scares me - another man I love telling me he doesn't want to be with me.  Which is why I keep trying to end it, because I don't want to be hurt like I was in the past.  But really, I don't think I can be equally as hurt or devastated.  I know ManFriend is fizzling out, he is shady, and once he moves, I don't have to worry about seeing him and kissing him and falling for him all over again.  27 more days.

So imagine my surprise when this SI guy popped up in my most recent tea leaf & card reading.  I don't know why he is always there, is it just to tell my readers about the pain I was in or is there something more there that I don't realize? That I am hesitant to call someone a boyfriend or introduce them to family?  I've tried so hard the last 2 years to get over it and move on and do things for me. I've made really fantastic progress, and I want to say that my personality is back to what it used to be.  I even have been trying to understand men and relationships again.

When I meet my future husband, I'll know and appreciate how lucky I am that things are finally falling into place for me.

the ultimate compliment

Keeping the number of sexual partners low was something I strove for, I am not sure why exactly, maybe because I enjoy it a lot more when I like someone.  But I've done it with people I haven't really felt anything for and I survived just fine.

So what is my problem with telling someone I love them?  Why are those three words so hard to say?  At the current moment, I've said it to only one person.  And I know without a doubt I did overall...and at the time I said it, about 4 or 5 months into the relationship, I was 98% sure I did.  In that particular relationship we'd met each other's families, some friends, were seeing each other about 4 days per week, hung out/did things together.  Easy to know when you are falling in love when you spend so much time with someone.

I am 90% sure I love ManFriend.  It makes perfect sense...all the recent fighting.  It is because of love.  It is because I get so sad and mad when we aren't together. I miss him, and I know I want more.   However, the 10% is what is seriously making me doubt the 90%...how can I love someone when I don't spend so much time with them or when I haven't met any friends or family?  Then again....I've known him for 15 months or so, so that is a long time.


Love - a profoundly tender, passionate affection for another person; a feeling of warm personal attachment (dictionary.com).

So, why is it so hard to tell someone that you love them for the first time?

I think it is because it is locking me in for a while.  I am not afraid of the commitment, not at all, I am more afraid of, is this it?  Our relationship isn't normal, and if I say I love him, will he think I am happy?

But they are just words.  If I change my mind, I change my mind.  It happens all the time.  I will not start throwing it around and saying it all the time, but certainly when you have an attraction and intense feelings why not tell that person how much they affect you.  It is one of the ultimate compliments.

Text Book Donation

After I graduated college I didn't know what to do with some of my textbooks, they were expensive and the buy back program was minimal - not really worth it.  At the time I tried half.com and did sell a few books that way.  But after a while, I forgot to keep listing them and I rarely used the books I wanted to keep as reference.  4 moves later, the books were still in boxes in the attic or basement untouched.  If I had a whole room as a library, maybe I'd put them on a shelf, but I don't have much space.  

I could have donated the books to libraries or other book sales but they would probably be recycled.  I didn't want all those books to go to waste.

I started to do some research to find out where I can donate these books for their intended purpose - to teach.  And who better to teach than those that want to learn...but don't have the resources?  OK, so the books are several years old - but they were mostly science and math - and that doesn't change tremendously for the 'basics'.  

Books for Africa was the charity I decided to donate my books to.  I had to ship my books to a warehouse in Georgia (It cost me $35 for about 70 pounds) and then they collect enough books to get a crate to ship to Africa.  If you don't have books to donate, you can donate to their funds for the crate shipment - it is about 50 cents per book.  After my donation, I received a standard thank you letter to use as a tax write-off.

At the time I posted this, Books for Africa accepted the following (but check their website for the most up to date information).  

Books For Africa Warehouse-Atlanta 2971 Olympic Industrial Drive SE, Suite B Smyrna, GA 30080   USA

Books For Africa accepts:

• 15 years old or newer popular fiction and nonfiction reading books (soft and hard cover).
• 1998 or newer publish date primary, secondary, and college textbooks (soft and hard cover).
• 2003 or newer reference books such as encyclopedias and dictionaries.
• 1998 or newer publish date medical, nursing, IT, and law books.
• Bibles are sent when requested by African recipients. We will accept Bibles or religious books, please place them in a box separate from other donations and mark the box as “Religious texts.”
• School/office supplies—paper, pencils, pens, wall charts, maps, etc.

Acceptable books are gently used and relevant to an African reader.

Books For Africa does NOT accept:

• Magazines or journals of any kind, including academic journals.
• Home decorating or wedding books.
• Cookbooks.
• Ethnocentric books, such as the biography of Abraham Lincoln or the history of Ohio.
• Foreign language books except for French books. French novels and dictionaries are welcome.
• American history or civics.
• Music books for K–12.
• Murder mysteries or anything with “kill,” “die,” “murder,” etc. in the title.

Next time you are cleaning out the garage, basement or attic, and find books you aren't using, I implore you to donate them.  Books for Africa might be a great place to donate to for items you know your local library will not accept.

love from afar?

One of the reasons I became unhappy in my 'relationship' with ManFriend was because the time we spent together started to dwindle.  Way back before we were dating, we were seeing each other 2-3 times a week on average.  Then we started casually dating, and it was 1-2 times a week.  By the time he said he loved me, it was just once a week...and now about 3 times a month.  That doesn't work for me, I like spending time with my person.

So imagine my dismay when I went back to the psychic this week and she told me there was a very good possibility I would be in a long distance relationship this year.

On the plus side - that means I like someone enough to make it worth it, so that makes me happy AND that means my possibility of moving away is even higher...and that brings a small smile to my face.

sell or move back in?

On top of all that other stress from the last few days, I have my living situation to deal with.  I am at that point where I need to decide if I want to move back into my apartment or sell it.  I really don't want to have to rent it again - I don't think I am the best landlord.  And apparently it isn't the best option for me, right now, as far as taxes/income/etc.

So what do I do?

The reason I left was so I can clear up my credit card debit, which I am happy to report I did.  But the single most annoying underlining factor why I hated it there was the noise.  There is no instillation and you can hear so much (up and down, not on the same floor).  I sleep so poorly that this was a really big issue for me.  I tried earplugs, I feel asleep with my finger in my ear and I went through such a horrible bout with insomnia for weeks when I barely slept and started going cookoo.  But I loved living alone, minus the loneliness sometimes.

All I can think of is to weigh the pros and cons of moving back in there:

Pro - live alone (no more listening to my father slurp everything he eats and my mother talking so loud into the phone); walk to train;

Con - won't sleep well; still a one bedroom; won't save extra money (opposed to living with family a little longer); will loose a lot of money from selling (lower price + realtor fees)

If I were to sell it, ideally I'd want to upgrade to a two bedroom minimum.  But realistically I can't afford that still....I won't get a raise until October - that is about 1 3/4 years since my last increase in salary because of the switching jobs.  And who knows how much that will even be, probably not enough to upgrade anything. I mean, over a 12 month span, a few thousand doesn't go far, especially with the costs of everything else rising (train, groceries, gas, food, etc).

Living alone in the greater NYC area is hard.  This is no quality of life.  I don't know why people live here when all we stress out about is money are are completely broke.

breakup #6?

I can't tell you want a stressful evening I had.

It started off well. I was looking forward to watching some (aka, a lot) of basketball and seeing ManFriend later.  But I kind of flipped out when I found out that his plans were cancelled for the day, and he was home, after I told him on Friday that I wanted to spend a weekend day with him.  I don't understand. I really just don't get it.  And I also found out this evening he put down a deposit for an apartment in NJ...so he will be about an hour away from me, something I knew was coming, and something that has been on the back of my mind for 3-4 months...was he just using me until he moved? or where his feelings real?  I shouldn't have to ask that, and if I do, I know that means it isn't right...so don't holler that at me.

I don't think I was hurtful in my messages, neither was he, but he has a way to twist things around and make ME feel guilty.  SI did that all the time too...is that a man quality? I don't understand.  I've been above and beyond the call of friend/girlfriend/lover.  And I am fully aware if that he doesn't get it or want more, I don't make him happy enough. Stupid me keeps trying, getting nothing in return except frustration - and yet, when the conversation ends, I feel guilty.  I feel sad.  I loose sleep.

So what started out as what I thought was going to be a nice night, maybe a stayover turned into a "I am not happy, I can't do this anymore, I am not happy in this 'relationship'" conversation.  My belly started to turn, I felt it, I wasn't expecting it.  I was with my family so no tears were involved, but my belly turned.  We texted a bit more and I really don't know where we stand.

Based on previous situations, we'll not talk for a week, then I'll suck it up and go over there.  We'll kiss....and then I am back where I started.

And on top of that...did you watch the Marquette-Butler game?  Oh My Goodness.  A great, edge of your seat game.  I am starting to get too old to have watchers anxiety.

Oh, you'll like this.  So yesterday I tell 1/2 the family about ManFriend based on the group brackets we have.  Today, the other 1/2 of my family didn't notice ManFriend's name.   And when my brother-in-law did, he assumed it was someone else's boyfriend because statistically  the odds of me meeting/dating someone are slim.  Even some of my family lost faith I can find someone.

the cat is out of the bag

March Madness one of my obsessions, good thing it is for a short time because my anxiety, blood pressure, and sleep all suffer during this time.  I like to win, what can I say.  This year my group extended - it was just my immediate family and the kids for the last two years, but this year my super close family friends joined in.  Between both families, there are 24 of us.  It is making the game even more fun because we are jumping higher number and there are more people involved with the texting and chatter.

So why then, a family friend member asked, is there 25 participants in our group?  Who is this other person. To which I replied, "oh, that is my ManFriend...congratulations, you are observant, I wonder who else will notice."  I didn't get any texts for a few days, even my sister's didn't say anything even though they know about him.  When I saw 90% of the group out at dinner last night, I heard "so, denise, is this extra person your boy toy"...and so I turned, faced my mother and said "OK, well, there you go, I am sorta dating someone"  and she high chirped and squealed   

I have no doubt that my mother hasn't known something was up for months, I mean we've been fooling around for 14 months...but you don't know my mother.  In like 2 days, I am sure I'll get an email/call from her friends, they will all congratulate me on having a boyfriend   Word is going to spread like wildfire.  At Easter next week, my aunts/cousins will all ask me about it.  And I hate that because I don't know if this has a future and I really hate that she tells people things that have no bearing on other people's lives.  She can't be casual about it.  It is more like...oh, denise found a husband, I wonder when she'll get married and have kids and buy a house. I don't see it that way, maybe that is just a sign he isn't the one.  But I shouldn't only have to introduce and tell my family about possible husbands....shouldn't they be OK with having a different boyfriend every year or few months?  Can't it just stay between our family?  I get they want me to be happy, I want that too. But I also want no pressure from them and no disappointment when it doesn't work out.   I just want them to be like - oh denise isn't around but I know where she is, and I don't have to worry and fear for her safety.

So, the cat is out of the bag, and I thought I did it in kind of a cute way, by having him participate and seeing who noticed - and who was gutsy enough to ask about it.  

luxury for running late

When I was a kid, my mom must have had me on a schedule - because schedules have run my life.  I love knowing what to expect but sure, I can be spontaneous at times too.

I've worked in the city now for almost 8 years and I went to school down there for about 6 - so that is about 14 years of commuting via train.  Trains run on schedules.  The schedules dictate what train to catch to make it in/out of the city to make it on time to class/work/home on time.  If I miss the train, I am late. Simple as that. 

In my current position, I have 17 minutes to leave my desk, say bye to boss, wait/take elevator, get out of building, and walk the 11 minutes to Grand Central and then walk through the crowds to get to the train.  I cut it close.  For the first few months I had shin splints and sometimes now I am sweating by the time I get on the train.  Sometimes it doesn't matter if I miss it, I mean, sure, there is another one 30 minutes later...but sometimes I plan things for as soon as I get off the train at my home destination.  Same is true for the morning commute, my train gets in 20 minutes before I get to work, plenty of time....but the train is late a lot in the winter and even in the summer.  

I hate being late.  It doesn't suit me.  My blood pressure rises, I get anxious.   

When I was talking to a friend, who drives to work, they mentioned they were running late that day.  I couldn't help but thinking....I don't have that luxury   Let's say they left 5 or 10 minutes late...maybe they make that time up, maybe they are only a little late.  But if I am late, I would be about 30 minutes late or longer.

So when you are running a few minutes late, just think of me and know that there are people out there that if they run late - it is much more difficult to sneak into work or reschedule appointments when we are on a tight  time table set by someone else.

Don't get me wrong, I like commuting enough...I read a lot on the train, I don't have to worry about falling asleep at the wheel - it is 'easy'.  And since I am such a schedule freak - it is quite perfect for me.  

pause...

Readers, I am sorry I haven't posted in days, but I found a new obsession....Breaking Bad.  I started it last week - and I am already at the end of season 3.  Yes, that is right, I have no life...or I could have a life, but I just need to keep watching.  Episodes after work, on weekends, if I am lucky I can get one in before I leave for the train.

So, I have to make it through the next few days, and then I'll get back into having time to blog again.

Breaking Bad is a good show, for adults.  Give it a try, I know Netflix has it.

An experiment on helping

I am quite independent, I don't need help often and I don't ask for help often...if I need it, I have no problem asking my family or a super close friend for a little assistance.

After the 'crazy about you' thing with ManFriend, I thought, maybe I should ask him for help, see how he reacts...maybe like a test.

So I text him one evening and say "when you get a chance, can you look up at the drop ceiling tiles in your building and let me know what size they are".  A super small and easy task.  He says 'absolutely'.

Two days later he messages me saying they were definitely not one foot, maybe 1 1/2 or maybe 2.   I thanked him for his assistance and went to the HomeDepot website and did a quick search on drop ceiling tiles and saw that a 2 foot tile was 'standard'.  OK, so sure, I could have done that days ago before asking ManFriend, but again, I was looking to see if he'd help me.  I replied back to him it must be a two foot one since that is 'standard' and I just looked it up online.  He responded he would measure when he got home.  I told him that was not necessary because I looked it up and was 99.9% confident that it was 2 feet, but thank you.  He kept at it.  I told him it was fine, I didn't need help.  He became a little defensive like 'what, you can't ask me for help?''.  So, blunt me says, "I already did.  I asked you to tell me how big it was 2 1/2 days ago, and when you responded you had a non-answer.  'about/maybe' doesn't count. So I took care of it, but thank you".  This went on that he would definitively text me later...I told him not to waste his time and that he has sufficiently annoyed me and that I would like to end this conversation.

I sat at my work desk and thought...when he looked at the ceiling, he could have measured it in a fake way...so maybe he doesn't own a tape measure (that wouldn't surprise me, he is not handy), but there are other ways to measure.  He could have taken off his shoe and figured out based on that how big the tile was...maybe 2 shoe lengths of whatever size he has, then a quick google search on men's shoe size and the inch equivalent   Or he could have used his thumb...part of the thumb is about an inch, so just measure it against the side of the tile.  Or even a sheet of paper; standard paper is 8 1/2 x 11...so just use the paper to get an estimate.  It is easy.  there is 6 inch difference between 18 and 24 so it is a safe bet when it comes to estimating that size.

Sure enough, ManFriend texted me late that night with '2 feet', yes, I've know that since he first text message with the non-answer.

This goes onto the "CON" list of ManFriend.  He is not handy, he couldn't handle a very simple task and he couldn't accept he failed at something and instead persisted even though I told him not to.  That last one should be a good thing, persistence to some extent is good....but he seriously annoyed the crap out of me with his non answers and whatnot.

My advice to all you men...and some of you women, is when you are asked for help either state "sorry, I can't help you" or "sure, I will get back to you"-and get back with a REAL answer....not a non-answer.  If you think you can help, and then realize you can't, I know that you had good intentions, but maybe the task was too difficult, I won't hold it against you if you are honest about it and simply state that you are sorry you don't have an answer...but please don't make something up.

crazy about you

After our 'date' on Sunday, ManFriend and I go back to his place.  He start kissing.  We keep kissing.  I can't tell you how amazing all this kissing is.  I get hot.  I lose focus.  I am utterly blissful.   I am so in the moment that part of me is worried something is going to slip out of my mouth, that I refuse to say, but that I feel.

As we get up to move our kissing into the bedroom, I stand up and he tells me how beautiful I am.  I am super happy hearing that.  We kiss again - and he tells he is crazy about me.  And I blurt out that I am crazy about him too, but it is really starting to scare me.

Are you wondering why I am scared about this revelation?  It is because I am infuriated about so many things about him & us.  How can I be crazy about a man when I hate our relationship?

It's the damn kissing.  I am telling you it is amazing.  But I can't let love kissing someone be what keeps me involved with him.  I know nothing is going to change significantly enough for me to know this is all worth it.

 

net worth increased

Since I sent in my most recent credit card payment, I couldn't wait to sync my Quicken to see my current financial status.  Over the last few days I kept syncing waiting for the information to reflect to the program to show the ZERO balance.  I also finally got around to adding my 403b information in there, which made my assets look a tiny bit better.

When I first installed Quicken my Personal Net Worth was laughable...maybe $17,000 (Net worth is your assets minus your liabilities).  I had the mortgage, student loans and of course the credit cards - a lot of debt and little savings or cash.  Little by little over the last 14 months I saw this number gradually increase since I was paying down the credit cards and adding a little extra to savings/retirement accounts; I was becoming a little excited.  But I still have about $230,000 of debt - doubt that will go down a lot in the next 20 years since even if I sell my condo, I will upgrade to something nicer, which means more property debt...but that is a 'good' debt, so that isn't a huge problem.  I will be concentrating now on paying more towards those student loans - I've only paid about $25,000 of it in the last 10 years, and have quite a bit more to go.

With the last credit card payment hitting Quicken, my net worth finally broke $102,000.  While this is a huge improvement in 14 months, it is way less than it should be for someone my age, but it is progress.  Here is my progress:

March 2012 - $17,571
April 2012 - $17,300
May 2012 - $49,256
June 2012 - $55,538
July 2012 - $61,531
August 2012 - $64,205
September 2012 - $67,071
October 2012 - $87,057
November 2012 - $89,307
December 2012 - $90,421
January 2013 - $93,823
February 2013 - $96,413


I hope to continue to see this number increase in the next year...although I hope to take a vacation, which would take a huge chunk of my super small savings, and bring the net worth down a bit.

Looking back at my Personal Strategic Plan I am ready for the 'continuous improvement' where I can re-evaluate some priorities now that they have changed.  Maybe I'll write about that next week.

still, just dating

I am 99.9% certain ManFriend has no idea about this blog...but yet his timing is always impeccable   Once I write about him...poof....I hear from him.  Strange.

He messaged me Sunday morning that last Sunday was better when he woke up next to me.  And essentially he asks if we can start having midweek stay overs.  I am not opposed to this in general, and want to see me in a situation where that is a normal occurrence   But, I am not sure if doing it with him is right.  So, he'll have me over a random Tuesday and then won't see me at all over the weekend...still filling his quota?

I write him back asking him what his intentions with me are.  Is this still causal sex? Is it a relationship? Is it something in between?  His answer might help me decide if I want to continue this or not.

He replied 'ah, the age old question women must have an answer to'

That annoyed me. It isn't like I asked it a month into our relationship.  We've been dating/sleeping together for 13-14 months.  My cousin was engaged after dating someone 8 months, my friend got engaged in her 12 month of dating, etc.  I don't think asking that AGAIN is wrong.  Sure it started off casual  but I'd have hoped by now he might know if he liked me/wanted to officially date me or not.  And I do think I am entitled to know what his thoughts are.  Remember when he got pissed off I told him I was going on a date back in January?  But yet, he thinks it is OK to be exclusive with someone when I see them once a week?   Granted we never even had that exclusive chat either.  I volunteered the information I wasn't sleeping with other people, but that was not because I want more sex, I do, it was more because who else would I sleep with?  On top of all that unusual stuff, he hasn't even met my family, well one brother-in-law and a niece and nephew.  I mean, I understand he thinks he is a bachelor...and doesn't want that stuff or complications in his life...but you can't be in an almost relationship and still think you can live in that old lifestyle.  It doesn't blend.  Either learn how to properly date or stay a bachelor and don't stay involved with one person this long.

So I ask him if he even likes me or just likes that I have sex with him.  Because I do a lot of really nice things for him.  I make him food, I cleaned his place, I go over almost anytime he asked, I take him out for food/drinks.  He tells me to jump and I ask how high. I felt like I was at his beck & call.  Like I said yesterday, I am tired of it.  I want those things reciprocated.  I want someone to cherish me just a little bit, or to realize how awesome I am and don't want other men to steal me away.  Why can't he do little stuff for me...ever?

I informed him that whatever this is, isn't enough for me.  He actually kind of agreed, but insisted we talk not text about it.  So we scheduled a time for a call.

When he called me at first it was all just fluff small talk.  Then I asked what we were doing.  He said he'd consider us dating, definitely not just sex or just a friend   And over the last week or two he will find my hair  at this place and think of me and realize he misses me, or if we went a day or two without talking he finds himself wondering what I am doing.  All really nice...things I want to hear.  So I ask him, what do YOU do when you are dating someone?  How often do YOU want to see someone you are dating?  And of course he gave me all the 'correct' answers.  He wants to see the person more often than not, he wants to spend a weekend running errands or doing 'normal' things together.  All things I have wanted.  Perfect answers.  So then I ask...so why then do you never want to see me when I ask?  All he had to say was he understands.  I tell him I feel very unfulfilled, and I am starting to question all of this.

So he invited me out on a date. Dinner.

My feelings are out there, again.  He can't come back and say he doesn't know or is shocked on the upcoming day I tell him I can't do it anymore.

The breakup #5

My frustration level hit a peak last week - I was out with my bookclub ladies really close to where ManFriend lives.  So I texted him that I was around the corner, maybe he wanted to get together for a little while - many months ago he said I needed to be more spontaneous and not plan everything.  What better way to be spontaneous than a half hour visit at the last minute, midweek?

But what do I get?  "not today, maybe tomorrow?"

I had plans the next night...nothing crazy, I just decided to go to a travel meetup.  I knew getting together with ManFriend would have been more fun, but I needed to do something like this anyway...who knows who I might have met there....a husband? A friend? a travel partner?

So, I lost it.

ManFriend - Or we could just hang out tomorrow?
Me - I have plans tomorrow, sorry
ManFriend - Damn!
Me - Well, if you made plans with me more than 15 hours I'd be more available, but I seem to have a lot of free time these days, and I am trying to fill it.
ManFriend - I had to try
Me - It is very frustrating that sometimes you say things like - stop over anytime or we can see each other for a few minutes mid week.  And when I try I am always rejected.  We only get together when you want to.  I don't know if I can work that way anymore.
ManFriend - I'm sorry you feel that way.  And it shouldn't always be that way.  Agreed.  It would have been wonderful to see you
Me - Well, now you know something else that bothers me
ManFriend - You made that very clear
Me - You seem annoyed I shared that
ManFriend - Not at all. I'm glad you said that
Me - I've been thinking about it for months
ManFriend - Then you should have said something sooner.  Can't change if I don't know about it.
Me - People don't really change.  I kept trying....kept thinking one days will be different.  And I've said it in fewer words.  I didn't want to be perceived as demanding or crazy or hard to please
ManFriend - You are none of those things.

And that was 5 days ago.  I didn't realize telling him I was frustrated was the end.  I mean, I know it is fine because this wasn't what I wanted...and I can't really believe he was surprised with my observation - I mean....doesn't he realize that I always go there? That I cook for him, that I take him out to dinner/drinks, that when he calls, I go over.   And doesn't he ever think...what do I do for that sweet gal?  Nothing.  Maybe he thinks having sex with him is my treat...but it isn't because I do all the work 95% of the time.  I was happy when I donated blood and he wanted to have sex...and I can't engage in physical activity that he was forced to get on top for a change.  Anyway, I am getting off topic.

One would think after you share something like that, if someone was interested in you, they would do something to show you they care.  This lack of communication and outreach further proves that his mentality is so different than mine.  We are completely different pages.

So, I wonder if he will reach out like nothing happened or will he continue to avoid me and be done with it.

attempt at simple cake decorating

I am always looking for new things to try, and lately I've been having a really hard time using the icing bag  - so I haven't made as many cakes or cupcakes as I would have liked.

I decided to sign up for a cake decorating class at a local cake store.  I wasn't sure who else would show up to such an event.  It turns out there was 6 of us: three high school girls, me, and two older ladies.

We didn't bake the cake, that was already done when we got there since this was a decorating class.  We learned techniques for the box, the cake board, and of course the icing and dyes.

One of the first things we learned is the crumb icing.  This was new to me, and what a great thing to know since it really helps the crumbs from getting into the icing.

After we applied a very thin layer of icing, we put the cake in the fridge for a little while to set.

We then learned how to make an icing bag using parchment paper...and I was shocked how easy it was.  To get a feel for the icing and bag, we learned how to make some designs.  Making the designs takes practice, and we didn't have a lot of time.  I had a hard time with the "shell" and a tight & small zigzag, but caught on to the flower and rope.

From there we iced the cake with the butter icing - a talent learned from more practice.  I had a hard time getting it even coated and nice and smooth looking.

Next we were able to use some of those decorating skills on the cake.  It was suggested to use decoration on the bottom of the cake/cake board so the cake looks more finished.

I really wasn't sure how to decorate my cake.  I practiced the flowers, the rope, dots and some writing.

The instructor suggested trying to use some UUU - I am drawing a blank what it is called, it is the purple droopy like thing on the cake.  She assured me that the cake wasn't supposed to look great, but used as practice, so while I wanted my cake to look somewhat decent, she made a good point, I was there to learn.  So I tired.

I wasn't thrilled with my loop UUU things, but at least it added a little color to the cake.

I was very pleased with my roping.

This weekend I hope to make a cake so I can continue to practice even more.

I am not looking to become the cake boss or anything, but I'd like to have the skill to at least pull of a decent looking homemade cake for when I have a small get together.

credit card debt no more

I finally did it...14 months later, I paid off my credit card debt.  I am super excited about this...and I hope that it stays off for a long long time.  But, I have a buying/spending problem.

Instead of not having a credit card - I travel for work & rent cars & don't have a ton of cash available and whatnot so that isn't too practical - I am considering opening a new card with rewards this time.  I can't believe in the last few years how much money I put on a credit card and how much I paid off, and what did I get from it aside from 17% interest rate?   I am now considering what kind of credit card to get. So I was wondering what you, my readers, have and what you like/don't like about the rewards card.

I'm a loser

You are going to think I am shallow after you finish reading this post...but whatever, they are my thoughts, my blog.

I occasionally try to do things out of my comfort zone - which normally involves doing something alone and/or talking to strangers.

I found a meetup where people were getting together to talk about travel and maybe finding someone you can travel with. I only signed up for the talk because they posted a trip that caught my eye...and I am in desperate need of a vacation.  I am tired of not taking a vacation or going away because I don't have anyone to go with...so I figured why not try this?

I get there, and I was the first one - not surprising.  So as people were coming in looking lost - I asked if they too were here for the meetup.  So I chatted with the first person to arrive, and he was interesting - a world traveler.  Little by little others drifted in; our organizer was no where to be found.

Then as we start doing our own introductions and getting the meeting together on our own, the music gets really loud.  I have a sensory issue where once I hear music, I do not hear people talking.  Add to that all the accents I had to decipher and I was quickly becoming miserable.

And here is where I am going to be really honest.  I was sitting there looking around at the 12 out of 33 people that showed up...and I started to wonder.  Is this what my life is coming to?  Are these the kinds of people I will have to become friendly with?   Don't get me wrong, most of them were super nice.  Some were extremely creepy, some looked 500% desperate.  But...I felt so out of place.  But why did I feel that way?  I mean, I am desperate, I am super nice...I am not creepy, I don't think.  But we were all there because we don't have people to travel with (ie- enough friends).  I just never would approach any of those people to be a friend, for a date, or to even talk to at work.  Sure, I am jumping to conclusions and judging people by their cover...but aside from the lack of friends, I don't know how much I would have in common with most of them....even if I was lucky enough to understand them when they spoke.  I wanted to think I was not discriminatory...I like a variety of people.  And even if I am not friendly with other people, doesn't mean I have a problem with them in general...you know all those stereotypes.   But reality is...I don't want to be friends with everyone.  On some level that must be wrong.  I feel guilty about it, but it isn't going to change the fact I don't want to take a trip with someone.

So I stayed for 90 minutes and left a bit depressed.

I really need to get away.  I really need new friends/a boyfriend/husband.  I really need to be more open to being 'friends' with people I never thought I would ever be friends with because...well, it turns out I am one of them loser-like people.

finally, morning nookie

Saturday afternoon I saw ManFriend when he dropped something off. I was guarded, I hate that we see each other it is on his terms all the time..but he kept telling me how much he desires me and how much I turn him on (and I wasn't wearing anything nice and had little makeup on).  We start kissing.  It got heated.  He invited me over to his place a few hours away...I wanted to go, but I didn't want to say yes right then.  And off he went to dinner with his family.

When he called to invite me over at the specified time he informed me to bring a bag because I would be spending the night.  I smiled.  I brought just a shirt, glasses, contact stuff and toothbrush. I knew I wouldn't need more because I knew I wouldn't stay late.

So, I go over there and we crack open a beer and rent a movie.  But 30 seconds into the movie we start kissing....10 minutes later we pause the movie to move into the other room.  I could tell he wanted me to tell him I loved him...but nope, I can't say that.

We restart the movie and an hour later he falls asleep so I convince him it was bedtime.  It took a while, but when I finally fell asleep, I slept so much better this time around.  At 7 am when we woke up we chatted a little bit and then he gets up to pee and then I do...and when I come back, he was dressed and in the kitchen.  I was disappointed; I blogged months ago about my need for nookie in the morning.  As I realize nothing was going to happen, not even a good morning kiss, I go into the bedroom to change so I can head out.  ManFriend walks in on me, and then in a turn of events...we ended up back in bed.  He had some difficulties, but finally managed.

I am a little concerned, sometimes it looks like he is in so much pain.  Maybe that explains why he doesn't have sex with me as much as I want him to.  But can I ask about that?  Sure, we've been 'together' long enough but I barely consider this a relationship.

Anyway, I left there happy.  No breakfast...but hey, things improved a tiny bit.   It started my Sunday off well, I was happy and thought about him most of the day.  When I cooked for the week, I made lots of extras for him (I've done this more times than I care to admit) to pick up later that night, and when he picked it up I didn't get a hug or kiss or anything...just a thanks.   it seemed more friend-like than couple like.

I just want to know, are we a couple? Are we not?

But does it even matter? This isn't what I want and I think that he has been a bachelor too long to do anything more and realize there is a problem.  

A migraine ruins concert

I was super excited for a concert I bought tickets to a few months ago.

But, once the concert started I began to feel overheated...I started to sweat, I had to sit down, I fanned myself and finally had to order some water.

Am I just getting old?  Or was it the onset of some sort of illness?

I probably seemed like really lame company because I wasn't up dancing.  I was swaying a little in my seat with my eyes closed and I knew 96% of the songs so I was singing softly along.  But I didn't want to be there..The noise, the lights, the extremely hot temperature.  It was too much for me, I couldn't wait to get home.  But I wanted to be there so badly, I looked forward to it for months.  I was so disappointed in my body.

When I got home my head was pounding and I was so nauseous and I made myself fall right to sleep.  It was a migraine...bad timing!

flattery makes me confused

I've always had a hard time accepting compliments, and I think it is because I don't think I do anything 'special', I feel like everyone should act similar to me, so what I do/say isn't amazing, it should be normal.

When I receive a compliment I usually give a small smile, blush, look away, get a little defensive, say something to them to get the spotlight off of me.

But I've also been trying to trust and open up and maybe love.  So I try to handle these words better...but honestly I am just not convinced.

ManFriend - I wish I was kissing you right now
Me - So, why aren't you
ManFriend - Because you are there and I am here
Me - It isn't too hard to be in the same spot at the same time
ManFriend - Good point.  If I ask you over is that presuming too much?
Me - ? more than usual?
ManFriend - The honor of your presence is requested
Me - I am not going over there tonight...but sometimes a girl like to hear they are desired, and to be asked over anyway.
ManFriend - I can appreciate that. Know I desire you very much
Me - That is a very nice compliment, thank you.
ManFriend -You are a great friend, a great lover, and an even better person.
Me - Are you drunk?
ManFriend - Not at all, just being honest.
Me - Still just a friend though huh?  Flattery still won't get me there tonight, sorry.

Ok, so that was part of our conversation the other night.  It started off fine and sweet...and I wanted to believe him.  But then I felt like he was just caking it on...a little too much.  Is it just me? Am I the only person that would be uncomfortable or think their person is drunk just to say that?  But I also know that as much as he claims to desire me....days will go by without seeing each other. so all that stuff he said, I don't believe because if he meant it...I wouldn't have been alone for the last 3 nights and all weekend.  I have zero doubt that he in fact desires me - but it isn't enough.

Men - STOP saying crap to women you don't mean.  Don't make us confused. Don't make us defensive.  Don't make us doubt and question everything.  Just shut up.  Don't say anything.