the straw that almost broke the camel's back

It is no secret that camels can carry a lot of weight, between 500 - 1,000 pounds.  But, like anything, they have a limit...and something so small, so minor can be what finally breaks his back.

Over the last year, I have been piling on some annoyances with ManFriend, but I kept letting it slide.  Relationships and friendships are about compromise, and this was a real test for me.  Although looking back, it wasn't a compromise as much as it was me being manipulated into doing what the other person wanted.

Let's take a look at some of the 'straws'

• me paying for 90% of our dates
• me buying him groceries, beer, and wine when he was out of work 
• me cooking for him and giving him leftovers from parties
• me always going to his place
• me accepting that he only needed to see me 0-2 times per week
• me adjusting to the way he likes sex
• me giving up on actual phone conversations
• me conceding from going out to staying in
• me waiting for an invitation to go over, but not getting one
• me being totally understanding that he was depressed when he lost his job, twice and wanting to make him happy, so I didn't pressure him to want to do something outside of his apartment
• me buying tickets to baseball games for us to do together, but when his friend couldn't make it to a football game, where they have season tickets, he didn't go because "he had no one to go with"
• him not wanting to do 'fun' things...he said no to zip lining  fire walking, hiking, movies, a trip to Iceland, a weekend away, tagging along on some of my work trips (Ashville, NYC, Montreal, Chicago)
• him not doing anything small and little for me.  A thank you card, a flower (not even a bouquet...a simple picked flower from someone's garden would have been ok), a gift, a groupon/coupon to a place I like, etc...would have been very much appreciated
• him not making me breakfast or going out for breakfast after I stay over
• him being old and tired all the time that he can't see me as much as he claims he wants to
• him telling me he loves me and wants to be part of a couple, but not doing anything to actually show/prove that to me (actions vs words)
• not meeting friends or family
• him being two months late on his rent...but just bought a car and is thinking of buying an apartment instead of renting
• me arranging for a free tow and discounted repair of his car...and then he CANCELS it because his friend or family member pulled through. 
• knowing that I make very little money compared to him (when he works).  When I met him, he was making 3 times what I made.  And him living a very frugal life, I am not sure why he didn't have a nicer savings account...or did he but he didn't want to touch it, but he was OK with me spending money on him?  I know it shouldn't be a tit for tat thing, but I am pretty sure he knows I make so little money and struggle financially - and he knows that was why I temporarily gave up my apartment.  But it seemed to become 'normal' or 'expected' of me to do that for him.  Please realize, I wouldn't mind doing it, if I didn't feel so used.   Just appreciate it, tell me that. Is that too much to ask?

and finally, that sports take a huge priority over the person you claim to love.  If I was in a relationship, I would invite my lady over and watch the game(s).  I would not spend the whole night on my couch texting her...making her livid that I am not even out and can't see her.  It's not like I don't get it. Playoffs are important, and I would actually watch the game - not distract him.  But even if I did - for a little while - who cares? It isn't like he is playing, he isn't taking a test on it.  

On top of that, there is the whole - well, if you aren't going to see me then I am going to go out with another man who actually wants to spend time with me.  But he flipped out. I should have went out, I know that.  Because we are clearly in two very different kinds of relationships.  And if this is his version of a relationship....then no wonder why he is still single.  

But, I convinced ManFriend to TALK to me.  About his feelings, about what we are in, about fixing it or ending it, about holding a grudge, and even about disappointments.  We talked surprisingly like adults.  We each took our turn and listened and explained how we felt.  I understand why he has been a complete dick these last three weeks, and while I don't agree, I can at least see his side.  But I have to say, after 50 minutes, I felt a little better.  Still haven't slept well, replaying our conversation in my head and thinking of things I left out...but at least I didn't fall asleep crying.

It seems for now that someone took some straw off me..and the final straw has yet to come...I can keep going just a bit more...and hope things turn around.  If they don't...well, I know when it ends, I did all I could.  And if it does not end soon, well, hopefully I can enjoy it and learn how to love someone else and put my heart out there again.  Whatever happens, I will accept it, learn from it, and make the most out of it.