my heart in pieces

I reread some of my blog posts yesterday and came across the one where I was talking about living with less than contentment.  I wrote that when I was happy with the type of relationship I had with ManFriend and about the kind of relationship I had with SI when it was good.  Those are things I need going forward and I keep telling myself I refuse to settle for anything less because I know how amazing love can be.

I had to have  a serious chat with myself last night.  Even though I've had similar chats with myself for the last 6 weeks, this chat, I hope, sunk in.  I am miserable.  I am afraid I am getting depressed.  And why?  All because of the way ManFriend has been acting and treating me in the last 6 weeks.

I don't know if I can handle having my heart broken in any more pieces.  I deserve better, I know that - even he knows that.

I didn't agree to trying to be part of a couple with him to spend every weekend night alone, and all weekday nights alone; only seeing him for an hour over the weekend.  I didn't think our relationship would have make a 180 in less than a week after it became 'official', and it didn't fix itself but kept lingering.  That is not love, it isn't even lust or like.

 I can't do it anymore. I did't cry last night, I don't know if I have any tears or energy left in me to waste on ManFriend.

Of course it is hard, I keep remembering the really fun and great parts of the last 14 months.  There were some happy times in there.  Most of all, I am going to miss kissing him.  We kiss so well together. It was my addiction.

I know we had that amazing conversation on Wednesday night.  Maybe he should be a sales person, because I definitely bought into everything he told me.  And I wanted to believe it.  I did my part, I worked on what his problems with me were. I went out of my way to show him I wanted to make it work.  He carried on with the way he is - not giving me what I need in a relationship.  I am not satisfied - emotionally or sexually.

I cannot go back to a casual sexual relationship with him, that would be too hard, and I know that because that is what the last 6 weeks has felt like...and I hate it.

Do I try to have breakup #5 conversation, or do I just let it fade? He is quite unavailable this week, and I am out of town next week, so really in 3 weeks it won't even be an issue.

if everyone communicated

I was going to write tonight about that final straw that broke my back.  I discovered ManFriend went to a concert last night...I don't even care who he went with...but what pissed me off was that he keeps telling me he is too tired to see me midweek, but yet, he can go to a concert?

Like any irrational woman, I snapped.  That set off a series (about 5-6) text messages about his seemingly lack of desire to hang out with me and money.  I told myself that was the last straw. I was done.

He wanted to call after work to share some thoughts.  I figured I needed a drink if he was going to call me immature or psychotic.

But instead, we do what we do really well.  We TALKED.  Again. I know, we shouldn't have to have so many serious conversations   I mean, I sat in my cold car for an hour at the train station so I can talk to him about this.  

Is he manipulating and using me? Or have we just completely miscommunicated?

I really don't know.  But as we are talking, taking turns, I find myself smiling, and agreeing with him, and he said that I infuriated him so much today but he couldn't think of anything but kissing me.

I told him two of my biggest concerns are the new lack of time we spend together and that he has not once showed me in a small way that he cares about me.  He assured me he was not happy about our lack of time together - how backwards it has become, but he explained to me WHY it is especially hard for him.  I mean, I understand where he is coming from...but I feel like it isn't enough.  He didn't want to get caddy and think of 2 nice things he's done for me, but told me he was working on a surprise - who really knows if he just said that or if he meant it.

He voiced his two biggest concerns - my hard time separating our two 'relationships' and the way I jump to conclusions and flip out.  I attempted to explain the first one, but I am not sure if we will ever see eye to eye. As for the second, I vowed to not say anything immediately after I have an urge to flip out - but to think about it and say it out loud to him.  I will try.

So, we have a 'date' set soon...and we'll see how it goes.  It might not last, but it might go longer.  There has to be a reason we haven't given in to ending it - but what is the reason?  Am I right with all my signs that this is all some sort of fabrication?  Is it complete lust?  Is it love?  Is it convenient?  I have no idea.

I think if everyone had the ability to communicate as well as we do (when we have these chats - I understand we need to work on the constant communication piece) there would be a lot less break-ups and divorces.

Boring as a reason to breakup?

Do you remember the credit card commercial that played a few months ago.  It was about this guy who was dumped by his girlfriend because he was 'so boring'.

Well, that guy took what she said to heart and used his credit card for all these amazing adventures.  I was happy for him.  I felt like I was able to relate. In my past relationship, I wondered if SI thought I was boring - which is why he had to have a mistress.  Maybe I was a little boring, but I had potential, I wanted to have fun, I wanted to do things, I tried to get him involved but it never worked out.  In the last few years, I've tried to do some really cool things.  So I understood why the credit card guy wanted to live it up.

But on the other side...was it the girlfriend's fault? I mean, did she even try to do fun things with credit card man?  If he had all that fun afterwards, I am confident he would have done them with her as well.  So that part of the commercial really pissed me off...which is why I was overly happy for the man.

But, now with ManFriend, he IS boring.  I keep trying.  I suggest things, I have my bucket list ideas, I want to go away, I want to have 'fun' dates once in a while.  How long am I allowed to try before I give up?  Can I steal the commercial line when I break up with him?  "ManFriend, sorry, this isn't working out, you are so handsome but you are just too BORING for me.  BORING.  BORING.  BORING".

Not sure if I can really say that to someone.

Enter future husband to have these amazing adventures I want to share with someone.

Burger comparision

I am a little on the slow side to try those "popular" food places.

Let's start with Five Guys Burgers.  One opened around me a few years ago. I just tried it on Friday.  I loved their small simple menu, but I did have to ask what a 'small burger' was compared to the regular burger (one patty not two).  While I was at it, I figured I'd try some fries so I ordered a regular size Cajun fries ($3.29).  When my food was ready I grabbed some napkins and headed to my car.  It smelled delicious.  I was going to wait till I got home, but I couldn't.  I started with a fry...I could not believe the quantity of fries in my bag. I thought, wow, if this was 'regular' I can't imagine how many are in a 'large'. I could have went with an extra small (not sure if they come smaller than regular, wasn't listed on the menu).  The fries had a great taste and a nice kick.  I couldn't wait to taste the burger.  I got mine with cheese, jalapenos  ketchup and fried onions ($5.09) - I have to say I really liked it.  It was cooked perfect for me, the bun was soft, the burger was flavorful.  It was a really good fast food burger.  Yes, fast food...the patty was thin - reminded me of McDonald's, college food, or a burger at a free BBQ.  It seemed fresh, I enjoyed it way more than McDonald's where it is all smooshed together.  I wondered how delicious and filling the 'regular' burger would have been.  I had a lot of left over fries, but in the end, I liked Five Guys for a quick bite.

photo from their website

Within the week, I also ended up at Red Robin.  When I heard that, I thought it was a fast food place, but it turned out to be a sit down place.  When we walked in, it smelled like grease, but in a good smelling way; it made my belly rumble.  We had to order the tower of onion rings....so delicious, I had about 3-4.   Deciding what to eat was so hard, burger? salad? chicken?  I wanted to eat healthy, but the place is known for their burgers so I had to decide between the many tasty sounding ones.  Since I am on a jalapeno kick, I ordered the Burnin Love burger - a cayenne seasons burger with pepper-jack cheese, fried jalapenos  lettuce, tomato (I took off the tomato), and chipolte aioli on jalapeno cornmeal roll .  I enjoyed the burger - it had a little kick to it.  I gave my sister a taste and she practically spit it out she thought it was hot...but I didn't. I guess I am used to spice.  She liked it and was determined to eat the rest of the bit I gave to her, even if it took her 12 hours.  So the onion rings were delicious  and the burger was good, but the unlimited fries were tasteless. I even added some of the red robin dry seasoning on them, but it didn't really stick.  My sister ordered the fried chicken sandwich, which was also tasty - it was soft but crispy, a nice combo.  If I were to go back, I would try a different burger - not because this was bad - but because many other burgers sounded really good too.

my photo

My bill at Five Guys was about $9, my burger/fries at Red Robin was about $11.  Being at the same price point, which did I like better?  Hard choice. The fries at Five Guys were way better and the burger small but good.  Red Robin's fries were bland but the burger was filling.  I still ate dinner hours after I had the Five Guys burger (at noon), but I did not eat again after I had the Red Robin burger (at 4pm).  I am not sure I can make a definitive choice.  One is sit down and offers a large variety of burgers, the other is fast food/take out and has a basic build your own burger.

Red wine & cheese experiment

A few weeks ago I posted a question on Facebook - how can I prevent red lips when drinking wine?    I have a few clever suggestions, and when I got home I did research...so I figured, why not test some of these theories out?

Eating a hard cheese before and during drinking the wine was the first one I tested out.  I had the house to myself, I was in a decent mood, it was early, and ManFriend was due over in hours...why not be a little tipsy before he gets here?

I crack a bottle of wine and pour a glass.  I let it air when I cut up some cheese and I grab some grapes and pita chips just for fun.

supplies

I nipple on a few pieces of cheese, and three grapes.  I start to wonder...how am I supposed to eat the cheese?  I figured I would bite into it with my front teeth, maybe the teeth need to be coated with cheese?  But that only works once, the rest of the time my back teeth are chewing.  I drink my wine while belting out songs on my playlist.  In just minutes I realize my glass is empty.  I realize I didn't do a before picture.  woops.

after drink 1

I don't have a professional camera or spotlights so it is really hard to see anything from the photos I've included here.  I studied my teeth and lips.  I noticed the lips and teeth both had a very light purple tint.  Not bad, noticeable definitely to me - not sure if it would be noticeable to others if in a restaurant or bar.  I started doubting if cheese would work to eliminate the purple.

I continued on, for the sake of the experiment.

I poured the second glass.  Since I noticed the light tint, I wondered if I had to have more cheese - mid drinking, so I had a few more small pieces of cheese and two small pita chips.  A few minutes later, the second glass was empty.

after the second glass

I grabbed my phone and sprinted to the bathroom mirror.  Did it work?   I was shocked, but YES, the purple tint was barely visible.

I started to take notes, so I would remember all this, but then decided it would be easier to blog as I go.  With that, a little extra time passed before I really got into the third glass of wine...and talking to ManFriend it seems like he might have the stomach bug so I won't be seeing him again...nice excuse for me to finish the bottle of wine by myself.

Typing, singing, drinking, texting ManFriend AND eating cheese is proving difficult.  I am not keeping up with the cheese...but then again, do I really want to eat so much cheese anyway? I mean, I LOVE cheese, but let's be realistic.  If I was out and about drinking wine, I would nibble on a few pieces of cheese I wouldn't eat a whole block.

If anything this will be like...during a cocktail hour and I am having wine, put a few pieces of cheese on my plate, maybe eat one after every glass kind of thing.

So I take a time out from texting and eating cheese to focus on finishing my third glass.

after drink 3

Yikes, I think I need some food, not just cheese. I am only 40 minutes in, but I realize I haven't eaten in hours.

Glass #3 is empty.  I again study my teeth and lips.  My teeth look similar to after the first glass, but my lips are more tinted purple.  I am starting to think this cheese theory might just help...maybe if I couple it with the lipgloss theory for my lips.

I need a break, so I drank some regular tap water.  But I am starting to doubt how much I want to drink alone.  Having someone else indulge with me would have been better and I would have lasted longer...but it is no fun to be drunk alone :(

Overall, I think after three glasses of wine, my lips aren't as purple as they were on NYE or when I've been wine tasting.   I am OK with the results so far.  I will post an update another time after I've had another glass or two.

2013 baby names proves disappointing

Have you seen Parenting's top baby names for this year?

Top 10 Searched Baby Girl Names:

1. Isabella 
2. Millie 
3. Sookie 
4. Ann 
5. Ella 
6. Betty 
7. Ellie 
8. Emma 
9. Eithne 
10. Charlotte

Top 10 Searched Baby Boy Names:

1. Jacob 
2. Max 
3. Liam 
4. Ted 
5. Mo 
6. Aiden 
7. Andy 
8. Bertie 
9. Ned 
10. Gus

Is it just me or does this list suck?  Sookie?  Eithne?  Mo? Ned? Where was this poll taken?

Did you notice what else most of these names have in common?  They are short. They are simple. They are mostly nicknames.  Have we, as a society, really taken such a short cut?  I mean, children don't learn or use script (I know this because I proctor exams...and that certification statement that is all of one sentence can take up to 15 minutes for the kids to write!).  We are becoming simple, we are loosing class.  Are we setting our kids up for failure already? Or are the parents just too lazy?

I don't mind the nicknames for the 'old fashioned' names - I love old some 'old fashioned' names...but the full name should be on the list - what is wrong with a full name?  It is like we are rebelling against society...I refuse to have a name the teacher is going to butcher, so I'll pick a simple three letter name, when I have a large family it is easy to sign holiday cards if all the names are short,  or even when I yell for the kid I won't loose my breath with all the syllables.

the straw that almost broke the camel's back

It is no secret that camels can carry a lot of weight, between 500 - 1,000 pounds.  But, like anything, they have a limit...and something so small, so minor can be what finally breaks his back.

Over the last year, I have been piling on some annoyances with ManFriend, but I kept letting it slide.  Relationships and friendships are about compromise, and this was a real test for me.  Although looking back, it wasn't a compromise as much as it was me being manipulated into doing what the other person wanted.

Let's take a look at some of the 'straws'

• me paying for 90% of our dates
• me buying him groceries, beer, and wine when he was out of work 
• me cooking for him and giving him leftovers from parties
• me always going to his place
• me accepting that he only needed to see me 0-2 times per week
• me adjusting to the way he likes sex
• me giving up on actual phone conversations
• me conceding from going out to staying in
• me waiting for an invitation to go over, but not getting one
• me being totally understanding that he was depressed when he lost his job, twice and wanting to make him happy, so I didn't pressure him to want to do something outside of his apartment
• me buying tickets to baseball games for us to do together, but when his friend couldn't make it to a football game, where they have season tickets, he didn't go because "he had no one to go with"
• him not wanting to do 'fun' things...he said no to zip lining  fire walking, hiking, movies, a trip to Iceland, a weekend away, tagging along on some of my work trips (Ashville, NYC, Montreal, Chicago)
• him not doing anything small and little for me.  A thank you card, a flower (not even a bouquet...a simple picked flower from someone's garden would have been ok), a gift, a groupon/coupon to a place I like, etc...would have been very much appreciated
• him not making me breakfast or going out for breakfast after I stay over
• him being old and tired all the time that he can't see me as much as he claims he wants to
• him telling me he loves me and wants to be part of a couple, but not doing anything to actually show/prove that to me (actions vs words)
• not meeting friends or family
• him being two months late on his rent...but just bought a car and is thinking of buying an apartment instead of renting
• me arranging for a free tow and discounted repair of his car...and then he CANCELS it because his friend or family member pulled through. 
• knowing that I make very little money compared to him (when he works).  When I met him, he was making 3 times what I made.  And him living a very frugal life, I am not sure why he didn't have a nicer savings account...or did he but he didn't want to touch it, but he was OK with me spending money on him?  I know it shouldn't be a tit for tat thing, but I am pretty sure he knows I make so little money and struggle financially - and he knows that was why I temporarily gave up my apartment.  But it seemed to become 'normal' or 'expected' of me to do that for him.  Please realize, I wouldn't mind doing it, if I didn't feel so used.   Just appreciate it, tell me that. Is that too much to ask?

and finally, that sports take a huge priority over the person you claim to love.  If I was in a relationship, I would invite my lady over and watch the game(s).  I would not spend the whole night on my couch texting her...making her livid that I am not even out and can't see her.  It's not like I don't get it. Playoffs are important, and I would actually watch the game - not distract him.  But even if I did - for a little while - who cares? It isn't like he is playing, he isn't taking a test on it.  

On top of that, there is the whole - well, if you aren't going to see me then I am going to go out with another man who actually wants to spend time with me.  But he flipped out. I should have went out, I know that.  Because we are clearly in two very different kinds of relationships.  And if this is his version of a relationship....then no wonder why he is still single.  

But, I convinced ManFriend to TALK to me.  About his feelings, about what we are in, about fixing it or ending it, about holding a grudge, and even about disappointments.  We talked surprisingly like adults.  We each took our turn and listened and explained how we felt.  I understand why he has been a complete dick these last three weeks, and while I don't agree, I can at least see his side.  But I have to say, after 50 minutes, I felt a little better.  Still haven't slept well, replaying our conversation in my head and thinking of things I left out...but at least I didn't fall asleep crying.

It seems for now that someone took some straw off me..and the final straw has yet to come...I can keep going just a bit more...and hope things turn around.  If they don't...well, I know when it ends, I did all I could.  And if it does not end soon, well, hopefully I can enjoy it and learn how to love someone else and put my heart out there again.  Whatever happens, I will accept it, learn from it, and make the most out of it.  

stand still

I've been posting a lot so far this month...that can only mean one thing, I have a lot more free time and/or I am sad - not quite a good thing for me.

You know sadness might seep in when one of the kids you babysat got engaged and is buying a house.  One of the other girls is married with two kids.  Friends & family are all moving on with their lives too.  Married, kids, divorced, remarried, new families, you name it - everyone got it.

Why is mine still at a standstill?

It is unbelievably frustrating.

I can only keep hoping that out of the blue something amazing will happen to me. It is the only thing that keeps me going.  But this little engine is running out of steam - I am not as happy as I was a few months ago. I am wasting my days again. I come home from work and do nothing.  The weekends I am spending mostly alone.  I don't know what to do with myself, I am losing motivation to get involved in projects.  Cleaning and chores aren't appealing.  I don't like too much TV, but find I am watching reruns of shows I've seen a few times because there is nothing else.

Sure, I can leave the house...but I don't want to spend money.  I think I might start walking trails again, I enjoyed that.

But that isn't going to be enough.

I guess the most obvious solution is to get rid of what is causing me so much stress right now, and that is ManFriend.  Although, I would think fate would allow my fh to make his appearance even if ManFriend and I were still in this non-relationship.  Second would be to make more money.  Realistically that won't happen til October....and who knows how much that would be at that be - probably not enough.  Third, I guess would be to change my living situation (although I worry about moving & living alone and not knowing anyone in my new town...and being just as depressed there as I am here), fourth would be to loose a little weight and maybe have the motivation to keep it off and not eating so much when I am sad/depressed/confused, and fifth would be to take a vacation.

a try at hunting

Deer season is over, but I still wanted to try hunting.  My cousin, the great sport he is, arranged for me to join him hunting for squirrel, rabbit, or fox.

I left the house while it was still complete darkness at 6:00am.  Upon arrival at my cousin's at 7, it was lighter but very foggy.  He had all his gear packed in his car, and we took a quick 15 minute drive to the woods where he normally goes hunting.  He gave me a camouflage hat, gloves and fleece, and I was wearing jeans and winter boots.  I was told if we were hunting deer - I would be glowing wearing the jeans since they see in the violet end of the spectrum...but thank goodness I have no idea what squirrel sees...and since I walk past so many everyday, I can't imagine my jeans bothered them.

It was a slow and quiet morning.  There was very little movement in the woods.  I was given a brief lesson on the rifle, loading it, and looking through the viewfinder thing.  I also had a quick lesson on tracking, the different kinds of poop we saw, and different noises.

I was excited. I was ready.  We finally saw a squirrel.  I pick up my rifle and looked through the view thing...and lost the squirrel.  Cousin found it a little later, it went up a tree.  He told me to shoot at it, but I was nervous to shoot up into the air, if I missed, by bullet would have went a mile...and who knew where that mile would be...the road? a back yard? so I didn't want to risk it.  Cousin, with a lot more experience and a different kind of gun, got into place, aimed, and the squirrel fell out of the tree.  I was so happy I was jumping up and down and high-fived cousin!

We waited a few minutes before we went over to collect it, to give it a moment to die in peace.

Cousin let me hold the squirrel at times during the rest of our morning.  We were hoping to catch about 10 or so...but as I said, it was a very quiet morning.  I see more squirrels walking to my car in the driveway each morning than I did in the woods.  We saw all of three squirrels, and the others were too far away to shoot.

At the end of the adventure, I was happy I didn't kill anything, because I watched my cousin skin and gut the squirrel.  I had a bit of an anatomy lesson and gained a new respect for hunters.  It has been about 15 years since I dissected anything...and this was a good reminder.

I had a really good time, and I told cousin I would definitely go with him again if he ever wanted company...even if it is just to watch, because next time, if I make a kill...I have to gut it :(

On our way out of the woods, we saw a bald eagle.  all in all, a great experience.

I gave up a date for this?

On Monday I asked ManFriend if we could hang out on Saturday.  A whole 5 days away.   I wanted a date...a little making up and getting back & happy again.

But what I should have realized, is that nothing really goes how we want it to.  I should know this already.  Other people are lucky, they get everything they want.  I want things too, I dream about it, I wish for it, I talk to myself sometimes trying to convince the higher power that I deserve it...but I am still waiting.

On  Thursday that pre-date man texted me a hello and asking if I was around this weekend.  Indeed, I was.  He asked if we could get together.  In the mean time, I asked ManFriend if we were getting together on Saturday...and he said "you do realize it is a football day".  No, actually, I didn't know that. I thought NFL football was Sundays and Mondays...but since they are in the playoffs, Saturday was a big football night.  So, I wrote "OK, that is fine, I just wanted to make sure before I agree to a date".  and then "and you do realize that if you asked me to watch a game, I would. I would eat wings and bar food, drink a lot of beer and even paint my face.  I want to make sure I understand.  Midweek you are tired and weekends are naps and football, so that leaves never to hang out?".   He then texted "who said I am not going to (ask me to the bar).  You jump to conclusions and made other 'date' plans".

After an hour of the predate man asking about getting together, I wrote back "sure". I mean, I was upset.  And I know all of you are wondering why I even try.

But I couldn't go through with it. I ended up telling the predate man that I couldn't commit to a day/time. I am not ready. I still like ManFriend.

On Friday predate man messaged me again, as did ManFriend.  ManFriend seemed flirty, but he still didn't say anything about Saturday.

So, here Saturday is.  it is still early, but I know that ManFriend won't text me regarding later (we spoke earlier about nonsense) unless I message him.  And since I blew off predate man, I am home alone on a Saturday.

And I wonder why I get into these depression moods.

Why do I always fall for men that are selfish and do whatever the hell they want...tease me, play with my feelings, pretend they care about me when they clearly don't.  I got enough of that shit from SI...I don't need it from ManFriend too.

update. ManFriend and I texted for hours.  And even though he was home, he did not ask me to go over. Even with me throwing myself at him.  Predate man asked if I was going out, but I told him I shouldn't.  He ended up asking if it was him, but I reassured him it was not, but simply that I was not sure if I was in a relationship or not, as insane as that sounds.  So, off to bed at 10pm. Lucky me.

Jumping to conclusions

Do I jump to conclusions?  Yes, of course I do.  Doesn't everyone?

I am a very logical person...I go through what people tell me, I read between the lines since that part is usually left out.  It is like getting the beginning and the end, but no middle...and it is my job to figure out the middle.

I like to think this isn't too hard for me.  Sure, sometimes there are many challenging middles, but after spending so much time thinking about it and over analyzing and coming up with different scenarios, I usually like to pick the worst one and go with it. It makes things more interesting- and who doesn't love interesting?

The real question isn't if my worst-case scenarios are wrong...but WHY I have to jump to conclusions anyway.  Is it really so hard to give the FULL story?

Here are some examples, let's see if you jump to the same conclusions I did

• 2 wine glasses in a sink
• not committing to an encounter 5 hours later
• trying new restaurants
• wanting to commit, but not having time mid week and sports are on all weekend

My past has given me a lot of reasons to see the worst in people.  I see warning signs others might overlook.  I was stupid and naive once before, I don't want to be stupid and naive again.  This is proving to be one of my biggest faults and it is causing more drama in my non-relationship than I want. 

Jumping to conclusions is exhausting.  There are reasons people don't tell you the full story.  And the other person might get mad and defensive...but I have to wonder, am I really wrong? doubtful.  

Cat on a Hot Tin Roof

If you want to know why I get annoyed sometimes at my mother....it is because she was just like Maggie in Cat on a Hot Tin Roof.

Maggie, who was played by Scarlett Johansson, practically gave a 60 minute monologue in the first act of the play.  It wasn't really a monologue since her husband spoke a few words...but it was close.  That is how much I think my mother talks.  I am not like that, at all.

So as I am getting so annoyed with the play because there is only so much tolerance I can handle when it comes to talking and whining  the curtain comes down and I think, oh wow, this is going to be a short play. Alas, I was wrong.  It was three acts with two intermissions - one of the longest plays I've ever seen...and it felt every second of it.

The second act I practically fell asleep because this was my view

yes, that is right....the 6 1/2 foot guy sat in front of me.   Now, I can't complain because my brother-in-law is super tall...and I know he feels bad about this sometimes...but this guy and his cross dressed boyfriend also had a strong stench of cologne.  I tilted my  head for a while, but you know how that is...it starts to hurt and get stiff.  Closing my eyes seemed the better choice, it wasn't like I was missing any fun stage action - they just walked around a bed for 2 1/2 hours.

So, I closed my eyes and listened....or fell asleep.

Scarlett was good, but what a super slow play.  The set didn't change.  There was so much 'arguing'.  It just wasn't for me.

The best thing about it was that I sat next to Jason Antoon, who I recognized right away.  But was surprised he was sitting so far away from the stage.

Dinner at Bond45 before the show was good.  They have a fabulous mozzarella.

after the #4breakup

I am sure all you ManFriend followers are curious what happened after Breakup#4.

Things were still weird between us...and texting and emails are already not a good thing for us because we take everything the wrong way.  We chatted on the phone briefly Sunday morning and made tentative plans for later that night, but not before he got annoyed and I shed a few tears.

When I arrived at his place, I tried to pretend everything was still great.  A big hello.  Then we started making out on the couch like teenagers...my favorite thing to do with him.  Although he insisted on some sort of role playing - which I think was his way of not getting all mushy on me, or to pretend I was someone else.  After we copulated, I didn't run out like I usually do, but we sat super close on the couch and watched a TV show.  I didn't want to leave, but I was exhausted, and I knew ManFriend reached his limit with my company.

So, I guess we are back where we were before the big 'I love you'.   Casual Sex but with feelings?  And some flitrty texts.

a unexpected pre-date?

Last week with ManFriend was very stressful.  I wasn't sleeping and opportunities kept coming up that encouraged me to over drink.

On Saturday I messaged one of the local people I knew if he & his people were out because I needed more alcohol and needed to smile and laugh and forget about the stress ManFriend was causing me.  I don't have friends, and well, I didn't want to be alone at a bar.  I had that family holiday party and was exhausted, but I decided to go out at 11 since it was around the corner.

I get there and really it is just me and that guy talking...he told me a few times that he found me attractive and wanted to take me out to dinner, or accompany me on a hike or a few other options.  I found myself smiling and laughing - at times it was genuine and other times it was slightly uncomfortable.  I started to wonder if I was on a pre-date.

I was not prepared for a pre-date. I mean, all I think about is ManFriend.  I am completely attracted to him and I love being with him physically....but it isn't enough.  This other gentleman was offering the other stuff I am lacking and it started to sound appealing.

As I started my second drink, I was considering my options...I mean, I don't think I am part of a couple anymore, so I am free to date.  And sure, I know I am ready...but I am still hesitant to do anything with this particular gentleman.

But I also feel a little guilty.  Did I accidentally lead him on?

Towards the end of the night he asked me when I was going to call him - and I said I had a few things I needed to sort out so definitely not before next week.  It wasn't really a real answer, but it bought me time.

Resolution Roulette

This year for a family holiday party with my favorite family ever, I decided we were going to try a resolution roulette.

Essentially everyone wrote challenges down on paper - nothing too hard, we wanted this to be fun.  People started to bitch about having to do something they didn't want or worry they were going to get something horrible, or not think of a challenge to put in the box (good thing I wrote down 12!)  We folded up the papers, threw them in a box, and  a few hours later when we served dessert we started picking out of the box.  Adults selected one, the kids selected one, then the adults picked a second one.

Here are the items that were listed:

• Take something negative out of your life.
•  Do 35 push-ups
• Watch 5 AFI movies that you have not yet seen.  Let us know what you watched and if you think it deserves to be on the best 100 list. (Denise will send list)
• Clean someone else’s car 2 times this year
•  Do the Macarena in public & post video to Facebook
• Try a new food every month.  Document the new foods and let us know what you tried and if you liked it.
• To be in shape
• Do 40 hours of volunteer work
•  Play in the snow, jump in puddles, walk in the rain, and jump in leaves.  Take pictures or post videos
• Write 6 letters to congress (every other month).  Must be a different topic each time.  Let us know what topics you took a stand for.
• Memorize a poem and recite it at your next party
• Learn a new talent and demonstrate it to everyone at the next holiday party.
• Perform 13 acts of random kindness.  Write down what you do to share with us.
• Choreograph a dance and perform it on your birthday in front of family.  Post video on Facebook
•  Perform 2 pay it forwards.  Let us know what you did
• Cook one new dish each month.  Let us know what you made, if it was good, etc.
•  Reorganize clothes closet by color and donate clothes to charity.
•  Play a prank on someone once a month.  Tell us what you did.
• Go on 3 dates this year
•  Do something nice once a day
• Get a pedicure
•  Learn to count to 10 in 5 languages.  Count for us at the next holiday party.
•  Hike a mountain.  Take a picture from the summit.
•  Have lunch with Nancy
• Get rid of 1 thing a week for a year
•  Learn how to do the butterfly stroke
• Read one book a month.  Share with us the author and title.
• To eat healthy
• Grow a garden with minimum of 5 items
• Sleep in to 9:30 at least once every third month
• Root for a team you despise for a whole game season:  The New England Patriots
• Go hiking once a  month
• Buy an indoor plant and keep it alive all year long
• Go to the movies at least once a month
• Create a vision board
• Have a monthly night (between the two families)
• Do 12 hours of charitable work
• Do a good deed for a stranger
• Try a different food
• Try 5 new foods this year
• Do not shave for 3 months
• Keep my car clean

Once people started picking we had a lot of laughs.  Everyone seemed to really like this idea, and afterwards came up with so many more challenge ideas.  There will be penalties for those that do not meet their challenge by our next winter holiday party and during the year we'll talk about this as people start completing their challenges.

pro-suicide

I am pro suicide.

If someone wants to end their life, I don't see why they shouldn't be able to, I mean, they didn't ask to come into the world.

For the most part, with people I know, while I am mostly shocked with their actions, I feel bad I didn't know they were having so many problems.  I like to fix people, and I feel like I should reach out more...but many times unless there is some sort of cry for help, they could put up a good front and it is shocking.  That is for another post.

My issue with suicide, while it is in the hands of the depressed person - is that it is fine if they are only sacrificing themselves.  However, it is 100% inappropriate to bring others down with you because you are too much of a chicken shit to go alone.  It is YOUR problem, don't make it everyone else's for fame or glory or because you are scared.  It is not ok to kill and hurt so many other people in your suicide journey. It is not ok to take hostages, it is not ok to threaten others, it is not ok to cause such a ruckus that SWAT teams are called in to kill you.  

Please, you don't like it here...don't make us all sad and miserable.  Please, just go silently.  Don't make too much of a mess, don't cause a scene, just go.

The breakup #4

Well, dear readers, I think I made it to the end of ManFriend & my relationship...a whole what 4 or 7 days? I am not sure how you count it or when it really ended...or honestly if it even started to begin with.

It has been a really interesting year.  I am so very happy I met him because he really did help me since my living situation changed...and  it was a nice distraction.

After New Years, I really wanted to talk to him, in person.  But he never found the time - so after several drinks and a an emotional week, I resorted to an email.  I knew as I was typing it that I shouldn't send it, maybe I just needed to vent.  But after I was done with it, I was OK with what I wrote and honestly, do I care anymore?  A few friends are questioning why I even like him...and what I am getting out of it.  So I sent it.

2 1/2 minutes later he called.

I guess that is how you get results...tell him in an email all the reason why you love him and then tell him it is over, and I have a few expectations regarding how to close up the rest of the other relationship.

We chatted for a while, but aside from him saying he is going to forget about my email, I don't know what was resolved.  He did say he feels like a schmuck and embarrassed from NYE...but I've wanted to move past that since that day and I am not sure why he still feels embarrassed about it? Why can't he just create a new NYE.  A little drinking, a little flirting, a bigger kiss, staying in the same bed, and making me breakfast in the morning.  But he also blames me for being immature and not talking to him about this in person - even though I told him I kept trying...how much rejection can one person take?  He also said he doesn't think I've tried to show how I feel at all during the last few months...but I had to remind him that we weren't allowed to have feelings then, so now that I am ... I need to talk to him about it so it isn't confusing.

I am starting to wonder if he is using me.  I don't just mean the sex thing...but there are a LOT of other things about our 'relationship' that I haven't shared on here yet...but is basically me doing a lot of nice things for him, and getting nothing in return. I know I am getting screwed in the end.

So, what I thought was the end, turns out it was just my 4th attempt to end it with him...and our story continues.

The ManFriend story is to be continued.

Karma Chameleon

When you read so much about someone but don't know them (like me) I am sure you wonder what my voice sounds like.   It is hard to give you the full effect, unless I posted a video of me talking, which I am not going to do, so I thought I would give an example.

Over my years, I've had mixed thoughts on my voice, some men thought it was high pitched, others low, others thought I could be a good phone sex operator, and a few times  I had a raspy voice from a sore throat/laryngitis I was told it was sexy.

About two years ago, I was playing one of my niece's wii game where you sing in a microphone and the game kept score about how well you can keep in tone with that bobble note.  The game was contagious - just like rockband - so I sang quite a bit of songs....which would be very unfortunate for you if you were with me.  While I am not sure if I have a decent voice, I know for certain I can not sing.  I usually only sing when I am home alone or in the car.  It is hard to be in a car with someone and a song I love comes on and I can't sing along for fear of the other person intentionally crashing to avoid my singing.

But after about 30 songs of getting no more than 50%, I finally found a song I was able to sing with over 90% accuracy in that game:

Culture Club  - Karma Chameleon

Desert loving in your eyes all the way

If I listened to your lies would you say

I'm a man

without conviction

I'm a man

who doesn't know

How to sell a contradiction

You come and go

You come and go

Karma Karma Karma Karma Karma Chameleon

You come and go

You come and go

Loving would be easy if your colors were like my dream

Red gold and green

Red gold and green

Didn't hear your wicked words every day

And you used to be so sweet I heard you say

That my love

was an addiction

When we cling

our love is strong

When you go

you're gone forever

You string along

You string along

Every day is like a survival

You're my lover not my rival

Every day is like a survival

You're my lover not my rival

I'm a man without conviction

I'm a man who doesn't know

How to sell a contradiction

You come and go

You come and go

from AZlyrics.com

This is surprisingly an easy song to sing because you don't need to fluctuate your voice very much...perfect for me.  

New Years Nightmare

There is a reason I like to stay in on New Years and it mostly involves being happier.  I don't have to worry about people. I can drink as much or as little as I want. I can go to bed anytime I want.

This year, I thought I was going to have a stay-in at ManFriends.  I had the whole thing planned. I already bought a bunch of wine, I picked out 5 sushi rolls, and I had on a tight dress since he likes that.

But much to my dismay, at 4pm he texts me he wants to go out instead.  The wonderful person I am, who has a need to please other people tells him we can do whatever he wants, I only want to make him happy.  He selects a somewhat close by place and wants to leave at 9:30.

Sure, I am 9 years younger than ManFriend, but I hate going out that late...or I should say, start going out that late.  From 4-9 I had no idea what to do with my free time.  I couldn't drink since I still had to make my way over there and I already relaxed and did all my errands during the day.  I was getting tired and a little cranky.

I get there at 9, so I can have a drink before we head out.  He barely acknowledged my presence.  He suggests we take a cab.  I thought it was funny, we live in the suburbs...not the city, we don't have taxis randomly driving down the road.  So I suggested hopping on the train for the few stops.  But he is busy playing convert a celebrity to a porn star name with his friend via text.  We miss two trains, don't leave until 10:40.  ManFriend didn't want to get a ticket since he figured it was only two stops, but I bought them because, you never know.  And we did have to give them to the conductor so ha. it pays to be law abiding 

We get to the bar, they have some live music and an old crowd. It was like being at a wedding, but a lot more crowded - like a sardine. I hate feeling like a sardine.  However, I had a few hours to practice my resolution - enjoy the moment even if I don't want to be there.  So, I tried to make the most of it.  I had 3/4 of a bottle of wine before we left and 3 beers at the bar.  Midnight came and ManFriend gave me a small peck on the lips.  A super lame New Years kiss.

By this point I am so disappointed.  ManFriend is barely showing any interest in me all night, well, he wasn't talking to other people, we were there with each other...but he wasn't be cute and flirty like he did on Friday, and all I got was a tiny peck a brother could have given me.  We start heading out at 1.

ManFriend is convinced he can hail a cab.  He does, surprisingly  but the cabbie didn't want to take us where we wanted to go, so we got out 300 feet from the bar.  As ManFriend is having a temper tantrum outside, I have to take it upon myself to take control.  I go inside and talk to the bartender about getting a cab.  He called three places, none of them answered.

The only other suggestion was to walk to the train.  ManFriend and I started to fight like you wouldn't believe.  I started crying.  A drunk crying woman is the last thing a man wants so it was like his annoyance and temper escalated 500%.

I was annoyed. I mean, I wanted to stay in.  He wanted to go out.  He didn't plan anything.  He didn't know how to solve any problems we encountered.  How can he scream at me because we were stuck in a neighboring town?  I am sorry but I wasn't about to sleep on a park bench, so I messaged a few people, I talked to the bartender, and then I started walking to the train.  I had heels, I didn't care. ManFriend whined the whole time.  The girls in front of us walking asked if I was ok or if it was a typical lovers quarrel.  That was nice of them. By the time we got to the train station, we weren't speaking and weren't even staying near each other.

We had 2 minutes before the train, and ManFriend asks a cab at the train station to drive us home.  On the ride, we pull up home at the same time the train did, it only cost me an additional $20 and 2 wasted train tickets in my pocket.  I wished the cabbie a happier new years than me, which wouldn't have been very hard.

I was in no condition to drive so I go into ManFriends place. He was furious he told me he loved me and I wasn't gutsy enough to say it back and that made him feel like shit.  He questioned the longevity of a relationship with me.  We fight, we have sex, he tells me he doesn't want to speak or see me for a long long time.  All I can think is that this was the shorted 'relationship' I ever had - 4 days (technically).  Even the juvenile boys from high school typically lasted 3 weeks.  Who would have thought they would have beat a man 20 years later?

I sleep on the couch.

In the morning he comes and gets me and brings me back to his room and apologies many times for the disaster of the night.  We don't kiss, we don't have sex.  But I think we made up.  I was hungry and asked him to fetch me food from around the corner, he didn't so I left.

If the first 9 hours of 2013 is any indication of the next 364 days...I am screwed.  I deserve a GOOD year.  Everyone else gets them, damn it, I want one.