One Day

I just finished "One Day" by David Nicholls.  This is sorta of a review of the book but also my feelings about the book and MY life, but if you plan on reading the book, do not read my post.  SPOILER ALERT.

I can't say I really liked the book.  Essentially it is about this guy Dexter and this girl Emma who had this amazing night on graduation night.  Each chapter of the book reflects on them a year later on that same day July 15 1988 - 2007.  Emma is completely smitten with Dex.  Dex likes Emma but well, he is a bit of a partier/player.  Emma and Dex's relationship goes all over the place from distant to best friends to periods of their lives they do not speak.  Emma is outspoken, sweet, and beautiful in a plain way.  Dex is outgoing, cocky, obnoxious, extremely good looking and drunk for most of his life.

As their lives go from their late teens to twenties, you know that Emma is madly in love with Dex but she can't do anything about it.  She stands by and watches him in all his relationships with jealousy.  She dates this guy Ian for a few years - Ian is a complete loser comedian and you wonder why on Earth she would date a guy like that.  But then she comes to her senses and ends that relationship when he wants to marry her.  She then has an affair with her married boss that lasts a year or so which ends with her quitting her job.  She finally meets someone in Paris that she really likes.  And what happens? Dex gets divorced and comes to visit and they get together in their early or mid-thirties. 

Dexter, leading up to this point was a TV celebrity and had a few serious girlfriends that he took advantage of.  I doubt he ever loved any of his girlfriends but was more attracted to the physical aspect of it all.  He finds someone different, someone who is not a celebrity and gets her pregnant after dating about 2 years.  He looses his TV job.  They wed. They are married for a year and a half and his wife cheats on him with his college roommate.   By this point Dex realizes that he could be content being in a monogamous relationship and becoming a good father.

So Dex and Em finally end up together. Both are very happy.  They date two years, get married and try to have a child, with no luck.  Then, on the day they are looking for a house, she gets ran over on her bike and dies. 

If I didn't love the book, why am I blogging about it? I have read so many books and few I blog about.  Well, I'll tell you.  I fear I am an Emma.  I am mostly quiet and reserved with new people.  People tell me I am pretty, but I don't see it.  I had a love (although more than a day) that was lost but still remained in contact with.  For a while even secretly hoped that I would still be with.  Dated a few HORRIBLE guys...although I would never date a guy for a year or two that wasn't worthy, so unlike Emma, I didn't have these other long relationships.  But I did end up very casually and rarely seeing a married man - who was once MY ex (but in my defense married the girl he cheated on me with 11 years ago).  Anyway, I was never in love with him and it was purely recreational the less than 5 times we hung out.  So while cheating, it was not an affair.  Anyway. I am worried that by the time I finally get my stuff together and find someone I actually like either 1) SI will vie for my love and I will be torn between not knowing what to do or who to choose  or 2) something happens (like I die) and not get to enjoy my time finally happy.  Ironic yes. 

At the end (or really 3 chapters before the end) you ask yourself why did Emma have to die?  Why not Dex?  Emma was the sweet girl and you are so happy for her finally.  Whereas Dex you think, wow he really lucked out that get got Emma. And you even think Dex didn't deserve her.  He was a miserable person throughout his life.  So did the writer kill Emma because he knew that Dex would have been heartbroken forever or that perhaps to say 'see asshole, you waited so long for her you don't deserve to be happy' or perhaps he knew that Emma might not have been able to move past Dex if he were killed...given her past relationships. 

It was an entertaining enough book if you enjoy how relationship evolve.  Many books I read are in the short term and most of the time, they life 'happily ever after' but you wonder if they really do.  Having a change to see where the characters are over twenty years is slightly refreshing to find out how people build their lives.

Tough decisions ahead

Goodness, I have been so bad this week in finding motivation to blog.  I have a lot on my mind.  I have been having some family issues, which make me want to change my life even more.  Couple that with my ongoing need to want a change of career and/or even move somewhere new to start over.  This past week I have been trying to decide what to do.  I am happy that as a free individual, the power to make my own decisions is great, however, at times, I wish someone would just say 'Denise, you are supposed to do this with your life and then you'll be happy' but that is not going to happen.  I am considering x-ray technician or mortuary science.  Two very different fields.  One I've been intrigued with for ten years, the other a new option.  I don't know if I will end up making the right choice, and that scares me.  Clearly, I have made a few bad choices.  My undergraduate degree, my graduate degree, my taste in men.  Somewhere in the last four years I have become scared to commit to anything.  Also, I have a ton of money in school loans do I dare add another $15,000 to that?  I do think going back to school to gain new/specific skills would help me.  My current degree in management makes it difficult to find a job since it can be used in many sectors how to narrow it down?  Finding a new job is hard, there is no question about that...but if I am not happy at work now, will working in a similar job make me happier? I doubt it...but maybe the company and client changes would be enough.    

The worst part is, even though I have narrowed it down to these two, they are not necessarily what I would have chosen 10 years ago if I could re-do my life.  If you can start over, what would you do? 

Day 06 - Something you hope you never have to do

I hope I never have to watch someone die and me not be able to help them.  There are two ways that can happen 1) I watch or am involved in an accident and someone is laying there helpless or 2) watch someone close to me die a really slow death and watch that anguish knowing they won't get better and watching them deteriorate slowly.

Welcome Autumn!

As you all know, yesterday was the fall equinox - one of the two days a year where the same amount of time it is light is also dark - and starting today the days will get shorter and shorter.


Source



I hate short days.  I feel tired and unmotivated...but there is something to be said for the Fall, especially in the North East.  Over the last ten years, I have decided that Autumn is my favorite season, and that says something because I don't usually pick favorites.  The crisp air, the leaves crunching under your feet, wearing a light jacket/sweater, the beautiful foliage of the trees, bugs slowly disappear, etc. Something about it seems so peaceful and makes me want to be outside to enjoy it.



The Autumn signifies the approach of Halloween and Thanksgiving, my two favorite holidays.  I love pumpkins, leaves, scarecrows and apples.  We have places where we can pick our own apples and pumpkins - I haven't done that in years, but I might this year.  Nothing better than using real pumpkin (as opposed to can) for pumpkin cheese cake or pumpkin pie - even though it is a lot of work.  Also in its, I think third year, is the Great Jack O'Lantern Blaze where you walk a trail and see all these amazing jack o'lanterns glowing - no doubt you will be in awe of the talents of those who carved the pumpkins - the pictures below do no justice to what is actually on display.

Source

For those of you that do not get a change of seasons, you are missing out and I highly suggest a visit to the North East in the peak foliage season - which varies greatly depending on what state you will visit.  A scenic drive viewing all the trees, perhaps overlooking the rivers, a hike in the woods, maybe even try jumping in a huge pile of leaves...you will feel like you were away longer than you were.

Once the leaves fall and Winter sets in then I feel like Spring can't come fast enough.  I absolutely dread the cold, dark, dreary days of Winter and the holiday madness that the December holidays bring.

Boston Fun

I haven't been to Boston since I was 15 or so, so when my sister told me they had an extra ticket to the Boston Red Sox game, I cancelled my plans (WHICH I HATE) and tagged along.  We got to Fenway Park at 5 to see the hitting practice of the Toronto Blue Jays where we stood past first base.  Then we made our way up to our seats - which were high up but actually very decent for viewing.

I enjoyed the game, but I have to say that I don't really think I am a sports person.  The game was enjoyable, but I felt like we were there forever.  In our section there was a guy that looked like Fabio/Kid Rock that kept trying to get a wave started.  After about 40 minutes, he succeeded and the wave went around the whole stadium three and a half times. I was happy for him, although I think he probably goes to all the games and that is his goal at every game.

Also, there was another entertaining bunch just a few rows in front of us...that was at parts, more entertaining then the show.  They were rooting for Toronto, which I have no problem with, but apparently the drunk guy was bothering other fans.  This guy was dancing and took off his shirt, and was just all around having a good time.  Some future brides starting getting their pictures taken with him.

The next day, we took a duck tour through Boston.  This was actually quite an enjoyable 2 hours.  I learned a litlte history of the city and enjoyed the sites and beautiful day.   



Versatile Blogger

I was shocked when I received another award, courtesy of Shelly.  Thank you Shelly!  If you haven't checked out her blog, I suggest you do, it is among my favorites!

As with all awards, I need to share this one with a few others.  I think you should check out their blogs also:  

Kim - She has been slow to get her blog going, but her posts are versatile. We came up with the 30 goals for our 30s last year - but she actually came up with 30!.

Denise - She seems to have a lot in common with me, which is why I enjoy her blog. 

Marianne - I adore her blog.  A young sassy girl who reminds me of a younger version of me. 

I love when people comment or say wonderful things about my blog.  Now that I can check on the stats of the blog I know that even though I only have 9 followers, so many more people are reading from all over the world...and so I want to thank you for that.  I have very much enjoyed blogging - I have used it as my own free version of therapy and to hear feedback as been invaluable to me.  I have received so much support from virtual strangers but I feel like I know you guys.

  Thank you for reading!

Blind Beer Tasting

I go to a bar, I order a Bud Light.  If they do not have Bud Light, I am confused...oh crap, what to get. Sometimes a Stella, sometimes a Coors, sometimes a water.  But lately, I get my Bud Light and drink half of it.  For some reason, I'm just not feeling it.  Is it my mood? I thought so, but then this happened three times in a month; so I guess not.  Is it the Beer?  Maybe.

But what would I order?  I don't know enough about alcohol.  I do not drink a lot of mixed drinks, I do not know half of the liquor names or what they taste like.  So, I got to thinking...I don't want to waste $6 on a beer I do not like so why not hold a beer tasting - but make it more official, and not pre-judge what you drink tricking yourself into liking something because of the name.

I went to the gas station and picked up a few bottles of beer they sold by the can/bottle.  Gas stations are among the only place you can get individual beers in my area.  I went into a beer distributor and they only had 4 kinds by the bottle because they sold them off if one bottle broke in a 6 pack or whatever. So I grabbed another 3 there.  I called my sisters to see if they had any beer in the house.  I got one bottle at each.   Then my last stop was a beverage center.  They had a lot of individual beer - but I never heard of half of it.  I picked up 2 individuals there and 2 six packs of more common beer found in a bar.

I sent out word I was going to preform this taste test and hoped a few people would join me.  Then I took out wrapping paper and wrapped all the bottles and put them in the fridge to chill until the 'party'.

The next day at work I spent some time designing a score sheet.  Where the tasters would look at different factors.  Overall grade (1-10). Description.  What they thought it was (Oh right, I asked everyone prior to coming over what their favorite beer was).  I then got extra creative and set up my spread sheet to make graphs.

The Participants:
6 people attended:
Me - single  Favorite assumed beer: Bud light
Vicki - married & mother of two, psychometrician.  Favorite assumed beer: Bud light
Alyson - single.  Library worker.  Favorite assumed beer: Miller Light
Leah - engaged. Teacher.  Favorite assumed beer:  Stella
Patty - single.  Dentist.  Favorite assumed beer: Cape Cod IPA
Jaime - married & mother of one. Stay at home mom. Favorite assumed beer: Bud light or Michelob Ultra

How it all played out:

Days before the tasting, I wrapped all the bottles and cans in wrapping paper, ensuring to cover the whole bottle and cap.  I mixed them all up and stored in the refrigerator for several days.  At the tasting, we randomly selected one bottle to open at a time.  Labeled it A - T.  Poured about 3 oz into cups and labeled the cups too (in case you needed to go back and re-taste something).  Everyone tasted and wrote down on the score sheet what they thought of the beer.

I had put out some snack foods and water/iced tea.  Those came in handy while trying to get the taste out of your mouth.  We also ordered pizza and ate it towards the end of the tasting.

The results:
Sample          Actual Beer            Average Points

Beer A          Weinenhaner           3.333

Beer B          Molson                   5.333

Beer C        Becks                     0.833   Least Favored

Beer D         Asahi                       5.167
Beer E         Sam Adams              2
Beer F        Amber Ale                2.167
Beer G        Bud Light                  6
Beer H        Fosters                      6

Beer I         Coors Light                5.167

Beer J         Corona                      4

Beer K       Miller Lite               7   Most Favored

Beer L       Yuengling                    5.833

Beer M      Budweiser                  5

Beer N       Keystone                   6

Beer O       Heineken                   5.167

Beer P       Michelob Ultra           6.667  
Beer Q       Bud Light Lime          6.333

Beer R        Stella                         3

Beer S        Natural Ice                6.167
Beer T        Modelo                     5.5


My Score Sheet

A closer look at some beers:

Beer C Becks:  Lowest Scoring Beer

Taster            Points              Description            Guess
Taster 1             1                 Smells and. Gross.
Taster 2             1                 Yuck                    Budweiser
Taster 3             1                Skunky                German Beer
Taster 4             0                                            Firestone Ice
Taster 5             0                Skunky Smell       Firestone Ice
Taster 6             2                Bad Beer              Fosters

Beer G Bud Light: Common Assumed Favorite Beer

Taster    Points                Description              Guess    
Taster 1     8                        Lite                   Bud Light
Taster 2    1 0                                               Bud Light
Taster 3     8                                               Coors Light
Taster 4     3                                               Coors Light
Taster 5     9                   Yummy                Coors Light
Taster 6     7                 Refreshing                Bud Light

Beer J Corona

Taster     Points         Description                    Guess
Taster 1    4               After taste is strong      Natural Ice
Taster 2    5                                                    Heineken
Taster 3    3               Stinky
Taster 4    5                                                    Heinekin
Taster 5    4               Smelly                           Heineken
Taster 6    3               Gross                              Corona


Beer K Miller Lite: Most Favored Beer


Taster      Points         Description                 Guess
Taster 1      7             Super lite                  Miller Lite
Taster 2      5                                             Natural Ice
Taster 3      8                                             Miller Lite
Taster 4      5                                             Bud Light
Taster 5      9         Good. Drank it all         Miller Lite
Taster 6     8          Good                           Miller Lite

Beer N Keystone

Taster           Points      Description                     Guess
Taster 1          9             Good
Taster 2          9                                                Budlight
Taster 3         7                                                Budweiser
Taster 4         5                                             Michelob Ultra
Taster 5         5             Wateryish                 Michelob Ultra
Taster 6        1               Watery                       Budweiser

Beer P Michelob Ultra 

Taster        Points           Description                    Guess
Taster 1        9                                                 Sam Adams
Taster 2        6
Taster 3        5                                                       Asahi
Taster 4        5                                                        Stella
Taster 5       10              Good!                          Budweiser
Taster 6        5                                               Michelob Ultra

*Bud Light Lime was the only beer that all six participants were able to correctly guess.  Very distinct flavor.

**notes: not all participants were as through as me when it came to rating the beer. Some left overall score blank, in which case I entered a 5 (middle) to not greatly effect the score.


 
                    Number Correct     Percent Correct

Participant 1            3                         15%    

Participant 2            2                         10%

Participant 3            2                         10%

Participant 4            3                         15%

Participant 5            3                         15%

Participant 6            7                         35%

What it REALLY comes down to:
              Favorite Assumed Beer        Actual Favorite Beer (from tasting)
Me                   Bud light                           Michelob Ultra / Keystone Light
Vicki                Bud light                              Budweiser
Alyson            Miller Light                            Yuengling
Leah                  Stella                                    Fosters

Patty         Cape Cod IPA (not in test)        Bud light lime                     

Jaime      Bud light/ Michelob Light            Keystone Light

Day 05 - Something you hope to do in your life

:)  Well, I hope to do a lot in my life.  According to the lady that read my palm the other day, I will live a long life.  *Do they ever tell anyone that they have a short life?

Of course by now, you have seen my bucket list page with a bunch of things I want to do in the next 55years. I want to do a lot.  But I guess the biggest goal I have now, is finding/starting my own family.  Actually, this is not a new goal, I have always been a family oriented person.  I've been told I'd make a fabulous wife and mother.  And I thought I was down that path several years ago.  Instead, I have watched almost every one around me marry and start their families, while I have watched, in jealousy.  I've even seen some relationships end in that short time too and think - if I want it more than they did, why did they get it and not me? 

As jealous as I might be, I also know things happen when they are supposed to.  I consider my old relationship to be one like marriage, and for all intents & purposes, there was no real difference except a marriage certificate and the lack of an expensive party.  So, it is like I am divorced, but without that stigma.  Although, there have been times I think - it might be better to have that label because at least someone was able to love you enough even if they discarded you instead of being single and all the assumptions behinds the reason why someone can't love you.

So, now that I am moving on, I am sure I will find someone, eventually.  The good thing about me, having learned a lot in the last 12 years, is that there are some things I am no longer willing to be OK with because in the long run it won't get better.  I know it will take a while to find my future man, and I am realizing that is OK because it will be worth it. So, I'll be starting really late but there are worse things out there.  I'm happier that I can go between boyfriends with time to heal rather than man-jump and end up in relationships that aren't right. 

But what it boils down to is that I am a happier person in a relationship than not. And who doesn't want to be at least slightly happier?  I hope to get married and maybe have a child/ren.

Day 04 - Something you have to forgive someone for

Oh, today must be my lucky day. I have already done this, so I am going to just add a link.

http://deniserandomthoughts.blogspot.com/2010/06/forgiveness-101.html

Day 03 - Something I have to forgive myself for

Well, this is no secret.  I need to forgive myself for believing in someone for too long, and putting my life on hold while they figured it out - to later realize it won't ever work out.  I gave SI the opportunity to 'fix' his life, to take the time to do what he needed, while I waited for him to come back.  I was so sure that things would go in my favor and work out.  Maybe I was too understanding of the whole mess.  I ended up wasting precious time - the time of our lives that is supposed to be the best, but it hasn't.  Not at all.  I think about where I am in my life, and I get upset and it all stems from this.  I need to forgive myself for making the decision that his life was, I don't know, more important than mine - or whatever that I allowed him to carry on his life, while I was miserable. waiting.  If it worked out in my favor, maybe I'd be ecstatic and think it was the best decision...but I guess it was a gamble, that I lost.

The good news is that in the last 2 weeks (from the 4 year un-anniversary) I have gotten 'better' and I think I am starting to forgive myself.  :) woo-who.

Day 02 - Something you LOVE about yourself...or things I really like about me

I have been thinking about what I love about myself for about a week.  I keep sitting here, wanting to blog, but I am stumped. I wanted to skip this, but that defeats the purpose.  Is that horrible? I like a lot of things about me, but what is worthy of me writing and telling you all what I LOVE about me.  In fact, this is proving to be so difficult, that I might decide to do a larger list for my 'homework' with my life coach.  I think knowing positive things about you helps you become more secure in who you are (which is one of my goals for my 30s).

So, until then, I need to move on.  So you will have to settle for 31 things that I like a lot about me (in no particular order):

I am:

1. opinionated but open minded
2. honest
3. sensitive
4. sweet
5. caring
6. understanding
7. a bit of a romantic
8. thoughtful
9. organized
10. analytical
11. a morning person
12. willing to try new foods
13. able to tan easily (no fake baking here)
14. slightly interested in a lot of different things
15. always willing to learn
16. able to give my love to someone worthy of it
17. close to my family, and love it most of the time
18. a fantastic aunt
19. conscious of money and try not to spend more than I have to
20. able to support myself (even if it is on the low end!)
21. loyal
22. smart
23. a leader
24. proud of my straight teeth (thanks to braces)
25. resourceful
26. traditional
27. laid back
28. OK with my curvy body (not saying it doesn't need a little refining)
29. comfortable touring an area alone, or traveling alone (not to beach like area) to explore new places
30. an avid reader
31. interested in helping others

Reply All...

I received an email this morning that just kinda pissed me off.  My family has been going back and forth trying to set up a weekend getaway to visit friends.  But today, the email was a reply all.  There was no need for a reply all email and that for some reason, infuriated me today.  Not all emails need to be sent to anyone that could be involved.  And don't boss me around in an email like you are superior to me with everyone else reading it.  The email did nothing for me. It was irrelevant, and we spoke about it on Friday so I already knew what you were doing...so why bother with the email?????

Sure, it is no big deal. But I get reply emails a lot at work and for whatever reason, they bother me.  Most of the time (98%) I do not need to be sent that email.  98% of the time, it goes straight into my trash.  I understand emails are more casual, which is fine, I like email.  But with all these people out there - they are making me like email less because they are not adhering to the unwritten rules. One unwritten rule: DO NOT CLUTTER MY INBOX!  Sure, I was able to get rid of all those stupid forwards people send me...but these ridiculous reply all emails get to me.  Last week a FB friend messaged friends saying I lost your phone number and email, reply back with it...I didn't bother, I was actually happy she lost my contact information, but for a week, I was getting notified on all these random people I do not knows email and phone numbers.  Are people really that stupid?

I have a car

Well, I found a decent car.  I picked it up Friday evening and used it yesterday.  My new car also came with two SPIDERS.  One was inside the car the other outside.  I am scared of spiders so this was not a pleasant surprise.  I found them after scrapbooking Friday night around midnight and my sisters had to look for them but didn't locate them.  But when I arrived home, they were still there.  I hope they found a better home in someone else's car.

Anyway, back to the car; it runs well.  It gets me from A to B (which is the most important) even though it is tan.  My mom thinks I should name the car Freedom since it will give me a little more ability to go out and about when I need to.  I am not going to name my car.  Does your car have a name? I think I did name my first two cars, but I am over that ~ perhaps it has to do with my serious mood these days.  No doubt I will use the car a bit more than I have in the past, however, I think for the most part my routine will stay 90% the same.  I will still walk to the train and I will still be a homebody, but I am sure I will go out midweek a tad bit more than I have been.

Yeah, the school year begins!

Today, the school year begins again (by me).  While I do not have children, I look forward to this time of year because it means that NEW TV will soon be starting.  Although, the gal living above me is a teacher and we were up at THREE THIRTY this morning...I can't wait for the sound insulation guy to get back to me - but that is a different story.

I know that is an unbelievably sad statement, but I look forward to watching NEW tv.  I have basic cable, so my tv viewing options in the summer is slim and I end up watching things I don't really enjoy just to watch something.  I started to write down what shows will be on what days in what time slots and are taking notice of brand new shows that can fill the voids of shows that ended (lost, 24, etc).  Then I get to add the shows to my DVR so they will record, and then I will be overwhelmed with TV on those early dark nights where I do not want to leave the house.

So, what will I be recording? (This is where you may start saying prayers that I will find my prince charming so I can get out of the house...and not watch so much TV).  Don't forget fast fowarding commericals will take about 1/3 of the time off :)   If you watch a great new show (on basic tv)...tell me about it, so I can check it out.

key - I am not sure about this one yet...I'll watch one and then decide.  A favorite.  Watched last year, but might not watch again this year

Monday -
8pm - How I Met Your Mother (CBS)
9pm - 2 1/2 Men (CBS)
9pm - The Event (NBC)
10pm - Castle (ABC)

Tuesday -
8pm - NCIS (CBS)
8pm - Glee (FOX)
9pm - NCIS LA (CBS)
9pm - Raising Hope (Fox)
9:30pm - Running Wilde (Fox)

Wednesday -
8pm - Survivor (CBS)
8pm - The Middle (ABC)
8:30pm - Better with You (ABC)
9pm - Modern Family (ABC)
9pm - Hell's Kitchen (FOX)
9:30pm - Cougar Town (ABC)

Thursday -
8pm - The Big Bang Theory (CBS)
9pm - Grey's Anatomy (ABC)
9pm - Fringe (FOX)
10pm - Private Practice (ABC)

Friday -

Saturday -

Sunday -
8pm - Amazing Race (CBS)
9pm - Desperate Housewives (ABC) 

Westmoreland Sanctuary

Westmoreland Sanctuary is a 625 acre nature preserve nestled in Bedford.  There are 13 short trails that total 7.5 miles.  The trail map is easy to understand and the 'hikes' were easy compared to others in the area, but still enjoyable.  Would be a great place to bring children for them to start appreciating nature.

We saw fallen trees with these amazing, vibrant orange fungus growths.  There were many large mushrooms throughout the trails. 


Westmoreland Sanctuary
260 Chestnut Ridge Road
Bedford Corners,  NY 10549
914-666-8448
http://www.westmorelandsanctuary.org/

Day 01 - Something you hate about yourself

Denise at somewhat of a spectacle started a 30 days of truth series of posts: Thirty days, thirty questions, thirty ways for you to get to know me better... and for me to be honest with myself.  I looked through and loved the idea with some topics that are interesting or really make me think. I thought it would be a good challenge, however, I will not be doing it in 30 days, since, there are other things I want to post about, so I will be doing it on those days that I am not sure what to post. But I'll add a page where you can easily click to whatever you want to know/read about.  Perhaps I will even go above 30...we will see.


Today's post is "Something you hate about yourself". 

Wow, Let's get right to it huh? This is really making me think.  What do I hate about myself? I guess there are a few things I don't like very much, like I sweat a lot, my feet tend to smell, I have huge boobs, but that isn't want I want to pick apart.  Let's get a little deeper.

1)  I guess I hate that I put too much trust into people. I give everything I can, and I find I don't get much back in return.  There are many times I feel people take advantage of my good nature and then just assume I will always be there for them.  Sometimes, I let them control me, just so I can be a part of something.  I succumb to being belittled or used.  Lately, I have been noticing this, and have been trying to pull away, trying to not let it happen. So, it is something I am working on.  However, I also don't want to withdrawal too much and be left with nothing.  It is a hard balance.  I also worry that my past will make it hard for me to really fully trust anyone again {like in the picture, I will always catch someone, but when I fall, people will scatter}. 

2)  I tend to take the easy way out.  My job for instance. I have been bored for three years, but I stay here because finding a job is exhausting.  I took the job, not because it is what I wanted, but because at the time, it worked better in my life. It allowed me low stress, and flexibility that I can be home and have dinner made for my man...but since that didn't work out, I stayed here, thinking we'd get back together and it would all work out.  It hasn't.  So, now, 4 years later, I am re-looking for a job.  I know I am smart, but I feel now I lost out on opportunities because I have waited to long to look into them.  Example 2 - I research everything. Hours and hours.  But when it comes down to making a decision, I end up not doing anything because it is just easier. 

Reject me for the right reason

You know what I hate?  Well, one of the many things - is that when you apply for a job, which is a step below you and you receive a standard letter informing you "Unfortunately you do not meet the minimum requirements for this job".  I laugh and say to myself...No, I EXCEED them. I am not just qualified, I am over qualified.  I understand you don't want to fill a position because I have too much experience and you fear I will get bored and move around...but have a standard letter for that too. And don't be afraid to hire me if I require slightly more pay that you were willing to pay - because long term, the benefits of hiring someone smart and motivated will pay off and areas that were a struggle will diminish and the company/department may function better.  Do I even want to work for a company that can not be honest in their reason for not wanting to even met you in person? 

I also hate that you apply for a job whether below you or not, and they send you a notice stating other applicants were selected but thank you...and than that job stays open for months.  Why bother seeking resumes and getting our hopes up, for something you don't necessarily plan to fill, or that you are being too picky in your selection. 

Sure, there are times when I apply for a job even though I do not have experience in one area they are seeking, but I am a smart person, how hard can the job be? It just takes a little time and I would get the hang of it without a problem.  I do not want to do exactly what I do now in another company, I want to do something similar but different.  Instead, these companies don't even bother and are missing out on really great workers.  Yes, I am allowed to say it.  I think I am a really good worker.  Not that you can tell, since I blog at work...but I am slow these days and my job has become very routine and I work really fast...but that is why I want a new job.  One that challenges me, keeps me busy and of course pays better.  Is it really this hard to find something else?

I have been thinking about moving a lot lately, and I wonder, if it is this hard to find a job locally, how do people manage to move and find a new job?  I wonder if I should look into recruiters in cities I am considering, but I fear they will not take me seriously.  Ugh, it is frustrating.

Open call for set-up

I've blogged about being single and how hard it is to find a decent man to date.  I've even mentioned match-makers that I can not afford.  But then I realized...the best way to meet people is through people you know so why not offer those people something?  I realized I wasn't tapping in on the social networking sites to help find me a date.  So, I posted an open call to my friends that if someone set me up on a date I would offer them a reward.  If the dates turned into dating, another reward, if dating turned into marriage a HUGE reward.   I was optimistic that people would read it and think, you know- I DO know someone.  But I only received one response from someone who would keep me in mind...doesn't sound to optimistic.  I started to wonder, perhaps some of my FB friends hide my status (I do this to a LOT of my 'friends') so it is possible that many aren't seeing it.  I thought it was  a good idea, but I guess not.

Back to the drawing board.

Meyer Nature Preserve

Is happiness overrated?

Source

Lately HAPPINESS has consumed my thoughts.  It could be because I have not been truly happy in five years.  And I wonder, as I am frowned down upon by family and society, if being happy is really 'normal'.  Everyone says I need to be happy...but do I?

We all know that people aren't as they seem.  Behind closed doors people who look happy might be miserable.  So why should I have to constantly put up a front to hide my feelings?   Is it to make other people feel better?  Is it because my mood effects so many others?  Don't get me wrong, I loved how I felt when I was happy.  I hope that I could be again.  Being unhappy is utterly miserable, but it is easier said than done to reverse that feeling.  At times I would rather just give up and move away to start over than to actually deal with it.  I know that is cowardly, but stewing in depression isn't helping either.  Something needs to change, and I think it would be easier to walk away then to fix it.

I have not tried anti-depressants yet, but using chemical substances to make you less un-happy seems like it somewhat defeats the purpose as well.  Even on anti-depressants, is one happy?  I was so against taking medication four years ago that I refused to agree to it.  I figured I had to work my way out by myself and not be dependant on a drug, and I hoped that in the long run, it would work so well that I would be fixed permanently.  Four years later my depression spell seems to be worse than it has been in three years and I wonder if I made the wrong choice - that I should have tried those happy pills and have been done with it.  The side effects can't be much worse than living in a fog, crying every other day, withdrawn feelings, un-motivation and of course lack of sex drive (also side effect from med).

Getting yourself out of a depression is hard.  You know it is there.  And you know you don't like it.  But you don't want to do anything to fix it.  You even know you deserve to be happy - but it seems like such a far fetched concept.

If you have been in similar situation, what has worked for you?