booty call leads to alcoholism

So, I am sitting in my apartment drinking old wine...waiting for bank boy to come over for a booty call. Who am I? I have to say after my Mexican trip when I barely got laid, I've been horny. Am I crazy...bank boy? Anyway, I think the more important issue is that again I have to drink a little to casually hook up with someone. I know this is a huge problem, but I am more relaxed (key is to not drink too much) but it is a problem. I don't know what is worse.

My second award

How wonderful, I received my second blog award...this time for super comments. It is easy to comment on blogs that I enjoy and I have had a great time learning about my blog friend's lives. I currently only subscribe to a handful of blogs, but you may enjoy them as well...although many of them don't follow me (yet?).

Diary of a fickle white woman

Serenity Now!! Insanity Later

Known Associates

The Sassy Curmudgeon

Shelly's Musings

Oh, What the crap

30 and Starting Over

1. Why do you blog?
I blog because I need an outlet to vent. In high school i kept a diary. During my first break up I wrote 20 pages to get out my thoughts. I thought blogging would be my therapy since real therapy didn't work (I only tried one session).

2. What was your favorite age to be and why?
This is hard. I really enjoyed being young. 8-10...the summers were an eternity and we had a blast. No real responsibilities. As an adult I enjoyed 22-25, as I said the other day those were the happiest years of my life. But I hope my mid-thirties and early forties will be the best.

3. What's your favorite sport to play?
Haha. that is a funny question. Hmm, three-legged races? I am really good at that (well, I guess that depends on my partner). I enjoy swimming...but my family does not have a pool anymore, so I don't do that.

4. What is your favorite sport to watch?
I think I like basketball the best. There is a lot of action. My nephew plays baseball and basketball and I enjoy watching both of his sporting games, but basketball is more action packed. Of course I love March Madness. But I do not have a favorite team - I tend to root for the opposite team as my 'friend' or just pick one based on color/name/location.

5. If you could pick your perfect career (and money didn't matter) what would it be?
Hmm, if I knew this answer, then I would be working towards it. I really have no idea.

6. Do I ever feel guilty about blogging?
I don't feel guilty for getting my thoughts out there to my small following. But sometimes I do feel bad writing about people...but I try to use discreet nicknames and no pictures, so honestly only a handful of people would know who they are anyway...so No, I do not feel guilty.

7. What is your favorite holiday?
I love Thanksgiving.

8. What is your favorite kind of music?
That is hard, I like a lot of different kinds of music. I love some 80s, sappy love songs, angry woman songs, pophits, oldies, etc.

9. Do you consider a good or bad driver?
I would have considered myself a good driver a few years ago. I don't really drive much now, not having a car...but I am going to start to look for one. I am definitely on the better end of the spectrum. In this area there are some HORRIBLE drivers.

10. What is the farthest place you have visited?
I took an international business class for my MBA and elected to take the Asian business strategies and we took a 10 day trip to China. We spent a few days in Beijing and a few days in Hong Kong. A few of us also took a few hour trip to Macau. I can't wait till I can afford to travel to more places.

Who gets a rose? The bachlorette

I am not a loyal viewer of the bachelor/bachelorette. I've actually only seen 1 1/2 seasons.; but I have some issues with it. After watching last season with Jake, I could tell how in love both girls were with him, I wondered how is that a good thing? Essentially both ladies lived together, both ladies were dating the same guy, and in the end he picks one. Imagine for a moment that type of competition, that type of jealousy, and that type of lust. Imagine sharing someone you care about with someone else...and being OK with it for a while. Maybe it hits home too much with me but how is a show about finding love AND heartbreak a good thing? Sure it worked for 2 of the 26 people originally involved, but what about the rest? Sure some of them aren't there long enough to develop feelings - but others are.

This isn't going to stop me from watching this season of the bachelorette, as there is little TV to watch in the summer (I have basic TV), and I am rooting that Ali finds a great guy. Some of her choices seem really cute/nice and after only two hours I've picked those that I am rooting for.

• Here is who I am NOT rooting for: Craig M (seems too arrogant), Jonathan (seems so sketchy and reminds me of Tom Cruise in a bad way), Craig R, Frank (at first I liked him, but he seems a little too...whats the word?)
• About the first impression roses: Justin has a great smile & sure I agree I don't like his profession but that is no reason to say he was there for the wrong reason. Roberto seems sweet, but I don't think he is right - too suave.
• Here is who I think has potential: Chris H, Chris L, Jesse, John C(?), Ty, Justin, Kirk...and she eliminated one or two I would have kept a tad bit longer.

The Doppelganger haunting of SI

I had a sad day today. Perhaps it is hormones and lack of sleep or perhaps I am just depressed again. For some reason I can't stop thinking about my past. More specifically the guy that broke my heart. I know those of you that know me are shaking your head in disapproval that this is still an issue. But yes, the reality is that everyone has days like this - and days where they wish their life was different.

How I Met Your Mother has had episodes about doppelgangers, and in season 5, show 24, Ted said that everyone has a doppelganger of themselves. My issue would seem that the doppelganger of SI is the one that haunts me. I was so I love with this guy. Perhaps it was because it was my first love, perhaps it was because I had nothing else to compare it to. But the original version of him that I know of (2002-2005) was the one I can't seem to escape. It was such an ideal relationship, it was so easy, so perfect for a long time. It was everything I wanted. Especially after being on dates with other people...that is when you realize how good something was even if it was bad.

I should hate SI for what he did to me, I know that. But I don't. And for a while I tried really hard to make it work. And would have taken him back in a heartbeat if he asked in a convincing way and made those small gestures to show he was willing to work on gaining trust back. In a few months we will technically be broken up as long as we were together (2 of those years I wouldn't really consider broken up, but technically that is when I moved out)...which is way to long to be haunted by this.

So why now? I was doing really well for a while. And I guess it come down to that Memorial day is the start of the summer. The summer is a time for love and activities. Summer was always such an amazing part of the year, and I realized that I will be alone again. I don't have enough friends to hang out doing things I like. And it hurts me to assume (yes, I know that makes and ass out of you and me) that he is happy and probably married with a kid...even though last I talked to him a few months ago he denied it, but then again, he lied to me about pretty much everything for a while so who knows what to believe. Sure, I can do some Internet stalking to find out...but honestly I couldn't handle the reality.

I know that the guy I loved isn't the guy that broke my heart and isn't the guy he is now (a few doppelgangers in there). Although, the guy now is very similar just to my original version. And I know there is no way things can ever go back. But I have thought of how different my life would have been. Do you ever look around at all your old friends on facebook and wonder how they seemed to have been 'luckier' in attaining their hopes and dreams. The girl who was on the larger size and awkward and never had a boyfriend is suddenly married with several kids. Or the once super shy boy who has now traveled the world and has an amazing job. Somehow I thought I would end up in the same boat, not left behind watching everyone and secretly being jealous that things worked out for them. So far the only person who wants to end up like me is my eight year old niece, she told her mother that she wants to be like me because "I don't live with my parents even though I am a kid. I can do what I want when I want".

I know things aren't always what they appear and they could be miserable...but at least they had those opportunities. The grass may be greener on the other side, but I've been on both sides and I really prefer the side I am not on. That is saying a lot because one year with that guy was hell and I'd still take that over this.

Now, if only I can develop some sort of eye puff reducer then at least I'd be set financially :) Hopefully by writing this, and getting my sadness out, I can have a better day tomorrow and enjoy the summer.

Heigh ho, heigh ho - it's off to work we go

I was sitting here trying to decide if I should apply for a part time job. The job would most likely be super low paying working nights & weekends. I've been struggling with this decision for months but today I came very close to applying for it. I feel like I am too old to have to work two jobs - I should be able to just get away working one decent job and manage to survive on that one alone. For some reason, that doesn't seem to be working out, I am getting by, but just barely watching the credit card slowly creep up.

I have free time right now. Lot's of it. I should work and make good use of that time instead of finding new hobbies...but the main goal is to find a man. To do that, I can't be working all the time. I need time to date. :) sounds horrible right? Yeah, it is. And no, I don't think Mr. New Man will be found at the part time job.

I don't know why I have an easier time looking for a part time crap job then finding a replacement full time job. It could be that I still don't know what I want to do with my life. AND for some reason I would feel guilty leaving my job. They have been really wonderful and it isn't so bad...but the pay sucks. I remember about 2 years ago, I had a client come into the city and my boss was talking to him. He is telling her how he would love to move back to New York City but it is too expensive. She agrees with him and says 'but Denise wouldn't know, she lives in Westchester not the city' and my mouth dropped. HELLO lady -- Westchester is super expensive...especially when you live alone. Mind you she is 'old' and lives in a rent stabilized apartment and is the owner of the company -- so she is NOT struggling.

After three months I have finally updated my resume, but when I look at it I am still not happy. I do a lot of miscellaneous things at work, and have a hard time making it sound good. Starting a new job is scary...and I worry that I would regret my decision...but I suppose a higher salary when I can actually afford groceries and a car and pay off my credit card would be good regardless.

Oh, who knows.

Early Bird

After my breakup with SI 4 years ago, I temporarily moved back in with the parents. Well, what defines temporary? I was there for about 2 years and it was even updated on my license. Anyway - living with your folks again is hard. They both worked in the school system and were home early. Everyday when I got home, dinner was ready - at 5:30pm. Of course I started eating that early with them. Now another two years later...and I am still starving at 5:30. When I get home, if I don't eat right away, I get all crazy. If I have plans later that evening...I have to snack. It is really bad. I am probably the youngest person on a senior citizen eating schedule - now only if I could get the discounts on the food.

Summer Fridays & NYC

So, as a friend pointed out to me, I work in Manhattan. Not that it was a shock to me...but I get up take the train, go to work and leave to go home...just like many of you. I work in Manhattan and I don't realize it and certainly don't take advantage of it.

Every year we get summer hours. We work an extra 1/2 hour on Thursdays and then 5 hours on Friday and get to leave a little early. It is nice to get home about 2 hours earlier...but in the last 4 years I have not done anything 'special' with that free time. My first summer, it rained EVERY Friday...and I know this because I always wanted to go to the town pool, but when I got off the train it was raining. The following year I was living back with my parents and just sad. I don't remember those 2 years too much...but I know that nothing special happened.

So, that leaves me with this year. My year of change and trying new things. I know I am a little 'behind' schedule on the finding yourself thing - but better late than never. I would love to hear what you non-new york citiers would do in the big apple for a few hours.

Trip Firsts

Yeah, it's Friday, the last day of my trip themed blog. I was starting to worry I wouldn't have anything else to write about today.

This trip marked some firsts for me:

• First time traveling with a guy that I was very casually dating
• First time at an all-inclusive resort
• First time I spent a night in Mexico
• First time I sat in an airplane row with extra leg room
• First time as an adult, being in public wearing a bikini
• First time I got so badly sunburned my face was swollen for 2 days and am disgustingly peeling (credit to all you super light skinned people who endure this all the time)
• First time unintentionally mooning everyone in the pool
• First time being fish-hooked
• First time on a vacation where I did nothing
• First time I swung on a swing drinking beer
• First time I wore a strapless bra
• First time I drank Mexican beer (that's right - I'm a bud light drinker. I do not drink Coronas: however that is all this place had on tap. I did drink that and then in town I tried Modelo, Sol, Leon and Pacifico)

Should I bother with my list of lasts? Nah, I think you got the hint already.

When I turned my phone on after landing, bankboy texted me when we getting together...and I was actually debating it.

Anyway, it was GREAT to get away. I really enjoyed the sun and the time to de-stress. My Feb-April was super stressful and this was well needed. It was not, by far, my ideal trip, but it did the job.

How to ditch a girl in 96 hours

Most of us ladies should have seen the romantic comedy How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days with Kate Hudson and Matthew McConaughey. I have a crush on Matthew - he is so NOT my type, but he has nice hair and makes cute facial expressions. Anyway, today's post is based in part on this movie. For those of you who haven't seen it - the gist of it is that Matthew's character has a bet with two female co-workers that he can make a woman fall in love with him, if he wins he gets some Ad job. Kate's character is writing an article about how to lose a guy in 10 days, if she wins - she gets to write better stories at her job. So while Matthew is trying so hard to get Kate to fall in love, Kate is doing things to annoy Matthew so much that she hopes he'd back off and end the romance.

So without further ado, here is my how to ditch a girl in 96 hours:

• Blatantly check out every single female around AND comment to me about how hot they are and/or that you want to 'tap that'
• More than three times in a day, suggesting to others that I can be swapped
• Laugh-snort at me when I ask if you'd like to have sex
• Constantly telling people I am too nice, after a while it is just constant reminder of a flaw
• Intentionally ignoring me
• Opening the car door before the car stops to drop me off and then tires spinning as you speed off
• Its ok if you complain about something, but if I did, it is not acceptable
• Annoyed at the fact I am not an alcoholic and can not drink from 10 am - 10 pm. I suppose I am more of a binge drinker. I'd rather drink more in a shorter period of time and get tipsy/drunk than to spend the whole day drinking and perhaps fall asleep too early.
• Endlessly talking about an ex-wife but yet if I bring up a time/story from an old relationship - I am not over it, need to move on and carry too much baggage...but its OK for you since you were married - because a relationship of 6-7 years apparently means it isn't serious and I wouldn't understand
• Every time you fart (which was often) you tell me you 'shit your pants'
• Hoping & praying to find others to talk to so you don't have to talk/look at me
• Not offering to rub sunscreen on my back
• Incessantly talk about your child. Sure, I love children and don't mind some talk, however there is a limit on this
• Walking so far in front of me, that I wonder if you'll leave me in the airport parking lot
• Not asking the gal questions after she has asked you a few. Conversation focused solely around you
• Constantly pointing out to other men how large my breasts are

Do any two maybe three of these things, and I can get the hint EASILY. There is no need to do them all. Guys gotta realize that excessive behavior is a major turnoff anyway. And MAYBE just maybe, we are sitting there, thinking the exact same thing as you, but we are handling it a lot better by silently laughing to ourselves hoping the trip will end.

I try not to judge a book by its cover - in fact, I've been trying to open up to new ideas. BUT there is a reason why we need to trust our guts and first impressions seem to be right.

Airport Blues

As many of you know, international travel is very time consuming. Three hours of waiting in the airport waiting to board a plane is tough. We were very lucky that the line to get through security in Mexico was super fast. It was very nice to keep my shoes on while walking through the metal detector and not have to worry about all the germs from every one's bare feet...I mean, after all it is the summer, I wasn't wearing socks.


Next came the trek through the terminal to find the gate. A little browsing here and there and then popped a squat. A little reading? Some music? Talk to my travel partner? Nope, I decided I needed to text a friend internationally - goodness knows how much that will be - to sort out some stuff. I eventually popped in the earpods and proceeded to people watch. It couldn't be more perfect -- as much as I have traveled for work (about 3 times a year) I NEVER once thought about where to sit to do this. I have always hoped that maybe I'd meet a cute guy on the plane or in the airport, but I still have not. Generally all the guys at my gate aren't even attractive & mostly women end up next to me. It just so happened that my gate was near the men's rest room. I spent the next few hours watching all the men enter and leaving their rest room. There were only about 5 guys that were good looking - but I guess it was better than none. If anything, I learned a lesson - at the airport, make sure to sit near the men's bathroom because at least I'll have a distraction. Now I just need to work on that I'm available for a chat look.


What was interesting was to have the initial security line move faster, we had our bags hand checked at the gate. This took a while, but I had no problem getting through. Both this time and one other time at security I was NOT patted down. Once in a while, a girl wants a pat down from the good looking security guard...after all, we like strong guys and fantasize about a little steamy action that follows the pat down (sure, I watch too much unrealistic TV & movies) but that never-happened pat down would have turned me on more than the rest of the trip. Maybe next time.

I'm too sexy for my shirt too sexy for my shirt - so sexy it hurts

Packing for my trip was hard, I put a lot of thought into clothes that would be light and summery that look decent on me...after all, I was going away with a guy (see this post to find out why), they like that kind of effort. I even ordered a bikini from a store in Europe - which came in just in time.

I was very self conscience about the possibility of wearing a bikini. I haven't worn one since high school, when I didn't realize what a knock-out body I had back then...but now, that is something that shouldn't be done, for courtesy of the other people. My first day there was a half day, so I wore a black tankini...and I realized I was practically the only person covering so much of my body. Next day I decided to attempt the bikini, I did not feel comfortable not covering up...but I saw a lot worse bodies than mine (and a lot better).

The resort had a large population of Canadians and Europeans - and I know the Europeans wear speedos, but I am not used to seeing so many in such a small area. Big guys and fit guys and even little kids...so really, my bikini was OK in the grand scheme of it all.

My keratin hair treatment did not seem to work well in the humidity. I was informed not to go into salt or chlorine water -- but why else would I want to get the treatment done? Mostly for the summer humidity by the ocean. I tried to straighten my hair each night - but it seemed to be pointless as it just curled up and frizzed out of control. No wonder my 'friend' couldn't keep his eyes off of every other lady there.

Grand Riviera Princess in Playa del Carmen

I just got back from a weekend away in Mexico. This was my first all-inclusive resort trip and I was very impressed by the vastness of it. We stayed at the Grand Riviera Princess in Playa del Carmen which was about 35 minutes from the airport. We walked in the lobby and right away I was amazed with all the openness and the grandness of everything.

Our room was on the first floor - and had a small porch which went into the pool river which was a nice extra. There were so many pools and lounge chairs to choose from (the resort was not at full capacity - but even if, I am sure there would have been plenty of room) that it was never an issue about where to go. I also have to comment on how attentive and nice the staff was - and excellent job!

The resort has many pools and fountains - everywhere you looked, you saw water. For an extra relaxing feeling, they have these huts that jut out a little over the water but you stay cool under the shade.

The weather was perfect - I am rocking a nice burn & tan, and I even applied sunscreen many times throughout the day but I think that since I didn't let it absorb before entering the water that it probably did not work. My face is also swelling up, not sure if it is sun poisoning or an allergic reaction to something. The ocean was also perfect - my first time in WARM water with a slight rolling waves. Normally I can't stay in the ocean water for long periods of time, but since it was so pleasant, it was not a problem. There were some really nice people there, that I hope to keep in touch with.

The resort wasn't too far from downtown and had such a quaint but fun feeling to it. The main few roads are closed to vehicular traffic which made walking to the stores, restaurants and bars so easy. There was every type of restaurant imaginable - one night we ate at an Asian fusion place...and sat in a tree house - talk about atmosphere! Some of the bars had swing chairs which was fun as well. It was a relaxing stroll looking and taking in everything.

This is definitely a place I would return back to and part of me is a little upset it took me so long to travel that way. I am looking forward to starting to think about where I can go next.

OK, that is enough of a 'review'. I'll try to post something every day this week about the trip, a mini theme.

**Thanks to Nadine for some of these great pictures**

Top 10 Top 10

I thought I'd spend today coming up with a top-10 list...but not knowing what to list, I started to find some really neat Top 10s that I thought I would share instead. So here are my top 10 favorite top 10's I read today:

Places you don't want to visit --> enough said, I want to see them NOW...
Misconceptions of common sayings --> Oh, so that is what that means
Unsual weather phenominema --> actually the pictures are really great
Worst logos --> if these dont make you laugh, I don't know what will
Easy arithmetic tricks --> Who doesn't love a short cut?
Bizzare tourist attractions --> Good, other people more crazy than me
Facinating facts about cheese --> I LOVE cheese, enough said
Bizzare food festivals --> who doesn't like a celebration of food
Wrongly attributed inventors --> always good to know for trivia
Most disturbing novels --> I read a lot, so I might have to try some of these

Thoughtless Tuesday

I've been sitting here a while thinking about what to write today, but nothing is coming to mind. I was scanning some blogs, looking at pictures and thought I'd share a billboard I saw in North Carolina - The first billboard I saw I was hysterical laughing - did I read that right? But of course we flew by it and just hoped to see another...so I had the camera ready just in case...and sure enough we passed about 5 more.

Back-Up Plan

Yesterday my sisters & I took my mom & grandma to the movies for Mother's Day. We saw the backup plan with Jennifer Lopez. I was a little nervous since my grandmother is super religious/conservative, but she laughed and enjoyed the movie.

I sat there thinking that might be me in a few years. I had 2 back-up husbands, you know the ones "If we are not married by 30, we marry each other". But both found someone and are still married. Sure there is Bank Boy who won't leave me alone, but I refuse to settle too far, a little settling is OK, but there is a line.

Got me thinking, what will my back up plan be? My posts from last week included adoption...but I have also thought about being pregnant. Adoption might be the better of the two.

I have thought about what kind of sperm I wanted. Last year, I asked my super ex boyfriend (cop #1 - and super because it was 2 ex's ago -- not because he was amazing) if he'd let me have his sperm since he was incredibly good looking. He said no. At the time he was married with one kid, and his wife pregnant with the second and he didn't think the world needed another one of his children around. I tried to explain I wouldn't ask anything of him, just that when we had sex, maybe he forgot the condom. I could get pregnant and he wouldn't even know since we wouldn't be talking in 6 months. After all, what would he care: He was married and wouldn't be involved. There went that idea - back to thinking about sperm banks.

Two weeks ago, I asked my sisters if they'd help/be supportive of me if I end up a single mom. Of course they said yes, but I could see one doesn't think I'll end up single...the other one looked like she might believe it be my only option...that is if I want kids at all.

I should start thinking about what age I will stop waiting for the 'what if' and make something happen for myself.

Hair Removal

Sophomore year high school, I liked this kid Frank. He was 'going out' with my neighbor at the time, but like most high school romances it only lasted a month or so. Before I knew about the 'code' I too started dating this kid. We were making out on my bedroom floor when he tells me my mustache is thicker than his. OUCH. Needless to say that relationship did not last long.

I am mortified - sure I have lots of dark hair, but I never realized it was an issue...the joys of growing up. I started bleaching my mustache, but there was still a bit of hair. Traumatized my mom sets out finding an electrolysis. We find some Indian lady doing it out of her basement and a very reasonable rate. I endure 15-30 minute sessions once a week 3 months and then twice a month for a few more months and then every 3 weeks or a month for a while after that. After about a year, I was pleased with my results...all the hair on my lip GONE. I was about 15 or 16, and this process HURT. I won't lie, a needle was inserted into your skin for every hair follicle and then buzzed with an electrical current. Almost every session I lay there with tears streaming down my face, left with small welts that I had to ice for a while which then vanished by the next day. I dreaded going there but happy all at once.

Three or four years after that I decided to have laser hair removal on my sideburns and cheeks. This was very expensive but at least I only went for about 6 sessions. My face actually looked OK and I was not no longer embarrassed since you couldn't see any more dark hair.

In the mean time I started waxing my eyebrows at my at the time boyfriends request - he didn't think I should have a uni-brow bigger than his...(OK OK, it wasn't THAT bad, but my eyebrows were thick). Occasionally I also waxed 'down there' at his request as well.

About 9 years later I noticed more hair sprouting up on my face. I have to say that the laser and electrolysis worked for a long time - but then feared doing this again now that I was older. Last night I had my first electrolysis appointment, and I was scared. I was happy to see that the technology has gotten better (and with that the price was 3 times more than what I paid 10 years ago). Although you can feel every insertion at least I didn't shed a tear. I'll go back for the occasional clean up, which won't be as bad, something I can tolerate.

I would love, as posted yesterday, to start laser hair removal for my underarms and bikini line...but that is a long time away since I do not have the money for that.

In a world that seems to be falling apart every day - I feel guilty that I find the need to be so vain in my appearance...but then again, that is the one thing that will help me land a future husband, so the investment is worth while.

A dollar and a dream

Every week my office sends around an email to participate in the lottery. You enter for $5 and then depending on who is playing, all that money is put towards tickets. I played for a few months, and then decided it wasn't worth it. This past Tuesday the office was buzzing - they were winning this time...and I told the boss, I hope you don't because I will be the only one in the office tomorrow. (turns out 3 of us don't play, so I wouldn't have been alone). They won $7.

But it always gets you thinking - what would you do if you won the lottery? I keep saying how broke I am, so this is something I think about a bit - but since I don't play, I know dreams of coming into money is slim. I wouldn't be super greedy and want to win the 300 million...I would be very happy with a measly 15 million dollars (after taxes).

So what would I do?
* Breast Reduction
* Laser Hair Removal
* Sell my small condo & buy a nice townhouse
* Save 8 million so I can live off the interest without having to work
* Put 1 million away for each of my future children
* Help my family (maybe pay off their mortgage or help with their kid's education)
* Buy a car
* Donate some to a good cause
* Pay off my student loans, maybe go back to school for something else

"flash" back

Today I was chatting with Bank Boy about my hesitation to ever see him again. We were chatting about my insecurities and I realized it may have all started back in high school.

Who doesn't like attention? I liked attention from boys, but it got out of hand. I was in the 11th grade and high school was the worst place for me; I was constantly tortured and teased by the junior & senior boys because I had huge boobs (and I was skinny back then). I didn't understand what sexual harassment was -- and actually didn't learn that term until 2 years later. The boys would leave messages on the house answering machine that my parents would hear that would thank them for blessing me with succulent breasts that they can stare at all day and hope to play with. My parents heard these messages. Humiliating. One day it became too much to handle, and I wanted to end it. The boys had repeatedly asked if I'd flash them, I always said no. Then this particular day, I said OK. We were at lunch, and we went outside (me & the 3 or 4 seniors). I lifted up my shirt for all of 5 seconds. Bra stayed on. Before the school day was out 95% of the school heard about this & nicknamed me flash. I didn't go to school for the rest of the week - I was ashamed and embarrassed...but eventually a month later, people just stopped talking to me. I lost a few friends...but I didn't care. My senior year was only 4 periods & I worked...I just couldn't wait to go away to college and leave those people.

College was better, but guys just assumed with a body like mine, I was a slut. In fact when the complete opposite was true. I was too scared to do much because I knew it was for the wrong reasons. In college, I was super drunk one night that flashed a lot of guys at a frat party - which of course involved alcohol. My sorority sisters didn't like it one bit - and I apologized in a letter for my behavior - but I also questioned why flashing was deemed worse that all their casual sex with the frat boys. I ended up quitting the sorority a month later.

Sex was a big deal back then - and while I didn't partake in those activities, the treatment I received from guys in high school and college was enough to damage me. Many times men were only interested in me for my unusually large chest to say they saw them or touched them. Maybe it became contests. Because of this, I had a hard time trusting anyone and understanding why someone would want to be with me for me.

Sometimes it isn't a matter of getting over it - but it is more of accepting who you are and new people aren't those kids who made your life hell. The feelings never go away -- because so many guys are assholes and their behavior still goes with everything I just discussed. I will probably always have insecurities about my body and trust issues but when you find someone you like enough, those feelings get put on the back burner.

Make new friends & keep the old, one is silver and the other's gold

Its been about 13 years since I graduated from high school. Once I went to college, I tried to keep in touch with 3 good friends. That of course didn't last long and we went our own ways. Out of the blue a friend contacted me to get together, of course I am used to saying sure and them not following through but this one did. I have to admit I was a little nervous - it is like hanging out with someone brand new, sure you HAD a connection when you were younger but everything changes and maybe you don't remember very much.

I had another engagement that evening - and told said friend they could met me there and we'd decide what to do. As I was telling my cousins about this - they assumed, like me, that this get together could be a date. My sister on the other hand - did not think so - but then again she is married and naive about singlehood. I had to try my best to make the evening not like a blind date (I say blind date because, what do you really know about someone after 13-14 years?). I downed two beers and just let the night happen.

I actually had such a fabulous night - we stayed there. I laughed so much and my friend chatted with my cousins & sister so well. I do not remember much about high school - but I know why I was friends with this kid, he is truly such a nice/warm person. I was the party pooper and couldn't keep my eyes open and just passed out on the couch around 1:30-2am. I think it it is safe to say we just hung out. As we were leaving at 2:30 - we did say we'd get together again...and I do think we will.

Volunteering

Ah, not only is today Friday, but it is the end of April. I can't believe a third of the year is over already. Time seems to be flying by these days - some weeks I am super busy, other weeks I try to think of new hobbies because I get so antsy...when I should be looking for a new job or at least a part time job. But I was hoping to have 'free time' for if/when I meet a guy, I'd have room to accommodate him into my schedule. So silly of me.

Yesterday afternoon, while suffering through a horrible headache, I decided to look around and find ways to better use my time (instead of working) and I found this great volunteer site so I signed up for one on-going cause and hope to volunteer for others soon as well. I might not have the typical hobby like - sports, cars, animals or exercising - but at least I will be doing something that is important to me and that will make me feel better about giving back to those who need help.

http://www.1-800-volunteer.org

Adoption

Sandra Bullock made the headlines again today for her adoption of a little boy from New Orleans. Add to that all the kids Angelina & Brad have, Kathrine Heigl's recent adoption of a Korean girl, Madonna's addition, and the article on Russia orphanages and it makes you think about adoption.

http://www.cnn.com/2010/WORLD/europe/04/29/russia.orphanage/index.html?hpt=C1

I have, for as long as I could remember, wanted to adopt a child. There are so many unfortunate children out there and it breaks my heart every time I hear about child abuse or stranded kids. I would love to be a foster parent as well - helping the kids adjust to a life without their biological parents. And it is something I hope to do - even if I remain single. But, I am 30 and broke. At this time, there is no way I can pursue this dream - but it is something I am constantly thinking about and hope I can somehow find this 'extra' money to put towards a bigger apartment so a kid has room and food and allow me to offer them everything they deserve.

I am very happy that celebrities, having more disposable income, chose to adopt. And I wish, that as a society we would do more to prevent women from having children they don't want (more specifically I have a problem with the ladies on welfare having 8 kids by different fathers - lets spend the money and get their tubes tied instead!)

http://celebrities.adoption.com/

The rejection hotline?

I have been single long enough that I should have known about this sooner. We have all had them, guys that talk to us in a bar that won't leave you alone even after insulting him or ignoring him, he just doesn't get the hint. He won't leave you alone until he gets your number...which of course he will never call anyway. So you give it to him...maybe you change a number, but feel bad that he MIGHT end up harassing someone else because you didn't want to deal with that psycho again.

The rejection hotline I believe was first instituted in New York City, but so many numbers have popped up all around the country. I'll tell you, the first thing I did when I discovered this today, was to pick three numbers out and add to my phone!

http://www.rejectionline.com/

http://www.humorhotlines.com/hh-numbers.asp

I just now listed to the message, thinking, I need to be sure this is in fact a phone number I can give away freely knowing exactly what would happen on the other end. HYSTERICAL. I can't wait to use this (I'll have to memorize the number so it sounds authentic)...although I'd prefer to meet someone I'd actually give my number to :)

I'm a push over, so what?

A pushover:

push·o·ver  –noun (http://dictionary.reference.com/browse/pushover)
1. Informal . anything done easily.
2. Informal . an easily defeated person or team.
3. Informal . a person who is easily persuaded, influenced, or seduced.

I was told by some guy I am very informally talking to that it bothers him that I am a pushover. I'll admit in parts of my life I am, I am not hiding that. But, does it have to be a bad thing? I think there are parts of our personalities that fall into different categories.

For example, I am definitely a push over when it comes to where to eat. I honestly DON'T CARE. I eat enough food that I should be able to find something I like, anywhere. And if I am really against someplace, I WILL let you know. But for the most part, I am flexible, I'd rather make you happy. It truly does not matter to me one bit where I go, just that I enjoy the company - and if you are paying...even more reason to let you pick. If I am cooking for you, more than not I am the one deciding what to make. If I really am craving something I will tell you. AND if you know me, you'll know where I like to go and you'd pick that since you know its my favorite. If that makes me a pushover, so be it. I don't care.

example #2 - My job requires me to talk to a lot of people. People talk to me on the phone like I am their servant. But, since my job requires me to actually do work, I take it all with a grain of salt. However, when some doctor thought he was above me and spent 10 minutes yelling crazy stuff to me, I had no problem raising my voice and sticking up for myself. Sure, I could have gotten fired because we don't do that...but I was NOT going to allow him to say those things, get away with it and make ME feel crappy about something that wasn't even my fault. And you know what, that horrible man called me later to apologize. I did not easily accept his apology, but he realized he was wrong, and hopefully learned his lesson that the person on the other end is a person too. verdict: NOT A PUSHOVER.

example #3 - I am seriously dating someone, they suggest I cut my my super long hair or buy this skirt or these jeans. I do it. Why? A few reasons. 1) They have to look at me everyday, I want them to like what they see. If they like short hair, they can have it. I don't care, it will grow back. If I don't look retarded, why not? A new brand of jeans - that he paid for, sure I'll be happy to wear those. And you know what, I eventually like them anyway. What's not to like, its just clothes. They guy wants you to look nice for him, and you should. A women should be amenable to changes to please someone, they are simple and make him happy to be with you, its win-win. And you know what - it is no different then agreeing to play out some sexual fantasy the guy likes...and of course that isn't construed as being a push over - it is expected. There is no difference. 2) Sometimes you loose tract of time, or in my case, I wear contacts all the time, and my glasses were really old. I don't know how to pick out glasses, so why not let someone else do it? It makes you feel like you are sharing a life.

me: Hey. so i was just wondering. Did you stop liking me 5 years ago because I am a pushover? It was just brought to my attention that that seems to be a big problem for me. You dont need to answer, but i was curious. Sent at 3:05 PM on Monday
SI: No. I actually found that to be a fun, easy going quality.That was one of the things I liked most about youthe ease with which we got along Sent at 3:28 PM on Monday
me: Thank you for your honesty
SI: you're welcome

Verdict: MAYBE a pushover - maybe it just depends on how two specific people get along?

example #4 - someone easily controlled. Unfortunately, I can tell you my verdict right away: YES, pushover. Unfortunately I did spend time in a controlling relationship. It was not as bad as you see in lifetime movies, but all those slightly controlling times do add up. It is hard to explain, but the constant cycle of being told to do this, doing it and seeking approval eventually does change you. You are constantly left with feeling you need to prove your love by doing something this way or doing that because that is what they want. You are struggling to make him happy so he doesn't follow through with what he has threatened. It is emotionally draining and you do not realize it until way later. Even after my breakup, this cycle continued with him for another 2 1/2 years - regardless of how much he hurt me, I was 'fighting' with the need to please him. It wasn't until recently, that I was able to break away enough to look from an outside perspective and see the damage. People that have not been in these situations and talk about how stupid women are to stay with men in abusive relationships - should not judge them, you have NO CLUE. My relationship was not physical abuse, thank goodness. But the mind games eats away at you.

example #5 - Hooking up with guys. I am definitely NOT a slut. I have had relations with very few men. After my breakup, I knew I needed to move on, and to do that, it is helpful to hook up with someone, so you aren't constantly thinking about your ex & how awesome the sex was. Against my better judgement, I did, willingly, let myself be persuaded to hook up with someone I was not interested in. I needed to get out of my comfort zone and experiment, but when it came down to it, I did stop myself. I did not continue hooking up even when I had nothing else going on. I did put my foot down and continued to say no.

me: do you have an example of me NOT being a pushover?
Sent at 11:24 AM on Monday
BOY: You have a backbone
me: I am trying to figure that out.
BOY: you've turned me down before
Sent at 11:31 AM on Monday
me: I guess, but I also said sure, you can feel my boob, but my bra is staying on. Then it was off in like a minute. And then I said that about my pants too.

example 5b - I am the obsession of a man's desires. I keep turning that boy down too. I was rude to him when he drunken called me at 2am for a bootycall. I was not easily persuaded to do it again with him. I'd rather go through a long dry spell then do something I am not comfortable with.

verdict: NOT A PUSHOVER. If I was, I would be a slut.

example #6 - I'm on the train and pregnant lady asks to sit. Men don't move - pretend not to hear, I get up and offer my seat. Verdict: NOT A PUSHOVER. I did it out of kindness, and all those men should be ashamed of themselves for not being kind.

So, I like making people happy. It makes me happy. I like helping people, I like seeing people smile. And it if it because I say "YES" or apologize too often, so be it. When something bothers me enough, I WILL stand up for myself. When I do not agree with something you say, I might point it out. All I ask if for those kind things to be reciprocated once in a while. I am a little envious of others who do not care about what other people think, but I am not like that. I could try for a day, but I would not be happy. If me being a pushover is a quality you don't like about me, I really don't care, we don't need to be friends and I will spread my kindness to others.

Mom for a day

Yesterday was my little sister's 6 year anniversary. I told her to go out and spend the day with her husband, I'd take the kid. My Internet was all messed up so I couldn't look anything up on what to do or how to get someplace, ahh, what did we do before the Internet? I guess the same thing my parents did with us - go to the same place over and over again.

First I took the 4 year old boy to the library, I had to return a book and pick some up. We spent a half hour in the kids section which he really enjoyed. We picked out three books and a movie. I don't think he has been to a library a lot, he was so cute trying to carry all his stuff to the front desk. In the car I say, 'so what special things do you want to do today?' he replies he wants to play Lego batman game, but its too nice, so I take him to a park. I gave my park selection some thought. OK, it is Saturday, hopefully single dad's will be at the park, so which park to go to? A big one should have a decent selection of single dad's, hopefully - as I think they get custody on the weekends. The weather was perfect park weather, but yet, the park seemed relatively quiet, bummer. So we play tag for an hour and then he needs a break. I take out some raisins and the kid says "Oh, those are chocolate raisins, my favorite" and I say "They are just regular raisins sweetie" Boy says, "but they are brown, the brown ones are made with chocolate, see, I love chocolate so I can eat all of them!"...I reply, "Oh, right, ok". and that little bugger ate a lot of raisins because his mom told him there was chocolate in them. Sneaky. After his energy boost we play miniature golf. He gets a hole in one on the second hole - I didn't get any. We let a lady & her son pass us - she tells me my son looks just like me but with blond hair. I thank her. Why bother correcting her? He looks nothing like me, but I guess people just say things they think you want to hear. I should be happy she didn't call the police and tell them I was abducting the kid who looks NOTHING like me at all. Boy starts to loose his patience half way through. We quit the game on #15. I suggest to him we try another park (because of the lack of Dads), he was almost willing to go, until he met this adorable little 3 year old boy. They played together for another 2 hours. The kid's Mom was ok, we talked a little, but since I don't really know how to talk to strangers, it was really hard for me and I ended up going to watch my kid on the other side so I didn't have to talk to her.

Oh good, a father approaching. Oh, he is old and ugly. His kid joins my kids group. We chat a little, he tells me my son is adorable and that he will sleep well tonight. Again, I smile and say thank you. Time to leave the park, I pull Boy aside and say, what next? He says "how should I know, you are the adult you are supposed to pick' hmm, is that how his mom does it? I think he should tell me what he wants to do today. So I ask questions so I can figure out what else he likes to do. But boy is getting cranky...three hours of running in the sun will do that. So I suggest ice cream. That was a debate. We get in the car and I say that the 3 yo boy we was playing with was adorable, and Boy replies, 'so adorable I can eat him up!!" HAHA, he Boy isn't a cannibal, we say that to him all the time.

We stop for ice cream and then we head home because he wants some juice. We get home and he wants to play his video game. Sure its only 5 but he did run around a lot, why not? ohhh no, tragedy: there is only one controller, I can't play with him. MELTDOWN time. So, we head over to Radio Shack to get another controller. Then we stop and get a superman balloon in the balloon store, where the clerk tells Boy "Your mommy is so good to you, getting you a big balloon" Boy replies "She isn't my mommy" Clerk looks at me. So I say "No, I am your aunt". We head over to stop & shop to pick up groceries for dinner. No single Dad's there either.

Get back to the house, his parents are home, and I cook dinner for everyone. Mom for a day and I absolutely loved it. Sure, I was a little tired but I had a great time. And where do single dad's take their kids locally? I'll need to figure this out for next time.

Why do men design women's bathrooms?

Last year the floor of my office building began renovations. Many people had mixed feelings about this, but I didn't mind - a little updating is always a good thing: new bathroom, new floors, new doors, new elevator marble, etc. For two months we had to use the restrooms on other floors and when ours finally reopened it was great. However, all the other ladies on the floor and I thought - why do men design women's restrooms? They have no understanding about the space we need - and I like to consider myself restroom low maintenance. They removed our full length mirror, they installed automatic flushing toilets, automatic soup dispensers and automatic sinks. It's great they are helping with sanitation. BUT the toilets flush too quick, the soap comes out when you don't want it, and your hands need to be in the exact right spot for the water to come out. There is no doubt that my building is paying more in water now (or is city water still free?) or at least wasting a lot more of it.

I do not sit on the toilet to pee - I squat over it. However, whatever I do, the toilet flushes about 2 to 3 times before I am even out of the stall. Now, I won't lie, I guess I have some squatting issues. I realized this when I was in the Redwood National Park with McGriddle Pants. We had to pee - and the trees were huge. I peed on my pants. I couldn't figure out how to squat enough to get the pee go straight and land only on the ground - without removing all my clothes. McGriddle thought it was hysterical. I guess that is what amuses you when you are an expert at using the woods...

http://anne-a-bell.blogspot.com/2010/04/does-bear-shit-in-woods.html

Where was I? Oh right, so not only that, we have a narrow hallway that opens to a decent size 'lobby' of the bathroom - yet the stall doors are almost right up against the toilet & the new paper dispenser sticks out, so when you enter the stall, you have to shift sideways around the toilet to close the door - and risk getting other people's pee all over you (YES, I wipe any pee drips before I exit, but shockingly 90% don't - it is gross). There is so much room they could have easily come out a little to make it roomier in there.

Today someone was bitching about the full length mirror being gone - so I told her "I'm not sure why they did that either, but why don't you just stand on the toilet, you'll get the same result". She laughed like I was the funniest person she ever met, yet secretly, I hoped she'd fall in.

Body Marks

A Friday last spring, I picked up some lunch and stopped at Bryant Park to eat before taking the early train home. I leisurely ate my lunch and sat and watched people and eventually headed towards Grand Central. Right before the glass doors, I notice something - I look down and see this green furry caterpillar on my shirt near my breast. YUCK! I fling it away and wonder how many people saw this bright yellow-green furry big bug on my black shirt -- hard to miss if you ask me...but you know New Yorkers...nothing is our business...for all they know I could have been toting around my pet bug. The bug must have fallen from a tree I was sitting under. I sit on the train and we head home, but I start itching. Bad itching. I have caterpillar hair on my skin. Someone next to me wondering why I am constantly itching my boob, then my hands, and my neck. It didn't stop. It just got worse & worse. Hives. Bad. I was picked up from train and went to buy benadryl which knocked me out. They stayed for about a week, but after the first day at least it was tolerable and slowly were going away. Who can honestly use the "I am allergic to bugs" as a defense? Well, now I can :) Crazy right? source


February 3rd I wake up with this crazy marking on my arm. I kept trying to think what I was in contact with the few days before that would mark me like that. I couldn't think of anything different. I posted this picture on my facebook page where friends commented it looked like a bite mark or a stamp from a club. It wasn't a human bite, and not a stamp from a club - since I am not one to partake in that kind of activity, maybe alien marking? lol. So of course I start thinking about creepy crawlers and look up bug bites - which totally grossed me out. I refused to look through my bed sheets to find out what kind of gross bug could do this to me. So, I slept on my covers waiting for a brave soul to come and help me find the perpetrator. Nothing was ever found. Today is April 22nd and I still have very light markings of this - it is very faded...but it is still there. I still don't know what caused this type of mark.


Last week I ate a few strawberries with out washing them -and a few moments later, I had two bumps on my hand. I blew it off like it was a little hive, no big deal. Sometimes I get one or two hives that will pop up in the same place now & then. I wasn't worried. And those strawberries were good, I didn't stop. I was at a baseball game over the weekend and used that old fashioned trick to get a pen to start its ink flow - lick it. My brother in law tells me I am going to come down with some sort of weird disease, I laugh - never! Well, yesterday those two little bumps turned into about 7, only of which a few itched a little. I doubt they were from the strawberries, and there is no way it was from the ink, since I had two before that even happened...what could this be from? I spent time diagnosing myself online, which turned out to be a huge mistake, since I always pick the worst thing. But yet, I refuse to go to the doctor while it still seems 'manageable'.


All these weird things in the last year, I start to wonder if I am the victim of some weird bug voodoo doll, since everyone knows I hate bugs.

Silver Dreads

I'm officially an 'old' person. I have two short white hairs that I refuse to pull out. Well, I might have more, but I only see two. These are not the first. My first white hair was back in 2003. I was working at a bank, and I was early so I stayed in the car (it was in the winter months) and admiring myself in the rear view mirror. Low and behold I found the first one. I freaked out. It was WAY too early to go gray, I mean I was somewhere between 22-23. I pulled it out and saved it for a while, and was lucky that I didn't find another until very recently.

Anyway, last month, they were sprouting like crazy. Sure work was a bitch, I was very stressed and not getting sleep, so I pulled out the whites that came thinking it was just temporary ones. I am still too young to go gray - I mean I am ONLY 30 (and yes, I know some people can go gray at like 20 and I should be lucky) Things calmed down at work but now I have two more. These are different, the others were full length, right now its like these two are brand short new hair. I thought if I stopped pulling, maybe I'd go back to the super dark brown hair I am supposed to have. But it looks like I am aging before my two older sisters (9 and 7 years older than me - and they both claim to not have gotten any white hair yet). My parents also went gray 'late' I really thought I would too.

Maybe it is just because I am an old soul. I am too mature and serious for my own good. I wonder if I start having more fun that the grays will stop. If not, I worry that by the end of this year, I'll have to change my hair color on my license to salt & pepper or white.

Memoir Monday - Video Store Clerk

Today I will share the story of my first "real" job, a clerk at Video Source when I was in high school. What a fabulous job to have when you are a teenager. The hours are decent, great co-workers, lots of people rented movies in 1995-1998 AND you got to borrow all the movies for FREE including trailers. I was paid about $8 an hour and loved every minute of it. Video Source had one main location and two other locations. The smallest store just so happened to be in my super small town, so I offered to work there most of the time. This location barely had traffic, and it was a wonder it lasted as long as it did.

So, I'd get to the empty store and pop in whatever movie I wanted to watch - we were supposed to just watch G, PG or PG13 movies. Many times I'd also do my homework. I had friends come in and hang out with me and I'd even make out with guys. A lot of things went on there that should not have. I tripped the alert button a few times, well, once was me by accident while cleaning, once a guy thought it would be funny - I didn't think so.

The busier main store was usually fun to work at too after the boss left and on weekends. Teenagers had the run of the store (similar to Empire Records but with Videos and nothing illegal). At the end of the night as we'd be restocking the shelves, we had too much fun in the adult room. We had many contests who can return the adult tickets the fastest (not because the room spooked us -- but because we were so familiar with where the boxes were, who was in them, and which customers preferred what movies).

Once I had seniority, I was able to train the newbies. I took great pride that they would have the same type of worth ethic and personality as me. I would be in charge at closing and made sure their draw was accurate and let them leave early if it was a slow night. One night that will stay with me forever was the blizzard of 1997, I was there with two very new employees. It was snowing so hard and eventually no one came into the store after 7:30 and we stayed open until 10. The electricity went out a little after 8, and therefore the phone died as well. I took a few quarters from the drawer went outside and called the owner on the pay phone to tell her the situation with the heavy snow and no electricity and to ask permission to close early. NO WAY, that would be unacceptable. So I go back inside. We close out the two other drawers and just hang out watching the snow fall so hard. This is crazy - I told them we would leave anyway, it looked dangerous out. So I put up a sign saying we apologized that we closed early and locked up the store. We all left. Normally I lived about 10 minute drive, it took me almost an hour and a half to get home, and I was even pulled over by the police station...my first time ever. The cop was asking why I was on the road since it was a natural emergency...HMM, that was news to me. I explain I was leaving work on my way home and it was taking a while since I had to keep pulling over to clear the snow off my headlights and window. He was so nice and told me he would follow me just in case. So we trudge through and then as I get close, the last 2 miles, he tells me can't go further, that it would be too unsafe for him, I was on my own. I finally get home and call my newbies, neither were home. I wait up until they called me back. One made it home soon after I did, the other apparently had down trees and road closures everywhere that it took him 3 hours to get home. I felt really bad and gave the owner an earful when she called the next afternoon telling me she wasn't going in because the weather was too bad. I do not drive in the snow anymore.

When I started college I was able to come back and work a day here or there. It was perfect I loved that job.

Let's bring back arranged marriages

I was talking with a friend today about how hard it is to date after you have been burned so bad in a previous relationship. It look a long time for me to get where I am now, which is still not close to where I need to be. However, part of me just wants to be there - already in the next relationship. I want to have that person to spend a weekend day hiking in the woods or running errands or even just spending a rainy day inside snuggling watching a movie or playing a game. Couply things.

Dating is horrible. Sure the ex wasn't God, but we seem to compare everyone else to them, even when we know we don't want a clone of that person. So that leaves us with trying new things. The whole idea is scary, eventually opening up enough to actually trust someone with your heart. I keep wondering if it is worth it or not, but since I don't make for a good 'single', I fear I have no choice but to get past my fears of the next breakup.

Now, arrange marriages, that is something I think could work. Over time anyone can grow on you. At first it might be hard & horrible, but I think eventually that will turn to love. So, who is going to find me my arranged husband? Parents of course know their child best but all my mom's fix ups never even resulted in a date. Additionally, they have a very social life (more than me) but I do not think they know a lot of people with eligible sons. One sister tried, but after seeing a picture of that lad - nothing happened. A brother in law tried too, and my blind date was a red head. So, do they really know what I am looking for?

Only time will tell I guess, but I would really just like to fast forward a few months/year and be there already. Yes, I say a year, because contrary to popular belief I am being optimistic that I will meet someone by then. I smile more & am happier and I am trying to eat a little better (well my upcoming trip has something to do with that), so once I get a slightly better body...hopefully it won't be so hard. I just need to get outside more and find places where guys will smile/talk/approach me. Anyway, if I fast forward the next months, then I will miss out on all the 'fun' parts that lead to that life I eventually want to be a part of. I don't think I can fully move on until someone new is in the picture.

I HATE last minute cancellations

You know what I hate the most? Someone cancelling on the last minute for anything from a friend for lunch or a date. I dealt with that shit for too long in my last relationship to find out that all those cancellations meant something not good was going on...it is unacceptable. If you are going to cancel, cancel a few hours in advance, not AFTER I got dressed, put on make up, decided on an outfit, and made a special treat. This means you value my time less than your own. If that is the case, why would I want to hang out with you or be your friend?

One female friend was doing this to me all the time (including telling me she got her period - hello you were 27), that I had to end that friendship, that constant cancelling over the stupidest things really wore me out and upset me too much and of course left me with free time that I could have made other plans with - but then screwed because last minute people can't always get together for an impromptu evening.

So it appears I am too nice, and people just expect me to be completely understanding that they can't get their act together and actually go through with the original plans. I don't know if I want to be the nice girl anymore that gets stepped all over and taken advantage of. I need to start sticking up for myself and getting rid of all that negative energy.