good year so far even among the stress

Looking back on the last year, I am both happy & upset with my personal accomplishments.  I've been on some fantastic trips and saw new places, which of course I love.

I went to:

• the top of Mt. Evans
• Salt Lake City
• Dallas
• New York City
• Steamboat Springs
• New York City
• Seattle
• New York
• Napa Valley & Yosemite National Park
• Seattle
• Oregon
• Cruise to Caribbean 
• New York  
• Aspen/Snowmass

Out of my comfort zone I met up with an old high school friend and of course dated.   Some fun things included buying a bicycle, went to a broncos game, took 10 kickboxing classes, went to a Knicks game, went to a Nuggets game, some craft classes like making a glass bowl, glass tile, cooking classes, hikes, and things like that.

But and this is where I am hard on myself, I haven't made any of the 'hard' decisions, such as about my job and my living situation and what I want out of my life.  These last two months I have been thinking a lot about the living situation, and purchasing vs renting and if purchasing...is this where I want to be? and for how long is worth it?  or is renting temporary places good enough even though it is more money in the long run.   And what else can I do in my everyday life/weeknights to make my life more exciting?

don't want to be sucked back in

I casually mentioned to my man that I was hesitant about our future.  What made this conversation more powerful was we didn't have it after or because of a fight, but on a good day.

We talked for about two hours about my insecurities of the relationship and he said if I wanted to walk away, to do it, he is too old for someone to be indecisive about him.  I care for him, but is this my life?

I felt so much better, it was a weight off my chest that I've been carrying around for five months - maybe it was selfish of me, but this is my life too.

I made a point over the next few days to go out of my way to show my love and to try to see if it can work.  It was feeling really good, until he had a bad day and it all started to fall apart.   I understand the stress and agony of work and hating your job and wanting to quit...but if you don't decide what to do, how long can you be miserable? and how long will that misery affect me when I have my own share of stress?  Now, don't get me wrong, I am supportive, I keep telling him if he can't work one more day at his present job, to quit and we would figure it out - I can pull that off for a short term.  But what if he can't find another job for months? That is a lot of stress for a couple just shy of a year.  And it isn't as if he hasn't been looking, he has.  So I understand the stress.

How long can I let him mope?  How much space is enough for him to think and be depressed and how much anger can I try to get his mind off of?  Some people want reassurance, some want help and others just want to complain and dig themselves into a deeper hole.

I've been in that hole.  I know what it is like.  I don't want to be sucked back in.

If I stay, will I end up in the hole? the sunshiney place? or the middle ground?  Only time will tell.

not on the same page

I am so out of sync with my guy.  I really enjoy our time away on trips and even local hikes/events, but the time at home is a constant struggle.  Our communication is not easy anymore.  I guess we think differently, not just the big things, but the small ways we think and process information - and it is exhausting.  Constantly feeling like we need to defend or justify what we are saying and not trying to hurt the other person's feelings.

Unfortunately, the frequency of this is becoming more than I think I can handle, or want to deal with and that is a hard realization.  Is that what I really want? Or is this something we can work through?  Is it something we will figure out  - or is it something that will always be a struggle?

Life isn't all bad of course.  Today for instance I was having a weird feeling / off day and I don't know why.  I casually mentioned it to my man, and an hour later he shows up at my job to give me hug.  That is over 40 minutes in the car for him round trip and a 10 minute hug/talk with me.  Really sweet.  I am not sure if I felt better afterwards, but his kind gesture was very touching and it meant a lot to me.   But that changed when I got home after a late night work meeting and we started to talk about our day and work and everything else.  Just not on the same page.

And worse, I keep laughing.  Not because it is funny.  But because it is sad and uncomfortable.  I think it is crazy that we have to analyze and repeat what we say hoping the other person will see it from our point of view.   I am constantly back and forth....it can work...it can't work.

out loud blog

Sometimes in the car, on a walk, or even at work I start talking to myself.  I like to think of it is an out loud blog post because I never remember to actually write anything in this blog anymore, probably from lack of time.  But so much has been on my mind in the last few months.  

I guess we will call it confusion.  That happiness feeling took a back burner, I guess my mind/body was like, what is happiness? You need to feel insecure and questioning, that is your new life.  And so here we are starting to doubt my decisions.

And not just recent ones, but even me moving to Colorado.  I still think it was the best decision at the time, but the regret of quitting a good job I actually liked and taking a pay cut, yikes, was it worth it?  Moving in with a guy at 6 months (making the decision at 4 months) was probably way to fast. but then again, I am getting old.  Staying at my current job and starting to feel miserable.  Working a part time job and feeling underpaid/too high expectations.  Missing my family.

My out loud stories are good ones, but then I forget them.  I really should make it a priority to start blogging again, I think I felt better when I did it.  Getting it all off my chest.

my time

The last five months have been great.   It's been a mix between being really busy at work and spending a lot of time with the guy.  It was a really hard adjustment for me to have someone around all the time.  While I loved being with him, I felt like I couldn't do 'my thing'  like a few more hours of work, chores, going to 3 grocery stores, watching silly girl movies.  I quite relished the one or two nights a week I had alone, but yet, I still wanted him there when I was done with 'my things'.  I've talked to him about feeling this way - distracted when we are at each others houses...not getting enough things done.  But that will eventually work its way out.  I keep forgetting its only been 5 months - it feels like we've been together much longer than that.