one car away

Fate has this way of working, making you just a few seconds late to avoid an accident.  That happened to me this week.  On my drive to work there was a tracker trailer switching lanes.  He started to cross the line, apparently unaware that there was a car next to him.  That car was fast; when he realized the truck was crossing the lane and was just inches from him, he swirved right to avoid being struck by the truck....but in turn, hit the car that was in the farther right lane.  Apparently he didn't look to see where he was going, just knew that hitting  a car would be better than being hit by a big truck.  They pulled over to the side...but the truck didn't stop.  He didn't hit the car that was in the middle lane, but because of him, the accident happened.  I don't even know if the driver of the truck realized what happened, I know because I was directly behind and I saw the whole thing.  I debated if I should have pulled over too, an eye witness.  I was just a few feet away, saw it all happen.  I didn't think fast enough to pull out  my phone and video what was about to happen, even though, you see it happening in slow motion. I knew there would be a chain of events, and I started to plan my swerve route, if I needed one (I didn't).

But then I remember what happened to my father, he was a witness to a car accident, and had to give several interviews, was subpoenaed to court, testified and this carried on for almost a year.  He said he thought he was doing the right thing, but the way the law worked, it caused him a lot more trouble and time than it should have.  

I didn't stop.  I was a little shaky, thinking it could have been me that was either hit by the truck or hit a car to avoid the truck.  I was thankful that I didn't want to get up that morning and stayed in bed an extra few minutes, I am glad that I drove mostly in the right lane that day and other other event that landed me just one car away from the accident.

TiMER

Netflix recommended TiMER to me.  A movie where people have the option of wearing this timer that counts down the time until they find true love.

Oona, who is only 29, has a blank timer, not counting because her mate does not yet have a timer or because she doesn't have a soul mate.  Her stepsister's timer says she'll meet her true love around 45 while younger brother who is in the 9th grade finds his within days.

A question to consider, if your timer began to count down, do you still continue to date or see other people when you know they aren't the one?  Instead of having meaningful relationships, will people just having fun, will they fall for people before or have their timer removed?

I've felt like Oona for the last few years.  When will I meet my man?  Reassurance is something we crave and wouldn't it be kind of wonderful to know that the possibility is there and have that to look forward to?

homebody

I was laying on my beach towel in my back yard, soaking up the sun and the 75 degree day.  The twenty minutes I laid there, I was very content but my mind wandered to that I enjoyed my routine morning.  Preparing my food/lunch for the week, looking forward to a friend stopping over for a beer outside, and a call with some family members to end the day.  I want to share my life with someone but I am struggling with the location issue of where to meet someone.  I am a bit of a homebody.  I love cooking and baking and don't mind housework.  I run errands and get outside for walks, hikes, etc...I generally don't stop and take a lunch break at work...so I am alone most of my time.  I know I am not going to meet someone in my back yard or in my car.

Hopefully this re-revelation will help me do more with my hours now that the days are longer, and maybe I'll meet new friends/future husband.

loss

Loss is hard.  I've experienced a heartbreak loss only three times, but each was difficult in their own way.  I don't fall in love easily, so when I did, I was all in.  The first loss was hard because it was the first time I ever felt that way; a first real heartache, one that made me realize I probably did love the guy but didn't realize it until it was over.  The second was paralyzing and devastating causing me to barely remember two years of my life because I was in this blur of sadness, shock and denial.  The third was a loss of what could have been, death and guilt.

The common thread of all three has to do with being rejected.

Rejection is something everyone will feel at some point, or many points throughout their lives, not just with dating, but in the career, friendships, financial, education, etc.  When there is not as much at stake, that rejection is easier to handle...like when I applied to 80 jobs a few months ago, I expect a certain percentage of rejection, especially for the long shot applications, but ones that I truly felt I could excel at and they didn't even call me for an interview, that was a little harder because I wanted it more.  Same goes for relationships.  A few dates in and it ends...not a big deal; I am not losing sleep.  But when you spend years with someone and they are embedded in your everyday life, that rejection is much more difficult to handle.  You start to question everything about yourself, because if this person who once loved you so much just stopped...it is hard to understand why.

Time goes by, and yes, the loss and rejection is faded but it never really goes away.  A part of it stays with you and at certain times in your life....it reminds you it is still there.  The important thing is to learn how to not let it bog you down.  You can't obsess over it and let it take over your life; you need to learn, grown and be slightly cautious but not fault others because of how one person treated you.

Turn a bad experience into a self teaching moment.  You will be surprised of what can happen.

optimism towards potential not being alone feelings

I went on a few dates over the last three months and that really helped me and distracted me from my thoughts of ManFriend.  While I think about him a lot, these 90 days were more optimistic towards potential not being alone feelings.  But, I was also trying too hard to feel things I wasn't feeling; that didn't feel right or natural.  I was never sure about the guys, and while I wasn't the one to initiate the end, I am glad they ended quickly - within 3 weeks.  I rushed into things, I wanted to feel wanted and needed. It really didn't matter by who.  But it turns out it did matter, which is why I wasn't feeling it. I am glad to have had this learning experience.  It came later in life for me than I think most people experience it, but nevertheless...I think I got it.

sharing

I attended an inspiring women's event the other day, and I was reminded of why I started this blog - to work through issues, figure life out, forgive, overcome obstacles, etc.  And while I have posted a lot about that, and the many things in between, the last few months I've posted nothing of substance, maybe that is why I have struggled to find the time to want to write something.

So this event had two speakers.  I listened to their stories and they too overcame issues and were simply sharing their stories, one of abuse, the other of being diagnosed with MS and of course both mixed in the 'normal' life event issues that could happen to anyone.  I couldn't help but think, why can't I do that?  Perhaps in future posts I will revisit and share some stories.

tire warning light needs improvement

I have a new car, but I am wondering why the low tire pressure light does not indicate what tire is in need of looking at.

My light came on, I went to put in air.  In NY there were quite a lot of free air tanks, here in Colorado they all seem to be $1.00 for 4 minutes.  So I take off all the caps and start to put in some air in each tire.  The light goes off, but not for long.  My ride home, the light comes back on.  I search my car for my air pressure checker thing and finally found it.  I take off all the caps and check all the tires.  I can't figure out of the gauge is broken because every time I check the tire, I get a different reading.  I get the air hose, and check the pressure that way and fill up where I think it belongs.   The light goes off.

The next morning it goes on again.  I refill a few tires, not using all of the 4 minutes.  The next morning, when the snow finally is gone, I see a screw in my tire.  Ahh.  Well that explains that.

I go to Costco and tell them I need a plug.  They charged me $3.24!  For the piece and for them to do the work.  Holy cow, what a bargain!  Costco suggests I come back after 25 miles for a lug nut tightening/check, which I had done two days later for free.

But all of those trips to the air stations could have been avoided if my car told me what tire was having the issue.

do it yourself car wash

There are so many do it yourself car washes out here.  In my NY past, I went to the kind of car wash you either drove your car through, or got out and they put the car through the wash for a smart washing - based on what level car wash.  Sure, there are a few of those kinds of car washes out here...but they are harder to find.  The manual car washes seem to be on like every other block.

After the really snowy February, my car was a disaster, so a wash has been on my to-do list for weeks.  Then when things finally quieted down, the weather became 50-65 degrees and EVERYONE wanted a car wash so both the drive through and the manual ones had really long lines.  Ugh.

I attempted a wash-your-own car wash.  The sign said only $2.  I didn't know for how long.  I was number 3 in line so I was trying to watch the people in front of me to see what they did.  I should have gotten out and just asked the person who looked like he knew exactly what he was doing. The person in front of me washed his car for like 8 minutes.

When it was my turn, I pulled up, grabbed some quarters and read the sign.  Yeah, still confused.  So I just put quarters in, the water started and I gave it a quick hard wash.  Then I quickly grabbed the soap brush and did a super fast scrub because my water still had time.  Then I ran back over to the water stick and sprayed the car from the top down.  And I ran out of time.  I threw in another quarter got 25 seconds, and finished the back of the car.

For $2.25 I have a much cleaner car.  But it wasn't dirt free, which is fine. No doubt it is going to get dirty when it rains or snows next week.

This is an area I need to experiement more, or find someone whose done this before and explain what all the options meant and how to best utilize the water time vs soap scrubbing.

I like that I get to have different experiences out here.  That something 'normal' back home is a different 'normal' here.  For me to feel like I am here...I need to do these 'normal' local things.

realigning financial priorities

A few years ago I created a financial plan and I paid off a lot of credit card debit.  This year, I have other financial concerns/goals.  I moved and used $12,000 - $18,000 of my savings, practically draining that account while I didn't work. I still have my retirement plan, which is quite minimal considering my age, my Roth IRA which I haven't contributed to in 3 years, and the money from the sale of my condo/money that was gifted to me, borrowed or inherited. It is not a lot, but it will cover a down payment on the next thing I purchase.

Since I will be making less money at this job, I am a little concerned with how I can meet my financial needs.  My goals:

• save to purchase a place, while the down payment is covered, I need money to pay the mortgage, furnish it, pay taxes, any common charges, etc
• re-save the money I spent while I was out of work plus grow that account
• save into my Roth IRA
• have money for 'fun'
• think about having a family
• put money towards vacation/weekend getaways
• get better health insurance and have money for dentist, eye doctor and prescription
• pay down the student loan
• put money into a HSA account
• more money for 'fun' like dates, meetups, entrance fees, etc.

I drained my savings account....but the good news is, I did not rack up credit card debt.  January was the first month I had a balance/used the card, and that was for a flight to Florida, some work clothes and member dues at an association I belong to.  I also just closed one credit card I haven't used in four years and opened a new card with 0% interest for 15 months with cash back...but I hope not to use this card frequently and maybe close it within 3 years.

I think I am going to aim for a 50% essential expenses (place to live, health insurance, utilities, groceries, etc), 25% financial priorities (savings, student loan and eventually retirement savings) and 25% lifestyle (going out, clothes, beauty, gifts) to start and see how that goes.  My essential expenses will change in a few months when I move out of the place I am currently residing.  25% for lifestyle seems like it might be high, but I came out here for a more balanced life and I want to experience things.  I am hoping that this will be less than 25% and eventually save more or put towards essentials.

My new company is not adding anything into my retirement account, so I am not sure I should put money into a new account to be opened for this purpose, even if it is before taxes.  So perhaps instead, I'll max out the IRA at $5,500, if possible. That is probably wishful thinking.

I need to wait until I see a paycheck to see how much my take-away income is and that will really help to figure some of this stuff out.  Oh, I also have to minus health insurance, my company isn't paying for that.

(wrote in January, before paycheck)

rethink biological children

I was at dinner with two new people from my group and we came upon the topic of children and if I had any.  Unfortunately not was my answer.  In my 20s I wanted a bunch of children, now, I don't know.  So I told them that I had hoped with my moving out to Colorado that maybe I'd be able to adopt a child.  A few questions later when I said I wanted a 5-7 year old, I got a 15 minute lecture on why that is a horrible idea.  "Do you know the problems those kids have?"   Hmm...no, but I can only imagine some of them.  Most had horrible years of some sort of abuse or neglect and the others had a trauma.  "Why would you want to do that? Don't you deserve to raise a child with less problems"  I don't think I am entitled to anything, whose to say my biological child won't have problems?  Every child needs someone to love them.   "Sure, that is a benefit for a child, what about you?"  Well, all an adult wants is someone to love.  I get my happiness from that, knowing that I am trying to help someone and giving my love to someone, and hope that they would eventually trust me and then love me.  She shakes her head in disapproval.  I ask, if I shouldn't adopt a child in that range, who is worthy of adopting?  "a baby" she replies.   So I ask, if people like me who want to adopt children (not babies) don't...what happens to all those kids?  They are just stuck there having a more messed up life, being bounced around from foster home to foster home or in homes where they may not be loved?  What did they do to deserve that?  Unfortunately then our other meal mate returned to his seat, and the conversation ended.

This lady is smart and educated....and I know that in her line of work she deals with a lot of issues that these kids have on a regular basis.  So, I know she is talking from experience, but, still, this was upsetting to me.  I am not sure if I will have biological children.  I am not sure I will foster or adopt child(ren) it all depends on my financial state and if I meet a man before then that wants a biological child (if even possible).

comes at a price

I am at my first meeting with my new group and they've all been so welcoming and nice.  So many people have said they've heard wonderful things about me and all about the changes already...and I am thinking...I've only been there like a month.  If they are impressed now, just wait.

But all this great stuff they want / see will come at a price.  My salary is drastically lower than where it should be.  And I made it clear to the chair and the treasurer when they said something about me being around for many years or about my progress in finding a place to live...that being at this position is not conducive to my future, aside from experience, there are no benefits.  I think this time, they understood....if they don't find a way to come up with more money within a few months, I very well can leave.

Who knows, maybe I'll get fired next week for opening my mouth.  No one else is going to fight for me in this life, I have to do it.  And I need to be better about standing up for myself and not let people take advantage of me.  So no matter what happens, I won't have any regrets.

feeling a little off

I feel a little blue today.  Is it because I told online guy #3 that my biggest dating pet peeve is that the person ignores the other instead of just saying they aren't interested? Then I wished him luck and said it was interesting.  Or is it that guy#3.1 (didn't meet him) blocked me after he spent an hour looking at my profile (he admitted to that), and then emailing me 4 times in one day.  What, one wrong answer and you get blocked?  WTF.  I get we need to have basic needs met, have basic commonalities, etc, but did you really give it a go? If there was an answer you didn't like or understand, why not just ask about it?

Or maybe it is because it is snowing again.  Where has the sun been for the last two days?  That is probably it, I've become accustomed to sun, that no sun and my seasonal depression is escalated.

Or is it work?

Or actually, I think, if I got a period, I would have gotten one yesterday, which means I am probably just emotional because of those hormones.

Who knows, I've been 'good' for a few months, so it is normal to have an off day.